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Hi
I'm finding life really hard at the moment. At the beginning of the year I separated from my partner of 20 years when I finally realised he was an abusive person - I had all the responsibility and he had all the power and control. The abuse started in ernest once the children arrived 13yrs ago. We have two, boy aged 13 and girl of 11. Both children have witnessed and experienced abuse from their Dad.
My daughter loves her Dad and sees him for one overnight stay a week. She would like to see him more but he says it's too painful for him. My son refused to go and stay with him and eventually he agreed to 1.5hrs of sport with his Dad at the local leisure centre one night a week. This has been a fixed arrangement since Feb. Recently, my ex was complaining to me that it wasn't enough and that he felt he was losing touch with his son. I explained to my ex that our son needed time, space, that he needed to feel safe when he's with his Dad. I told my ex that I thought our son felt uncomfortable with him at the moment, he was angry and sad about the split.
On their next sports session my ex then decided to tell my son what I'd said and questioned him about it and told him that they should forget about the 1.5hrs a week if our son wouldn't agree to more time with his Dad. My son was really upset, with me for saying those things (though he agreed they were true), was angry with his Dad for threatening to stop the sports sessions and said he felt bad for upsetting his Dad. I told my son I was really sorry and I never meant to betray him. I told him he hadn't done anything wrong and he shouldn't feel bad, that it was my fault, and his Dad shouldn't have behaved like that.
I was really upset, angry with myself that I lulled myself into thinking I was talking to an adult. He is so selfish.
My son said he didn't want to see his Dad at all now. His Dad puts him under a lot of pressure when he does speak to him, ie. when are we going to do something together, I really miss you etc. My son is non committal but doesn't want to be rude/hurtful. I have just texted my ex to say our son says he'll contact his Dad when he's ready. My son was really relieved and said thank you. I know it's not the end of it.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing? I really want my son to have a relationship with his Dad (and I've told him that many times), but I also know how my son feels. I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position, ie. open to his manipulation, criticism etc anymore
Thanks
Hi Aunt Flo and welcome from me, I just wanted to say that I think you are dealing with a really tricky situation very well, you have been honest with your ex and with your son and there is little more that you can do.
Thank you so much for your support Sally W and Anna.
I'm trying to follow my gut instinct all the time. I had a text today from my ex asking what our son's plans were this weekend. He said he felt this isn't healthy and common ground has to be found. I replied that I would meet him on Tuesday and discuss then. He sent another text saying fine about meeting up with me but he still wanted to know our son's plans as he wanted a face to face chat with him.
I dwelled on this and decided to write him a letter saying that we must put our son first, and step 1 is to take the pressure off him. It was the grownups' mess and we needed to listen to what he is asking for. I am sure of one thing which is that our son needs space, to feel that he is in control of the situation and has choices. Our son needed to know that his Dad is there for him, loving him very much, but respecting his needs at the moment. I told him I didn't like his reference to 'common ground' as this implies somehow that I am controlling the situation. I told him I was not influencing our son in anyway, just respecting his choices. To end it I asked him to think of ways he could show his love and respect to our son without any pressure and we'd discuss it next week.
I thought I'd better send my ex a holding text so I just told him a letter was in the post (too much to text) and that I'd speak to him next week. I haven't told my son about it as he would be fretting all weekend that his Dad could just turn up (which he may still do - I wouldn't be surprised). I wish he'd just back off.
Thanks for the links Anna - I've already started the Freedom Programme. This site is brilliant.
Sorry, thank you Sally W for the links! It's late......time for book and bed!
That sounds like a really good way of handling the situation.
I was really shocked that your son's dad laid down the law and said that he would only see him on his own terms. His dad is on the back foot now, I don't know if he realises but he is going the right way to losing touch altogether as he rejected the hour and half they were having together.
Try to stay calm and firm, don't let him blame you, point out it was HIM that rejected the time they already had. Also in my experience teens who pull away from one parent after separation often do so because the level of conflict between their separated parents is too much for them to cope with so maybe his dad would be persuaded that one way to rebuild the relationship with your son is to improve things between the two of you?
Thanks Louise.
It's a difficult one as I really want my son to spend time with his Dad, have a relationship with him. I've told my son that it would make me happy (for a while I worried in case he felt he was being disloyal to me).
