So Sorry, but i need to talk and let this all out..

good luck with everything, my heart goes out to. This is a lot to take on as a single parent, no wonder u are feeling so low in mood i think anyone would in this situation. i hope u will get lots of support as u really need it. hang in there u can only do what u can your not superwoman .dont b hard on yourself either.

Parenting specialist

Hi midgeymoo, oh bad luck you really are carrying it all at the moment aren't you. First things first though. You are doing a grand job.

Yes you might have made mistakes in the past (didn't we all!) But you have learnt from them and made active choices to improve life for yourself and your boys, so for that you MUST give yourself on the back.

We need to affirm all the good things that we have done, rather than dwell on the negative stuff. I think in general you do do this, but it is just a reminder, as we all need a friendly one of those. 

You made a conscious decision to leave your ex, it was hard, but you did it, taking everyone's opinions, feelings and thoughts into consideration.

I think when we are in the midst of a break up we believe that if only we were 'free' everything would slot into place. Unfortunately life isn't like that, however we do need to keep taking baby steps into the future and life does shift.

You have said yourself that in the past your focus was coping with the difficulties arising from splitting with your boys father and then in more recent time the emotions of splitting with your recent ex so it probably did affect your parenting, however you are now back to you, back in the driving seat. Your youngests behaviour is showing itself because you now have space to see it.

When children play up it is often because they are feeling unbalanced or insecure, however you if you continue to be consistent with your parenting (which it sounds as though you have lots of parenting skills and techniques under your belt), I would suggest keep doing what you are doing and this will pass.

I hope you don't have to wait too long for the CAF to get back to you, but in the meantime, your little one needs lots of loving and supporting that you are not going anywhere and that you think he is a fabulous little boy. Don't forget to keep telling your eldest this either!

Although it may not feel like it, you are now in the strongest position you have been in for years. I believe in you, and as I said before keep taking baby steps forward and be kind to yourself.

Do you get any time for yourself?

 

Parenting specialist

Hi amars thanks for sharing what is/has been going on for you. Unfortunately i was the same with my daughter. I would lose my temper, felt as though life was unfair whilst also coping on a low income and Court dates, solicitor letters and harrassment from ex. My daughter too became a little angel, she daren't put a foot wrong. Even after I calmed down, so I do understand where you are coming from. However we can't change the past, we are only in control of the future and as long as we are aware of what we are doing for our children from this day forward, that can only be a good thing and it is never too late. 

A fun game we used to play was, I love you because.......and we would take it in turns "because your eyes look like chocolate buttons", "because you said sorry when you tipped cream all over the carpet", "because you hug me when I am angry" "because you told my friend she couldn't play with my favourite teddy" etc. You will be surprised what they come out with!

Keep going both of you, you are doing a grand job 

Hi midgey moo

I'm coming to this a bit late so haven't fully read all the replies so apologies for any repetition.

Tt sounds a lot like there are many things at play here.

First there is your LO's personality which is difficult, most likely because of his sensitivity.  Managing that sensitivity even when there are not other emotional issues going on is hard enough.

Second there is your guilt over the way you felt about him and your past relationship and the effect of both those things is still being felt in your house today.

And third there is the way he is chosing to act out his anger.  How he is behaving is unacceptable however, because of the other factors mentioned above it is very difficult for you to see a way to help him.

So my suggestion would be to try and unravel these three threads so you can deal with them more easily.  For his sensitivity I would highly recommend reading up about sensitivity in children.  I really like the book "Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic".  

There are other books too which focus on the shyer kind I think - like "The Highly Sensitive Child".  I definitely think you can gain understanding from reading these books.  Things like transitions can be very difficult for sensitive children so it's really common for parents to experience a roller coaster of a day such as you have at your house.

Also, being highly sensitive to emotions (as my son is) makes parenting difficult as they do pick up on it.  You seem to be damned if you do and damned if you don't. i.e. if you tell them you're upset they'll get upset and if you pretend you're not they'll know instinctively you're upset and may guess wrongly as to the cause.

For me I have decided to go down the explanatory path but being careful as to what I say.  So for example, with looking at the pictures he could know you're upset and assume it's with him.  

