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Hi
On tuesday night, my little boy wasn't feeling very well for the weekly telephone conversation he has with his dad. I did say that he was under the weather - he'd been to hospital that day for two eyetests and had had drops etc... and was really groggy.
Anyway, the next day, I get a stupid message from the Sperm Donor stating that its clear that his son has grown distant to him over the 8 phone calls (in the last 8 weeks) and perhaps, if i thought it was right, perhaps he should just "disappear" after a final letter and never contact his son again.
In all honesty, I don't give a damn.. I'm at the stage where if he wants contact, I'll grin and bear it, but if he doesn't, then it just makes my life SO much easier. But obviously, i don't want to make that decision, because it will be me that pays for it later down the line. The Sperm Donor actually suggested that I could tell our son he had died.
I've passed it back over to SD, saying why dont you ask our son (who is 3..) and was told i was being absurd as the child is only 3 (urgh, yep, I was being sarcastic, but how could i make decisions about my son and his father .. surely that is his role as the other parent??)
Of course, the discussion then escalates and he accuses me of domestically abusing him, my dad (who my son and i live with) and I being mentally unstable and also, that he is going to contact social services to say that our son is at risk and have us investigated. He also suggested that he'd told his superiors (in the MET police) about the fact that I'd domestically abused him.
He then said he was going to fight for full custody of our son as his new girlfriend would love for him to live with them... (she has never met my son at all)
I spoke to him on the phone last night and questioned him as to when i abused him, why was i unstable and why did he fear for his son's life... and the answer was, "I don't know, I don't know" and just started crying..
Its all a load of baloney.. my son is my family's world, we adore and idolise him, he is safe with the three of us (mum, grandad and nanna) and the father knows this, he is just trying to scare me..
What do I do?? Do i just wait and see for the court papers, or social services to turn up? Can I report him for harrassment or slander/libel? Do I speak to a lawyer?? I am just so confused and upset by all this.
He tries to intimidate me by quoting forms, and legal jargon, and puts me down by telling me that i have a sh't paper pushing job (im a legal secretary at a corporate london firm that pays bloody good money so that I can afford to give my son and me a reasonable standard of living), yet apparently, I'm second rate to the met police...
Hello SallyAnn
I have had problems with harrassment from an ex (father of my 3 boys). He also says I am mentally unstable, unfit mother, etc, and that our 5 year old is at risk. I think Louise is quite right, he is just trying to get to you and upset you. When I get texts or calls like this, I just switch my phones off or maybe ring my Mum to have a rant about him. It always makes me feel better !
In the past, when I used to get constant texts, phone calls in the middle of the night, etc, I did resort to the police. Basically, they gave him a harrassment warning, which did the trick for a while. Like Louise says, keep a log.
If you see a solicitor, they will give you advice about what is harrassment and what you can do about it.
Hi Littlemissmiddle
thanks for the post.. does it ever get better??
I ended up turning the phone off to him over christmas. I let the LO ring him on dad's mob on xmas day (its not fair depriving LO of his "dad") - but, of course, he didn't answer (last year, I got abused because I hadn't made the phone call wishing him happy xmas and I didnt' want to go through that again)..
He was meant to see LO on 3 December, and he then invited me to go out for dinner on our anniversary (WTF?!?!) to which i replied, thanks for the offer, but given the date, and that its xmas, I have other plans already in place.. so he got nasty again, shouting the odds, telling me he's "f'ed over by the law, by me, by everyone"... and didn't turn up on the arranged day.
I'm now being given the silent treatment, which I know sounds absurd, but its almost worse than the abuse and harrasment, becuase he's accused me of breaking the law with regard to contact (there are no court orders, I have offered him chances to see the LO, to which I get abuse, or he just ignores it), so, to my knowledge, I'm not breaking any law?! And I've constantly been on tenterhooks waiting for social services/solicitors letter to come through for the last month. He's the one that broke the agreement for telephone contact and the first physical contact arrangement. Yet i feel bad.
Saying that before the silent treatment and with regard to him getting access, he stupidly text me telling me that he's got so frustrated and depressed that he's hit the wall with his hand and broken it.. along with the death threats, surely that can't go in his favour...
Arrgh, sorry, its a ranty one.. and a bit all over the place.. blame it on sleep deprivation ... I've been having nightmares about him hte last month.
Hi Sallyann,
Lots of bad stuff going on for you. I am sorry to hear that.
Do keep a record of EVERYTHING. I believe you can store texts on your PC now, but certainly the good old exercise book can come into its own. In the end you may have to get an injunction so build up up your evidence just in case.
So sorry things are so hard. I have a cable to connect my mobile to the computer to download stuff. Very different though since he met fiance III and married her.
Hi Sallyann, have you heard anything recently?
Hello Anna, thanks for asking.
I've still not heard anything.. which I think is a good thing, although I do still feel really really uneasy about the whole situation.
I just keep having random nightmares about being cheated on by SD or the LO being smacked at preschool... I wake up at 2am the dreams are just totally random.. But, I hope it will get better in time..
Even the paternal grandparents didn't buy the LO a Christmas present! I thought they were just late as usual.. but, a package arrived from Ireland on Saturday just from the SD's sister (she has downs syndrome, she adores the LO). I'm torn between thinking thank god for that - it suggests they have all given up, and HOW DARE THEY FORGET MY CHILD. At the end of the day, there is an innocent child here that is a victim in this silly man's little games...
I dont know what the next move is still, i guess i will just have to wait and see what happens. I'm finally moving on though with my and LOs life, I have put an offer in on a house.. and waiting for it to go through..
Would I have to tell him if I moved?? I know that will upset him since he's always in debt.. he previously made me homeless and didn't have any regard to where me or the LO moved to.. as long as it wasn't costing him..
Hi Sallyann, it is good when they go quiet, but I also understand that unnerving thing, you don't want to relax too much, just in case.
I am not sure how long you have been split up, but during difficult times, extended families are not always sure how to react. Their behaviour can often change over the years, sweet that SD's sister sent something though 
I think you are right when you say there is little you can do other than get on with your life. That is not to say that you have to jump when your ex says jump, but basically the future is you and your little boy.
