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Hi all,
I am in need of some advice, i have a 5 year old son whom has not had contact with his father for over 3 years, he saw him only a handful of times for the first few years of his life then decided he couldnt be bothered to see him as he got himself a new girlfriend, i havent had any contact with him and my child believes that my current partner whom i got with when my son was still a baby believes that he is his actual daddy, we've not had any support whatsoever from his biological father, his name is not on his birth certificate either. He has since today in fact sent me an email saying he now wants contact, could anyone tell me if he has any rights to see him, he let us down so many times before we are worried he will screw his head up. Please help!! thank you
Hello power123. This is a really awkward situation for you. Why does the father now want contact? If he is going to flit in and out of your son's life then it isn't fair on your little boy. Like Louise says though, your son does have a right. Saying that, I would loathe it if my son's sperm doner made any contact, and I wouldn't know how to deal with it. I've always been honest with my son, so hopefully if it did happen, it wouldn't be so much of an ordeal. Your 5 year old on the other hand believes your partner to be his 'real' Daddy, and I don't know what to suggest on this one. One day of course, he does have to know the truth. I think if I were you, I would wait on another e.mail or something before deciding what your next step should be.
Please keep posting and let us know how it goes.
Thank you both of you for your advice, ive emailed him back explaining that i think it would confuse him and am wondering why now, the last few times he saw him, he either didnt bother to turn up or answer his phone, his normal reason is that hes got himself a new girlfriend, we do have every intention of telling him when he was a bit older to understand and thought that we would leave it upto him if he wanted to try and contact him and support him if he did. Louise your comment about him being a drug user,. from my belief he does smoke cannabis and from what i understand he has/does take other class a drugs aswell but i dont have any proof of this, it is only through the grapevine that i have been told, i have decided to see a solicitor and see what action i need to take. I really feel for my poor boy i just cant have him being upset and messing with his head at this stage of his life, if however as you say that he does have visitation rights then i will have to go down that road, unfortunately i think he will let him down again, do you think that once i have seeked legal advice and if i am advised to let him see him that if he screws it up yet again that i would still have to give him the rights or would that be taken away from him.
Thank you again.
Hi power 123, I really feel for you and agree that it is worrying about the effect on your boy. You asked about whether if the father lets him down again he would still be allowed parenting time. If a court order is made about contact then the only thing that can overturn that is another court order. The point I was trying to make was that by going along with things a bit now, it need not go to court and therefore if the father lets him down, you could decide "no more"....and maybe then he would have to go to court to get an actual order, but his track record would then be against him. Do keep notes and dates of all contact so that of you were asked, say, in a year's time how often the father had seen your son, you could answer that.
You're right, a solicitor is a good next port of call. If you have not one already, click here to see advisers in your area
Hi Power123,
I really feel for you its a extremely difficult situation. Its hard to understand why this man would want to come back in his life now after all this time, 3 years is a long time and a lot can happen and people can change but weather he can do right by your son now is something you may need to consider. The only reason i say this is because my ex left me when i fell pregnant he met someone else the same week and made my life hell, we worked in the same place and he walked past be every day like i wasnt there text me horrible text i wouldn't dare repeat on this site and even demanded a DNA test which wasnt done till his son was 8weeks old because he spent to money on a holiday with his girlfriend. Over the last 4months his attitude has completely changed and he wants to be there for his son, he comes to see him once a week and has always shown up. although he doesnt support his son there has been a massive change in such a short space of time.
Every situation is different and if he is drug taking i would be really concerned for your sons safety. I really hope all things work out for you and your family just remember you know whats best for your children and if your think legal advice is the way to go then fight! I would :)
Hi power123
Have you heard back from your ex since you sent the email?
I completely understand your reaction, however playing devils advocate, perhaps your ex has grown up and matured and now recognises his responsibilities, have you asked him what his intentions are?
Hello power 123
This is a difficult situation. You say that the biological father is not named on the birth certificate. This means that he does not have what is called "parental responsibility" for your son; it is a different thing to the fact of him being the biological father.
I agree with you that it will be confusing for your son suddenly to meet his dad. However, the far end of it is that this man COULD take a court case and unless there were strong mitigating circumstances (such as he is violent or a drug user) then it is probable that this would be granted.
One thing you could do is to reply to him and say you understand that he would like a relationship with his son but as he has not seen him for three years and has had a parental relationship with your new partner, you would like this to be handled in a sensitive way. You could say that you both need to work out a sensible plan, with or without the help of a mediator (find a local one here). If he starts jumping up and down and talking about his "rights" then you can say that in law the rights are on the side of the child, not the parent and you just want to make things Ok for your son as it would be upsetting for him to come back into his life, and then disappear again. If he threatens legal action, you could say that your understanding is that most family courts would ask parents to go to mediation anyway and so that something the two of you could do.
I imagine what you would really like to happen is for him to go away and not bother you or your son but it is your son's right to have a chance at a relationship with this man, however galling that may be to the parent who has been there 24/7 doing all the graft!
Hope this helps