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I have two neighbours who are sort of my friends too, but not really as we lead our lives totally differently.
They both have daughters the same age as mine and their daughters are always at my house. I dont mind as I prefer my daughter home where I can see her so the kids often play at mine.
Problem the two mums and one in particular, seem to be taking advantage of my good nature. Thing is, whenever the children are at mine if I make some dinner I will always give them some too, that is just how my family is. However I have noticed that the mums have started to take it for granted that I will feed their kids. On Monday for example the two girls knocked on around 10 am (the norm) and were still here at 7.30pm when I sent them home having fed them lunch and dinner. One of the mums jokes that she is gonna start giving me her child benefit as her daughter spends more time at mine than hers.
The issue I have with the other mum is that I pick up her daughter from school 3 days a week because she works till 5pm, but tonight for example she did not get back till 7.30pm and she immediately said can I just leave her here 10 mins while I nip to the shop??!!! And for the last two weeks she has text me at ten to three saying some drama has happened and can i pick her daughter from school (this is on the days she doesnt work). Its started getting on my nerves but I feel for her daughter because I know if i dont do it she will be left to her own devices, she has spent time in care in the past and I would hate this to happen to her again.
Your right lrh, but i am so soft when it comes to kids. I know one of the girls (the one I dont collect from school) has some issues at home her parents are always arguing - she has knocked on at mine at 8am before now because they were at it, and she stayed the whole day. I feel sorry for her mum because I think the kids dad is a bit of a jerk so I let her stay over a lot and stuff.
But the other one, I know her mum is taking the mick, one day she arrived back from "work" at 10pm after texting she had an important meeting and when she arrived she was drunk!!! I have told her mum today that after this week I cant collect her daughter any more because I am doing a work placement (which is true) so that will nip that in the bud, but its just other things like tomorrow all our kids hve to make cakes for brownies and she just aked me will I make the cakes with her daughter if she buys the cake mix?! I agreed because I am quite close with these girls they call me their 2nd mum, and i find it hard when she comes round and tells me theres no electric in her house or when I have sent her home in the past her mum isnt even home!!! Ill text her and be like where are you and she always says she nipped shop and comes back an hour later! In situations like that I feel I have no choice but to feed her etc and I dont have the heart to turn a child away from my door.
I have had a go at her mum several times on one occassion it was a full blown row, because little angel begged screamed and mithered to sleep at her house (its 2 doors away) I relented and went over to the mum and clearly set out my expectations only to look out of my window at 9pm to see my 7 yr old playing on the street - I went mental! And since then my daughter has been banned from going to her house and her mum knows this. I have issues with how she parents her daughter but I feel her daughter loves coming here so much I dont want to stop her.
Such a hard situation your in, it must be very hard as young children are involved but I'm afraid I agree with LRH on this one...it needs to stop, the other girls are not your responsability and they are taking advantage. Did you say anything where the mum turned up drunk? you just need to tell her straight "I don't mind picking her up but you must collect her as soon as you finish work as I have things to get on with" they know your a soft touch (which isn't a bad thing) so you need to put them straight, in a nice tone. as for the other mother expecting you to feed her child, agreeing with LRH again and send them home at meal times....you have your own child to think about. these parents are being very selfish and lazy. Maybe explain to the mum that you can not afford to feed their child and are not the type of person to eat in front of other people, so could they maybe collect their children around certain times,
Yeah I know you guys are right, I have let it go on for too long and the kids have got used to it but its time their parents took some responsibilty.
When she came home drunk I didnt speak to her I was fuming, her poor daughter had fallen asleep on my sofa. I just totally blanked her and she knew I was fuming and was home early for a good couple of weeks after that. Its an impossible situation when the child is sat in your house coz there isnt much you can do I just put my daughter to bed as normal and played games with the little girl till she got tired, I could tell she just wanted to go home and get in her bed. I have lectured her mum a few times about putting her daughter first etc she usually cries and vows to change but a couple of weeks later she back to where she started.
It is definitely about taking a stand, little angel as otherwise this will only get worse and escalate into a massive problem. And you CAN'T afford to keep feeding an extra mouth. I know it is sad for her daughter but the mother just "knows" that you will feed her, wow, can you imagine just not bothering to provide for a child and hoping someone else will look after them? Basically you are running an unpaid childminding service. Would you feel any different if the mother did acknowledge what you are doing and gave you money every week? or is it more that you feel you have been a mug? The mum could use an after school club, or example.
There's a world of difference between being an emotional support for a troubled child and being landed with several cuckoos in the nest!
Hi Louise,
The mum does pay me £5 per day to watch her daughter from school finish till 7pm (very rarely home at that time tho). But it are the days she isnt working that are a problem really, because her child is at mine generally every day unless I go out (sometimes I am forced to take her daughter out with me if her mum does a disappearing act!) The cost of feeding both the girls etc isnt the problem for me really I grew up having extra kids at the table all the time, because my mum was exactly like me as was her dad, we just cant stand to see a child go with out (we even had kids stay with us for weeks at a time). For me it is just the little things that neither of these mums can be bothered with like me baking the cakes with the girls, admittedly they offered to pay for the ingredients but I dont see why they dont do the baking?! and homework is generally done at my house or any new games etc the kids come running to mine to open them and play them here. I dont think these kids get the attention they need so I end up filling in the gaps.
Occassionally, I put my foot down and dont let the kids come over because I will say I am studying or something, but then I look out the window and the kids are playing in my garden!!! Like I said one of the mums jokes all the time that I should claim child benefit for her daughter but she never really keeps her daughter home. Its so hard as I am really close with both these girls and they are so good for me (apparantly they are a nightmare for their own parents) Its like we have formed an attachment.