Does your ex have parental responsibility? If so then I believe you would have to tell him. Perhaps you could send a brief note to his parents of a change of address?
We've been split for 15 months now.. can't believe where the time has gone!
Hmm, sweet yes, but, the last time she saw my LO, she tried to hit him round the head (he was 2 at the time) because he was obviously getting all the attention from the grandparents, she has a mental age of about 6, but is as strong as a horse. I must admit, I'm very lucky that they live in Ireland and don't like flying which means that they are not a daily concern. I really do try and accommodate them as best I can, to the point that I actually met them and took them to dinner in Easter - just me, my son and them even though we'd split up.
Yes, he unfortunately does have PR. Such a mistake looking back at it now to have put him on the birth certificate! Problem is, the PR only works one way, i.e., I HAVE to tell him such things that are of interest to the father when it suits him, BUT, when I query things with him, I get nothing.. or no assistance (not that I ask for it anymore) because, it doesn't suit him. It will be a while before I actually move into my house as it needs quite a lot of rennovation so maybe I can put of the inevitable... the problem is, because he has been paying towards the nursery fees, in his warped head, it will be a case of him paying for the house... the fact that I've just pulled every string in my purse back and saved like mad, and asked for assistance from family members and not had a life for the last year is beside the point... its going to cause trouble.
And, the thing that niggles me is, he made us homeless in December last year, he didn't once ask where we were going to live, or if I needed any help or anything, as far as he was concerned, that was it, he was done.. so in my stubborn head, why should I tell him now that I've managed (almost) to succeed at something that I believed we had been working towards together...
One of the first things he said to me after leaving was that he would make sure he looked good on paper - house, garden, relationship, stable job, loving home etc which would mean (in his eyes) he would be able to convince a judge that its all me, being nutty, unstable, inappropriate housing etc.. so I know if he gets wind of the house, its going to cause trouble...
Hi Sallyann, did you ask the legal expert? I guess you don't have to tell him anything until you are moved in and even then if you are going to only communicate by text or email, maybe he doesn't actually need to know?
Your message made me laugh when you said because he is paying towards the nursery fees he will automatically think that he bought the house!! They are funny aren't they!! 
It is annoying that we are supposed to tell the other parent with Parental Responsibility everything, but we are not entitled to the same courtesy, however we must remember that they are only being kept informed because of their child, NOT to keep tabs on us.
You have to do what you need to do, don't worry too much about what he might or might not do, just keep going forward with your plans.
Did you sleep well last night? Any nightmares?
Hmmmm.
OK, think i now need to defo get the legal advice..
He stopped paying the nursery fees..apparently, he's saving them in a savings account that means, he's gambling them, using them to buy a new house, buying more engagement rings, paying off his phone bill, and his 33k worth of debt, oh and of course, taking me to court.. 
So, I wrote to him.. suggesting that as he has broken the terms of our private agreement with regard to nursery care (without telling me), I was giving him the chance to wash his hands completely of our LO.. he hasn't seen him in a year (his choice), he didn't turn up the last time I'd made arrangements, when I tried to make arrangements, if they didn't suit him, I'd get a mouthful of abuse.. he'd walked away from the phone calls, and hasn't spoken to him for over a month..so what is the point of maintaining contact?! I suggested that he could walk away and have nothing else to do with him.. and that we'd all be able to get on with our lives. Alternatively, since he'd broken the terms of our agreement, I could easily go to the CSA and make it formal, I'd always hoped we could have an informal agreement which suited both of us..
Well, he's again ranting telling me that he's going to his DI and police federation because I'm breaking the law. Does anyone know what law I'm breaking??
Yes, I've offered 6 visits in 15 months.. but 3 of them he accepted, the other 3 he chucked back in my face...
He's also suggesting that he wants an occupancy order - to my knowledge (or to google), occupancy orders are for houses, he made me homeless in a rental, so that's null and void.. when I queried it, he then said he wants LO for a set amount of days per calandar month..
And that I'm to respond within 7 days with a reasonable suggestion (which doesn't include me at the visits... because he hates me, doesnt want to spend time with me, etc...and he hasn't specified how long he wants him - but he lives 50+ miles away, so that stops joint custody doesnt it...?!) I've done the suggesting previously, he agreed it was reasonable.. and then he renegaded on the agreement...
Hi Sallyann, ok, you are ready for some legal advice. You can contact our Legal Expert for some initial information, perhaps how she might suggest you go forward with this and then find yourself some representation if you can get Legal Aid, find your local solicitor with the Legal Aid Finder, or have a look in your local yellow pages, you are usually able to get the first half an hour/hour free.
I do not know of a law that you are currently breaking regarding contact, especially as nothing was set out by the Courts. It sounds as though he uses this as a threat quite often with you - the law. I am sure his superiors wouldn't be happy to hear about his current behaviour.
Your son is still very young and he has not seen his father for a year, although they have talked on the phone, it might be that he doesn't make the connection between that voice and this man in front of him.
I keep re-reading your posts and wondering why he is asking you to come up with a reasonable suggestion. It sounds as though you have consistently done this. Perhaps at this point he needs to come up with something?
Thanks Anna.
I had previously spoken to a solicitor, and they outlined that what I had been doing was correct, and at that stage, because I hadn't wanted to take any further action that was the end of it - I didn't want court, I still don't...I'm quite happy either with him being in my LOs life, or with him not being in it, it is solely CONSISTENCY that I have an issue with.. even money isn't really an issue, yes, it'd be tight... but, I'd cope, I'd get another job if it meant keeping my LO happy, he really is my life.. But, the legal advice was 15 months ago.. so I think its right that I go and get some new advice, and perhaps a formal letter can be sent to him.
I think he's a cocky so and so and thinks I'd be scared.. but I've looked on lots of websites and I can't see that even if I DID intentionally stop him from seeing his son, its not breaking the law per-se, perhaps not morally right ..but until there is a court order, I'm doing nothing wrong..
he wont try mediation, I've tried talking to his mum last night to see if she could figure out where/what's going on, but got no where. She was more concerned that she'd posted our xmas presents to the wrong address and they'd been returned to her... hmmmm.. Helpful...
