Hi all
Not sure where to start to be honest....
I had been together with my husband for 17 years, married for 13 of them..
In my eyes we had a great / confortabel life, 3 boys, 8 , 9 , 12 and we did most things together. His job meant he would do alot of travelling abroad or being away in the week.
I have on occassion thought that there was something going on but put that down to being paranoid and on the odd couple of occasions I questioned it, he denied it and I believed him.
We had not been as close as I would of liked for the last 6 months and last week emailed him with my thoughts (I'm not the greatest person at saying everything I want to in person) however he came back to me with answers I didnt expect... That we had not been close for the last 12 months, it was mainly down to him but that we needed to maybe take a break and try and build our relationship up as maybe if left to run as it is it could of gone a bad way for us and the kids.
After a few conversations either way, this then turned into on Wednesday last week, that actually it wasnt a case of trying to repair anything it was over and that was the best thing for us... well him.
It was hard to take and we have had heated discussions, and then in the next breath really good conversations but I did then get my head round the fact we were over. However something still bugged me and I pushed him... pushed him to talk and give me an answer I didnt want to hear... 6 years into our marraige he had an affair for 6 months, when they said it was them or me and the kids, he chose me and the kids. He has then since not had relationships but one night stands mainly when abroad. I can;t believe he went out did this and then came home to me to play happy families. Why do they do that! It was so matter of fact, he had been to Amsterdam, Singapore apparently its there on plate who doesn't do it. even suggested that everyone does it... I dont believe that if you love your partner and are happily married you don't go anywhere and pay for it let alone have one night stands... thats what hurts.
Now we have moved the eldest in to share a room with his brothers, and we are in seperate bedrooms. we have told the boys who are understandbly upset but coping in their way. We are amicable, have to share the same house, I can't afford to buy him out, he cant afford to run two places. However it is awkward going round the house trying to be ok, when I really want to hate him and can't I just keep telling myself its for the boys.
My worry is as he has been the main wage earner and has always paid the bills on the house, I have always been the one who looked after the boys, paid their school childcare.
He has already come out with the line, technically it is his house as he pays all the bills but if sold it would be a 50:50 split . That alone worried me that he is hoping just to base this all just on the house and try and baffle me with not knowing what I am entitled to....
I'm confused, trying to come to terms with how life will be, we are staying to together until after xmas, when we can review where we are.
I don't know if I can/ should divorce him for adultery or just keep it civil or leave him to do it??
Sorry about the long post this is not half of it but we are talking and I am sending him all my feelings good and bad so that he can know how I feel, I know he wants us to end up with a good relationship even best friends, that can do birthdays maybe even holidays today... I think this is going to be hard...
sorry! but thanks for listening..I guess I really don't know what I should do..
Hello lainey, I do agree it is very important that you get legal advice soon. It will affect not only the house but the question of divorce.
I am sorry to raise this, but if he has had multiple partners and then come home to you, it would be sensible for you to have some health checks too.
You must be feeling so shocked and betrayed right now, we are here for you
Hi Lainey
Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.
I divorced my husband for adultery - it should be quite straightforward as he's already admitted it. It doesn't usually make any difference to the settlement but at least it means you don't have to wait 2 years if you don't want to.
I don't know how you are managing to stay under the same roof with him. Once we had broken up I found it intolerably stressful to live with my Ex-H.
I second what the others have said. Get clued up and also get thinking about what YOU want. You may have relied on him for a lot of things, you may even be quite dependant but this is one area you absolutely have to do it for yourself. You can't trust him to have your best interests at heart (or even the best interests of the boys - he's made that clear).
The other thing I would say is he most likely has a girlfriend atm. I'm just basing this on when I broke up with my exH I was on a marriage forum and with the majority of women in your position it turned out their OHs had another woman. I hope that's not the case but I just wanted to warn you so you can prepare yourseld.
Good luck and keep posting.
