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Hi, I am a single mum of 2 children, daughter 8, son 11 - just started High School. I separated 4 years ago. I do have a good relationship with my ex as does my daughter. My son has issues with not seeing him enough, Dad not giving him quality time and growing with his daily maturity. Dad also has a new baby who is poorly and his time with our children has had to take a back seat, gone from 2 nights a week to just 1, and only one of those falls on a weekend every other week. I have issues with my son, which I think are complex but just at the moment the main concern I have is making sure I set boundaries, make he knows what is expected and of course consequences.
I seem to have lost my way a bit as my son has developed. gone are the days of naughty steps/reward charts and I am now battling with X box withdrawal and wifi passwords. This last 6 months, my son's behaviour has been more than challenging. not swearing or rude, just damn right cheek and answering back, he also gets very frustrated, all the feelings in his head, which I know he can't interpret and it all bottles up and releases it on me. His wall comes down and I can't get to him to make him right, he ends up shouting and sometimes he can hit the wall (not very often - extreme situation). He is perfect at school, with grandparents friends etc, it's just me, and I know that I need to be the one he has to take it out on, just need some guidance. I am exhausted mentally and find myself crying at almost anything at the moment, seem to have lost all my strength.
I know it's all natural for his age and he has hormones and high school all happening at once, but everything is a battle. For eg.he comes in from 1st day at high school yesterday, and as I have done with both of them for the last 8 years the routine is get changed, wash hands have something to eat and drink. He told me he wasn't getting changed etc etc and on it goes. It seems petty, but its just a small example of daily challenges, that start from 1st thing in the morning and go on till he has gone to bed, by which time I am exhausted. A lot of it is petty, I need to learn to ignore, some of it isn't and I am finding it a battle trying find what is and what isn't. Just mentally gone and need to get back to basics before my 11 year starts to rule the roost.
Incidentally, we are very close and open with hugs and saying I love you's. I know that's why I am the target, I am his rock.
I came on here hoping I might meet up with people with similar issues that I can talk with, my close circle of friends, well, I think they just think he is being an arse but I can see beyond that with everything that is going on in his life.
One thing I will say about my son is he knows remorse and he always recognises his bad behaviour later on after the event, and he apologises and acknowledges he deserves the punishment, which I think is a good thing.
REally hope someone else can take the time to reply, I would appreciate it more than you know at the moment.
Thank you for replying, appreciate it more than you know. I have taken on board what you said, and it does make me feel better, knowing his reactions are only at me. When he got home after school I told his sister to go get changed and I wanted to speak to her brother. I sat and listened and let him run through everything that he had learnt/expreienced. He started off really happy but by the end of the conversation after discussing what consequences are at school for certain things he was nearly in tears, sadly wall down, and no amount of consoling or talking seems to help at that point. With previous experience I have learnt when he spirals, to remove myself from the situation as all I seem to do is agitate him. I explain that once he can talk and not raise his voice to me I will be back, I love him, I am there to support him and discuss things, but not to be shouted at. At that point I just get the same old "you're not a proper mum, if you were you would know without me saying, I hate you...." etc etc, depending on how much his mood has lowered depends on the severity of what he says. I know it's lashing out, I don't doubt for one moment he thinks it, I know he is trying to hurt or get his feelings out, just makes me sad I can't 'fix it'. When he gets like this he can spiral off into a terrible mood, door slamming, lots of shouting etc. I just have to ride the storm.
We had a chat last week and he said to me, you know I don't mean it when i say I don't love you. I told him i did and that what upsets me aren't the words, just the fact that as a mum, you pride yourself in the role of fixer. You get a cut i put a plaster on it and have a hug. I said as you have got older, I get frustrated that I don't always now how to make you feel better when I feel I should. His response was that he sometimes doesn't even know what the matter is himself and he just doesn't feel happy. He cannot pinpoint a specific thing that makes him feel like it. Just wakes up like it. I have reassured him that its ok to feel sad, its ok to feel angry, in fact there would be something wrong if he didn't get angry, it's just we need a way to channel the feelings rather than what is happening now. I said to him that I love him unconditionally, no matter what he does or what he says, that I am very proud of him and who he is. I tell him I am there to support, listen and help if I can, but I cannot be the brunt of the frustration, I am only human and it is starting to wear me down (rightly or wrongly).