Instead, you could say (as you're looking at the pictures) about how proud you are of him, what a lovely baby he was, you could talk about how he found sleeping hard as a baby so you had to help him a lot (what did you do - rock him? Sing to him)

Emphasise that babies are like that - they cry when they're uncomfortable and talk about how hard you worked to help him.  Then he will feel your love and he will enjoy any stories - if something funny happened especially.   Or even my boys like to hear about when I accidentally hurt them, because I talk about how scared I was and how upset I was but how they were fine.

Once he is hearing all this positive stuff, and especially if you can get those laughs in, you can tell him it was a hard time for you personally.  You can tell him that you and his Dad were not together and that made you sad but you knew it was for the best (this is where you do some creative story telling).  

You can talk about how hard it was for you but you got a lovely gift in him which kept you going.  Tell him that looking at the photos makes you cry a bit because you remember how hard that time was and how sad you were and how you wish you could have been happier.  But again bring it back to the positive - you are such a special boy, I feel so lucky to be your Mummy.  Yes times have been hard but we are a family and we love each other.

I would also be honest with the boys about your last relationship.  Explain that people make mistakes and that you and he loved each other but it wasn't the right time to get into a relationship like that or you weren't right for each other or whatever is the closest!  

I think being honest about it is important because they need to know grown ups are not perfect and it's not all their fault.  This is especially important for the youngest one who got the dislike vibe from him and then by association, you.  Again focus on the positive of how you can now be just the three of you and what a great family you are just as a three.

All of this is a lot easier to write down than do, but if you can do it it may well make an immediate difference.

The one thing that really stuck out to me reading your post was how different he is in your family.  Not only is he different because of his sensitivity but he was disliked by the step dad and now his behaviour is isolating him in your family.

It's really important with boys especially, to keep trying to connect with them.  As much as possible, and as many times as possible in one day.  A good book for this is "Playful Parenting".  It talks a lot about how to connect with teenagers and some of it might be very applicable here around the loud music and him isolating himself.  

For example, using touch in an appropriate way (clapping on the back, a quick hug as you go past or anything that allows touch like thumb war).  Also, using humour, if he's got his music too loud, get dressed into a crazy outfit and stand at his door singing along crazily.  It could just work!

Obviously, you do need to address the way he is dealing with his anger.  This anger issue is spiralling out of control.  It's not going to get better on it's own as he is doing it now because it is a) his only way to express his confusion/upset, b) a habit and c) it feels good.  Or at least it feels something.

Having a family meeting is always a good plan.  Say something like "we're not having enough fun at the moment" and calling it a meeting for that rather than "how can we improve LO's behaviour so he can come up to the level of the rest of us".

Start with making a huge list of what everyone thinks is fun.  So what they would find fun on their own and what they would find fun one on one and as a family.  Don't discount anything anyone says or try to figure out the logistics of it, just write it down.

Once you have the list figure out which things you can do anytime and which things need to be organised or need money (like a holiday or an activity that you would need to look into/need to be older for).

Come to an agreement about the first fun thing you're going to do and when it will be.  If you can plan the next few fun things even better.

Try and get this list to include all three of you equally and you will need to take it in turns to get what you want.  I would recommend a rule that says even if the other two people don't like the idea of it, everyone has to try it with an openmind and to try and have fun.

Decide to take photos and make a scrap book too as this will give you something positive to get out and look back on.  

Once you have this and everyone is fired up and positive about it, it would be a good opportunity to talk about things that might stop this working.  Try and think of something from you and brother not just from LO.  

So for example, for you it could be that you might get busy and not prioritise the fun things, brother might not want to try new things, LO might get angry and not be able to take part.  Ask them for their thoughts and you might be surprised at what they come up with.

Everyone then needs to commit to watching out for those things that might "scupper the fun"!

Another day I would plan some time alone with LO, once you have done some prep.  Talk to him about how you really don't want his anger to stop him joining in with the fun.  

Some useful things might be to teach him to think about how his body feels when he is angry.  Does his breathing get faster, does his heart beat fast, does his tummy feel clenched.  Talk to him about how calming those physical signs can really help someone to feel more clear headed.

As an example you can think of a time when he made a huge drama out of something he later regretted if you can think of something like that.  Let as much of it come from him as possible.