Hello little angel, I guess it is a case of the "b" word then? nothing rude, just "boundaries" You have to have a hard think about what yours are and then reinforce them assertively. Can you put a gate up so they aren't in your garden? Normally I would suggest that you could say to the other mum, right I had them lad Tuesday so are you going to have them this Tuesday, but it sounds as if she is not the sort of mum you want to leave angel with!!
No, I really prefer angel to be in my house as their homes are more chaotic. I did the cakes with them today after school and sent them home. Muggins here normally takes the girls to Brownies and picks them up but I sent the girls home with their cakes and told them to tell their mums they had to take them. I felt a little bad as the girls were wondering why they couldnt hang out here as normal but i just said I had a headache.
I feel, personally, that you would enjoy have these girls round if you were only with them for a short time - i have a friend who won't bake with her kids so they always come to mine to do baking but she doesn't take advantage and if ever the kids stay for tea it is recipricol at other times.
If you break the habit then you would enjoy having the kids in to play or do a bit of baking with them or give them some biscuits and juice.
If you felt there was real neglect then you would have to do something about that - if its just attention and a bit of love and affection these kids need then you will do that by having them round for short periods
It is such a difficult dilemma but if these parents have not stepped up by now they are certainly not going to if you keep stepping in and bailing them out
Don't feel guilty - you are doing the right thing
Hi littleangel just been reading this post and have to say it is all about having boundaries, and your right they are abusing your good nature, what came to mind is that saying about being cruel to be kind and i think that is what is needed in this case.
If you have concerns for these children you need to be either raisng it with the parents and maybe trying to support them to get help or reporting it. I do understand where you are coming from though, with wanting to be there for them, but at the end of the day that won't help the parents get their acts together.
Thanks guys.
I am gonna work on the boundaries, its been the cause of many arguments with me and my partner so its time I took some action.
I dont have neglect concerns but just feel the girls needed a little more than they get, bu I know that their parents have many issues and reasons why this isnt the case. Part of it is my fault too, because little angel is an only child and I always wanted her to have other children to play with so I encouraged the kids coming over to begin with but it has gone a bit too far now.
Spoke too soon - just got a call requesting I pick her daughter up from school she stook in town and next bus not for 30 mins. What do you do?! I said I would get her...
Hi littleangel, of course you would go and get her, I would too, until I had stated where I stand with things.
Ok so how about thinking about what days and times suit you.
I can imagine you are quite happy as and when, but these parents need to know what is acceptable. They obviously think that you love it and have no problem with it.
If you were to say to the friend who's daughter you pick up for a £5, that if there is any change from the usual you will want to charge her extra - you can say 'I am making some changes in my life and I was considering charging £10 per after school (which personally I still think is excellent value, compared to 'real' childcare) however instead, I will only charge you the extra fiver on days that you are late, stuck in town, in the pub or at meetings.
If you set days that the girls can all play together - 3 - 6pm Mon, Tues and Thurs, then on a Wednesday, you can still invite them over, but as a proper invite rather than 'just because'.
This can then include supper, cake making and extra activities - but on a day that suits you.
Thats quite a good idea that Anna, I am gonna think up some kind of plan like that. Luckily I wont be collecting her daughter no more (which is good as she doesnt go same school as angel and it always a mad dash) as I will be on a work placement for uni but the girls will be at my door the second they see my car hit the street so I am gonna think of a routine for them.
the hard part is me and little angel are very close with these girls they are like our little extra family. I didnt let them play over today as I do think their mums are getting to me but me and angel were both a bit lost without them. Little angel had a bit of a sulk but we eventually got to doing our own thing.
Its our 'mother/daughter day' tomorrow (me and angel always have saturday as our special time from when I used to work mon-fri and Sunday is cleaning day) normally me and angel go somewhere - tomorrow is cinema - and we come back and have 'mother-"daughters" day' with the other two and they often sleep over but I told them that I am changing sleepovers to once a month. i am getting there slowly...
Good for you littleangel!
I think that it is easier to have a bundle of children hanging around the house as then you can get on with what you need/want to do rather than be the 'entertainer', but although you felt a bit lost initially but eventually you got down to doing your own thing, which is lovely.
I was just saying on another thread actually, that it is so important that our children learn how to entertain themselves too.
I hope you have a lovely mother/daughter day today - what a great idea.
Keep thinking boundaries and rules, we are right behind you 
I have managed to set some boundaries and have had a house free of other peoples kids for most of the week.
WOW that is a good achievement, little angel, well done to you
Brilliant, well done you! 
How are you finding it?
Thanks guys,
Its a work in progress, I have resumed caring for the neighbours daughter when I finish work until her mum gets home - I really felt I had to as the neighbour has no family round here. She didnt collect her daughter until 10.30pm the other night and I had to have serious words with her but since then its been ok x
Gosh 10.30, that is late. For you as well as for her daughter. Glad you had a word, there needs to be a cut-off time.
Firstly I would say yes they are taking advantage so nip it in the bud now - you can't be responsible for the childcare of others.
I would send the kids home at meal times and then say they are welcome to come back after you have all eaten
If she texts you and ask you to pick up her daughter on days you don't normally then I would text back and say it is not convenient
Stop feeling guilty - you are in a corner - you either feel guilty or resentment - so its a no win situation but if you let it go on it will only get worse - these kind of situations would normally be reciprical but they are obviously not
Feel like I am preaching - I am trying not to but you have to stop it now before you find yourself in too deep - if you end up being concerned that her daughter is not being fed or cared for then you can take action but she is not your responsibility