Sorry if this is a long post, once I start...... You asked about his relationship with his sister. Ok, it's not good. I know he loves her but the summer holidays have been hell. Just normal sibling rivalry, but I know there is a lot of jealousy (unfounded to me, but nevertheless he feels it). When my daughter was born, I was over the top in making sure my son never felt left out, so poor love was put to one side more than he ever was. She is the opposite really, she is constantly smiling, she walks in the room and it lights up. She wears her heart on her sleeve, like her mum, and you know when she is sad and she can tell you why and we sort it. I never had issues with her growing up. No naughty steps, no telling off, not spitting, biting, none of the terrible twos I had with my son. She is just a different personality altogether. Her confidence is second to none, she excels at school and is involved with anything and everything she can be. I know this has an impact on my son very difficult to deal with it. I tell her off more than I should probably to try to show I am being fair, but in her defence she never really needs telling off.
I have given my son opportunities to do all sorts of sports, anything from football, down to archery, we are on golfing at the moment, well, the driving range, which he is very good at, but just want to try to encourage it a bit more. You can't make them do anything though thats the problem. I say it would be good to have an outlet or an interest, we all need it. He is out a lot on his scooter so he gets lots of exercise.
He has also been for councelling, which stopped after a few weeks. The councellor just said, with children it is complex, they talk on their terms and he didn't think my son was ready to talk. That was a year ago, and recently I mentioned to him again about it but nothing has come of it and i won't push it. I've been there myself and if you don't want to talk you won't.
I know he has a lot going on in his little head. I know he still stuggles with me and his Dad being apart. He doesn't like his Dad's new partner, major issues there. She doesn't have a relationship with my son particularly, but seems to have taken over the disciplining side when he is at his Dads. To his Dad, in my opinion, I was another mother rather than a partner and that, amongst other reasons is why I am not there anymore. His Dad has another 'mother substitute' and he allows her to take over. My son doesn't accept this. He can't handle the word divorce, and although he knows we aren't going to reconcile, he just can't hear the word divorce. I am with a new partner, who, luckily my son loves and my partner is fantastic with both my children, they have a lot of respect for him. He doesn't live with us and he doesn't do discipling etc, he doesn't need to, nor do I want him to at this point. I like the relationship they have. My son sometimes says to me, that he loves my partner, but he will never be his stepdad (which we have agreed anyway) and that we will never get married will we??? I tend to say not yet, but I can't tell him it might not happen in the future, just not to worry about it.
I will stop writing now, i feel I have put so much, sorry about that, just wanted you tohave an overall view of my son's world rather than a bit. Incidentally he has fantastic relationships with my mum and dad and his nanna.
Thank you for listening :) x
Hi salsa_tb04
It can be good to get it all out, i can totally relate to what you are going through with your son mine is nearly 16 (your story sounds abit like how mine probably would)we are still having the odd outburst and weeks where he just feels really low.
One thing that i have done is to make sure he does not shut himself up in his room for long periods of time, especially when he is feeling low as i have found the more time he spends on his own the longer it takes for him to get over the low feelings, i have limited the amount of time he has on the xbox and other gadgets as these have tended to make his agrressive behaviour worse.
As Anna has already suggested spending lots of time one to one just listening to what ever they want to talk about, i have also learnt to pick my battles well with him, we have house rules that they all have to stick to, which cover most major things, and i have had to learn to let the little stuff go.
As you have already done is to find him some kind off activity, K's thing is footy which he does a couple of day's a week, he usually comes back in a better mood, so has been well worth the expense.
Just wondered if his dad or his grandad would have a chat with him? I have to say though that it sounds like you both have a great relationship and your doing all the right things.
Something that i have clung onto is a friend whose son is now in his twenties, her son had come to her a few years back and thanked her for putting up with his vile teen behaviour, i think this may have been prompted by his having been doing some work with teens 
Do you have any plans for the weekend?
