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Hello
Wondered if anybody has any advice or has had to deal with this before..
My son who is 10 keeps saying things to me and when I tell him off says he is joking. I know he is not, he is an
intelligent boy, does well at school but seems to have this way (similar to his father) of saying hurtful things
with a very serious intent.
The most recent one was when we were watching a program about mums and daughters and who was getting a make-over.
Whilst watching it, he turns to me and say all serious (and i am sure not joking)..'mum you seriously need a make-over'
I looked over at him, not saying anything but with one of those looks and then he says 'seriosly mum, you do!
Another incident was when he saw something he wrote about his dad when he was about 6. He got all upset, which is
rare for him to do and when I said to him what was wrong he just said 'read that' and it was about how next time we
went to spain he would like his dad to come..He then says to me, 'to be honest, if i was dad i would have left you as well'
but he has also made a bad decision about **** (his now wife)!
I didnt react to what he said, but in all seriousness I believe he meant it..
Its heartbreaking to think that he can be so nasty to me...I have always taught him not to be nasty to people, not
judge them by their looks and have done my best to bring him up and give him all I could.
What I need to know, is, is this normal?? I know all kids can be hurtful, but his is so personal. He always says he
is joking if i do mention it and says i am being stupid!!
Any ideas how to deal with this?? I admit my self esteem is not high and this does not help.!
Thanks for reading
K
Thankyou Louise for responding to my problem.
You have given me some good advice and I will try the tactic you suggest of explaining to him how what he says has upset me. Will see how it goes.
Thanks again
Hi airfairy, welcome to One Space. Kids can be very hurtful indeed can't they? My son is 8 in September, and he also says stuff that hurts. His father isn't involved, so I can't say that it's coming from him. I find my son copies behaviour of his friends, and I tell him all the time, it's not acceptable, and I want respect from him. My heart goes out to you because I know how horrid it can be.
Take care
Alison
x
Hi
Yes it is so hurtful!.. I think I am upset as well and have been seeing someone for about 4 years now and he has made it quite clear his heart isnt in it anymore. I think I have a problem with self esteem anyway.
I feel very alone..no family for support, my mum doesnt want to know, my sister is abroad and my brother is not close either. I really feel for my son as his dad has got married and had 2 girls and since the birth of the second one my son only sees him on a saturday for a day out every fortnight. I feel so lonely and dont want to call the boyfriend or ex-boyfriend just because I feel lonely. I have some friends but not easy to talk to them or see them with their own children and lives so busy!
I am really despondent sometimes about how my life has turned out..I would never have thought I would be like this at 40!!
Hello again airyfairy
Sounds as if you have hit a rough patch altogether 
However, whatever your life is like at 40, it need not be the same at 41!
You have mentioned self esteem a couple of times and you're right, it is the key to so many things. How do you think it could be improved? Would you consider some counselling or are you more the sort of person who reads books? One of the best ones I have found is "A Woman in Your Own Right" by Anne Dickson.
I know that your friends have busy lives but they are your friends and I am sure you have been/would be there for them in times of trouble, so do ask people. I understand that it is hard to just phone someone out the blue but you could text or phone and say "I am having a really rough time at the moment and could do with a long chat, can we arrange a time when you are free?" and then you know that you are not trying to talk while they are cooking tea/clearing up cat mess/nursing someone through measles/writing an essay.
In the middle of the night, I have found The Samaritans really good to talk to/cry with. You don't have to be suicidal to contact them, they will listen and give you support, their number is 085457 909090 or click here for their website.
Don't forget we are all here for you too!
Hi airyfairy
loads of hugs...
Hi airyfairy
I don't think we have met before??
Children can say hurtful things, but sometimes they don't realise how deep their comments go.
Few children are deliberately trying to hurt us, however if you think it is deliberate then it is good that you are seeking support while he is still young enough to learn new ways.
I wonder if there are any womens groups in your area where you can do confidence/assertiveness/building your self esteem courses? They can be very empowering. I also think that parenting programmes are a fantastic way to meet new people, learn new techniques and sort through a particularly difficult problem. Parentlineplus run them all over the country.
Special/quality time is SOO important, it totally changed mine and my daughters relationship, just giving her myself, switching off from everything that needed to be done and giving her my undivided attention.
If your son senses that your self esteem is not great, he might be frustrated by it, so it is important for him to see that you ARE the one in control. He needs to learn your boundaries.
Keep reminding yourself, I am a good mum, I approve of my choices and my parenting, keep telling yourself that you are a good person and don't question yourself. Did you manage to have a chat with him as Louise suggested?
Hi airyfairy,
Great to meet you..I'm so glad that you have raised this topic as I think that it can be very isolating to express serious concerns about our children's behaviour/attitudes.
Did you have the chat with your son? How did it go?
HelenT
Hi airyfairy
How is your heart? You mentioned that your relationship of 4yrs has ended, it sounds like he has just walked away, how are you coping?
Good for you not calling either of your ex's, I think some of us have been guilty of that and regretted it later on, so pat on the back for you being strong in that respect.
They say life begins at 40! Maybe this is just the first day of the rest of your life and who knows what the future holds! You are in control of that!
How is your son?
I thought it was just me that pined after old X's when relationships ended.
There was one that I'd been pining over for four years and then she came to stay with me for a week. I suddenly realised that the person I was pining over lived entirely in my head and bared little resemblance to the self centred selfish person sleeping in my room for a week, eating my food and spending my money and having a go at me for everything I said or did.
Just like the good old days.
Relationships end for reasons, it's just when it's you that's dumped we forget what they were.
That probably didn't make you feel any better, sorry :D
hello airy fairy
How hurtful! I remember overhearing a nasty remark my son made about me to his younger brother, it was six years ago but I still remember the hurt.
Of course you do not know what his dad has been saying to him, and to a large extent that is out of your control.
I have a couple of suggestions. Firstly you could think about setting aside some Special Time for the two of you to do something together that he really likes on a weekly basis, ask him to choose something. This is to build up your relationship, whilst trying to ignore the nasty remarks at first.
Secondly I would suggest talking to him at a time when you are both relaxed together. Try not to become emotional during this talk. Prepare your script as an ABC:
A=Specify what you feel
B=Specify what behaviour you want him to change
C= Specify what you would prefer to see
So, instead of saying "I am sick of all these nasty remarks, you are always saying awful things to me. After all I done for you, you ungrateful so-and-so, get to bed, you are evil", try " I feel hurt when you make nasty remarks to me such as you would have left me, the same as Dad has. I would like you to think about whether that is a kind thing to say and in future, I expect you to be more considerate of my feelings. If you would find it helpful to talk things over then I am happy to arrange some other support for you but I am your mother and I expect respectful behaviour from you." The key is to stay calm and not to get emotional.
Relateen, or a counsellor at school, may be able to help him make sense of the changes that have happened in his short life. Click here for details