Unfortunately my ex has had a hobbie for the last 15yrs, which he would like to pursue as a business but never has. He always came up with an excuse not to go for it (ie. we held him back etc, made him feel guilty for spending so much time at his workshop - which we did not.)
Over the years my son has often said to me 'why can't Dad be here more' and 'why is his hobbie more important than being with us' etc. I used to give excuses for his Dad but I think he knew that's what they were. We weren't important to my ex. We became very independant (which my ex tried to make us feel guilty about) as he would never come with us to anything. Whenever he did spend time with us 'as a family', he'd make sure we all knew how much of a sacrifice he was making, and my son would really resent it like he was an intruder. I used to try and smooth over the situation but my ex would behave like a teenager, fall out with us all and my son would accuse me of not sticking up for him. It was such a 'treading on eggshells time'.
Now everything is so much calmer. If my ex is here for more than 5 minutes my son says to me 'what's he doing here? He doesn't live here anymore'. I think my son sees my ex as a reminder of some very dark times. I'm always reminding my son of the good stuff Dad did when he was around, but he tells me he's glad he's not here anymore, just sad and angry. On a positive side my son can be very helpful and he is much more caring.
I'm being really positive with the kids about the future, they know we don't have to move and I'm not going anywhere. We spend lots of time with my Dad and have a good supportive group of friends. My ex is still consistently inconsistent!! We only see him when he comes to pick up my daughter - sometimes he is all smiles and other times he can't even look me in the eye, says nothing.
The sad thing is that my ex's family haven't bothered to contact us, even to speak to the kids. You'd think I'd been the abusive partner. I assume it's because I wouldn't 'try' anymore, I said he couldn't move back, therefore I'm at fault.
Sorry, I'm rambling on. Still it is helpful to get it out. Thanks for being there.
You have really thought this through, well done to you. All you can do is keep being positive. What a shame his family have not bothered. I know so many grandparents who are heartbroken to have lost touch with their grandchildren.
Keep on keeping on. Hope you have some nice plans this weekend 
Hi
I hope he does think things through and works things out in a way that will work with your son. My lot see very little of their Dad, but then that has been down to him. I did/do see a lot of my ex-in-laws (my father-in-law died last year), which has been good. I lost my parents many years ago now.
I'm glad your Dad is there for you - I know how much I miss mine
While I know that we figure that it's the loss of the parent who chooses not to work with the children, I do think it is a loss to the child too - in my case my daughter's. She's 19 now, and I know she'd have loved to have had him there more in their lives.
I hope the sun is shining where you are.
Hi, not sure where the months have gone! We had a fairly good summer (that weather helped!) and have slowly been moving forward. I have signed up to start an access course in Feb with the OU with a view to doing an languages degree which will take me years....
My daughter continued to see her Dad for the one night a week but recently asked him if they could change their night (it was a Sunday) as she'd just started secondary school and was finding the early start difficult. My ex refused to budge saying it was important they maintained a 'constance'......anyway, my daughter has decided that she doesn't want to do nights at his anymore and so now she sees him from 4 - 9pm on a Sun evening. I have since learned from his brother that my ex is now telling everyone I'm stopping him from seeing his daughter and his son.
There is also the matter of maintenance. Up until July this year my ex has been paying for half the mortgage, saying this was his contribution towards the children. This was a private arrangement we agreed on when he moved out. In July, he announced that he would no longer pay anything towards the mortgage and that according to the CSA calculator he'd been paying over the odds for his children. I asked him if he was going to pay a lesser amount and he said he wasn't going to pay anything and that I had to take a formal route (ie CSA). I have done this and am still waiting for money from him, even though I've written to him numerous times asking him to pay something in the mean time. Hopefully the CSA will have a figure for me this week that he should be paying. It's been very hard trying to survive on nothing since July. I know he's just withholding money to hurt me, but the reality is the kids suffer as I just can't afford any extras (new clothes etc). My family have been so supportive and helped out with the school uniforms. I keep my letters business and unemotional - always remembering the advice.......never show your abuser your pain.
As time goes on, life is pretty overwhelming at times, but it hits home that I'm better out of the relationship. My hardest challenge has been about learning to accept that I'm not dealing with a rational adult, he's just an adolescent and there is never going to be a 'ping' moment, he's never going to change.
