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hi
My boy is currently with his father for the weekend and already i find it is winding me up!
my sons father goes between 4 to 9 weeks without having his son and when he does have him spends very little time one on one with him. to his father, taking him round several friends houses each day and invovlving his girlfriend is where his priorities are. i feel he treats him more like a trophy.
yet when our son is with me, all i hear is that he misses him, he wishes he lived closer, he jealous of the bond my son and i have. I point out to him if he was consistant with him and spent one on one time with him he could achieve this, but his advice falls on deaf ears.
i feel for my son for not having the father i want for him and guilty each time i send him knowing he will not be treated the way he deserves and also knowing four nights is too long and that he misses his mum
feeling like im stuck between a rock and a hard place as to what to do and that it is my son being punished as well as my mind, advice gratefully recieved!
Hi new venture
Gem has given you some great suggestions and especially her memories of being a child with similar contact patterns with her dad as the ones your son has with his.
The biggest thing to say here is... YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. Your son's dad is what he is and like it or not, you will not change him. I think you sort of know this and that is one of the things that is making you anxious. I see that your son is quite small and when an official "body" suggests contact patterns for this age group, they would tend to say little and often and certainly not that length of time away from their home and their main caregiver. How do you think your ex would react if you suggested that he saw his son more often but for less time...you could say that this is in response to his desire for a greater bond with his son. If he agreed then at least that would reduce the length of the visits and you could then sit back and see what happens re the frequency. It would be fantastic if this meant more frequent contact....but if it doesn't, at least you have cut down the visits. As your boy gets older he may go away for, say, a week's holiday with his dad but at the moment that is too much for him.
As for your son missing you while he is away, one thing I have found to be effective is for the child to have a "magic moment" perhaps in the morning or at bedtime, he could take something that smells of your perfume such as a scarf and you could make an agreement that every morning and every bedtime you will think of each other and say I love you, and look forward to seeing each other
Thankyou Louise and Gem,
i do know i cant change him and thats where my own guilt enters into the equation. What you wrote GEM I found really valuable and could relate to most of what you said.
my son is almost 3 and his dad already fills him with promoises of what he is going to do with him, this time it was promises to see santa at Harrods which changed to no trip to santa at all. I know at this age my son wont mind but im aware how it will impact in the future.
His father is a 1hr40min train journey away, though never an issue pre baby it is the largest excuse he has for such little contact and wanting him for 4 nights, and I cant help but feel pressured into letting him go. my son has an uncle and a grandmother who adore him (probably more than his father) which I view as huge positives in his life and I would like for him to maintain those relationships so have to let him go.
I have tried numerous times to try agree with his father consistant contact, be it in person or on skype, but Im told 'he doesnt know what he'll be doing' in suggesting he move closer his response... he cant cos he'll have to leave his friends and what about his football season ticket??!! and then suggested I move into his mums house so i can care for his mum and raise his son!!! A defiant NO was my immediate response!
I guess I already know the answers to all my concerns and I am thankful for this site to give me the oppurtunity to 'sound off' and seek support in those pressured moments and hearing situations close to my own reminds me I'm not the only one experiencing this, so thanks once again
That was rather cheeky of him to suggest that you move in and look after his mum new venture, finding others that shared simialar experiences and knowing i was not the only one was something that helped me to when mine were little.
Is your son back home with you now?
Thanks Sally, yes I was shocked he dare even ask!
My son is back with me now, refusing to sleep in his own bed, not sure whether all or parts are true but he said he cried for me in his bed at daddys. I asked him what daddy did and he said 'nothing but Grandma said its ok M, 2 more nights'.
Cant see him asking for him again now until his birthday end of Feb, but think I need to be more assertive and say 3 nights no more... then prepare for the abuse... the joys!
It's worth trying to get less nights away. I also like Louise's suggestion of a having a "magic moment" my 13 year old will still get one of my scarfs if i'm not around and she needs to feel close to me. It may help your son to.
When I was a baby and my parents split up, my father suggested my Mum not work and look after his new GFs 2 kids while she went out to work instead!
Up until now I hadn't heard anything as cheeky as that :-)
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Hi new venture
iI'm so sorry to hear this - it sounds like a really tough situation.
How old is your son? if he's old enough perhaps you can involve him in the discussion of how long he should go for? If he's very young maybe the Dad will have to come to him instead and stay overnight in a cheap hotel?
One thing which we all have to get our head round at some point (I haven't quite managed it yet!) is we can't change the way our kid's other parent behaves.
It's good you've tried to help him to have a better relationship with your son, but the fact it is falling on deaf ears means he is not in a place to do anything about it.
My ex repeatedly behaves in a way I find unacceptable and I used to think I just needed to explain it differently. Not so! He is dysfunctional in the way he is that is unique to him, and he can't implement anything I suggest (or he won't because he is passive agressive).
I now focus on dealing with the aftermath for my kids and minimising issues where I can (so in your case, clearly 4 days is too long - I would work on that because that is something tangible you can fix).
For example, my ex often tells them they'll be doing A. B and C and they end up doing much crappier option D. If I see them getting excited about A, B or C I always try and gently remind them things don't always work out.
I can understand how it's so fraustrating and upsetting to see him putting everything and everyone else above his son - especially as he seems him so rarely!
I had this with my own father. He was supposed to see me every 3 weeks for two days and one night. He regularly missed weeks and then when I did see him he left me with his parents, his wife, his in-laws etc.
I was always fed and looked after in that way. My father would do things like take me for a 2 hour riding lesson/hack (I was horse mad and my Mum couldn't afford it of course) but even though he rode himself he never stayed to watch or join in. I vividly remember wanting him to be there watching.
In a wierd sort of way it made me quite resilient and I did just get along with all different types of people and in all scenarios, so as my friend pointed out to me a couple of years ago, it's helped build my character to what it is today.
That said I don't think I was half as affected than my son is by his father so maybe sons of absent fathers feel it more?
I feel for you wanting a better father for him but this is the one he has. It sucks but at least he has you who is a fab Mum! I would focus on your relationship with him and minimise his father altogether. Try and cut his access right down and get it formalised (e.g. first weekend of every month).
The father has a choice. If he wants to he can move nearer. It may be a hard choice because of work/life/GF whatever. but it's still a choice.
He can also chose to spend more time with his son one on one. He doesn't or he can't. It might be that for him to be able to cope and be a decent caregiver he actually needs less contact. Maybe by the end of day 1 he's reached his reserves? Especially if he's immature and can't cope with the normal demands of a child.
I've just read this back and I can see it's not particularly helpful but I just wanted to write something because I know how it feels when they're away and you're worrying about them.
There are lots of lovely people on here who will help you more I'm sure.
Lots of love
Gem
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