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I understand what you are saying, its just if you don't tell them things, it can backfire against you, as then they will say you have lied, protected him, or other things, you see. You really need them on your side, and let them know you are protecting your kids and that your kids are the most important and that you do everything you can in their best interest. Maybe then they back off a little ? when is your next Court date already ? what kind of hearing is it ? I so hope your kids can come off that plan...
yes, that cannot feel really good as then they will decide most things for your kids and you are just a bystander almost I feel for you this should not happen as you have made all the right decisions
That's why I don't get it? I'm away now so why the plan still? They said nothing's changed but I'm not in conflict with him except threats/ one occasion of bruises but kids are far from him so am I ?
It's a residency hearing at end of month
I think my kids will be on plan for a while but I hopes they won't be
Yes that is very strange, how does visiting work ? Do you still need to hand them over or are SW taking care of that ? They should really...Maybe if they see after a few months that all is ok now and you are all safe, they will change it ? I really hope so for you, if he still makes threats and made then that is not your fault as you have to accomodate visiting ? That is their fault then
I will keep my fingers crossed for you i so hope it will be over soon xx
its not my fault I'm stuck in a place he has threatens to r**e k*ll and burry me in foundations hes dug ready I feel strange by this scared but weird maybe it calm to know at least I don't know
Hi She Ra, what a tough situation, I don't know how you manage to sound so together in all this! Did you have to prepare for the residency hearing? And have you had any legal advice about it? There's lots of information on the web, stuff like this document from rightforwomen.org There are some legal advisers who also offer free consultations on this, have you used any of them? We do have a legal adviser here on the site as well but the end of the month is really close now. The guys at onlymums.org.uk also have law information and they might be able to help you
When are you next seeing the SW? It sounds like this is the last thing you want to do now, but make sure you really give the SW lots of information and that they know all you have done to keep the children safe. It might not look like it after this long struggle, but they are your best bet for now...
Thanks for the links, I have a solicitor who is very good x
SW pops up when she likes huu like yesterday unannounced she doesn't let me know when she's coming so far, shes just took over now as a new area she turned up at six o clock yesterday ;/
oh, that's just plain wrong! I see what you mean about taking over your life! Hang on in there She ra, not long now, once you are through you can just take your life back! Just remind yourself that it is worth it, even if you have to be civil to a SW who turns up unannounced at six o'clock!
Poor you, how bad is that? I so hope that when the residency hearing is over, they will slowly get out of your life....
Sergiosed is right She Ra rightforwomen.org can explain a lot what is behind the residency hearing and how you can prepare for that, you really need to be prepared for it and even though you believe you have a really good solicitor, it is still so important to understand and be prepared beforehand, otherwise it feels like you are running behind the facts and everything has happened to you rather than you taking control in your own hand. By experience I know, that when an ex all of sudden tells some untruth about you, many times a solicitor is not so prepared and lets it slide. It is you that has to be able to instruct what to say.....Just phone rightsfor women as a back up ?
Stay strong xx
hi Skyflower I don't think they will ever be out my life it goes on forever got told by solicitor today she wasn't happy I didn't tell her I went to see him when I was in refuge, refuge photos my bruises I thought I could sort it 'again' eh will I ever learn and SW called my solicitor today sigh so it goes on and on, solicitor said its time I started trusting her shes right isn't she?
i don't get why SW and refuge manager both said I'm a typical abuse victim and other said I'spa batterd wife something wtf is that ment to mean I feel like I have a label on me head ;-0 don't like that one bit grrrr
I feel I was out of order posting this
Yes, she is right She Ra, it is your only option right now, to work with her.
The battered wife syndrome, defense laywers used this to explain the woman could not leave the relationship due to "learned helplessness", nor could the woman fight back when attacked. Often they repeat cycles of violence and reconcilliation which would explain why you go back despite of what he has done. It is not to lable you, but to try to make sense of why you go back.
Although they are not happy with what you did, as it can damage your case, they are still trying to work with you and wanting to help you. By labelling it the judge might find it more understandable.
You are right about the workmen, they should not be there, though sometimes in certain jobs there are only men, maybe you should have some friends around you when they are there....you will have to take your time to get over it, unfortunately there is no magic wand for it, but we are all here for you
Why are they only men fm for these jobs I don't get things sits all confusing right now
the judge hates me he said last time rape can only be proved if theres a photographer their Orr a third party ;0
so what's the point of AA court hearing ahhh I feel f**ked up
Not happy ;( confused dont know who to trust people's all over grrrrr
She Ra it is near the end now, and you can do this....prepare yourself for the hearing as this may finally be the last one, I so hope this for you, but you need to be calm and prepared.