His problem is probably that he'll have a row with the girlfriend, or something and take it out on me.. he did it when we were together - but it used to be his mother he'd rant at.. its now me.
Unfortunately, I dont qualify for legal aid, and I think this is why Im quite anti-court, I'm trying to buy a house, decorate a house, take LO on holidays and days out, I qualify for minimum benefits (nothing in other words.., but obviously live to my means as a single person, being a single parent is tight..) .. and the idea of paying £10k in legal fees is something i dont want to waste my money on. When he isn't actually willing to come and play ball..
He said he doesn't want me at the contact, its never been my intention to be at EVERY visit, just while there was a settling in stage and when the g/friend was introduced.. just so the transition is as painless as possible for LO.. And, the only thing I want for him to take him out is a residency order beforehand so I know that legally, the child has to come back to me at the end of the visit..
Regarding why he wants me to come up with the plans, I think its honestly because he DOESNT WANT contact.. its just that he's made a pack of lies up, and pretended to be a doting dad and now he looks a bit of a wally... otherwise, he'd surely have taken me to court before, or would try to talk to me about it and have an idea of what he wants rather than a vague "i want an occupancy order or joint rights or want him for some time every calander month" .. its like, he's being fed some information and then uses it .. but doesn't understand what he's using/asking for...
Hi Sallyann, as you are unable to receive Legal Aid, if you feel that he doesn't really want contact perhaps one formal letter will do the trick.
You could get the letter to mention that you only wish to be contacted via email regarding contact arrangements, then the ball is in his court. If he calls you on the mobile, you can ignore it and if he telephones your house then you remind him what the letter states and hang up, without feeling any guilt. This way you won't have to listen to him rant and you can get on with your life.
At this moment, like you say, it sounds like he is just spouting hot air, however it seems that ex partners when feeling out of control of the situation, they either take you to court just so they are able to continue to harrass you or they disappear, just to resurface at another point down the line.
Have you looked at the Child Maintenance Options website? This will give you an idea of how much money you could be receiving, also it will show you that how much this decreases if your ex has your child overnight through out the year. Some non resident parents want their children more than once a week overnight purely as this means their CSA payments go down.
I am wondering if he has raised this issue of contact and money because he has stopped the nursery money and is worried you are going to apply for CSA?
I'll have a look at the CMO website tonight, but from what I understand, he'll have to give me £350ish based on his salary, and he has been probably working a lot of overtime over xmas..so that may influence it.. and I recognise that it goes down with 52 plus over night visits... but, given he works every third weekend, lives +50 miles away, I can honestly say that the +52 overnight visits aren't reasonably going to happen, since LO starts school in Sept, and I'm not driving 50 miles up the road to pick him up on a school night... and, I honestly don't think that he is going to get to make more than 3 visits before he gets bored..
I like the idea of the email contact, I presume that just having the email is ok - when I've cut the phone before due to his sillyness I am told I have to explain why I no longer have a phone, and that as a person who has parental responsibility, it is essential to have a phone working that he can contact me on... (**rolls eyes** - especially as he's told me to no longer contact him and wait for his brief to get in touch...kind of at a loss with that argument to be honest hehe)
His reasoning for stopping the nursery care was the simple fact that he hasn't seen him in 12 months.. and why should he pay for something he's not using, he is going to save it (which means gamble it..)... then when I queried him on this and stated that it was unfair, and that if I withheld food/money to spend on LO until I was getting my own way, then I'd find myself in court/up against Child Services on neglect charges. I think he could see my point when I said that, and he told me he'd pay me the money, then changed it to be in touch with the CSA.. But, given I'm still waiting 3.5 years on for him to speak to childcare voucher people, so he can pay through them (even though I filled out the forms etc), I'm sure LO would be through uni before i saw a CSA payment.... hence the reason I told him that I'd be doing it and would try (although I dont believe its possible) to get it from source so I didn't have to rely on him..
With him, its all about control. He keeps telling me that he's not being controlled by me, or by my family anymore.. and he now holds all the cards.. to me, its not about holding the cards, its about what is best for LO, and being a good parent.. I never wanted control, all I ever wanted was to better ourselves, be financially comfortable, have a nice house and a happy home.. but apparently that's controlling rather than how I see it which is driven..
Sigh.. lol.. I'd suggested to my mum this afternoon perhaps just a letter would do the trick, and I've got her contacting solicitors.. but of course, I need a late appointment, so I'm looking at two weeks time at the moment.. 
Hello SallyAnn
This is a complcated situation and I endorse everything that Anna has said, I would just like to add that this man is causing you a great deal of trouble. Do not engage with it all, stop worrying, stop feeling you have to speak to his mum. Fights can only happen if both people are involved. Let him stew in his own juice for a while once you have done the solicitor's letter. By continuing to engage with him, he retains an influence in your life and it is time to say that's it and I am living my lfe the way I choose. Do not respond to accusations, have the letter state your case and that's that
Hi Louise
Thanks for your response. I spoke to my solicitor yesterday and she laughed when I told her about the bad language and accusations and the silliness, she doesn't think I have anything to worry about. I'm seeing her next week.. she said that he may need reminding that he's an officer of this country and has certain standards to uphold (after all, he is the law 
). She doesn't think him getting his bosses involved is a good idea either.. as we all do.. and thinks its just scare tactics (which we all know anyway), she was happy just to write the letter for me without seeing me, but there's a few points I want to cover and would prefer to actually see her face to face, and so she is able to fit me in next week.
I feel like I'm actually productively dealing with the situation rather than skirting round the issue which is what we've been doing for 15 months...
Eeeek, now I'm nervous lol..
I'm not responding to him any more. I'm through with him ... when and if he wants to talk like adults at the table, then I will be willing to discuss with him our options. But, he has to come to the table with suggestions first. His mother was a last resort in my opinion, just to sound her out because I was so frustrated..
Hey Sallyann, it sounds as though you are feeling a lot more positive about this and have made some productive steps forward. Well done you
If you ever feel the need to text, email or call him, come and write on here instead ok?!
Lol... talking of the devil...
He's just text me saying that he's transferred money into my account as advised by the CSA and the csa will be taking it at source next month..
