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I
have been struggling with my youngest son's behaviour for going on 3 years now.
He is 10 years old. The main issues are -
1) Extreme anger/tantrums and aggressive outburst, it can be
anything that sets him off -something not working/ dying in his computer game/
me saying no/ his dad resulting in the destruction of his own things or the
house, in our previous house he broke all 6 internal doors (albeit they were
crap) by kicking and slamming. Shouting F off me, how he hates me, I'm a
rubbish mum, to sobbing and crying on the floor. He has started to calm down
quicker but they have lasted up to 2 hours.
2) Boredom/short attention span - He needs constantly occupying
and once he gets bored that’s when problems arise. He will annoy or wind up his
brother, he will do impulsive things and not think through consequences, 3
nights ago for example he tried to play prank on Tracy Beaker and poured
washing up liquid into the toilet cistern - would have been funny but when it didn’t
react the way he wanted he then poured brand new unopened bottles of shampoo
and conditioner, floor cleaner, cleaning spray, bubble bath and washing
detergent in too toothpaste - replacement cost approx. £15. He will burn
things, take things to pieces sometimes it feels like having a toddler and I can’t
leave him alone.
3) He is having increasing difficulty in sleeping, mostly getting
to sleep, and then he often wakes at night and comes to my bed,
4) Although school have no issues with him, he has a flair for
maths and language and expresses himself well. He really dislikes school, finds
it boring and feels people don’t really like him and that he has no-one to play
with at break times.
There's lots of other bits, he argues the toss with me, constantly
berates me for not listening to him and says I favour my eldest. He does at
times blame others for his behaviour but also berates himself for being a
rubbish son.
Over the past couple of years we have had Team around the Child
meetings, 9 of them, he had has some anger management sessions, 6 I think, we
have been through mediation, and had a Barnados Support worker. The general
consensus being that it’s the difference in parenting styles, though his dad
says it’s all because I'm too soft.
My son is sweet, intelligent, emotionally perceptive, caring and
extremely eager to please.
Some Background
His older brother is high-functioning autistic and goes to
mainstream school.
He has difficult relationship with his dad that came to a head
before Christmas and currently only my eldest sees their dad.
Contact
before Christmas was every other weekend from afterschool on Friday til 4pm on Sunday
and 2 hours in the intervening Fridays. They also used to spend a week in the
summer holidays with dad but year dad lost some holiday time and chose to go on
holiday to France with his girlfriend instead, which the boys are aware off.
The last time they got to spend longer than 3 consecutive nights with dad was
16 months ago in august 2010 - it’s also last time I had any proper respite.
The boys were due to go to their dads on Friday 23rd December
until 12pm Christmas day. My youngest had already started voicing concerns about
going in case he got bored. Dad had said they are no longer allowed to take
their Xboxes but psp and ds are ok. I called dad to have chat so I could reassure
youngest, but the moment I said he was worried about being bored dad flipped,
we had nasty row and said if he didn’t come the weekend then he wasn’t allowed
to come the following week for the agreed 3 day extra visit for christmas hols.
Eldest
went alone and when dropped off on Christmas day I encourage youngest to speak
to dad and have a hug. Dad said he shouldn’t have his Christmas presents as he
was still upset with him. Youngest has still not had presents from dad’s side
of the family.
Eldest
went alone for 3 days and this weekend past. Youngest had said he still wants
to see dad and asked dad if he could come and just spend the day on Saturday
instead of whole weekend but dad said he’s not coming. Basically he either goes
for whole weekend or not at all, in the past he has also said that they either
both come for whole weekend or not at all.
He feels his dad doesn’t want him to be who he is, that dad's
girlfriend is more important and that is why they have to go to bed 'early' at
his dads - 8.30pm on the weekends in comparison to my 11pm. He gets bored
at his dad and wishes dad would ask them more what they would like to do. Dad won’t
let him choose his own clothes or trainers and when he came back from dad's
house would always have a massive outburst in the days prior to going and after
coming back.
My dad died when I was 28, I didn’t really form a relationship
with him until I was 21 because when my parents divorced my mam moved us from Holland
to the uk ( I was 7) and I only saw him once a year. It was heartbreakingly
painful and I don’t want that for my boys, when we split I stayed to ensure
they had every chance for a relationship with their dad that I didn’t get.
I'm not the strictest of parents, especially in comparison to
their father who is very controlling.
I do have boundaries but will be the first to admit I have
difficulty is keeping some to them for fear of my youngest outbursts. I have in
the past given in sooner than I ought due to my eldest finding the youngest
tantrums very distressing.