My current dilema has involved the dreaded iphone! My ex bought an iphone4 a couple of years ago, which he has always promised our son could have when he upgrades. In the last few months my ex has now said that our daughter can have the iphone4. I reminded her that her brother was supposed to have it as he'd been promised it, to which she replied, "but he doesn't see Dad". I said this didn't matter, a promise was a promise. Of course my son has said that he really wants the iphone4 (he is a stickler for fairness) and that as he'd recently been given an iphone3 by a friend that his sister could have that. My daughter thought it all over and agreed that it would be fairer for her brother to have their Dad's phone. My son, bless him, was concerned that it could affect his sister and her Dad's relationship if he found out.
My daughter has come back from her Dad's tonight, said she'd talked about the situation with her Dad and said that her Dad wanted her to have the phone as she had been so strong and he was very proud of her. I just repeated that we needed to be fair and that I didn't want the phone in the house unless her brother had it. I am very concerned that their father is trying to drive a wedge between them, and obviously rewarding our daughter for seeing him, whilst sending a clear message to our son (who still refuses to see or speak to him).
Oh I forgot to mention, whilst we were in France visiting my Mum in the summer hols, my ex came into the house and took loads of stuff, furniture, joint items and other things to really upset us all, ie. xmas decs, all the photos we had on CDs etc - all without my agreement. He left 2yrs ago and took lots of furniture etc then. He has had a key all that time and has never taken anything even though he'd had opportunities. I have now changed the lock as we were all feeling really vulnerable and violated. I have not talked to him since, though have written to him. He just ignores all my letters.
So that's my life at the mo.......sorry, I've rambled on :)
Hello Aunt Flo it is great to hear from you. Glad that things are generally moving forward though this sounds very challenging at times.
Well done for changing the locks, and fingers crossed about the CSA, let us know if there are any hiccups along the way as we have a CSA expert who can help to point you in the right direction.
I like the way your children and you discuss things and it is sad that your ex seems to want to stir up trouble between them. Stay strong, and it is exciting news about your course, well done!
Thanks Louise.
Sorry, I did off load a bit didn't I? After talking to a friend, I've found a solution to the iphone4 monster - I've decided it would be better to get my daughter a secondhand iphone3, then we can tell my ex to put his bribe (because that's what it feels like)where the sun doesn't shine. Does anyone have a redundant one lying in a drawer?!!
I have spent today drafting a letter to my ex's brother as he seemed to be in the dark about what's gone on and how badly his brother has behaved, and continues to behave. They may be cut from the same cloth, and he may still side with his brother, but then a line will be drawn and I'll know where we are.
Yes, I'm really pleased about the OU course. Bit nervous of course, but I really felt I had to do something for myself.
I spoke to the CSA today and they are chasing my ex's employer for his current wage. I will stay on their case and contact them on Thursday for an update.
I've just found out that my ex refused to accept my last recorded delivery letter. It only contained my account info (which he has already) so that when the CSA contact him he can start paying! Talk about sticking his head in the sand..........how old? I will continue to communicate via letter and recorded delivery. Or do you think there's a better way? (he blocked my email address). I rarely text him and that's just to confirm collection/drop times for my daughter.
Hi Aunt Flo, sounds like you may have found the solution to the phone situation. I would just recommended you continue trying to contact him as you are, unless you go down the legal route.
Hope you get the CSA stuff sorted soon.
I just wanted to say that the relationship that you and your kids have with each other sounds wonderful. Your children sound so mature and caring. They're a credit to you. x
Thanks for your lovely comments just_immi.
Christmas passed without major event, I even managed to have a drinks party for some neighbours and friends. My ex knocked at the door on Christmas Eve but we all ignored it. It turned out he had a bag of presents and gushy cards (with lots of I, I ,I in them - nothing changes!) for the kids which he left with a friend.
My daughter announced back in late November that she didn't want to see her Dad at the moment. When I asked her what had happened she said she didn't feel comfortable being there with him and it was too much. She hasn't seen him since then though she did agree to write a Christmas card for him. Something my son also agreed to do. Neither of them wanted to speak or see their Dad at Christmas. My daughter has sent her Dad a text saying thank you for the presents and I think they may have texted a few times but for the moment he is listening to them ie. staying away until they decide to make contact.