Sally, lovely to hear from you, I appreciate that. I have noticed the x box thing a little, though he isn't on major amounts now, but still something to think about. He has spent a bit of time in his room on his own lately thinking about it. Just recently i try to encourage him to come and sit with me and my partner and watch tv, he does sometimes for sure, but I will be more aware of that for sure. I am going to try a few times a week to have time just the 2 of us, it's difficult when I am on my own and my daughter is there all the time too, but I realise its really important. My son's grandad is a big part in his life and he has talked to him when he can. His dad, sadly, is a huge disappointment to him. His Dad is a lovely person if you met him, unfortunately he just doesn't think and where the children are concerned he is more and more thoughtless as time progresses. I try to talk to him but, I was there for so many years and that's why I am not anymore. Sad thing is as my boy gets older, he doesn't need to question the separation because over and over his Dad does things (or doesn't as the case may be), that speaks volumes and he is very wise to it, makes him very sad. My son is at a time in his life that I think he needs his Dad more than he does me really, but he is a letdown to him and does not measure up nor grow with his daily changing needs/hormones/feelings. He has his Dad on such a pedestal, and I just wish he would measure up to it and be who he needs him to be. Sad it is.
Glad to hear about you, and your friends boy. I think that is all the worries me, that he won't grow up happy and will be full of anger and resentment. I should take a lot from that and think positive.
I have some plans for the weekend thank you yes, we are going to an open day on a park on Sunday and tomorrow night we are all off out for a meal. Will be nice to go out and get away from it all. Hope you have plans too. Thank you for replying x
Hi salsatb_04, thanks for sharing more of what is going on for your son. One thing that touched a nerve for me and I only recognised it when I read you saying it. That your son got emotional when he was talking about school and consequences.
My daughter loves having 'quality time', but I find that if she says something that I disagree with, it can end up in tears. Or if I try to show her a different point of view she becomes terribly defensive.
She does listen to me and she does take on board what I have to say, but when we are spending 'quality time' (not that I call it that, but it does feel slightly different to everyday regular chat) the idea is that we just listen to our kids and acknowledge wha they are saying. They are putting themselves on the line and trusting us, so as soon as we disagree we are actually sending the message that they are wrong for having these thoughts or feelings.
So I am going to take some learning for myself from this conversation and save all those things that I want to disagree with for another time, when we are talking in general about stuff - because our children are learning from us all the time.
I hope you have a lovely weekend and everyone gets along! Don't beat yourself up, you are doing a great job 
Hi salsa_tb04,
I have been reading your thread and just wanted to say hi. I have 2 girls 9 and 11 and although I don't have the same issuse you do, i recognise some of the behaviour in my eldest.
Being a single parent can be such a lonely job sometimes, especially when things aren't going smoothly. You sound like you are handling and dealing with your son with love and compassion and seem to understand his needs. Keep strong and be kind to yourself as it sounds like you are doing a great job
Anna,thank you for what you said, I too will take something from that. Only tonight, my mum came up with answers when Ijust wanted an ear. I guess all mums are fixers, and sometimes, just sometimes we need to not try to fix it and just listen. I will try to do that too, see what difference it makes x x x x
Pancakequeen, thank you for your kind words, even after a couple of posts on here I feel so much better and reassured. I appreciate everyone taking the time to write on this, has made such a difference. I feel so much more positive about what I am doing and will make sure I carry on the best way I know how.
Thank you all, I hope you have a lovely weekend x x x x x
Hello salsa_tb04
What a great thread, I have loved reading your posts and the fantastic responses you have had. Here is my two penn'orth
Your son sounds like a really special young man. He is only "lashing out" at you because he knows you will love him no matter what. He knows what is good behaviour, you have taught him that, and his relationships with others are proof positive of that.
He is really sad and angry about his dad not being in his life enough. You can't force his dad to change but you can name those emotions to your boy. In other words when he has a rant, say something like "I can hear that you have a lot of anger inside you" or when he talks about his dad you could say "You feel really sad that your dad has let you down" Don't join in any criticisms of his dad but say "I can understand that you feel that" Keep telling him you love him. Boys of this age may become reluctant to kiss and hug (new awareness of their sexuality) so you may need to develop something else such as a high five or a catchphrase (eg. love you to the moon and back)
As for his sister, you are really sensitive to this and that's good. Maybe in the past he has found that bad behaviour gets him more attention? The quality one to one time will help with this.
Finally (phew) pick your battles. When there is something really irritating you, think Does it really matter that he changes his clothes? If yes, why? I am guessing the answer to this is so his uniform stays cleaner and you can last the week with the uniform he has. So.....explain this to him, NOT as he gets home tired, cross and hungry but in a one to one another time.