Talk to him about how shouting, throwing, kicking, hitting, punching etc. are not appropriate ways to express anger (can he think of a time when those things made him feel better?  Probably not), but feeling anger is very necessary and he shouldn't repress it.

How else can he express it?  Sometimes we need to let the anger out before we can get to the feeling underneath (fear, sadness etc,.)  My son scribbles it out.  Some people advocate yelling into a pillow.

What can be really powerful is if a child can do this with you there then they feel safe.  You can either be quiet or you can back it up with "you seem really angry" or "wow something has really upset you".  To avoid it escalating, having you there you can step in either with comforting words or I have even been allowed to give a hug!!

Children very often don't feel safe when they are angry so you might find loving him and being with him is better than walking away (obviously not if you are in danger).  As you start to work on this with him I would definitely explain to the brother your plan and tell him that you will be sending him up to his room at times and that you would appreciate his support in leaving.  That will take away the two against one feeling LO probably has and will allow you to listen without getting angry yourself.

In between outbursts, continue to talk about how he is doing.  It's not usually any good trying to have a deep conversation about cause of the anger while they're flared up, but when they're calm you can often have a good conversation - just keep it casual and not judgemental.  You often find they can get to the bottom of it themselves.

A basic example of this is once I picked my son up from reception.  I wasn't late but when I got there two other parents were talking to the teacher and I had to wait 5 mins.  Eventually the teacher called him out and he shouted at me that he was so mad at me.  The teacher immediately stepped in and explained.  He said sorry and I left it then but later that night I went back to it and asked him why he was angry.  If course at first it was superficial level "I was mad" "you were late" but eventually we got to the bottom of it.  He was bored waiting and he was scared I wouldn't come.

I was then able to reassure him that I would always come and also teach him some techniques around how not to be bored (which is an ongoing problem!)

I suspect from what you say your son is angry with both you and his Dad.  The anger he has for the Dad is all surrounding him not living with him and his new family who he obviously prioritises over LO.

You are right I'm sure he takes his Dad's share of the anger out on you.  I don't think you can change that.  You can take heart from it and think he feels safe enough to do it with you so that's a compliment, but unfortunately, you're unlikely to stop it.  The one thing you can do, however, is listen to it and sympathise.  Get him to talk about how it makes him feel and instead of getting angry or defensive back just say supportive things like "that must make you feel so sad".

You need to balance it out with positives though I found as my son started feeling really hard done by and then blaming his behaviour on the fact his Dad doesn't live with him!  To counterract that we have done some charitable things, but also the whole fun with you thing will help with that.

 I hope this has been helpful.  It's just based on my own experience so it might not be applicable to your situation, but I just felt so much for you and wanted to be supportive.

You're doing a great job!  Try not to beat yourself up.  You did the best you could with what you had at the time, but look at you know.  You're in a much better position and now you can focus on building a little close knit family.

Love Gem

x

Wow midgey moo I am in complete awe having read your post.

I'm glad a couple of the things I suggested were helpful.  Sometimes we do things for a while and they work a bit then we stop doing them.  Going back to them can then be really good.  You are amazing how much you have done!  You sound like me - constantly trying really hard.  That's all we can do.

I can't believe your ex was so unsupportive about the family meetings - nevermind that's the beauty of being alone.  You can follow your gut instincts and do what is right for your little family.

I applaud you for the work you do at school but I really want you to not be doing it!  I have a friend who is a SEN assistant and she is not even a single parent and she finds it tough to have anything left at the end of the day and you just sound absolutely drained dry.  It's no wonder with such a challenging job.  

When I was figuring out what I was going to do with work I looked at my life as a whole and where my responsibilities were.  I looked at how I am solely responsible for the house, myself, the boys etc.  I thought about having a responsible job and I decided against it for now because I didn't think I would cope with it all.

I'm not suggesting you're not coping but actually look at how much you are doing and how much responsibility you have got in your life and just be amazed at yourself!  Give youself credit!  You do need to have balance in your life, however, so are there other ways you can get that?  For example, could you get a cleaner?  At least in term time, which would then free up your spare time to either be with the children or when they're not there be out with friends etc.  Are there other ways you can make your life easier surrounding the chores you have to do like prepping meals (for example my boys have school dinners to save me cooking for them every day).