I have limited family support, as all but my mum live in Holland
and I have no contact with my ex’s family.
I have suffered with bouts of depression since the age of 19 but
it is a condition that I mostly manage well with medication and counselling
when needed.
I have just started the freedom program despite being separated
for 8 years as I realise I'm still allowing myself to be controlled and
manipulated either directly or through our sons.
There are times when I feel at a complete loss, I don’t know if my
youngest behaviour is due just to circumstances and my parenting or if it could
possibly also be a sign of add or odd.
I also don’t know how to make things better.
Any thoughts, suggestions,experiences, advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Thankyou so much Louise, I cant tell you how much I appreciate it.
Hi MissB73
Great to see you here.
I know Louise will give some brilliant advice - I'd be lost without this board.
I shall look forward to reading Louise's reply, as she and Anna are brilliant.
Hello sparkling lime
Its been great to even just get it all of my chest, been doing this on my own for so long and I'm sooooo tired.
thanks for making me feel welcome x
Hi MissB73. Have welcomed you on your other thread, but welcome again anyway 
I can hear Louise's brain percolating right now hehe, and an excellent brain she has too 
Like Sparkling, I too would be lost without One Space.
Hello again Miss B73
Firstly, Anna has already given you some great food for thought on the Introduce Yourself thread, click here to see it again.
Secondly, if you suspect your boy is affected by something medical such as ADD or ODD then do see your GP and arrange for a proper assessment.
Thirdly,I need you to understand that the things I am going to say are with the aim of helping you and your boy. NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT. It is really, really important that you accept that. As parents, we can be so quick to blame ourselves when that is not really the case so that is why I am taking the time to make that really clear to you at the outset.
Ok so I have read about your boy and the factors that surround him and what your experience is of him and with him. What I want to do first of all is get inside his head and think about what is going on for HIM. This may be very upsetting for you but it will help us to provide constructive solutions. Here is where I think he might be at:
"I am ten. I am one of the biggest at my primary school and I am a bit scared about going up to big school where I will be little again. School work is not too hard but I don't seem to get on much with the other boys, it's hard for me to relax when I feel so rubbish inside. I love my brother but he has had a lot of attenttion cos he is autistic. My dad....I don't know if I love my dad but I want him to love me. When he was here then he was always bossing us all but somehow it was Ok because he was HERE. Then he left., he didn't want me anymore. I am furious that he left me. I want to make sure my mum won't leave me, too, so I test her out with awful behaviour. This has another benefit for me: it gets me loads of attention and she says "I can't leave him for a moment" Success! I don't want her to leave me as well! But I need my mum to be strong for me for two reasons: if she does not give me anything to kick against then I have to find something else to kick against 9such as the doors I broke) and I need to know that she is strong enough to keep me safe and stand up to my dad and be on MY SIDE. I call her a rubbish mum but I feel it is because I am a rubbish son really and maybe I don''t deserve EITHER of my parents to be strong and on my side because I am so rubbish. When my dad phones he even wants to know what meals I have been eating. I want to shout to him "if you had not gone away you would have known what I had for my tea!" He won't even let me take my Xbox, I said I would be bored without it...in truth I need something to distract me from seeing him with his new life. I hate myself"
PHEW, what a lot is going on for him! So....what can be done to help? I am posting this and then going to do another post straight away that discusses this....
Part Two
What can be done? I still want to acknowledge the possible medical issues, and say don't ignore those if you are concerned but the things below are things you can do:
1. He feels very bad about himself. Praise every little thing you see him do right, and give lots of compliments in terms of behaviour, appearance etc be specific: don't say you were good today, say I really liked it when you cleared your plate away after tea, thank you.
2. Organise some time when just the two of you do something, without his brother. Do something HE likes. It sounds as if he is interested in Science, for example (toilet incident) or does he like football or fishing....Spend that one to one time with him. Tell him you enjoy his company. Tell him you love him. Stay calm.
3. The above two are obviously designed to enhance your relationship. Now you also need to get tough. It's not about whether his dad thinks you are soft or you think dad is too strict, it is about providing guidelines for your boy to feel safe. Research shows clearly that BOYS LIKE BOUNDARIES. You need some house rules. Not a long, draconian list but about three. Up to you but something like "do not hurt other people" "do not damage property" and "speak respectfully to me" They cover a lot of bases!!! There need to be consequences if the rules are not followed. Consequences can be taking away the X Box, witholding pocket money, not giving lifts, being derpived of treats, no telly....think about what you are able to enforce because you must stick to them, If you think it is hard to discipline him now, wow just wait till he is 14 and bigger than you. Doing it now is brilliant because it lets you take him in hand. There is an excellent book produced by an organsation called "Working with men" but I cannot see the booklet on their website so I have emailed them and will let you have details if they are still producing it.