Gem
x
Hi all,
Thank you for your comments back it is really good knowing there are people out there who have been through it and come back with things I have not even thought of.
GoodEnoughMum -Re divorce I mentioned about you have to do the adultery thing within 6 month and he said go for it, it will save him the money... I don't know whether I should do it or leave it for him to do and pay.
It is a little stressful trying to not clash with each other too much with the boys around, but I am managing it at the moment, he works away a little so not too bad as he has a couple of days week away and is going away for a couple of weeks with work to Singapore... horrible thing it whilst he is around and not at home I still think what is he up to. I did ask him to promise not to do anything whilst still living with me but he couldnt do that.. He says he doesn't have anyone at the moment but it's not the first time I have asked and he has denied so can't believe that really. I have to ignore it so it doesn't eat away at me..
Louise - thanks for your message, It hadn't event crossed my mind re the Health issues there could be. So much so I broached it and got told where to go! in a of course I would never do that to you reply/ dont be silly..
SallyW - Thank you, I know I need to look down financial route, I have looked at so many sites on what I should be entitled to I'm just afraid when the conversation comes this is when it may turn bad if he thinks Im just after the money.. I have lived the life I have lived because I have been acustomed to it and thought we were a family but I think this will show the real feelings.
We have a holiday booked at Xmas in a cottage with the boys... we still plan to do these things for the boys but I know strength is what I am going to need...
Lainey
x
It sounds as if you are both thinking to keep things as they are? and that this has been driven by him. He cannot even promise you not to have any more one night stands!!! Sorry to be so harsh, lainey, I just think you are getting a really rough deal in that case.
I would definitely have the health checks, and I would DEFINITELY get some legal advice. Getting advice does not mean you have to go ahead with anything but it equips you better if you do decide that. I spent six months researching and sorting things before my marriage finally split up. I saw a solicitor, I moved bits of money around, so that when it all finally imploded, I was ready.
As Gem said, it's important to focus on what YOU want right now, not what he wants, but getting together the information will at least enable you to make some informed decisions.
Hi im really sorry to hear what ur going through
your head must be spinning at the moment, mine did when i initailly found out what ex was upto
reading ur first post first piece of advice id give is that it is crucial that you see a solicitor - they have free initial consultations at alot of places.
ur entitled to more than fifty percent as the kids im assuming will live with you , thats legally what the first consideration would be . not whose paid the most but whose needs are the first- in this case the kids.
see a solicitor and get some sound advice about all ur options
dont take legal or financial advice from ur husband- he will be thinking about himself not you
Hear, hear, chocolate81!
Hi chocolate81
I have been with my husband 14 years married 11 and moved countries for his job opportunities. That was not looked at.
A lot of money was involved and whereas at first he sounded reasonable he then hid a lot of money away during the divorce period which took 2 years in total. It took that long because we had children and residency and visiting were discussed.
Luckily the bank accounts were all in both names and I could show all that had come in and all that had gone out, could show all bona received etc so the settlement became more reasonable. I had officially the right to at least 60/40 and maybe maintenance, as I did not work and had the children but you will have to fight really hard for it and barristers do eat all the money away.
I did get a very fair settlement only because I could prove how much there was when I left.
My advice is sort all the paperwork out, check what is in your name, what is in his name and what is in both names. Make copies of all there is and solicitors can then work with it. I hope it will work out for you
Hi Chocolat81,
Sorry to hear about your predicament...it may get worse before it gets better, but once you're through to the other side, your life will be so much better!! I have been separated for 2 yrs 4 months, 4 children, 32 years married. We are eating beans and potatoes and toast but life has never been better.
Christmas 2012...did you have to sell the house? Did you decide to go for maintenance? I am going for maintenance, which he is fighting all the way. Barrister said I would be better off selling the house now rather than in 5 years time when my youngest is 18. I put 70% of the equity into the house, and I will get 50% due to the longevity of the marriage. How I wish I had not put savings into a joint asset!!!!
