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Hi My 5 year old has been saying that he doesnt want to go out with his dad for about 6 months now, but he has always gone, he has slept out at his dads but has phoned me in tears saying he wants to come home, but his dad would not bring him home,
this weekend my son told his dad he wasnt going out and didnt want to see his dad again, I felt really sorry for his dad and tried to make my son change his mind but he didnt and he said he would be happy if he never saw him again,
I want to know if my son has to go out with him?
please help as I would love some advice as my son has said if he goes out with his dad he will run away from his dad.
As to whether you have to make him go well that depends on whether there is a court order in place. If contact stops then your son's dad might take it to court anyway
If dad did this he would be building a brick wall and being very selfish his sons feelings should come first.
I speak from experence it is taking a child psychologist to repair the damage my EX has done to our daughter with her lies even my three boys hate me from what she has said.
Forcing your son to see his dad is a big NO NO time will sort this mess out try photos and letters and even contact by phone if your son will not go to his dad's
DO NOT FORCE HIM
Try very hard not to invole the school cos they will tell the social service's that will just cause more problems trust me.
Thanks for the input Pash02, the voice of experience!
Janepoo, how are things going?
Hi
I'm coming late to this conversation but I just wanted to share my own situation. My boys are 4 and 5 and they both dislike going to their Dad's now due to his fiancee. This has been going on since December when they moved in together.
My 4 year old has recently been refusing to go. The 5 year old is much more attached to his Dad and so still wants to go as benefits outweigh the dislike of the fiancee.
I should just explain, I don't know why they don't like his fiancee. It could be simply because she is not me, but I suspect it is due to the slightly disfunctional nature of their home.
It's subtle but she is very much in charge of the house but she is not loving towards them with it. At times it seems she may feel they are somewhat of a nuisance.
Their Dad has always given them attention when he has been with them but I sense this has changed since they move in as fiancee needs more attention. The boys and her children are left to their own devices a lot of the time as she has quite a hands off approach to parenting.
The reason I am telling you all this is that I know the boys won't come to any real harm at their house. The situation may not be easy for them, but on the positive side it will give them skills in life and emotionally fortitude they may otherwise not have had.
Because I know they are okay at their house, when my four year old has said he is not going I have not allowed any wiggle room. Initially I tried to get him to talk with his Dad about the problem (but that was a disaster as Dad got all offended - he has personality problems as far as I can see!)
So I don't do that anymore. I have let them know that at the moment, not going is not an option but I give them ample opportunity to talk about what happened there and how they feel about it. We have a bad feelings box for my 5 year old. We also talk about strategies for managing some of the common situations that arise, particularly with the other children.
My reasoning is that at aged 4/5 my children do not have the ability to decide what is right for them. I believe it is right for them to have their father in their life and the law is in agreement with that. I would hate for them to miss out on a relationship with their Dad because I took what they said at 4/5 and applied it. It's my job to see the bigger picture for them.
However, I am watching the situation very closely indeed and will step in if anything unsafe happens.
I don't know how I would cope if I was in your situation. I don't have to contend with them ringing me in tears (he doesn't let them - I wouldn't either btw so I agree with that) and also they are quite happy to see him once he arrives - He doesn't have to prise them off me or anything.
For me there is definitely an element that they are worried about me when they're gone - who will I talk to etc. I am careful not to say "I missed you" when they come back but rather stick to "I'm so happy to see you".
They want our next door neighbour to live with us i.e. be my boyfriend which didn't come up before their Dad moved in with his financee. This definitely gives me a clue that must be part of the story.
I also know my 4 year old doesn't feel he spends enough time with me, added to that the lesser amount of attention he gets at his Dad's he would rather stay and have me all to himself.
I agree with Louise that understanding the why is very important. If you can get a handle on that it's got to be a big help in resolving the problem. I also think if the Dad is sensible, to change the contact for a while to be shorter could be very beneficial.