In the meantime I have been accused of parent alienation etc but I have just ignored the texts and they have stopped.
I am still waiting for maintenance money. The CSA are progressing slowly - they seem to give the non payer plenty of time/opportunity to pay (it's been going on since Sept) when it is so clear he was never going to make a payment. Now it's going down the 'collecting from his salary' road - so possibly nothing from him until end March. How does he sleep at night? Obviously he blames me for stopping the kids from seeing him.
Other than feeling overwhelmed most days I am trying to stay strong and look forward.
Glad to hear from you Aunt Flo and thanks for updating us on whats been going on for you
Welldone you for staying strong and not getting drawn into his games, thankfully it sounds like he is listening to what the children want, as for the CSA your right that can be a slow process, they have sped up the process a while back it could of taken years.
How are things going with your course?
The course starts 1st Feb. I'm a bit nervous about it but I've read some of the info and watched the intro DVD and I feel I can do it, well, at least have a good go at it!! I'm just going to take it bit by bit.
Hi Aunt Flo it sounds as though you will be busy with the course, remember you can always come on here and share how it is going!
Keep strong and keep looking forward, there is a great future out there! How are the children? It sounds as though they know their own minds, you mentioned that you think they are texting with their father, will they come to you if he says anything untoward?
Hi
I just wanted to say that I have been looking in on the forum and it's lovely to see how people's lives move on so positively. It's really empowering and gives you so much hope and faith.
I'm a couple of months into my OU course now and really enjoying it. I've juggled my hours at work and get at least a day a home which I try to use as a study day.....so far I'm succeeding though you find the washing up, the dirty clothes and the dog looking at you regularly!
The children seem to be doing well. My son, like Shaz, has just chosen his options and my daughter finally seems to be settling into her first year at secondary school.
Neither of the children want to see or have contact with their Dad, though I do check in with them every month. I don't make it a big deal, i just want them to know that it is ok with me, it's totally up to them. My ex has texted my daughter a couple of times since Christmas, she shows them to me, lots of I, I, I and more pressure of when is she going to see him etc. She tells me she just deletes them and never replies. My ex doesn't have my son's phone number so he could only contact him by letter or home phone. Myself, I have only had one text basically asking me to pass on a message to the kids, to tell them to contact him soon and start a healthy relationship. I told them but I didn't reply to him.
Good news - the maintenance payments have started (deducted from his salary) with no explanation for his non payment since last July. At least I can now pay for the kids school trips, uniform, phone top ups etc without having to borrow off family anymore. It's a good feeling.
Reading Shaz's post made me think about my ex and his knowledge of what the children are up to at school. I have asked the kids what they think about this and they have said that they don't want him to know. I suppose he can just ask to see the teachers etc and get this info from them?
I am also sorting out a Will and I have asked the children about guardians and they both said they do not want their Dad to look after them should anything happen to me. They did come up with a couple of names so that was encouraging! Now I just have to approach them (one is my Dad - no prob there, the others are best friends of mine). So we've had some interesting conversations recently, alongside the normal teenage behaviour!
Hi Aunt Flo nice to see you back
Thanks for the update, i glad your enjoying your course, how long is the course?
It's good that your children come to you with the messages, its a testament to what a great mum you are, as for your ex approaching the school if he has parental responsibility then he can contact them and ask to get reports etc about their progress.
Great idea to sort your will, how do you think your friends will respond to being asked to be guardians?
Hi from me too Aunt Flo! Nice to 'see' you!
It sounds as though everything has settled right down into a comfortable routine and everyone in your little family is happy, that is great!
Also good to hear that you are getting the CSA money too.
It is such a shame when relationships fall apart, families/children have to see some ugly things and it takes a while to heal from it all, but it really sounds as though you are all moving forward.
High five to you!
Thank you Anna and Sally W for your lovely comments.
The course is an Access one which runs from Feb - Sept, then (fingers crossed) I am going to do a degree in French and Spanish. I should finish when my youngest is hopefully doing her A'Levels so it may a good time for change for us all. The aim is to change career path and get a better job, and one I love! It's going to be a challenge but I really want to do it now.
I hope my friends are agreeable to being guardians - it is a big ask. I also have to sort out the mortgage because it's currently a joint tenancy and I've been advised I need to get it changed to 'tenants in common'. The life insurance also has to be sorted out, so lots to get on with.