4 One thing that sounds as if it needs a lot of work (and I know you are addressing this) is your relationship with his dad. How dare he threaten you with taking away the children when he cannot tolerate his son having the X Box? How cruel to withold Christmas presents for such a request! How dare he question you about meals and activities?This man has abused you for years. You are finding it hard to realise how much, I do understand that, as I was saying on the other thread. Whilst it will take time to work through, at least say to your son on a regular basis "don't worry about dad, he does not live here any more and I am in charge now, I will look after you and keep you safe" say it often, even if you feel silly repeating yourself.
5. Your boy needs to be kept busy so find things he can join which will give him positive male role models. Youth club? Karate? swimming club? Is he eligible for Young Carers activities in your area, I wonder? (thinking about him maybe having to help his brother out sometimes, he could stretch it a bit and be a "carer" and get that support!) Make this your campaign, to keep him so busy he does not have time to be bored or destructive. He will also make new friends,
6. Sleeping will improve as his anger dissapates but just stay calm and comforting in the meantime. Not many ten year olds come into their mother's room to sleep, he desperately craves security, poor chap.
SO......deep breaths. There is a long way to go and these suggestions will NOT provide a magic wand, they are the FIRST STAGE of you new life with him. I know you love your boy dearly and want to help him....so how about gathering your every last ounce of strength and giving it a go?
I
really can't thank you enough, I’ve been trying so hard for the last 3 years to
get help for my young man, but even he says he feels as though people aren’t
listening to him.
You
have given me more help in these replies than I have had in those 3years,despitethe
fact I’ve told you nothing different, I've told everyone the same as you but
still seemed to be speaking a different language.
The
following are things I’ve done or am doing -
Number 1
- We painted a family tree together in our hall way and on it there are 2 chalk
board hearts and in them I write reasons why I love them and change the reasons
often.
I
make a point of telling him when he does kick off that I love him but it’s his behaviour
that I don’t like. We have a saying in our house that we still all say in our
house – ‘love you to the moon and back always and forever no matter what.’
Young man
does actually dominate my time and my autistic son doesn’t get any where near
as much which is a problem in itself and I can understand from what you have
written that young man is getting the attention he wants for the wrong reasons
so that’s on my list to action as well as setting time aside for my eldest.
Number 2 & 5 - My young man has done a year of cubs, then last year tae Kwando, but he got
bored, but he’s also put some weight on of which he feels self-conscious, I’ve
asked him to help me with my healthy eating having been diagnosed with arthritis
in my knee I’m losing a bit of weight to ease the pain, but this way I figured
the focus wouldn’t be all on him and his weight. We cycle to and from school every day and sometimes
go for an extra bike ride along the river and I’m slowly changing our diet and
trying not to make too bigger deal of it, his dad has patted his tummy and said
‘you need to get rid of that’ which really upset him.
Next
year he can join army cadets which he is keen on as both his dad and my brother
did in the same town and my brother is a hero to my son, having been to Afghanistan
twice, survived his tank hitting a mine and
guarding the Dutch queens residence in the Hague, sadly he lives in Holland
with all the good possible male role models in my life.
I
have bought a book on science experiments to do at home and the ingredients
needed, and last summer bought a fire pit with a lid so he can burn bits of
paper and build a proper camp fire in a safe and controlled environment and
learn fire safety - better than always saying no. He always has to ask first
and I have to be in the kitchen where I can see him, sometimes I ask him to a build
a fire for us so we can eat together outside around the
fire, and that’s his job.
Number 3
is probably going to be the hardest but I suspect the
most rewarding for us all, what I struggle with is finding a balance between
being firm and not being like his dad because that he really can’t cope with.
Last time I did that he went totally ballistic and it all got out of hand and
he bit me, shouted at me, tried to hit me and turned his bedroom completely upside
down. I have told him I can no longer afford to constantly to replace things he
breaks so he needs to think of the
consequences, it does seem to have helped in that he doesn’t break so much
anymore. So he has two broken chester
drawers in his room and I have said that when I feel happy he won’t break things
anymore I will buy him new ones.