Being the parent of a teen means you can become a master tactician, heh heh.
Ah thank you so much, really good advice, I like the re phrasing of things. Learnt so much on here and I appreciate your comments and support. Nice to be able to talk to people outside of my frienda and family. Feel like that's all I'm ever doing. Thank you for taking the time x x x
Hi salsa_tb04, did you have a good weekend? I think you were going out for a meal and then to the park on Sunday. What was the open day for?
Hiya Anna, lovely weekend thank you. We had a night out on saturdaynat an Italian, the children loved it and although in bed a bit later, we don't do it a lot so I thought it won't do any harm. The open day was just to raise funds to keep the park going really, Keep it clean and tidy and raise money for the upkeep of it. Lovely weather so all ok. HAd a few traumas with son last night, but I knew it was allunderlying which was about school. He did however rant at me that I makehim feel worthless, which i was taken aback by. I asked why he felt like that, what was it I did/ said too ever make him feel that way. He just said that I am always going on at him making him feel,like he can't do anything right. I was shocked and said that no one should ever be made to feel that they are worthless. I said i willthink about what he has said. For the life of me I cannot think what I have done to make him feel that way, and itmakes me feel soo bad. I really need to think what's going on and what I might be doing. This morning he was very worried about school, but, he told me how he felt, and I listened to the end and asked if he wanted an opinion or not, he did, so I talked about what I thought and he went to school in a slightly better mood. I do feel for him and I hope I can work out what I am doing wrong. His self esteem isn't good to start with, the last thing I want is for him to feel I'm knocking him down all the time. It's so hard this parenting lark, just want them both to feel happy, loved , confident and secure. I appreciate you asking about the weekend, thank you. I hope you had a nice weekend too. I'm off to pick daughter up and hopefully listen about my sons day, if he wants me to. Wish me luck x
Hi salsa_tb04
Glad you had a lovely weekend.
Try not to beat yourself up over what your son has said you probably have not said anything that would make him feel worthless, i would ask for something more specific than the "you keep on at me" young people have a way of viewing their world that is not always consistant to what actually took place/happened when it comes to us.
K used to get annoyed everytime i would ask him to do something, then say that i was always on his case/can never do anything right (this was usually after a consequence was put in place for his not having done something that was asked of him).
Something you could try is leaving post it notes on his bedroom door or on his pillow or anywhere that he will see it saying that you love him or thanking him for something that he has done or just put something positive about him on it, i have been doing this, K did not mention anything about them until i had missed a couple of days then he asked if i had ran out of post it notes
How about you tell us a bit about your daughter, what's she like? what do you like doing if you get the time to do something for yourself?
That's a fab idea, I will give that a go, thank you. My daughter has just turned 8, she is bubbly and wonderful company, both of them have a fabulous sense of humour and independently they are great to be with. My daughter goes dancing and is involved with anything and everything happening in school. She is the oldest in the year which is to her advantage I have to say. Her personality is very different to L, you know exactly how she is feeling , nearly always smiling, she wears her heart on her sleeve like her mum. I never have any worries with her, other than she is subjected to L's outbursts and in the past they have scared her somewhat, she understands a little more and she has learnt what to do when it happens, she is very mature for her age bless her.
I work part time, try to fit in with school. I love to sing and I love salsa, all be it not done either for myself for a number of months. I have an allotment which I get to and we have 3hens too lol. Fresh eggs every day and both the children love them and spend time picking them up and petting them. The hens settle on their knees, it's really cute to see. We do loads together, I have taken them camping on summer holidays, try to do as much as possible, just found myself on a bit of a burn out at the end of these holidays lol. Still, good time had by all. I have a partner , we tend to have one night every other week, so we cook and tend to watch a film and do karaoke haha.
On the whole life is good, just my boy is a constant worry and I just hope I can nurture him through all this, thank you for asking, loads of ideas from people on here, it helps so muchand gives me fesh ideas to try x x
Ooh Sally I love the post-it notes idea! 
Salsa, your life does sound busy and fulfilling. When do you sit down? 
I have just taken your boy's name out of your post, we use initials here to keep everything anonymous and protect your privacy. L is just at the age where you have the prime opportunity. Sort things with him now and you will have a better ride through ther teenage years. When they get to 14 it can be more difficult!