And not going back to him. Show you will do everything you can to keep your children safe. Going to see him is not keeping your children safe. So show that it was a one off. If the judge is already saying things like that, it is even more important to show him you will do everything in the best interest of your children. SW will help you, but not if you keep damaging your own case. Be strong, you can do this
threats are coming thick and fast its shit
He does not know where you are right now does he ? Are you in direct danger then phone police....keep your doors and windows locked at all times and keep your phone near you.
keep all evidence of it and show SW and the solicitor, that also shows you want to work with them. This can only work in your favour.....
Hello SheRa, Skyflower is right, he does not know where you are, and if he does then you need to call the police. In any case, keep a record of any threats. I agree it is horrid to feel there is a label on you but as Skyflower says, it is just to explain the repeated cycles of abuse and the difficulty you had in escaping, it is just the same as if a doctor said you had the measles...that would explain the symptoms.
Work with your solicitor and SW now and there WILL be an end to all this.
I understand what your saying x thankyou x
Glad you feel better She Ra and just go for it now, do as Louise says and it will be over
Hey She Ra you have been so quiet but you said there would be a residence hearing the end of this month......has that happened yet or is it still to come and how are you now ?
Hay... We had the fact finding hearing where he had two aligns toons found agenst him the rest were not proven not enough evidence, we are back in nov and final hearing after Christmas.
i hit the floor after court iv been so terrified he left court very angry but I'm feeling better now, got loads of support too now.
Also the judge told my ex where I am not my address but the area, we put a complaint in and he stepped down and we got a new judge, this is where my fears coming in if he turns up here then jeeze i don't know
things are looking up and we have a whole fresh start now.
not sure how I can pay my rent on my old house theres still stuff there I need to get but I am not allowed to return to the house, my solicitor said under no circumstances must I go I'm stuck with this?
i just have to get to meet people now and make friends and the kids too, I could do with a volanter job x
Great to hear from you She Ra, sounds like the end is looking closer, i'm glad they changed the judge that let slip your vague whereabouts.
If he does turn up just call the police. It sounds like you are all settling well where you are, glad to hear you have the support you need too!
You can get support with your rent on your other place through the discretionary housing payment. Do you have anyone that can go to your place to get the stuff you need? You could ask the people that are supporting you what the process would be to retrieve your other stuff?
What would you like to do volunteering wise?
Not sure bin used to staying in the house so its very out of my comfort zone so I really don't know, I'm not feeling very confident either I need a kick to make me do it I think ;)
What a lot of things have been happening She Ra, I am so sorry that judge did that and I hope the next judge will be more kind towards your case, how dreadful and scary.
What kind of work have you done before She Ra ? As volunteering is almost everywhere, you can get office work, but also hospitals like to have volunteers or nursing homes, some of them like just to have visitors for the residents or that you bring your little pet to show, schools like reading mums in class ....there are many things out there and it will make you feel better as people welcome your help
well done you for thinking of it
i haven't done any (blush) I trained as a nursery nurse but net him at an early age
It doesn't matter She Ra, there is always something to do everywhere, whether you have worked or not....what about being a reading mum at a school ? or helping out at a hospital ? I am going to do a drawing course which starts the end of September, maybe there is something you like to start ?
There are Moocs studies, small blocks of different subjects that will look good on your CV and will get you back on track and there are other students you can interact with? First Aid for babies and toddlers ? A lot of new people to meet and it is in line with what you did? What about volunteering at a nursery to get back into it ? It is a good opportunity for you and they will appreciate you and can give a good reference for when you do want a job again ?
Hi She Ra, fabulous as always to see you 
You have had your down days, but hopefully you can now see that they pass and there are up days too.
You don't need a kick She Ra, you need some self love and appreciation! Recognise the strength that you have had to draw on to get you this far on your journey.
Have a look at www.do-it.org.uk where you might find something in your local area, one aspect of volunteering is that it can give you confidence. So please think positively and go for it
Thankyou I'm going to see if I can do some thing at children's centre maybe x
everythings coming together lovly the house, kids behaviours just bliss and I'm enjoying doing mummy things again too
one thing that won't go is that horrible urge inside me, that self hate/ guilt ... That Arrrh feeling, I hate me on the inside, feel dirty inside that feeling stops me eating healthy/ taking tables etc
It's all out of my hands my whole life is in hands of other people feels strange ;(