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Have any of you 'provided' yous children with a step father - or are you a step father yourself in which case any insights appreciated. My boyfriend (been together 3 and a half years, lived together one year of that) seems to have no relationship worth speaking of with my two daughters (9 & 12). They are lovely girls - popular, high acheiving and emotionally well-sorted. They've never said anything remotely approaching 'you can't tell me what to do - you're not my real dad.' But my partner seems to have no interest in what they're up to, what they think about anything or what they've acheived. All he does it criticise. He'll give them material things but that's it. I've tackled him over it and told him it makes me upset but his stock response is that they're girls therefore he doesn't understand them. Anyone else any relevant experiences or insights? Fi x
I am a stepfather to 4 (now all grown up) 2 girls and 2 boys, the girls were older than the boys, but still I made every effort to treat them as I would a child of my own. even now me and their mother have since split they still call me Dad and their children call me Grandad
Hi Fi, that sounds really difficult, i met my partner 5 years ago and we got together 3 years ago. He calls my daughter his daughter and competely takes on the role of her father, even though they are different races, he firmly believes that she is his! I love it, but there did come a point where he was saying things to her that i didn't agree with, we had a massive falling out and now, he leaves all the parenty stuff to me, but suppports her and loves her and backs me on whatever i say. I think it is a cop out saying that they are girls so he doesn't understand them, he is in an extremely privileged position to be allowed to share in the closeness of raising children, let alone daughters.
Hi Fi, Suekatz came up with a good thought, about taking the role/title of step parent away, maybe he doesn't need to be that, maybe he can be your boyfriend, who they grow to love and respect. Parenting is the hardest job in the world without any rule books, maybe he feels uncomfortable in that role? There are many parenting programmes around the country that you could visit together if he was interested. Find out what relationship he wants with your girls, you can only go from there, let us know how it goes.
X hated the 'step' and wanted to be Dad to my eldest two girls. He resented my first husband and the girls weren't allowed to talk about him. It was as though we all had to pretend he didn't exsist. He told them off if he saw fit, but yet, I was not allowed to tell his boys off if they needed it. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion on their upbringing.The boys never called me stepmum but I was expected to do everything a mum would do, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, washing, drying and even mending their clothes etc, etc. I was expected to cook them a meal if they turned up unexpected on an evening I was working, with not enough time to prepare anything. I never had a card on mothers day for the eleven years we were together. I wasn't stepmum, I was the family servant. X also had older grown up children, who I wouldn't have expected to be stepmum to. He always put the feelings of all of his children before my own. I always felt that this should be right. Until it came to totally neglecting my feelings and never standing up for me. My children (including my youngest daughter, his daughter) were not invited to his eldest sons wedding. His eldest son refused to accept our daughter as his sister and didn't want to be embarassed in front of his ILs and friends. X never tried to understand how I felt until about a week ago when I pointed out that the girls were missing from the wedding photos, and light suddenly seemed to dawn on him... too late. I wasn't even allowed to hold his grandchildren when they were born.
Hopefully someone can shed some light on this matter..where i stand legally & consiously.
My profile tells about the previous relationship i had..22 years..17 years marriage..3 children..this relates to one of the children from that relationship..the youngest one..who will be 16 next month.
At the time she was concieved my ex & I were on a trial separation..her choice not mine..lots of things that she wasn't happy with..feeling we needed time apart to find ourselves..we separated in Feb 1996.
A few months later there was a burglary at her house..i was at work..in London..she phoned me..i left work & went straight around to her house..the police had been & gone..the kitchen window was being boarded up..She was shaken up by the event..nervous & scared in case they came back..I offered to stay over until the house was secure..which was about 3 days..During that time we had sexual relations..A few months later she announced she was preganant..Later that year..we sat down to discuss where the relationship was heading..i moved back in. we were then together for another 8 years.
The relationship broke down in 2003..because i found out about her affair & love for another man..loving him more than me..wanting a life with him..not me..I moved out the following year..having found a place to live..big enough so the kids would have their own space/rooms..when they came to stay with me.
At the time the marriage broke down..we created a separation agreement between ourselves..with her not going through the CSA..the maintenance payments based on their guidleines..which i paid regularly..at times i couldn't pay as much..once due to a change of shifts at work..which mean't a drop in salary..but she agreed to a drop in the payments..then redundancy..& periods of unemployment or very low pay..mean't at times i couldn't make any payment.Part of the reason she didn't go through the CSA..was because she didn't want me to divorce her on the grounds of adultery..so agreed to her wishes..she started divorce proceedings 2 years later..on the grounds of irreconcirabel differences.