I've rang up the csa.. they have no knowledge of him... they do now I HATE LIARS... they said there was no way that he would be able to just set it up and make a promise that it would be done next month as they'd have to speak to me first, and it of course takes 8+ weeks... Oh, and the money he transferred was £20 short on what they quoted me on a 2009 pay slip I hold (he's had 2/3 payrises since then, plus overtime and London weighting apparently... grrrr, so I'd probably be looking at more money.
He said he's apparently got 120% backing of his colleagues and this will go legal! Apparently I have no right doing what I'm doing to him and its all been noted "Goodbye"..
If only it was goodbye lol...
Thats great news! Well done. Did you respond to him, or have you just let it lie?
Did the CSA say anything about backdating any payments?
I'm glad that everytime he says 'legal' or 'the law' you can now have a little chortle to yourself. It comes up in every conversation 
When I checked the "father phone" and realised i had a message, my stomach just sank. Then I got annoyed and went for a quick walk, and figured out my next step was the csa.
I'm not responding to him. He's asked me not to contact him, from what he's told me in the past, if i were to, then I could be perceived to be harrassing him. He will have to wait for my solicitors letter if he wants anything from me!
I'm still uneasy about the "illegal" activity that I've been doing, but, c'est la vie! I do not believe I have done anything wrong, and will leave that in the hands of my solicitor. I've had one speeding ticket in the whole of my life, I dont do drugs, I dont smoke, I dont really even drink since having the child. LO is always left with someone suitable, contact with him has been tried, my only "crime" is that I could have tried harder to get contact, but, I'd not want to try and be accused of being "controlling" by making him attend a visit... hehe.. he'd need to have good proof that I were up to something... and to get that, he'd certainly be a bent cop because I think I'm clean!
Last night, I'd printed off all communication we had on text.. its pitiful reading.. he's like a wave - one minute he loves me, then he hates me and calls me the worst of words (use your imagination), then he loves me... all in 24 hours, over and over again for the last 15 months.. I even found one text where he's accused our little one of hating him! I'm going through them making notes where he has threatened his life etc.. or claimed poverty, just in case I need it for the solicitor.
Regarding backdating, they will only backdate from the date in which they write to him. They've told me it can take 10 days to write to him. I don't really care about backdating. Its not the money that actually important as such. Knowing what kind of little man he is, I would hate for him to be spending our little ones money on court action against me or gambling it... yes, its a struggle NOT having the money with him, but I would manage.. I just can't afford NOT to have the money and be taken to court if that makes sense?!
Thanks so much for both of your support.. it's really spurred me on to take it a step further than I would have.. usually, I just get all nervous and indignant and let it lie..and I will defo rant on here rather than contacting him!
Sallyann
That is brilliant, you seem to be seeing through what he is doing now, I am sure it is the right thing to avoid "engaging" with it all. Your solicitor's attitude seems to endorse that too.
One of my mottos in life (which seems particularly relevant to you right now) is HOLD YOUR NERVE. It has helped me enormously to remember this when the going gets tough.
You're doing well...
I'm not having a good day.
Apparently, the CSA papers dropped through his door yesterday and they've given him two days to respond. (Is that a lie - is it usually two days??!) He wants me to confirm our son's name (stupid me, i forgot to change his name with regard to child benefit... grrrr, and the form had his father's name rather than my name...) school boy error..
He's moody at the fact that I contacted them (he'd TOLD ME that he'd done this...although I know he hadn't)
Anyway, he doesn't understand why he's bothering to fill in the form, cos the money will go down dramatically when he has his second child that he's expecting. Second child.. that's news to me...
And, apparently he'd rather be eaten alive by a pack of ants than see me again... personally, I'd rather he be eaten alive by a pack of ants after his you know what was removed, but I don't think I'm that lucky...
Off to see the solicitor today, and I just feel so empty, I just want to cry.
I haven't felt this way in so long... I'm just really really gutted to be honest. I knew it'd be on the cards.. but it still hurts.
Also, I'm pretty fed up, why should my son be punished financially because his father couldn't keep his d#ck in his pants?! And i know, I shouldn't use CSA money as an income, but, honestly, it is an income, it provides for my LO, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I have no social life except my LO.. I'm not one of those mothers that wastes money or anything like that.. and I work bloody hard to provide for my LO. Yet, he treats me like I'm the worlds worst.
The value of the money isn't really an issue (despite me ranting about it)... its his attitude to my son that stinks... I mean, the only thing he can think about is not paying me money.. its notthing to do with the child he INSISTED I had, and that I've now been left with continuing to care for because of his inadequaces.
Sorry, rant over.
Hey there Sallyann, you rant away, this is so frustrating and so very not unusual for an absent parent to complain about the CSA believing that we are going to spend the money going out and partying all the time. Even though for most of us it wouldn't get us very far!
Have I got this right..... is your son now in your name and his dad not know?
Remember to hold your nerve and put the father phone away. At this point there is nothing that you can do, the ball is in his court.
Every step that you have to take is going to be painful, we go through all sorts of emotions, but these do shift and it is healthy for you to go through them.
I think another common thing that I have heard a lot of us say, is not even the amount of money that our ex's should/could/won't pay, its their attitude about it. You are not alone with that one. Unfortunately for them it just bangs another nail in the coffin of realisation that they are not the people we believed them to be.
How did it go at the solicitors?
Hi Anna
He signed a letter giving me permission to change his name when he left. I'd cried and hated the idea my son having a different name to mine and I guess the guilt of his actions led him to sign it.. LO told his daddy on a phone call after they'd been learning their name at preschool.... and I had put in writing that I had changed his name.
Problem he has is that he doesn't do anything he promises, so he probably thinks that anything I say is a bluff, whereas with me, I actually mean what i say, so when I say "im calling the csa" then i do.. or "ive changed his name" then i have..
Solicitor was brilliant, explained what i did have to tell him and what i didn't ... Unless he requests information through court. Given that he's told me he doesn't want to hear from me again, she's said that barring major surgery, holidays abroad and change of name I need not tell him anything.
His "im the law" or "ive a right to know cos I've got PR" phrases won't hold any water against me, I need not offer any more dates, I can show I've offered visits and tried to be reasonable. Unless he actually rings the phone and asks for contact, then I'm ok not getting in contact. Also, she can see anything I've done that is illegal.