I
have taken away his xbox, physically removed it or the controller as a
consequence of unacceptable behaviour and that’s when all hell breaks loose and
this is where I fall down, my eldest wouldn’t argue with me, but young man
becomes violent, physically tries to grab it back, tries to bite me, throws
things, messes up his room, screams at the top of his voice or slams doors,
bangs on the wall because he knows I worry about the neighbours complaining
about the noise. They have in the past, and he is as stubborn as me and can
keep it up for hours, so if its bedtime its a battle I don’t choose to fight
then or I fight it as long as my eldest
can cope with it.
Number 4 - "don't worry about dad, he does
not live here anymore and I am in charge now, I will look after you and keep
you safe" will be my mantra from now on.
It
is very hard to admit,I still cant quiet say the sentence.will try now -
I have been psychologically abused, bullied and manipulated by my ex for years, the 9 we were together and the last 8,it is not all my fault and it stops now.
This year I do get my life back and so do my children, they will learn that they are loved, safe and secure with me, that it's not ok for dad to make them feel that who they are is not good enough.
Thank you Louise, I know I have a long way to go but I'm on the road now....xx
That's a good mantra to have
Miss B73
All the things you are doing are fantastic! I absolutely love the idea of the hearts on the tree 
We will be here to hold your hand through the process 
Wow MissB73, Louise definitely pulled it out of the hat this time
I love your wall, what a gorgeous idea, you so very obviously have spent a very long time working so very hard for your boys.
I feel that you are (as you yourself recognise) still very much dominated by your ex and it would be really good to contact Womens Aid and find support in your area.
It sounds as though you have done lots already, but also recognise that there is still a journey to go on.
I know that the discipline might be your hardest obstacle, would you consider finding a parenting programme to work on some techniques? This can be so supportive and also informative and you might make new friends!!
When my daughter was small she was also very aggressive, but you have to show no fear.
Try and keep a low firm voice, not threatening, just serious. Tell him exactly what you want him to do and what the consequences will be if he doesn't comply.
So when you take the X Box away, you can just repeat that you told him this would happen if xxxxx wasn't done. He will kick off, he may well scream and display horrific behaviour. At this point you need to repeat why you are doing it and then ignore any further behaviour or conversation until he has calmed down. It could take 10 times of you doing this, but the message will go in.
You can do this, you ARE a STRONG woman, you have shown this on the boards, please believe it.
Thank you, thank you, seriously, I'm choked at every response I get. To get such positive responses and positive reinforcement is a breath of fresh air.
I'm working through the parenting programme on this site,its quiet difficult to arrange baby sitters etc due to lack of funds and family so at the moment its easier to at least be doing something online rather than nothing. Having tried things through school( it took me til year 5 to even get my eldest assessed and diagnosed ) I prefer to not involve them anymore.
I've had a chat my eldest and explained that in order for youngests behaviour to improve we need may to go through some tough times but it will be worth it, I've given him my mp3 player and headphones in case it does get noisy.
I'll keep you updated :)
That was an excellent idea about talking with your eldest about what was going on. I know you said that you worried about the noise for the neighbours sometimes and I also thought that if you know them (ok maybe you dont) it might be worth having a word and saying you are aware that he can be noisy and you are trying a new set of strategies with him that may increase the noise for a short time but you are hoping will settle him after that?
Glad you are looking at the parenting programme, we have some articles we can send link to but don't want to overload you with stuff. Anna has given you a good strategy above for when you need to get tough, so just try these things first and there is other stuff up our sleeves for later heh heh
MissB73, so what is todays challenge and how are you going to tackle it?
Hi anna,well todays challenge was, well I had a whole list of things, but realised I was setting myself up for a fall that I would only beat myself up later i.e - see you are rubbish, cant do it all.
So remembering another quote -
I changed tack...
I realise that I can do anything, but not everything, and definitely not all at once. So applying that to youngest I thought I would just tackle one area of behaviour at a time.
So last night when he got cross because he lost internet connection he shouted up the stairs at me to get off the internet.
Taking a deep breath I went down stairs and kept my voice calm and said that if he shouted like that again I would take the xbox controller away from him.
His started straight away with shouting at me 'go away then, go away, go away if you're just going to tell me off'
I said 'I'm not shouting at you, so there is no need to shout at me and if you carry on I will take your controller, I will go when I have finished talking, its not acceptable to shout like that, it's your pages that are up and I'm not even on the internet.'
He started saying again 'go away go away' so I said wy are you so cross? he explained and I replied 'it must be very frustrating for you but its not acceptable to speak like that and shout' I repeated consequences...then I left the room, he was still grumbling a bit.
I had to keep telling myself to stay calm, to keep my voice even and strong, its not easy, when you're tired, (and believe me when I say I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted) and when you think, just please do as you're told and speak to me properly.