Then in 2011 something happened..i had a police PNC check done..they asked about various properties i had lived at & events that had happened..including the burglary..i then realised something wasn't right..from the date of the burglary..to my daughters date of birth..worked out to 43 weeks..My ex had decided not to have a natural birth with our third child..& from the moment she found out she was pregnant..wanted a C Section.
Last week i recieved a letter & form through the post..from the CSA..she was applying for maintence payments for our youngest daughter..So i e-mailed asking for information..the date our daughter was concieved & the date of the burglary..Not being with her when she saw the midwife..our daughters birth being based on the gestation period..she admitted in a reply the midwife based it on 38 weeks.
Legally..what rights does she have..to claim money off me..which she has done for a number of years..all the time knowing she was never my daughter.
Consiously..I have always considered her as mine..for 14/15 years..i still consider her as my daughter..have always loved her & still love her..as any father would..I would never want her to know the truth..because of what it would do to her..she would be deeply hurt.
I don't like to think what my ex may do though..with me now knowing the truth..maybe saying i have no rights..as a father..therfore not being able to see her & be a father to her anymore..She has tried that in the past..saying the kids didn't want to see me or spend time with..the truth being they didn't say that..well at least the youngest 2 didn't..it was only my eldest who felt that way.
Also..i now believe the burglary was a put up job..staged..something she told me at the time..which i really didn't pay much attention to..the police told her the burglar had taken the pieces of glass out of the window frame & placed them neatly on the pation wall..I know the house i lved there..the patio wall is between 15/20 feet from the kitchen window..why would a burglar waste so much time & effort..surely he would have wanted to get in & out as soon as possible.
Hello starfire1712
This all sounds really confusing for you. what you are saying is you doubt VERY strongly that your daughter is your biological child, but to prove or disprove otherwise would mean a DNA test, ie with your daughter's consent once she is 16 and depending on what situation you are all in, you are worried about your ex stopping contact. Your daughter can at 16 choose whether to see you or not. But the most important thing is none of these, nor even the money...what matters is your daughter's feelings. You need to think very carefully about things, you may want to take legal advice, but to me it is more about what you think would be Ok for your daughter
At the moment..all i've done is question my ex..with regards to what i found out..which she confirmed in writing..i have contacted the CSA to dispute the claim..i'm just waiting for a call back from them..to discuss it..If they want to see the e-mail conversation..they can..i'll forward it to them.
It would then be up to my ex..not me..whether to continue with the claim..which would mean her wanting to prove i am our daughters biological father..which she would know..a DNA test would prove the opposite..no point..as far as i can see..with putting our daughter through that.
I personally..wouldn't want her to know the truth & wouldn't tell her..i hope my ex would feel the same..it would have a big effect on her relationship..not only fooling me for all these years..but our daughter as well..
Gosh what a shock for you starfire1712, I guess the ball is in her court whether she tells your daughter or not.
Have you seen your girl since all of this?
No..i haven't seen her since last year..but not because of this situation..That was to do with the divorce..her paying the court fees to get it finalised..Even though she started proceedings in 2006..she got legal aid..because her low wage..i gave her the money to cover the court fees..
I sent her an e-mail in 2010..asking when she was going to sort it..as in pay the fees..she said she'd do it in the new year.
Last year i sent another e-mail..asking her to get it sorted..that i'd give her a few weeks to do it..if not..i'd start new proceedings..i was unemployed & on benefits at that time..i wouldn't have had to pay anything.
Next..i get a text message from my youngest..angry with me for upsetting her mum..because she told them i was blackmailing her..threatening to tell the kids the real reason for the marriage breakdown..if she didn't get the divorce sorted.
My son then rang me..he was a bit more civil..wanted to know what was going on..listen to what i had to say..i told him to read the e-mail..it said nothing about telling them..anything..i could hear my ex in the background saying "he thinks i was having an affair".
She was & she did..quite a few family members & friends knew about it before i did..in fact..a mutual friend..who she went out drinking with each week..confirmed what i already knew..when i showed her the e-mails i'd found..apparently that's all she used to talk about when they met up..how she felt about him..her plans for the future with him.
It's hard to keep going when you feel you are being misrepresented, but it sounds as if your relationship with the children will not be damaged in the longer term if you try not to involve them and keep the lines of communication open (I know it is her that is involving them, not you!)
Hi there
I've lived with my partner for many years but he has never been a step-father to my children . He has become over the years however a very dear friend to them who they have grown to love.
Your partner doesn't sound like a step--parent but does he need to be called that? It's a very great responsibility - maybe he is frightened of this.
If this responsibility was taken off him could he over time become their friend - especially to such lovely children. (You sound a great mother)