I was interested to read that you can tell what your daughter is feeling more easily than your son. Is your daughter very like you? Who does L take after? Sometimes identifying not just our children's characteristics but also where they come from, can be really enlightening. For example, I used to get quite irritable with one of my boys at the meal table. It took me ages to realise that this was because he ate the same way as his father. After that, I stopped being annoyed.
I do encourage all parents of teens and nearly teens to read this fab book(click) it wlll really explain what goes on in their heads and give you a few more strategies.
But do keep posting, we will support you along the way!
Thank you for the name thing, I tried so hard to keep using son and daughter and not their names. Ok, my daughter is identical to me, my son has a lot of his dad in him. People say you don't pass things on in genes, but L's temper is very similar to his dad. I use the word temper loosely, L has never had a lot of patience, even as a toddler, and when things didn't go right or if he couldn't do things first time, he would get so cross and frustratedwith himself. Hehas a very short fuse, like his dad, but over the years this seems to have led to a lack of self belief and low self esteem. I have had many a year of " letting him win" and as he gets older, we laugh about it now and actually saybefore a game can I play properly or do you need to win haha. His dad hates losing, he is very proud and can not laugh at himself, although willing to laugh at others. L's dad does not show his feelings a lot. As L gets older he recognises this and I have to constantly reassure him that his dad loves him with all his heart. Both my children openly say I love you's and hug freely with family members, its how i am. I tell them both that if they need a love from their dad, ask for it, he will never refuse, he just doesn't know how to do it. It's hard for me to play mum and dad role as we haven't been together for over 4 years now, and sadly L really needs his dad and quality time with him, sadly he doesn't get it, and I can talk and talk andtalk to his dad but it goes in one ear and out of the other. L's dad and I were together for 17 years and it's one of the reasons why we aren't together now. A lot of the ways I have dealt with things over the last few years is because of theguilt I feel for separating the family, although my parents dread to think where I would be now if we hadn't parted, and L for that matter too. I still do feel guilty and even the thought makes my eyes well,up. However, I have to move forward and do the best I can, I'm so glad I came on here, none of my friends have the issues I have and often try to offer advice that simply can't apply to my boy he is very complex and has so much to deal with, poor love. Ps I never sit down, well, probably after 9 once L is in bed oh, and to type this lol pps I will look at the link you provided, thank you so much, I have a plethora of books starting from when they were babies, just nothing for the journey I am on now , appreciate it x x
Hiya Salsa,
I not where you are coming from as i had the same problem with my x hubbie and son. My son was so angry with his dad for not taking time out and doing things, he used to go and take his Playstation with him. My son got so angry that he started hitting out and it was always me that seemed to get the angue from him, even tho it was ment for his dad I sat my son down and asked what he wanted and he said not to be treated like a baby at my dads and for him to notice i am there. So i got him to write a letter to his dad, and he put everything in it, hates, dislikes, likes, loves the lot. He also decided that as he wasnt enjoying it he didnt want to go, witch was up to him and to start with his dad didnt care but as he got older he relised that he had more scope to do stuff as my x hubbie seemed to b able to cope with older children than younger. My son also had councilling as like yr son couldnt really pin point what it was he was so angry about. The councilling was the best ever thing he did as it put it all straight in his head and he understood what it was, he just wanted his dads respect and for him to be pround of him as he never showed he did. Now there relationship is great and my son only goes if he wants to now and his dads respects it is up to him. It took 3 years to get to where he is now and i am so very proud of the young man he has grown into.
Things do work out and you just need to keep chatting it thro all the time and come to agreements.
My son did the traffic lights when he got cross, red for Angry, ambar for cross and green for ok. He use to just say the colour and i new how he was feel. It worked a treat.
