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Good afternoon,
I am first time user of any forum, so apologies if this is a bit fractured....
I am a mother of a 10 year girl who is frightened of my partner (not her father) as over the past 5 years we have been together there has been much shouting, name calling and not a nice atmosphere around our relationship. The relationship has been on going as we have spent much of the time apart due to being on different continents.
This had led to me being unable to 'let him in' on being a 'parent' as I have been physically alone with her for most of this time and I find it very difficult to allow discipline etc when he returns for the month or few that he does.
It has come to the point that I did walk out of the marriage (he returned in July) at the beginning of December. I have since returned to the house in the belief that he was going to return home. My daughter stayed with family over the xmas period. She has come back home to return to school and we are looking to resolve our family issues (with aid counselling, which suggested we had an abusive relationship).
However, he feels that my daughter is nothing to him and that he does not need to have a relationship with her. I had his want to be a parent but do not any longer. he wants rules/guidelines set up and my notion of being nice to each other and building up the respect between each other slowly is not good enough. I need to make a grand guesture and that no matter what he did call her/me, how he treated her/me that if i want the relationship to be rebuilt I have to come up with rules/guidelines and make the opportunities arise alone.
All I desire is a peaceful and harmonious household, where there is no shouting, no name calling and no fear.
Any suggestions on how to achieve this will be gratefully received.
Many thanks
Hello,
Thank you for responding.
The counsellor has suggested we go seperately to meetings, but this is yet to occur due to waiting periods. This was based purely on the initial meeting we had in December and what was said then.
My partner does not agree with the way that I discipline my daughter. He believes that for lies she should have her mouth rinsed out with vinegar or fish sauce, even if its a little one such as 'have you brushed your teeth?'. If she does something wrong, such as not tidy her room when asked, then she is to be excluded from all activities (gymnastics and out to play) and grounded for a minimum of a week. I am much more a talk through things with her, tell her that if she does x then this upsets me because of y and, therefore, could we be aware of the actions to other peoples feelings etc. I also do not believe in physical discipline.
Due to my methods, my partner feels and has voiced that I am not a mother but a big sister. If my daughter is to respect me then she is to fear me and the outcome, but over the past ten years I have been able to raise my voice and reduce her to tears.
With regards to your questions...Am I afraid of him - in a way, but it is more the fact that if i do this is this going to bring about an arguement and another 4 hour monologue. He has never been physical towards me.
Do I want to be with him - the person he is when he is around his friends is absolutely amazing, the way he treats the cat is brilliant...this is the way that I would like it to be, as i have said to him i really desire him to be my best friend, and this we most certainly are not.
My daughter is afraid of him for a number of reasons, he gets frustrated very easily and will throw his medication packets, paper, hot water bottles etc (i use this example as before xmas he threw a hotwater bottle which hit her shelves and down crashed her ornaments which were irrepairably damaged - he did try to fix them to no avail). He uses his body to tower over her and puts his face right up close her hers to intimidate whilst raising his voice. This has caused arguments between us, as I put myself inbetween the pair of them and then I am taking sides and defending her. Trying to reason again that you can't do that to a child regardless, but his view is that if she fears him then she will respect him.
Unfortunately her biological father is not in her life through his choice, but i remain in close contact with his parents and they all share a happy and comfortable relationship. I have been nothing but honest with her regarding her biological father. His family and I will be there all the way for her if and when she would like to go looking for him.
The way that I look at life in general is to treat people the way you would like to be treated, but this doesn't appear to work for my partner, there has to be rules and regulations to be followed with set consequences if these are steered away from.
Hi Skatandah, I am really worried for your daughter. The poor girl is probably petrified of him and this is not good for her mental health or her self confidence or self esteem.
I raise my daughter in a similar fashion to how you say you raise yours and I am not her big sister, I am her mother and she knows it (she is now 18), I have been in an abusive relationship and I have see the effect it had on my girl.
If you love this man and he is prepared to change, perhaps go to a parenting course together, then go for it. But if he is not prepared to make any steps towards your daughter, then I would steer well clear of him. He doesn't deserve to be around the beauty of a 10 year old child, who is still young enough to see magic in the world.