Big hugs to you both,
Mumx5inuk
Hi Mumx5inuk
The house is for sale now, as it was so big they reckoned it was too big for me and the children (2 boys) to live there but of course he as a single person is still staying there. It was said as I was not working I would not be able to pay for the maintenance of the house, but renting this cottage was so much higher.
As there was no mortgage on it so it would have been nice to stay until the youngest would be 18 as he is now 10, but I am glad now as it was a very big house to maintain and now I can purchase a 4 bedroomed house and be free, with very low cost as it is new built with no mortgage.
I would have liked spousal maintenance for myself as I was not working, and felt, I had the right to it but as "all of a sudden" his income dropped and there was a long discussion, because if you ask for spousal maintenance, and his income is not too high, child maintenance will drop heavily as first spousal maintenance is deducted from his income within the calculations and then as they pay your spousal maintenance, they ask for a review every year and you might find yourself losing spousal maintenance and then maintenance for the children might not be adapted.
So therefore child benefit, child tax credit and child maintenance worked out so much better for me, as I did not like to have it reviewed every year and have low child maintenance. I preferred the higher child maintenance as that was safer in my case and will not be reviewed.
It is really hard to decide which is best for you, all circumstances are different and I hope you can manage to have all relevant paperwork ready for your solicitor.
You are so very brave Mumx5inuk !!!
I really hope it will work out for you and Lainey and Chocolate 81 !!!
thank you xx
Thank you for writing, Christmas2012!! I understand why you chose to focus on child maintenance over spousal maintenance. In my case, having been married 32 years (and counting! the darned divorce drags on...) I have a good case for some spousal maintenance from now (age 53) until age 65.
It sounds like you feel that no one appreciates what you went through in terms of moving country for his career. Same here! I emigrated for my ex's (academic) career in 1994, have no extended family in the UK, have only been back to my home country 3 times since (can't afford--he goes every single year, has been back at least twice this year.) My mum used to come here to the UK to visit, but she's now 86 and can't really travel. Ex said, oh, we'll go to the UK for 5 years, and I said, "whoa, there's no guarantee that we'll be able to move back," and so it turned out.
He's planning on retiring to his home country in five years, and tells every new girlfriend that it's a definite requirement. If they won't move country in 5 years, he doesn't want to date them. And he doesn't seem to care that he'll be leaving his four children here, on a different continent!
It's part of the divorce negotiations that I'm asking for him to pay my UK citizenship costs and that of my two youngest children (a total of 2,600 pounds, each child is 700, even though both were born here!!)
Many thanks for listening! I have my 3-year post-cancer diagnosis mammogram tomorrow, so I am quite anxious about that. Will be glad when it's over!
All the best,
mumx5inuk
mumx5inuk i hope you get things finalised soon, best wishes for today 
I will keep my fingers crossed for you today mumx5inuk I feel for you, especially having to go through this with no family in this country, let us know how you are, big hug !
xxx
Thanks for your encouraging messages, Sally and Christmas2012!!
Hugs back x x
well........ where we are at presently...
He ha admited he ha someone else and has done for the last two months, but I can't fixate on that as she is not the reason we are over. She is going through the same in order to leave her husband and has kids involved.
I am (sort of) over him (not really I suppose) but have resigned myself to the fact he doesn't love me in that way anymore, he does care for me and wants to do right over what now happens to me and the boys.
we have discussed that he will be living in the house for the forseeable future, he is out and about most of November. We have a xmas planned in the lakes where we will be all together for one last time. I am mentally prepared for that. However I have told him that after that, it is going to be really hard still having him around. Seeing him all the time, knowing he has moved on with his life and until he moves out I really cant.
He possibly has a new job in January, and with that and moving out it is likely to be feb/mar before he leaves. It will be a tough time trying to deal with it, but when I mention that he says he has to be sensible and if I cant deal with it get a court order.... how mature hey.
