This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi Guys, I am on for a rant am sorry x
For the past week I have been trying to write this stupid statement that I have to submit on friday about my ex's abuse and why i object to him having contact. No matter how positive I am trying to be I just cannot accept why I have to do it, it is making me angry.
Everyone who has read the reports from CAFCASS and Social Services have commented that it is very obvious my ex wont get contact. Even the magistrate told my ex he will NOT go against the word of CAFCASS and the legal advisor at the court pretty much confirmed to mehe will not be getting contact based on the reports - so why do I have to write this statement and testify???!!!
Ever since I was with my ex I have felt let down by the system, from all the forced visits to the GP my ex made me have to "get advice on why I was so selfish in not wanting to have sex with him" and being told over again to "make more effort", to the 9 months of monitoring during my pregnancy because I was desperately underweight and continuously had high blood pressure and nobody asked me 'are you ok? do you need help?' to the countless times the police or probation returned my ex to me after he beat his sons mother up yet again and saw the smashed walls and doors in my home and never once enquired about mine and angels safety. I know I shouldnt be bitter for this but I cant help it I was so desperate back then and I felt nobody saw it. I know I could have spoke out myself and chose not to but I do think there were plenty of signs for somebody to at least ask me a question.
Now even after it has been documented what I have been through and how much my ex loves to do things to cause me suffering, and how badly affected I am with anxiety and depression the 'system' has felt it is appropriate to put me through a trial just so my ex can rip me apart for all to see. Yet the outcome has pretty much been decided so I am doing it for nothing. It feels so unfair and I just cant bring myself to even write this statement because it just feels so pointless and I will get nothing out of it except further anxiety. This whole thing is making me depressed again.
Rant over guys x
Anna thats my other gripe lol I have been waiting to see a psychiatrist since forever, Marac have not made any contact with me yet and womens aid have got in touch either! When things like this take so long it totally dis- heartens me, to the point where I just feel I am on my own on this,once again. I know I could chase them up but it takes energy and motivation I dont have any more - I am just sick of it all and sick of hearing about help I am gonna get that doesnt materialise. (sorry I am Miss Negative today)
littleangel, I understand your frustration, but why don't you look at it as just writing it all down here again? Like having a good rant about it all? Then you get a friend to go over it and take out the ***** words...? ;-) x
Hi littleangel, god I so remember that... feeling so insignificant to everyone and not understanding why.
Today you have 'negative' head on and that is fine and completely understandable. It does seem so wrong that you have to deal with such a 'criminal' all on your own. However please remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you are not insignificant.
Your daughter, your boyfriend, your mum, your friends, neighbours (and their children!!) all value you. Unfortunately unless someone has been in this situation they really have no idea how lonely it is.
So you are waiting to hear from the psychiatrist, Marac and womens aid? Which one would be the most help at this current moment to you? Perhaps just concentrate on contacting one that you think would be the most supportive.
Before doing anything though, make a nice cup of tea and have a biscuit (preferably chocolate) and sit quietly and try to relax. You are a valuable person and deserve the support that you need.
Thanks Guys.
I know what you mean hopeful and I am sure I will get something down eventually its just every time I start I get overwhelmed with frustration at having to do it. I think also I am struggling to articulate what my concerns are both me and cafcass have made refernce to my ex's mental health and probably 50% of my concerns are that I feel my ex is mentally unstable but in court his solicitor made a point that the cafcass officer was unqualified to comment on my ex's mental state and the magistrate accpeted that. The cafcass officer also described my ex's behaviour as 'bizarre' and the magistrate agreed this was not a fair comment. My description of my ex is 'weird' but I know I wont be able to say this and it is so hard to actually explain my concerns about his mental state without sounding 'unfairly judgemental' as his solicitor says.It is this part that leads me to a brick wall each time. The way he acts is so hard to actually describe you have to see it to belive it i think and it scares angel too.
Anna, you summarised it well. I do feel insignificant at the moment. I think I need Women's Aid the most at the moment. They have told me they have referred me to a worker but still waiting. Next on my list is the psychiatrist because I know my depression is about to peak, but I can see my GP on Monday and she can chase that. I have no clue what marac can do for me so not too concerned about that.
I think I will have a long bath (angel has gone to a sleepover) I am not eating (or sleeping) at the moment, which I know is contributing to my mood but cant help it, I am surviving on tea and cigarettes (so much for the nicotine gum I have stashed in the cupboard). Hopefully after the bath I can refocus a bit.
Thanks Guys x
Hi littleangel, I hope you had a lovely bath and you feel slightly refreshed. Please try and have something to eat as it will give you energy and strength to focus on the task ahead. (Scarmbled egg on toast? Pizza from the local supermarket? Soup?) What is your comfort food?
I am glad that littleangel is at a sleepover, you don't need to worry about her for the night, you can focus on yourself.