Hope this has helped in anyway at all. xxxxxx
Thank you so so much , that has helped me lots. I think it's the same with L for sure, letter writing is an idea. Did you actually give the letter or was it to get it out of his head? My ex has a new partner and an 18 month toddler now. L hates his new partner ( so he says) . I don't know if its because she is with his dad, as in, he would hate anyone new for his dad, or whether it's because basically she disciplines him and his dad allows it. He has let her take over and in myopinion kids need arelationship of some kind and have some mutual respect before you can discipline effectively ( otherthan at school of course) . I have tried thecounselling approach, my parents and I know it's what he needs, but he isn't interested and the councillor said that with children it's on their terms, and after a period of time when he got down to the " nitty gritty" with L then his wall was down and he didn't want to go any further. I just feel maybe in another year or so he may want it, I don't know how to handle that one really. I too am the brunt of the anger and thehurt, it's tough isn't it? I am so glad to hear how your son has matured, it's fantastic, and I hope I will be in that position too over the next few years. I have taken on board what you said and appreciate it so much, thank you for taking the time x x x x ps I like the traffic light idea too, will try that one x x
Hails1971, can I ask how old your son was when this started, and how old he is now? Thank you x x
Wow, lots of good advice here salsa_tb04.
Can I just say well done you! You wrote:
This morning he was very worried about school, but, he told me how he felt, and I listened to the end and asked if he wanted an opinion or not, he did, so I talked about what I thought and he went to school in a slightly better mood.
and I think that is brilliant! You are obviously a great mum, you are thoughtful and want the best for the children, your daughter is thriving and with some extra tlc your son will too.
Listening is such an important skill to have as a parent, also another thing I believe is important is 'chatting'. To be able to just chat with our kids about random stuff, great for bonding and showing them that they are important and interesting.
Anna, thank you so much, very kind of you to say, feel humbled x x I have listened to everything on here and put it into practice, and this week has been fab, I am buzzing and feel so inspired with new things to try. I have to say I have found it very difficult to keep quiet and not try to "fix" things, but the impact of me doing just that is a real eye opener. Fingers crossed eh? Thank you so much x x x
Hi Salsa, I agree, one of the hardest things I find is not to be the fixer, but like you I have gained so much by just listenizng and being there.\\\\\\z\
Sorry about the end of my post, my kitten walked on the keyboard!
I also wanted to say that I liked your comment about chatting anna, I love to chat with my girls but I know I could do it more often, I can see they get so much out of it.
Glad you are getting positive results from your efforts salsa, you are a great mum x
Hi salsa_tb04
Glad you feel you are getting lots of benefit from everyone's input, that is what we are here for Keep posting and letting us know how things are going
PQ, that was soooo funny, kitten on keyboard!
pancakequeen, you made me giggle haha, thank you to both you and Louise too for your comments. The difference between last week and this week is unbelievable, and I just had to tweak a couple of things I was doing, or not as the case may be. I have learnt so much, and the environment in our home is soooo much calmer and actually a nice place to be for a change. I will make sure I get to read other peoples issues and see if I can offer any pearls. We all have different ways of dealing with things, what can work with one, doesn't necessarily work with the other. I found myself backed into a corner with no ideas and this week I am buzzing and life feels good. Thanks everyone xx
Thats great salsa
Yay! Good for you, you go girl!
Hiya salsa_tb04, I have said hallo to you on another thread you have posted, so I ma glad to read more of your story here.
11 yr old boys eh? Good question! I have a daughter, so no actual experience of this, however you seem to be pretty clued up on all his hormonal changes, the reasons for his reactions etc.
One thing that I am guilty of and I am wondering if you are doing this too, is that rather than address certain behaviours, we 'know' that it is because of something else (usually dad), we are more lenient. This is NOT helpful for our children. We can't second guess them. Boys especially need boundaries and they will push push push, but they feel loved and cared for if they are stopped in their tracks.
I also recognise the extreme emotional strain that it puts on you. I am thinking that you are beating yourself up over this every day, whereas actually you could view it very differently.
You son is well behaved at school, he is respectful with extended family members and friends. He knows when he has gone too far and is remorseful and is 'big' enough to apologise. All of these things are really really good and that is your doing.
So he needs to learn how to control his temper and learn to 'talk' about his emotions and his wants without kicking off.
What were you doing when he got home from school? Were you 'available' for him? Perhaps over the next few days, let him come in and get a drink, then sit down with him and have a chat, hear how his day has gone. Don't let there be any interruptions. He has a multitude of things going on for him now he is in 'big' school, he needs you to be all ears.
We are here for you and there are no direct answers, but use us as a sounding board, know that the way you are feeling is completely normal and we all have days like this.
How does he get on with his sister? I look forward to hearing back from you.