That was for me a tiny success because it didnt turn into ww3, he did stop shouting and later apologised to me.
I also realised that I'm quiet fragile and vunerable at the moment, their dad has done rather a good job of stripping me of my confidence in my own parenting (thank you freedom programme for that revelation) and I need to build that back up.
Hence my theory that I don't have to do everything all in one go, small steps, small victories and that way I will build up my confidence again, youngest will also not feel like I've pulled the rug out from under him by turning into his dad and it will slowly become the norm.
Does that makes sense? Sorry I write mini novels... 
Next challenge is to do something for myself...the challenge = to not feel guilty about doing something just for myself and to remember that ' I'm worth it'
xx
That makes excellent sense MissB73. I can only imagine how drained you must be feeling, so extra well done on what you did. The bit I liked THE VERY BEST was when you said that you stayed calm and just repeated the message. Spot on!!! Now of course this is not going to work overnight but it is the first step towards a new regime.....and yes I do mean regime, as from now on YOU are in charge and today you took a major step towards reclaiming that parental authority. Keep at it, BE CONSISTENT as not only will it be more effective but the thing I said about safety.....he needs to know what the boundaries are and that they are strong and immovable. Hooray for you!
rose coloured specs to spot the teeniest thing to praise, and baby steps with immeasurable patience...
I did speak to the neighbours on both sides about my son when we moved here. I spoke to them all in our corner of the estate as he did have a tendancy to wail (still will ocassionaly). I think they appreciated it and didn't worry about things then. Also, they were so good as they'd let me know if they'd spotted him in places doing things he shouldn't.... (like sitting on a scooter going downhill on a road in the middle of the estate.
I do hope you have some time for you this weekend.
Struggling today,youngest is doing his nut cos he's bored and his game keeps freezing but I've got a chest infection, temp, headache, feel totally wiped so I havent the energy to a) entertain him or b) deal with his behaviour,
Feeling like a pretty shitty mam, its gorgeous outside today and I feel I should get them out in the nice weather, but oldest is chilling and doesnt want to go anywhere and I know I'm not really well enough. Any suggestions I make are met with disdain and 'thats boring mam' it feels like its going to be a really long day and I'm full of 'I should be doing this or that' grrrr can I just have a scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, rant, whinge,moan over x
Awww, it is hard when you're ill.
When they were little I used to put a DVD on and we'd watch it together... Not so easy when they're older though.
Hello Miss B73
I am sorry to hear you have been feeling poorly, everything goes to pot when you feel grotty. hope you feel better today
Hi MissB73, fantastic post earlier. It sounds as though you really knuckled down and have got to grips with a good technique for dealing with his behaviour.
Sorry to read that you were feeling awful yesterday, I hope today you are a little brighter.
Does your youngest like doing drawings? Paintings? Scribblings? I was wondering if there is something other than the computer that he could get interested in? I once read that a child should never be on a computer game for longer than 45 mins at a time, because it sends their brain into overdrive and can have the same effect as an ecstasy tab. 
How are you feeling today?
Feeling pants, but posted why on the other thread.
Me and youngest do allsorts, he often joins me in the studio and draws or paints.
We play the Doodle game where he does a random scribble and I have to turn it into something. I gave him his own a3sketch book, paints and crayons,he's also writing a story that he dictates to me and I type up for him.
He likes bike rides and walks,cooking and playing board games, when I can afford it wehave a day out the 3 of us or go tp the cinema, and he has his friend for sleepovers sometimes.
But you know how it is sometimes they just dont want to do anything you suggest, in the winterits coldand dark so soon, and I'm pretty broke at the moment, though I know it doesnt have to cost money to do things.
Hi MissB73, it sounds as though your boy does lots of great things.
The doodle game! My daughter and I used to play that too! Actually we were playing it earlier this year on the train!
So Sunday was just him feeling trapped indoors and going stir crazy and mum not being her usual wonderful self! It happens to us all.
I have commented on your other thread. I quite like that you have separated the two issues, however I think you are aware that they are probably linked.
I hope that you are still sticking to your boundaries and consequences??
Hello MissB73
Firstly welcome to One Space,
Secondly, it is GREAT that you have given this much detail, thanks, that will help us to support and help you more. I have read your post and want you to know that we are happy to give you that help and support, but I want to give you the very best that I can and so am not going to post a full reply to you until tomorrow. I have a few initial thoughts and want to investigate them and also let my brain percolate things overnight so this is just to say hello and that I am thinking of you and will post a constructive response to you in the morning