I assume my ex has parental responsiblity, without meaning to sound stupid, how would I know if he hasn't? We weren't married (thank goodness).
Hi Aunt Flo
Your degree sounds interesting, what career are you pursuing?
It sounds as though you have had some good advice with regards to your tenancy, life insurance etc, have you written a list so that when these things are dealt with you can cross them off with a smile?
Read this article about Parental Responsibility, it now depends on when your child/children were born.
Thanks Anna, I will draft up that list. I don't think my ex has parental responsibility as both kids were born before 2003 and we aren't married.
I have a couple of concerns at the moment regarding mediation. I have recently been contacted by a local service (orchestrated by my ex) asking if I would be willing to have an initial chat with them about the lack of contact the children have with their Dad. He thinks I have alienated them from him, even though the school counsellor has spoken to the children and they have confirmed that they do not want contact at the moment. The counsellor has passed this information on to my ex. It appears that he doesn’t believe her either and wants the children to speak to a mediator. I don’t think they will want to do this as they have already confided in a third party.
He also wants his money out of the house, which is not a great deal. I would love to pay him off but I can’t get a mortgage on my own as my income is too low. He hasn’t paid anything towards the mortgage or household expenses since he left.
I told the mediator over the phone that I had sought legal advice (from the legal expert on here and through a solicitor) and had been told that a court would be unlikely to force the sale of the family home just because my ex wants his share and that he would have to wait until my eldest has finished full time education, or until I am in such a position to buy him out. The mediator was all pompous and said I should double check as my ex could take me to court and this could force the sale.
I will check this out again, but her whole approach was ‘funny’ and I already have my doubts about meeting with her. The mediator also mentioned that if my ex wanted to take court action then he had to show he’d attempted mediation. I haven’t got the money for mediation and I can’t see how my ex has, let alone court action. I’ve read that my ex might be able to get legal aid, but I think that is just for the mediation not court action. I'm wondering if he is just playing mind games.
Not sure what to do really. Has anyone got any pointers? J
Hi Aunt Flo
I'm pretty sure that if you have been in an abusive relationship you don't have to partake in mediation, you can check this with the Legal Expert not sure if he can force the children to do it either as once they are of a certain age their feelings are taken into consideration, so worth checking out in both instances.
I can't really say much regarding the house/mortgage as i have seen it go both way's, i think it depends on the judge you get and what his recommendations are. Here is a website for Citizens Advice Bureau it has information on relationship breakdown and Housing issues it should have links to other services that you can get help from.
Thanks Sally.
I've emailed the legal expert. I've also googled the mediator and discovered she works for the local authority and she specialises in family group conferences - a family mediator. I'm going to meet with her and also take a friend with me to take notes and ensure I don't forget to say key things. My objective is to be factual (try not to sit there shaking and getting upset!), honest and give examples of my ex's behaviour towards the children and myself. I still feel quite unnerved by it though. Obviously my ex has spent a few hours sobbing to the mediator about how awful I am and that his children are being brainwashed by me. I think he knows how much they fear him, how much I fear him and he's loving that control......... I can't see how he would be able to afford the court process, but all the same it is important for me to be able to show I willingly entered mediation, whether it works or doesn't.
I have established that my ex doesn't have Parental Responsibility for the children but he might apply for it. The bottom line is that he is acusing me of parent alienation, is taking no reponsibility for his behaviour and will always blame me because it's easier than facing personal rejection.
Anyway, the meeting is next week so I will keep you posted on how it went. Thank you for your ongoing support.
ps. I know it's late - my daughter is having a sleepover so there's no point going to bed until they settle!! Roll on the morning.
Good morning Aunt Flo, how did the sleep over go? Are they still in bed or have they gone home? I hope you managed a good nights sleep :)
Thanks for the update on mediation. It sounds as though you are feeling more in control of the situation. It is a good idea to take a friend, have notes and be factual. It is natural that you will be feeling unnerved after what he has/is putting you through, but you are doing all the rights things.
When giving example's of his behaviour towards the children, remember to include how every incident has affected them specifically. You could at this point also explain how you have supported them with this. (showing that you are not alienating him).
Wishing you the best of luck, we are all behind you. :)
Thank you Anna for the advice and support.