Don't let her beauty be squashed by a self centred bully.
Hi
Personally, for the well being of your daughter, I don't see how you are able to stay with this relationship.
I think it is very sad that you were not able to share Christmas with her.
It does take tremendous courage to leave a marriage. In my case when the well-being of my lot was being affected I left. I couldn't let them go through life being treated as they were.
It certainly sounds as if he doesn't even want to be a parent, so there won't be a course in the world that would make him change there.
My very best wishes.
Hello Skatandah
This is not an acceptable way for this man to be treating your daughter and I have to say that Social Services would possibly consider your daughter as "at risk". Yes, sometimes children will be motivated by fear of consequences (such as losing their pocket money or being grounded) but this is not in an angry way, more in the spirit of I am sorry but you need to learn that there are consequences to your actions, NOT the cruelty of "wash your mouth out with vinegar" !!!
You need to get yourself and your children out of this situation. What are the practical implications of this in terms of housing etc?
Good morning,
Anna - I feel a little niave or stupid, but what is a 'parenting course'? He does say that things need to change, and with us potentially going to Relate this will also address any 'frustration' issues.
Please dont get me wrong I am definately no angel by any stretch of the imagination and have contributed to the levels of frustration/neglect he feels, which i too need to address. I need to learn to not snap so quickly at him, not to be so sensitive to what is being said but maybe look a little deeper as to what it being said and not be so literal..the list of my personal fault can go on and on..
Sparklinglime - sorry, again I dont think I expressed myself very well, I did spend my christmas with my daughter and my family in the UK, but when it came to coming home she wished to stay the extra week with her grandparents (so she can be spoilt a little longer) rather than coming back and being 'bored' before school. Do you think that if there is a willingness to change for the better there is a possibility of rectifying the previous situation?
Louise - I totally and utterly agree this is not a way for anyone to behave. I also agree with your 'at risk' assessment, which is why I have walked out of house and taken my daughter away from the situation as it stood. Practical terms of housing is that I have very supportive friends with whom I can stay, and he is having to go back to his home country in February. The house is mine but he doesnt have the friend structure/network that I have, so thought it best for all that he stay for the interim period.
I suppose, in a very ineffective way, I am asking for either assurance or affirmation that this situation is unaceptable and if there are any suggestions to make it right or if i should stop flogging the cliched dead horse?
Hello again, so is the plan is that you move back into the house without him in February?
As for reassurance you are doing the right thing, you cannot live with a man who treats your child in that way. The Parenting courses that Anna mentions are courses in order to learn new parenting techniques, is he the sort of person who can realise he has been wrong and change his ways? If so then there may be a chance but I would urge you to put your children first (as indeed you are doing) and stick to your guns in the meantime
Hi Skatandah
You mention that you are no angel and the list of your own personal faults can go on and on and on. That is a fair enough comment, but I guess you are a good person essentially, who would thrive with a partner who loved and cared for you and your daughter.
I am concerned that you think that you contribute to his levels of frustration and neglect, that you mustn't be so sensitive, but you must look a little deeper into what has been said and not be so literal.
To me this all sounds like the words of an abusive person, when we have been in an abusive relationship we start repeating the rubbish that we have been told. It sounds as though you have been really reasonable and your partner is twisting your words and thoughts and making you feel incompetent.
Hi Skatandah, firstly welcome to One Space, this does indeed sound like an abusive relationship, it sounds like your saying that you are supposed to be the one that puts in all the effort and impliments the changes that your partner wants, marriage is supposed to be about both parties working together, i do know that this does not always happen for a mulititude of reasons.
I was wondering what the counsellor suggested to you? You have said that your partner was wanting to be part of your daughters life previously and because of circumstances and you were not comfortable with him disciplining her, he could have felt pushed out and has given up trying and that is why he is now wanting you to make all the moves, or it could be something else all together.
Are you afraid of your partner? do you still want to be with him? why is your daughter afraid of him? does she have contact with her biological father? Lots of question i know, but it will help us to answer your question.