Also, what kind of support do the school/county offer? I would imagine with a job like that you should be able to access some sort of counselling?  If so, take it!  An hour to think about you every week is really valuable.  I run a helpline for cancer sufferers and I get counselling myself for that.

Back to your son's anger, did I tell you my son got counselling?  It was a group thing.  I live in Surrey and we were referred to Surrey Family Mediation Service by CAHMS.  It was an 8 week course with other children of a similar age all having experienced the loss of a parent through divorce.  It was really helpful for him although it did get worse before it got better.  They did a lot of art projects and it was just a really safe place for him to talk about stuff he couldn't with me.  I'm not sure if there's anything like that where you live but I hope so.

You are doing such an amazing job with your kids, especially your angry LO.  Your situation sounds really similar in that my ex often puts them right to the bottom of his priorities and that does make them sad then angry.  My sensitive one is highly susceptible to this.

I find by focussing on my time with them and making sure I do the things they want to do when I'm with them it does help.  For example, they waited a year for him to take them to a particular swimming pool (which I couldn't take them to alone as I am too short - hard to explain!) but in the end I organised childcare and took them one at a time.

I do a lot of talking about how Daddy will do what he thinks is best and that he loves them even though it doesn't always seem like it.  I try to emphasise the benefits of having his step siblings around.  It's hard because they are given a lot of material things and my two aren't but also he takes them on holiday but not my two which upsets them/me a lot.

The other thing I've done just before Christmas was get really super strict.  I felt like he was using his sadness/anger as an excuse for his behaviour.  I was also really unhappy with how ungrateful he was for what he had.  I'm not suggesting you do this btw just telling you about it!  Anyway, I removed literally all the toys from the house.  I left them with a puzzle, 3 cuddlies and a toy each plus downstairs we still had dressing up clothes and art supplies.  

It was really drastic but I wanted to prove to them that they didn't need all the stuff they had.  There was an immediate improvement in the difficult one.  He seemed suddenly less all over the place.  Home became incredibly calm!  The flip side was I had to plan activities more but we got into a really good routine.  

They would come home and we would sit up at the table together for cuppa and cake (whereas before they'd be in front of the TV and id be in the kitchen) then we would do an hour of "homework".  They're a bit to young to have actual home work (Yr R and Yr 1) but we would do something with letters, something with numbers and then a game of some sort.  They also did little art projects like DS1 made a calendar with a different picture for each month.

I was lucky I could do this because I only work in school hours so I felt I could really focus on them when they got home.  They also have school dinners so I only have to get a sandwich ready while they're doing their "homework".  We would then eat together.

The other thing that made a difference was that they then got half an hour free time and half an hour with me, which is when we did reading and anything that needed my focussed attention like talking in depth about their day or planning future projects (DS1 has been doing much better at school since he now does these additional projects at home that are related to the topic).

This routine has been really powerful for us in making a difference.  The only thing stopping it working is me not committing to it because I'm tired/ill/stressed.

Since then I have bought in the toys gradually, we have sorted some out for charity and we have learned about different charities (atm we're doing Water Aid) so they are much more grateful for what they have.  My DS1 has stopped claiming his life is ruined, but he has not stopped grieving even 3 years on.  I'm not sure if he will ever stop tbh - he is so sensitive.

I've just read this back and it's really muddly!  I hope it helps you feel less alone if nothing else.

Love Gem

x

Parenting specialist

Midgeymoo, I think you are doing a brilliant job! You are very conscious of your children's needs and work hard to ensure that they are well cared for both emotionally and mentally.

Life as a single parent is very hard, especially when you are doing a 'caring' job outside of the home too, with no-one to unwind with or any support around the house. I think we just have to accept that we can be tired/ill/stressed and that may disrupt routine, but that is normal in everyone's life. Nobody is perfect.

Perhaps you could give yourself a bit of a break? What you say to yourself is very important and creates how we view the world and our life. Its all very well Louise, Gem and others telling you that you are a great mum, but can you start telling yourself? 

Parenting specialist

Your right GEM, the individual time is so important as they don't actually count the time your with them all together, my 13 year old let me on to this a few years back, for them it is not the same as having our undivided attention.

You are a great mum too and your a great source of information and support to others on here.

Parenting specialist

Will look forward to your up date midgeymoo, Big Hug coming your way.