Given his mental health issues, she'd be pushing for contact centre visits for up to 6 months and then supervised visits since threatening to take his life etc is serious.
Also, she's said that she's quite happy for me to turn the phone off and not check it anymore given that the vast amount of contact he had with me on it was abuse rather than concern for his son and that he said he doesn't want to hear from me anymore.
I knew lots of what she'd said having already investigated or had it suggested to me, but it good coming from a solicitor and recognising that the decisions I make are correct and shouldn't land me in hot water.
I do want my LO to have contact with his dad, but, given that his dad wants control of me and him, and won't negotiate, I'll just have to let him make the first move and be prepared.
Last thing solicitor said was that I had to go out and have some fun and meet someone... hummm... how the hell do you date lol....
Hi Sallyann it's great that the solicitor was able to reasure you where you stand and what you need to do from now on. 
As for the dating, it's up to you and only when you feel ready, though that should not stop you from going out and having some fun with your girl friends? would this be possible?
I lost all my close "girlfriends" when I got pregnant, the majority decided that I should have an abortion because they could never imagine having children and were really unsupportive.. and so its just me now.. its sad, i know... and its really unlike me, I had loads of friends before I met the father, but getting pregnant so quickly, and I felt so ill - I had 9 and a half months of morning sickness, then severe anemia and back to work full time, then breaking up with ex and having to move, i just lost touch with all my other friends and they've all moved on.. 4 years is a long time and i feel .
To be honest, I'm too knackered to even contemplate things like like dating at the moment ... I just want to enjoy my son and what happens, happens....:-S
Hi Sallyann
Wow it really sounds as though the solicitor reaffirmed all your thoughts and it has made you feel a lot stronger and more confident about your rights.
I liked what you said and think it is true for a lot of parents on these boards, that when you say you are going to do something, you mean it and go ahead and do it!!
So now you are going to enjoy your son and a bit of peace for a while, by sounds of things. Get yourself back on your feet and re-find yourself.
In the initial stages of finally breaking emotionally free and facing single parenthood alone, I think it is normal to feel isolated and lonely and cut off from other people. You have been dealing with personal family issues and have needed your head to be in a certain place.
However once you start to relax, then you can get into making new friends, your son is the perfect age for you to meet new people. Have you read our article on Making New Friends?
Hi Anna
I haven't got around to reading the making new friends article yet, everything has been so busy...
I'm completing on our house next week, I'm SO excited. Although there are lots of works to be done to it, and I won't be able to afford living in it and decorating, but hoping my parents will be able to help us out and get it just right for us, and I'll pay them back eventually, and fingers crossed that by about September we might be ready to move in. Eeek. So nervous and excited about it. I can't stop smiling. (LO goes to school then, so NO NURSERY FEES...wohoo!)
Guess what, the private agreement that the CSA set up (by default - not my choice) has broken down.. so now it means I won't get any money from The Father this month. I've contacted them and they've said they will contact him and arrange for it to be done via them (annoying, because this is what I requested a month ago...)
He text me on Sunday night (I haven't spoken to him for about 4 weeks) telling me the money was going into my account... He's also suggesting or more like demanding mediation/negotiation. I have asked for this the first 12 months and he refused point blank. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach because I finally feel like I am moving on with my life, and I don't want to go back there and be angry and upset confronting him.. I just want to be able to move on with my life, I don't want to taint my life/new house with him.
He also suggested that if I gave him control over access for our son, that he would pay more maintenance than CSA recommended.
I just feel like its constant blackmail, whether emotional or financial. Quite honestly, I'd rather struggle on the money than believe anything that comes out of his mouth, its just all lies. I've suggested he doesn't pay and just leaves us alone, and he won't do that.
Arrrgh, I'm so frustrated by it. I have no problems with LO seeing him IF he is going to behave and prove that he is reliable, even the CSA payments, the phonecalls and his attitude do not give me hope that he has changed and wants to be a positive influence in my son's life. He hasn't even asked how the LO is since November.. and all he actually has to say is "hi ya, can i see him on []?" and I wouldn't say no, but he's never done this.. yet, its all my fault and my s'hit that is causing him not to see him.. logical?! I think not....
Hello Sallyann
When you were talking about your son's dad having parenting time, you used an interesting word: control. It seems that IF you let him have "control" of when he sees his son then he will "reward" you with extra child maintenance. The mediation that you have been seeking for months has suddenly become hi heartfelt wish. This is because he feels boxed into a corner and wants to gain some "control" (again).
Of course on the whole we would say that it is good for children to have a relationship with both parents and it would be great if you could sort out parenting time between you. If you go to mediation, although it provides some structure, do remember that both of you will be pinned down to definite times, which is fine if that is what you want to happen.......
Great news about your house< a new start and a new life, well done you!
I know Louise, I'd noticed his use of the word of "control". He used this in January as well when he was telling me to wait for the CSA and his brief to get in touch (who by the way, still hasn't...).
Regarding mediation, I wanted him to be pinned down to times. I sent letters asking him to give me times he wanted to visit, or ring or whatever, he won't be pinned down, he can't even see a parenting role for himself. And I know, given the kind of person I am, that I'll end up giving him exactly what he wants and then being really unhappy with it.
He seems to think that I controlled him both in and out of the relationship. I still don't feel that I did. I am assertive, and I would make decisions (i.e. we are going to use this nursery, or we are going to rent this house) only because he NEVER made the decisions. Even now, he's not making decisions. He doesn't say "can i see little one" ... its "I'm really sad because I miss him". That's not a decision... that's just an emotion...
His text said "Want to mediate/negotiate now?". That's not asking me if we can, its not even telling me we are. I found it quite domineering - obviously, text messages are how you read them, but having read it 15 times, I still can't read it any other way. I get the impression he thinks I'm on the bread line and that because I'm poverty stricken where he's not giving maintenance for our son I will toe his line.
Given the advice by my solicitor and the way things have turned out (he also calls me a c#a#-face now) and has threatened suicide a lot in the last 15 months, I can't see how I could possibly negotiate the kind of access he wants. Which means court I guess.