So, do you have a list of things that you want to add to the statement? Perhaps we can do some kind of mind map. Write down all the incidents that you want to refer to. Then take each one seperately and look at how that can be described in a 'solicitor' friendly way. Because there are always other words for describing things ie: his mental state, can be reworded perhaps to the mixed messages he was sending his daughter or his behaviour unsettled the pair of you. So it is about the impact on you rather than pointing the finger at him?? They can't dispute that then.
Just take one incident or reason for the time being, you don't need to get it all done in one go. Then when you have done it you can sit back and watch a film, or do something that you like doing.
Tomorrow, first thing, have some toast and a cup of tea, then call Womens Aid and find out what is going on there, then at least you will have 2 things to tick off your list.
What do you think?
Anna I love your description for his mental state i will turn it around to how his behaviour effects me and angel instead, really good idea.
I had 3 hours sleep last night which is an improvement, cant face food just yet (but I have never eaten breakfast) . The bad news is my boyf mum was rushed in to hosp last night with a suspected collapsed lung so boyf is a bit stressed now too 
I am going to get angel in an hour so I always perk up a bit when she is around. I will try and get round to ringing womens aid later but am gonna be back and forth to take boyf hospital to see his mum.
Loads of hugs littleangel
I hope today hasn't been too stressful and your boyf's mum is ok.
You really need to keep your energy up littleangel. Please try and eat something nutritional when you do eat.
Have a lovely evening with your little girl and leave your worries behind for the night. 
little Angel I can see how fustrating it is for you and definitely hear you about the help taking so long a year mine took. The psychiatrist i am seeing is a self referral one.
i know what you mean about there mental health. In my statement i wrote it as I was a mother watching what unfolded before me like i was not in the room the effects it had on the children I referred them back to each report given so it highlighted and stood together with what other professionals said
My gp apologised as I was not allowed to attend on my own or speak when in there. he would put my side across or rather his and when i spoke he would nudge me in the leg this was my warning. so i was made out to be worse than i was the thing was you believe it
Please eat well i know its hard but your tiredness and emotions will run on the food you put in trust me I have lost five stone over the stress Yes i did need to lose a little bit of weight but not so fast. I know you feel it is so easy for people to say but I had a eating disorder and i saw how it effected me long term
Laugh as much as possible remember its the best theraphy even if life is difficult I have started to laugh alot more and I chuckle to myself when i see him Someone has given me a image in my head of his latest girlfriend and now when i see him thats all i see I dont show him my laugh just a big grin he mistakes it for me being alot happier and different and Yes all true. think of something that makes you smile is all i am saying your kids a fun time with them hopefully it works
Thanks guys x I have eaten tonight I made a chicken curry (curry is my comfort food) ate as much as I could because when angel is here I always make effort to eat in front of her as i dont want her to have issues with food.
Just had a 2hour nap which has made me feel more 'alive'. Having angel here helps me most I think I was so down yesterday because she wasnt here to cheer my up by just watching her.
Sammie sorry to hear your experiences, i can relate to a lot of what you said. I guess i thought I was over all his s**t years ago, even his threats wash over my head now but its the emotional toll going through court has on you thats the worst.
One thing that I have been thinking is just how my ex has point blank refused to accept responsibility for his behaviour (the violence) and cannot even acknowledge his mind games, emotional abuse and control are not normal. So now i am starting to feel that this is my chance to stand before him and 'show' him (and everyone else) that what i have been through is real - its not in my head it actually happened because part of me thinks even he doesnt believe it did and I myself would then question it. I just want to have the strength to say my story and hold my own completely because I need to show him I am done and I am taking my daughter and getting him out of my life forever!
Its amazing what a curry and two hours kip can do! 
Good for you, little angel
little angel your right the emotions in court are so high your constantly on edge waiting for it to be over.
I do understand your side. My ex has never taken responsibility and do you know what thats there loss. bcause at the end of the day it will eat him up and not you. I remember my eldest getting the blame for something now over time he changes his story. But him changing what he says shows people just naturally what he has been lying about
You are strong But angel needs her mum Strong healthy just remember you are doing this for her. As mothers we show amazing strength remember that
You have done so well a few more hurdles leap and it will be over
Hi littleangel, I am so glad that you eat and slept, it sounds like a positive step forward.
My ex too didn't take any responsibility and I did truly believe that I was weak, fragile and a little bit mental. I now know different! I am a strong intelligent woman who loved too much, 'tis all!
You go girl and tell your story, because everything that you will say will be your truth. :)
Aww littleangel, it is outrageous isn't it. It is such a shame that police officers and other professionals are not trained enough in all the obvious signs of domestic abuse because if they were, they would have picked it up straight away.
Forget your ex whilst writing the statement. Think of it as writing to the Judge about your daughter, rather than something for your ex and his solicitor to pick apart. I think bullet points are a great way to go with this. You may also want to point out that this exercise is another way to abuse you emotionally and mentally and are surprised that it has been allowed.
I know that you have been over and over it time and time again. But hopefully this really will be the last time.
When will you have a meeting with the womens aid worker?