Re the sleep over, I went to bed at 2am and woke up at 4am to hear them giggling! I told them they really needed to sleep now, which they did until 10.30 the next morning! I woke up at 7am as normal - I was shattered later in the day. Her friend stayed until 3pm, fortunately they just chilled out and I was only required to provide food and drink!
I'm drafting a list of examples and will print it off and take it with me. Do you think I should include incidents that were directed at me but were in earshot / in front of the children, in relation to how it impacted them? Or should it just be ones directed at the children? It is hard sometimes (and so painful) to remember them all, a lot of the abuse was incremental if that makes sense, with some major incidents thrown in from year to year.
When you think about it, you think that maybe it wasn't that bad etc etc but when you talk about it people are horrified and that does give you strength. I think because I've not shouted about the abuse people are surprised that the children 'still' don't want to see their Dad, but it's difficult and very painful to talk about. I guess what people think and know isn't that important, the most important thing is that the children are happy and feel safe. My ex is intent on getting the focus back on 'him', this whole mediation thing is not about the kids it's about getting my attention and causing more distress to us all - more abuse!
Sorry, rambling now..........look at the time.
Good morning Aunt Flo, you were up late last night and you hadn't had much sleep before either! I hope you will be able to relax over the long weekend
I think that in the first instance name the incidents that were towards the children directly. Then later mention how they were affected indirectly because of incidents towards you, but again state facts only so the connection is really clear about how his behaviour impacted on them. (You might be interested in haveing a read of this article Single Parent guide for being taken to court by violent ex)
I think you have done a really good job and although it may never feel like it, you do seem to be really prepared for this meeting.
Its incredible isn't it when you start to write it all down and see it in black and white just how many incidents there were and how much you have put up with over the years. I found the same when chronicling my relationship for the police, I spent a long time over it, but even after doing so, I randomly remember other incidents, big and small that I had omitted in the report. We have to minimalise the abuse to ourselves otherwise how would we have coped? But I think it is good to see the horror and enormity for what it is. We can still move on afterwards.
Yes it does seem as though this is just his way of continuing the abuse, but as you say, the most important factor here is the children and hopefully the professionals who are working with you all will see this.
When is the appointment with the mediator?
Hi Anna, yes it was late wasn't it? Off to bed in a mo to catch up. I have my best friend and her family arriving tomorrow for 24hrs so it will be a full on morning. I still haven't decided what to feed them!
Thank you for the advice. The appt is on Tuesday afternoon. To be honest it has been hovering over me all over the holidays which makes me cross with myself for letting it bother me.
I've just been to a mutual friend's house and my ex has left cards and eggs for the children and a bunch of flowers for me. I left them with my friend. There is seriously something wrong with him. A year ago I would have been all "ahh, how sweet", but not now, now I can see him for what he is and what he has put us through.
I'll let you know how I got on after Tuesday. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend too. Happy Easter x
Well done for being able to step back from your ex's behaviour, good to move forward now.
Hope you have a wonderful time with your friends, Aunt Flo. Something not too time-consuming would be good for the food. A huge pan of bolognese? Hot dogs?
Thanks Louise. I went for roast lamb, roast pots, salad and a ‘Save with Jamie’ ritollo (rolled up pasta with a spinach, butternut squash and feta cheese filling) – all went to plan though I wouldn’t make the ritollo again, I thought it was very wishy washy so I was glad I’d done the lamb!!
I went to the mediation assessment mtg and got a friend to come along for support. I’m glad I did as there were two of them and they were 30mins late! Anyway, it went ok. I was shattered afterwards but managed not to wobble during the meeting.
They want me to ask the children if they would like to speak to an independent person about how they feel about their Dad. They said that if the kids don’t want to that’s fine but there is no guarantee that my ex won’t apply for contact through the court. If the children do speak to them and they still don’t want to see him then the mediators will feed this back to my ex and he apparently has said he’ll accept that. For how long though……
I’m going to speak to the children next week when I have worked out how to phrase it. I don’t want to scare them or pressure them in anyway.