But then, i sit and wonder if I'm being mean or awkward, or whether I still love him and am trying to ruin his life??? I know I can't be inpartial because obviously there have been feelings involved and it involves my son who is my life but it still haunts me.
I totally agree that both parents should be a part of a childs life. But, I think there has to be negotiation on both sides and a mutual understanding and commitment from both parties, and I don't see that at the moment.
Sorry, I'm ranting again. Think I'm just talking through my thoughts...
Hi Sallyann
Has he specifically asked you anything? His text sounded like a statement with a question mark on the end!
You might be interested in this page on Family Mediation, I know that you have been wanting to sort this out for a long time and maybe now is the time, but what about letting him get the ball rolling.
For now, as he hasn't done anything about it, it may well be another empty threat.
Try and keep doing what you are doing and ignoring anything said unless it is a direct question.
You are NOT being mean or awkward or trying to ruin his life, these are all his words playing in your head. From what you have said you have tried to be compromising, fair and consistent. Please don't beat yourself up on his behalf. My mantra was and still is ' I love and approve of myself and I am in control of my life' Feel free to use it! Repeat it to yourself a million times a day, it really works!
Brilliant news about the house, really exciting!
Thanks Anna.
No, he hasn't specifically asked me anything. It was, as you said, a statement with a question mark at the end. Even the comment about money and access wasn't actually a request.
Thanks for the confirmation. I'm feeling a bit nuts at the moment, and a bit on edge. His parents are coming over for easter hols and they are asking for access which I have previously and will again accomodate but I just feel really really uneasy.
I do think its all mind games and empty threats but all of a sudden doubt hits me.
I love the mantra... think I will be repeating that a lot over the next few days!
Deep breath! Hurrah, its home time and home to my little boy!
Thanks both of you! xx
Perhaps you could have a painting party. All friends to bring a tin of paint and a paint brush...
Eventually... There is so much that needs to be done before I get to that stage... :-S
Oh Sallyann, I remember those times when you are having to deal with constant headgames, constant decisions to be made and feeling slightly anxious and on edge.
This really needs to be sorted out so that you can get on with the rest of your life and know where you stand.
You say that you feel uneasy about access with his parents. What would you like to happen? Have a think about it. Do you trust them? Would they want overnight access? Does your son know them.
I think when we are the resident parent, we don't want to be seen as being awkward or controlling etc etc, however, your son lives with you, you know him best and what is best for him. YOU decide what contact they can have and then they can either take you up on it or leave it. Do NOT let them dictate what they want. You might not feel like it, but the power is in your hands here.
If you can set the boundaries with them now and they can see that you will not be swayed it will set your relationship with them in good stead for the future.
His grandparents have seen him 3 times. They live in Ireland, and they don't like the 2 hour journey (to airport, flight over and to us) on the plane. He does not know them, in fact, he doesn't even like his grandmother on the times that he's seen her. She doesn't respect my LOs personal space and will swoop in, pick him up and smother him rather than giving him half an hour to get to know them... my LO despises this.
Last Easter when I saw them they had jumped at the chance of taking him out for the day in the summer ... and I was categorically told that "i could have a day off" and not be there... it really unnerved me. And of course, they never turned up in the summer, so its more broken promises from the father's side of the family. They also have a downs syndrome daughter who is v jealous of my LO and went to hit him (she's 21 and as strong as anything). I just get very scared at the thought.
Plus, she has this rosy pink view that everything will be alright, my ex will see the error in his ways and come running home to his "wife and family".. its just not going to happen.. and she keeps suggesting that we are going to all meet and have a nice dinner with my ex there too. Urgh.
I think I might just say its great to see them, that I'm going away for easter (was planning on visiting friends) and invite them round for tea and cakes on the morning of good friday and see what happens from there.
I was actually planning on getting LOs passport sorted out and visiting them a little later in the year. I do want him to know his grandparents, I just want them to respect and understand the position that I'm in and not be told "well, I dont know what you are moaning about, you have a roof over your head"... arrrgh, thanks to my parents, not your good for nothing son.. lol
They are nice people, and I think they mean well.. they just know how to rub me up the wrong way and they don't listen to a word that I say... when I was talking about getting married all she kept saying was "you'll have a catholic wedding in Ireland..." and I kept saying "but im not catholic.... but I'm thinking of......." and it just never went in, it was instead visits to meet the priest etc.
Your ex's parents do not want to see the negative side of their son and that is probably not going to change. They may well be disappointed in him, but prefer to ignore his wrongdoings.
It sounds as though you are really not happy for them to have your son unsupervised, so that is the first fact that you need to be sure on and ensure that they know that. If they say "you could have a day off" Thank them kindly but re-iterate that you will be there at all times. They might try and say that you are being overprotective - but so be it.
State that you don't wish to have a 'family' dinner with their son if that gets suggested again.
I think your suggestion of inviting them over for tea and cakes is a good one, however you say you will see what happens from there. I think it would be really good for you to decide beforehand exactly what will happen from there. Give them times and dates and then the decision is up to them.
Try not to say anything negative about their son, again just say that you do not wish to discuss him or your circumstances with them.
They sound like they say what they think is right and state what they want, now is the time for you to do the same. Have you seen our article Saying No and meaning it? There are some good tips there and also it links to your basic Assertiveness Rights.
Hi again..
Is there any advice you could give me??
I've found out the SD has contacted my brother on facebook to insist that I get in touch with him as he's not had "any contact for over a month and his son's welfare is his upmost importance"... He and my brother didn't get on, brother could see him for who he is and isn't responding.
Hmmm... funny.. his son was never at the upmost importance when he was in the relationship, or in the last 15 months... never mind.
Anyway, he has told my brother that he will contact Social services/police as I am ignoring his messages (he hasn't tried to ring me on the house phone), I haven't received any emails or letters from him, he has text, but, he TOLD ME not to contact him in January.. so I'm not. I'm waiting for his solicitor.... as he told me (and my solicitor confirmed this was the right course of action as anything I do at that point, could be seen as harrassment on my side).