From my own childhood I remember the most difficult thing about being a child visiting my divorced father was feeling out of control of what we were doing. Maybe it would help if he spoke to Dad in advance about plans for when he is there?
Conversely, my 5 year old has done better dealing with the divorce by not speaking to his Dad in between. His Dad basically ignores the children in between his fortnightly visits. I used to talk about him everyday and we would ring or text him any news.
I have recently stopped doing that as an experiment and actually for the 5 year old it has helped a lot. Not being constantly reminded he has a Dad for whom he is 6th or 7th on the list of his priorities (after fiancee, work, social activities/clubs and her children) has been enormously beneficial.
I hope you manage to figure out your particular situation. Please let us know how you get on.
I'll be thinking of you.
Gem
x
Thanks for the input GEM. Interesting how your two have reacted differently to each other. I think that is a valuable lesson, for us not to keep mentioning the other parent but to respond in a matter of fact and pleasant way when THEY do the mentioning.
i think ur attitude is brilliant gem, my eldest if five and sometimes refuses to go then i have to cajole/bribe her, think if it wasnt for the court order i prob wudnt bother!
it doesnt seem fair that he can cancel contcat when it desnt suit him but the children cant do the same
Hi Chocolate81 - I know what you mean. But they can (and will) vote with their feet when they're older.
I have found it easier since I have been clear that there is no negotiation. When I was wavering about it they played up more. Since I have been sure in my head that they are going they have accepted it more.
I don't know if that would make it easier for you rather than cajoling or bribing? The whole thing is a flipping nightmare. The main thing I have found is to do the right thing yourself. Uphold your part of the deal but not take any part in his side of the deal.
If/when he disappoints them by not turning up, I feel it's a good moment to teach a philosophical outlook on life! I have done a lot of - people are different, you can't control other people they will do what they want to do etc. If nothing else all of this is "character building"!!
Gem
x
Chocolate81
surely if there is a court order in place he must want to see his children?
I know i would love to see mine again.
If he is playing at being a half wit and only seeing his children when it suits cant you go back to court with a diary of when contact has taken place.
Or better still let him play his games and when the children refuse to go dont make them and when he takes you back to court all you do is:
Produce a dairy of when contact has taken place and how long and when he has missed contact cos he cant be bothered then let the judge see what a pratt he is and how he is playing games with the childrens minds and feeling's
Grrrrr sorry for the rant
Parental communication is the valuable asset, pre planned activities on contact are often the way to progress contact issues. Find out what your child would like to do when he is with his dad, assist dad to arrange this… support dad in his contact problems by promoting telephone contact, if you have a civil friendship with dad why not all go to McDonalds, then dad can arrange to do it again with the child during that time.. it is important for your child’s healthy development to have a meaningful relationship with both parents. The lack of such can have a detrimental impact upon the child’s own later adult life relationships.
Court orders for contact arrrangements should be the last resort. many parents seek court intervention due to thier own feelings that the other parent is not helping to encourage or support contact.
Hello janepoo and welcome to One Space
The first thing you need to do is to find out WHY he does not want to go. Is there something happening at Dad's house that is upsetting him? Is he scared? Is he worried about something happening to you while he is away? it may be that although you think you are being OK about his time with his dad, if you say things like "I will really miss you" too much then he gets the message that you will be sad, Far better to say things like "Dad will be sad if he does not see you, he loves you so much"
Would Dad agree to a shorter time for a while, with no overnight stay? You would have to reassure your son that he could come home after a short time, Dad would have to stick to it and you would both have to work together to make sure you were encouraging about the contact. Another idea is for Dad to offer a special outing to somewhere that your son thinks of as a big treat.
As to whether you have to make him go well that depends on whether there is a court order in place. If contact stops then your son's dad might take it to court anyway and unless there are very unusual circumstances such as drugs or violence then it is likely he would be granted a contact order.
Far better to try and get to the bottom of why your son feels like this in the first place. If he won't tell you then maybe he would tell his teacher or one of his teachers?
In the meantime, look here to find a storybook you can read with your son.