I was asked to consider whether I would like to enter mediation with my ex to discuss finances and the house – I thought about this afterwards and said I would like to see in writing exactly what my ex wants to discuss. I’m trying to be as open as possible, but wouldn’t sit in a room with him as I don’t want to hear all his charming rubbish – the mediator can filter that out for me! They told me that my ex is paying for the mediation. I said I didn’t understand how he could afford to take me to court and they said “oh, it’s not as much as you think, about £180 for the application and he can represent himself”. This may be true, but everything I’ve heard or read implies the court costs are more expensive than that.
Feeling a bit lighter about it, but still have niggles about the mediators. The lady reckoned she’d dealt with loads of abusive cases, but it didn’t come across like that. They are supposed to be impartial but they came to the table with odd comments, it was like they took everything he’d said as red (perhaps because he is paying?!). I think they realised at the end that I did not consider my ex to be a rational adult and that the priority for me was that the children were happy and felt safe. I left them with some written examples of when my ex has been abusive to the children which, if they read them, are pretty hard hitting.
We are away visiting my brother and his family this weekend so we’re all excited about that as we haven’t seen them since last Sept. I’m especially looking forward to someone else cooking – yippeeeeee.
Hi Aunt Flo, thanks for the update, I have to say your lamb and ritollo has my mouth watering.
The mediation session sounds like it went as well as it could. Presumably he has mentioned the parental alienation and that is why they are suggesting that the children get the chance to speak to an independant person.
I hope you have a super time with your brother and his family so that you can relax and enjoy the weekend.
Hi there, I am a new member!
I didn't relise that this support was out there for single parents. I have a 4year old son who has just recently been diagnosed with a social communication disorder, and working diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I am elated to see a forum where parents can come together and discuss parental concerns.
My son is going through a period of severe attachment towards me and is refusing to see his dad. He refused to go to his house when he came to collect him last week, he got quite physical with his dad and hid under the table. I am worried as he seems to be pulling away from his father. We have been seperated for nearly 4 years so I am baffled as to where this sudden resistence has come from. Is there any advice out there?
Hello Annaliese and welcome along. On the face of it, it oes seem strange that your son is suddenly reluctant to go to dad's when he has been happy thus far. I think it may be one of two things going on and you will have to do a bit of detective work.
It could be that something has happened at dad's that made him feel uncomfortable but I am guessing you have already tried to get to the bottom of that one. I would be more inclined to think it is because of his recent diagnosis. of course he cannot understand the big words but from his point of vew he has seen different medical people and maybe just feels a bit "unsafe" generally and therefore sticks to the person he knows always keeps him right (ie you)
What's your relationship like with dad, I mean could his dad come to your house and play with him while you are there, to build his confidence again?
Hi Louise, thanks for your response.
Unfortunately mine and his dads relationship is strained and this is generally down to his new partner. I am certain that he wouldnt come over to play with my son at mine. He has not been supportive about the diagnosis and in his words doesn't believe in autism! My son has said previously that daddy tells him off a lot and that him and his partner argue but when I approach his father he says its not true! I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Yes you are, but your main priority has to be your son and you will just have to tell his dad that if he is not prepared to be more understanding about his son's condition then things are not going to go well. Maybe his dad needs to have better knowledge about your son's issues, and you could give him any addresses of helpful websites you have found or suggest he contacts the doctors involved. Maybe given a little time things will settle down but really the onus is on his dad to make things work.
I've tried to encourage him to read into things and given him various insight into the processes we are going through but he isn't interested. He has little to do with my sons school, so I guess this is the same. I want to do the best thing for my boy.
Of course you do, that's all to your credit. However, we cannot make another person do something, we can only give them the opportunity to do the right thing, a bit like the old saying "you can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink" It is infuriating when we see the other parent letting our child down but we are limited as to what to do about it.
Are you getting any other support around your son's diagnosis, is there a local support group for example? You might also like to have a look at this site (click)
Hi Annaliese! Does your son see his dad every weekend? Did he see him this weekend?
Hi Aunt Flo, this is a trickey situation, your son is old enough to make the decision for himself weither or not he wants to have contact with his dad and it is unfair of dad to be pressuring him like that, though i can understand it from his point of view too he wants to have that relationship with his son, i am wondering if he is finding it difficult relating to your son one on one, what do you think?
I can also understand you not wanting to put yourself in a position where your ex can be abusive towards you, unfortunately you can't control how your ex may respond to information but you can do something about how you let it affect you.
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