But, if he does contact social services/police as he "fears for his son's welfare" and is reporting him as "missing" any suggestions what to do to make the visit by police/social services go smoothly?? Can I suggest that he's wasting the police/social services time? He has called on the house phone, and he does have my address so he could write/call me... but doing it over text message just ends up messy every time...
Also, what happens if he sends MET police round (I'm in Essex).. can I insist that I have Essex police visit rather than the MET as it could be his "mates" doing him a favour?? Likewise the social worker? I clearly don't want to waste anyones time, but I don't see why he has to abuse his position .. I've never heard of any other dad calling the police cos their child is "missing" but living in their family home......
I know its probably just an idol threat.. BUT, usually he'd get a response from me.. so I know I'm pushing him further to taking the action...
Hi Sally Ann,
You poor love, I know exactly how you feel my ex has played all the same games yours is playing. My response was to ignore him completely and to ONLY contact him via your solicitor.
My ex also threatened (and probably did) to call Social services on me countless times he found that threat most enjoyable because he knew I actually worked for Social Services!!! I was unable to search my own name on our system to see if he ever did report me but I never got a visit from them.
As I worked for SS I can properly offer some advice on wat is LIKELY (cant say for certain as I worked for Northwest area) to happen. Firstly, SS get massive volumes of calls from ex partners making all kinds of accusations and can usually spot that they are vindictive. If a call comes in they are required to check it out but that doesnt always mean they will come visit you. Usually they question the accuser and dependent on the allegation they will do basic welfare checks (one of my previous roles) with your childs school/nursery/health visitor etc to see if they have any concerns. As your son is only 3 I guess he isnt in full time school? so if that is the case they may need to do a visit because there are no professionals seeing him on a daily basis (generally for older children the class teacher can give good insight as to how the child is doing and visits are not neccasary) . If they do come and visit you it is likely they will just do an Initial Assessment by asking about your sons health and development and who he interacts with etc. They will ask to see where he sleeps (dont panic if he shares with you or room isnt great it is purely to make sure he has a bed and if not they can help you get one). They will read the accusations to you and allow you to respond and then depending on your son they will try and talk to him alone (not compulsory if your son isnt comfortable) asking him what he likes to do, is he happy, are there any problems etc nothing leading or uncomfortable. Then after that they will likely close the assessment unless they identify any support you may need.
Obviously it all depends on what accusations your ex throws your way. For the police to get involved there would more than likely have to be EVIDENCE as police only work on evidence (ss work on prevention and precaution also). So if your son had an physical injury your ex could use that injury to make a police complaint - However doctors are very good at determining accidental/non-accidental injuries.
Your ex would not really be able to report your son missing because he isnt missing what he could do is request a welfare check because he hasnt heard from his son and is concerned for his welfare. This could be done by the police or SS and it just involves them calling in to see that your son is safe and well and then reporting back to your ex that he is.
I hope this helps and stay strong. Dont worry about visits as they are unlikely to happen anyway and as your ex works for the police he knows this himself. Try not to get bogged down in requesting different officers and social workers as this may look as obstructive and no matter whos side they are on there is very little they could do than what I said above.
Good luck x
Hi Sallyann this could probably be as you have suggested just an idol threat, or he could do as he has threatened though he would have to have a good reason to get them to make a visit.
Do you have anything in writing about the not contacting him, either from him or your solicitor? if you did get a visit you could show them if you do!
I know this is not much to go on, but i would really recommend that you talk with your solicitor to see what they suggest would be the best course of action.
Do let us know how things progress? i hope that it is just a threat
Thank you so so much Littleangel! That is just what I needed to hear!
I don't want to appear obstructive, at the same time, I wouldn't want, for example, his girlfriend turning up on my door in her PC outfit (she's a copper too) and trying to pull the other one.. or one of his mates turning up - I had a friend whose ex police husband framed her for criminal damage to his car, on xmas eve she was in a cell for 6 hours! so its playing on my mind!
LO has bunk beds with me (him on the bottom, me on the top obviously), so he has a bed, our flat is small, but we are currently redecorating a house so will be able to move in at some point this year. Our home that we live in is clean and tidy etc, there are no "problems" i.e heavy drinkers, gamblers, smokers, drugs etc.
LO is at preschool full time and the father knows where this is (he in fact helped to choose the nursery).. so no problems if SS wanted to get involved. Preschool think he's a lovely, well balanced little boy that although he was severely disruptive and introvert while his father was on the scene, in the last 15 months has turned out to be an exceptionally loving, happy little boy that is safe and secure..they have contact with me, my mum and my dad every day.
He regularly sees his GP for ear infections etc, but no accidents, He got grated carrot stuck up his nose at nursery one day which I took him to hospital for and got a call from SS but that was just an open and shut case of them following up, a 2 minute phone call (and the father was still in residence at that point). No other accidents (touch wood) to report... He sees his paedeatrician for autism and his speech therapy drop ins (last one was only last week) so its not as if they would find him neglected, although he hasn't seen a health visitor since December 2010 - I work full time and he sees so many other drs that we know his weight, height and development etc are all good.
My mum is really scared at the idea they would turn up and hand him over to his dad or something (no residency order in place) .. and as much as I say SS don't work like that, it is still whizzing around in her head... and of course, it then gave me nightmares last night.... I've been awake since 2am this morning.
I know it sounds really silly, because I know he's not missing, his father knows his not missing, he is just a bully with a badge and a little bit of power that tries to scare us. he actually made us homeless at Christmas 2010 and when I said "we've no where to live" he said "don't expect me to help you, you money grabbing wh0re".. (I worked full time my whole life, have my own flat, house and car.... only 6 months off mat leave... and paid off lots of HIS debt while together......)
One day when we were together, he had flattened his battery, my dad said "jump in" and they went down to halfords to get a new one... my ex had his warrant card out to the guy in halfords cos "if they know I'm a PC, then I wont get fobbed off"..... errrm, its a bloody car battery for gods sake lol... but that's the kind of mentality I'm dealing with..
Thanks so much for your response, its really settled my mind (well, a little bit lol...) I'll just wait and see if I hear anything.. xxx
He text me it, twice! And his final text in January actually said "You will be hearing from the CSA and my brief and deal with them. Do not contact me. Goodbye"
I've saved the texts and got them on a memory stick... .