I don't want to get into nasty only going through laywers if I can help it.
My predicament now, which certainly raised its head last night is this :
I think what he is planning to do is pay an amount monthly into our joint account to cover the bills for the house. Call it the Child Maint plus alittle extra, I live in the house with the boys and as it only has 10 years left on a small mortgage it makes no sense to sell which I agree and at the end of 10 years or sooner if we decide that maybe we need to sell we will split the equity from this, and to get a seperation order? set up agreeing to the above.
However I am wondering am I just giving in and should be happy with that or should I be getting more than just money for the kids. He is well paid, has pensions, savings etc. I have no savings, no pensions. I don;t want to go down the road of taking him to solicitors to get this out of him as going on last night when he read a FAQ printout on financial matters, he took it to heart and told me to forget our agreements and get a solicitor. He thinks I won't if needed cause of money.
What am I entitled to ? Do I just accept what he is suggesting and trust he is doing it for our benefit which really do think he is, but hoping I dont try to push for what he has pension / etc. I don't know..... Or rather than doing that I agree to the monthly payment, plus maybe a sum to clear my bills and the house when we decide and leave it at that.... I really don't know what to do. I know I should see a solicitor just for advise but have not brought myself to do this yet...
Thanks for listening... xx
Hi Lainey,
I do feel for you as there are many options for you and it must be so confusing..as to your rights Lainey I know there is expert advice on this website you could try to write them your circumstances and also you are entitled to 30 minutes free advice from a solicitor before they start charging you. Even if you pay them maybe for an hour it might be worth it as all circumstances are different.
I received 25% of his pension as we were living together since 14 years but married 11. It was a lot because it was such a good pension and also you have the right to it.
I could have stayed in the house until the youngest was 18 (he is 10 now) but at the same time, because I was not working, it was said the house was too big for me to maintain (it had no mortgage) so I had to rent, which was 700 a month plus utilities which was far more, than what I would have paid just maintaining the big house.
Spousal maintenance depends again on your circumstances and his. They take his salary, then deduct the spousal maintenance (reviewed yearly) and then they calculate child maintenance. What would be better for you, higher spousal maintenance which is reviewed or higher child maintenance ? You really need all your paperwork and expert advice. I really hope it will work out for you soon. As long as finances are not sorted out, solicitors costs will just be paid out of the joint monies,
why don't you first try the 30 minutes free advice and then decide, maybe things feel clearer then which road to take? xx
Hello lainey, so many factors affect this decision and it is vital to have some legal advice, it does not mean you neccessarily ask a solicitor to act for you but you find out how to protect you and the kids. However nice he seems to be about it now, you have no guarantees for the future and if things progress with this other woman, who knows what pressure she may put him under?
You can write to our Legal Expert (click) or see a solicitor in person but please, please do get professional advice.
Hi how u doing? And hows everything now?
I saw hat u guys still gona go away on holiday for xmas. what it came to me was its should be a bit strange/ confusing for the boys hs they were told mum and dadnot together but still living in the same house nd we going away for holidays. i guess if u came to a decision on if u are going to get a divorse, maybe it would be easier that the boys start to see that actually mum and dad are not together anymore..
Im only say tht because i still remember when my mum and dad brok up, they were always hiding everything from me because i was 8 or 9 and from one day to the other my dad just left and now i feel that if i knew from day one what was going on that it wouldnt get shocked the way i was...
But i hope all the best for you and the boys.. and that everything works out for u xx
It's interesting to have the perspective of someone who has the experience of their parents separating, thanks TaniaM
Hi lainey, that sounds like one tough week that you have had, and i'm not surprised that you don't know what to do right now.
You have lot's to think about and you have your boys to consider too. At this point you could start looking into the financial side of things so that you are prepared further down the line, see this link for more information.
You may want to consider getting some legal advice so that you know where you stand regarding the house etc you can always post a message to our Legal expert for advice.
Do you have friends or family that you can go to for support?