Which was then when i went to see my solicitor... although she didn't write down that I should turn the phone off in her advice to me (typical).. but she certainly said it to me - my mum was there as witness to that.
I ended up contacting the CSA because I know if I don't, then I won't get any money from him.... but he's avoiding them at the moment, they are almost at the point of speaking to debt collectors because he is refusing to make contact with them (so they say,when their system isn't down.....) I waited 15 months for him to contact the childcare voucher people after filling out all the forms myself, still no childcare vouchers from him....
I'm sure its just a threat, but nightmares last night and the feeling of having my family life violated has left me feeling really insecure - he has actually sought my little brother out on facebook to contact him.. (he can't find me as I've actually blocked him and made myself invisible...). I don't feel comfortable in my own home and that's not fair because that impacts on my parents lives too.
Part of me actually wants it to not be a threat, and SS/police actually turn up on my door and realise the stupidity of this situation and have a few words to him. It does cross my mind to speak to the independant police complaints board, but to me, its my/his personal life, and I dont believe work/personal life should be breached (although he does in fact have an overlap on the two....and, in my opinion he abuses his powers). I don't have anything to hide, I just want this thing to be sorted out and for my family to be able to live happily and not in fear of his next tantrum.
Hi Sallyann,
glad that has helped you a little. I can really relate to what your going through. These losers have nothing better to do than make our lives hell which in turn impacts on their childs lives -fools!
I know you are paranoid about his fellow officer friends coming etc but it would be highly immoral for them to do anthing against you for him. Plus, unless he works in child protection himself (specific area of police) its unlikely you will deal with someone he knows. All the same I understand your concerns but I would just warn you to at least give them a chance and if they are un toward then report them because I know fom being on the inside that professionals really dont like having the integrity questioned and by requesting a different force you would be implying (indirectly of course) that the whole of the Met are corrupt and they wont like it. I have seen similar requests in my dept and it didnt go down well. Of course the Met may be more understanding than who I dealt with but just a warning.
Given that your ex is in the force though I do strongly suspect they are empty threats as he will know exactly how the system works - he probably just trying to scare you. My ex did exactly the same, wore me down with threats of violence, harming my family, abducting my daughter, sending indecent photos of me to my work colleagues etc to the point that I almost had a breakdown and was stuck on high doses of antidepressants and anxiety pills - then he claims I am mentally unstable and unable to care for our daughter!!!!
Although my ex doesnt work for police or anything he is a massive charmer and very intelligent (well in terms of books). He has been in and out of prison and is the type of guy that will read law books for fun and then represent himself in court (usually with success). He thinks he is untouchable. He even hacked off my old solicitor by digging out some archaeic law that my solicitor had no knowledge of in order to have my whereabouts revealed (for safety my address is witheld from him). I will be having to face this man in court on 25th April (without a solicitor) and only god knows what he will be pulling out the bag this time.
I have been like you though just wanting a visit from SS just to get the all clear so I can relax. i begged my manager when I worked there to send somesocial workers from another district just to doan assessment so I could relax but SS really dont like to get involved with partner disputes unless there are genuine risks to children.
I really wish you well I feel your pain x
Wow, he sounds so familiar in the charmer and intelligence! My ex is the blue eyed boy... can do no wrong, even my mum was fooled by him!
Can't believe the things your ex did, that is terrible. You poor thing, hope that the court goes ok for you. I'm not even trying to think of having to go to court against him. It just fills me with dread.
I just wish that these "men" could spend as much quality time with their children as they do trying to pee us off...
It did cross my mind to have SS come round and do a report to put everyones minds at rest..but then again, I figured that if I did, if and when he did a report, then it would just be repeated!
Thank you again!
xxx
Hi Sallyann
I am sorry to read that he is consistently harrassing you or threatening action on you.
I have just spoken with our local Police force to see what could be done, as you are not the first parent on these boards who have experienced this kind of abuse from their ex who is in the forces.
It was recommended that you call 101 and ask for Professional Standards (see Standards of Professional Behaviour) and report your issues. This service is provided by officers from other forces and retired policepeople, so never anyone that would know your ex. They may ask you to put the history down in writing and you would hear back within 5 -10 days.
If you did not feel that they dealt with the issue well you could then take it to the Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPPC).
It is not fair that you are being subjected to this, not only is it phsycologically abusive to you, but in turn it also impacts on your son.
I know that it is a scary process to go through, but he will not be protected. The police on the whole are good people trying to seek justice.
You do keep records of all your dealings with your ex don't you?
Hi Anna
Yes, I keep records of everything, taped if on the phone, copies on the phone text messages and obviously anything I send to him/receive from the post.
Will defo give them a call and have a chat with them. I dont want to get him into trouble or anything like that, yet at the same time, I dont think I should be faced with these threats that he can throw at me because he is in a position of power.
Thank you so much!
xxx
Sallyann, go for it hun. Its not about YOU getting him in to trouble he has got HIMSELF in trouble, and given the job he has it is very obvious he knows the difference between right and wrong!
Good luck with it and I hope this make him back off.
Sallyann, I agree with littleangel, do not even think about whether it is getting him into trouble. He is bringing shame onto the pollice force and they will not be best pleased. You need to look after number one and that is you. So that you can look after your son to the best of your ability.
Also just think, if he gets away with this behaviour, who else is he intimidating?
Hello SallyAnn
How awful that you should be hassled like this.
The first thing to say is keep a record of it all, store texts and emails and write down telephone calls, just in case you need these for the future.
The second is yes, you may need some legal advice but I would be inclined to see what happens next. We have a legal expert on this site that you can contact by clicking here, but perhaps see what pattern of harrassment may emerge first..and then ask the lawyer if you have enough material for a harrassment charge, or if you should report it anyway, so that it is on record.
As far as social services is concerned, they don't tend to just swoop down on a family unless there is some hard evidence of danger to a child, they will phone you up and have a chat with you in the first instance.
It seems to me that what he is trying to achieve is to upset you and cause you turmoil and worry....and he has achieved his aim. The only person you are hurting with all this anxiety is yourself. Have faith in yourself, rise above his little games, what he is doing sounds very childish and you need to stay the grown up one here.