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Hi there,
I am new to this but thought I would give it a go as I could do with some advice regarding my 13yr old son and my partners children.
My son is an only child and his dad left 3 years ago. His dad has never been a "hands-on" dad so basically he has only had me to look up to.
My son has always got on really well with my partners youngest child who is 11. Last year they had a few altercations but nothing major until we were on holiday. They were play fighting and my son tripped over my partners son and accidentally kneed him in the nose which started to bleed. My partners son said my son (J) did it on purpose but we saw it and know that he didn't. When we got back from holiday he told his mum and it all kicked off with her accusing J of being a bully which is not true. Ever since then I have been walking on egg shells whenever he is here making sure that J doesn't do anything that can be perceived as bullying.
It then kicked off big time last night. My partners son locked J in the garden for a joke, which has been done many times before on both sides. When I went into the kitchen J was in the garden and said he had been locked out. I went to the door and it had been reopened. J walked in and as he walked past my partners son he slapped him across the face! I went mental and sent him to his room for the rest of the night. When my partner took his kids home he explained to his ex wife what had happened and she seemed to accept it only for an hour later to send me an text accusing my son of assualting her son and threatened to report him if it happened again. I am now dreading the next time they come here.
I don't know what to do as my son isn't a violent person but he does seem to have a short temper, like his father, but he has never done this before.
Sorry to go on but I am at my wits end today. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for your reply. I have explained to J that he shouldn't have lashed out and he is very sorry. He apologised to my partners son but I decided it was best to keep them apart.
I know boys will be boys but as my son is an only child he's not really used to being with other children for the amount of time we have them. He has had to give up half his room for the youngest one and the other one does have a tendency to lash out as well but that conveniently gets forgotten when my son does something to him!
Hi
You were right in telling your son he shouldn't have lashed out.
However, I think your partner's son needs to take some responsibility here too though. This locking a child in the garden happens here and it does result in anger and not laughter (well the one doing the locking laughs).
I really don't see how you can stop the 'telling tales' to his Mum though, as they will support their own child's version of the event. (My ex FiL will always take his son's side, and his son is 51!!)
It's not something I've had experience of, but I can imagine how diffiucult it is...
Hi SparklingLime,
Thanks for this. We find it best if my partner tells his ex-wife what's gone on before the son has a chance, however once we leave, who knows what goes on. His daughter who is also 13 tends to stick up for her brother and she pokes her nose into it too and makes it worse.
We had his 3 all last week and they got on really well which shows they can do it but one little incident and it blows up. The ex does have a tendency to blow things out of proportion and is not a nice person, but to text me with threats is out of order. I am still upset today although my partner says to ignore her as it is just the way she is. I was tempted to text her back but thought that would only lower myself to her level so I didn't.
It is nice to be able to talk to someone who is an outsider. Thanks very much.
If it were me, and this is after I received some horrid texts of my ex' wife last year, just delete the texts without reading them.
She has no reason to contact you. Contact should be with the Dad. You're not involved.
I have a seperate mobile for The Git and if there's a mobile number on there I don't recognise (his does show up as Dad and not The Git, as much as I'd love to change it) I delete without reading.
Knocked me for six those texts did. I put her name to the number (again, I didn't put The Gittess, but wanted to 
) so I know I won't read them.
You were right not to text her back too. I did, although just to say that what ever I would have done would have been wrong. I didn't say what I felt should have been done.
I don't have her number saved in my phone and didn't recognise the number so started to read it. I am glad i didn't text back because that would have opened a new can of worms!!! My partner didn't either. I just hope she was put out because we didn't respond!
Glad you didn't text back. It is nothing to do with you, she is trying to get at your son through you.
I know it might feel hard for your partner as he does not see his son all the time but how HE behaves now is the vital factor as to whether this is solved or not.
Of course you cannot watch them all 24/7 but you both need to keep a more nosey eye on them for a while, till this settles down. You need to work AS A TEAM and make sure that all three children are aware that the rules are the same for all of them ie no violence, no locking in/out even as a "joke". In fact, remove the key if possible so this can't happen again. Have a short family meeting reinforcing these rules. Your partner must be seen by all the children, including his own, to be in agreement with this.
The boy will no doubt defend himself to his mum and blame others, it seems sad that she cannot see that. On the other hand, you need to make sure your son understands that he perhaps needs to back off a bit (although he needs to be reassured, by your partner, that the other boy will be dealt with so he does not feel the need to deal with it himself)
Hi Louise,
Thanks for this. My partner is really good and sees things from both sides. We have his children quite a lot he's not just a fortnightly dad. I've told my son to walk away in future if anything my partners son does winds him up. What his mother doesn't seem to get is that after my son had slapped him her son started kicking and punching my son. But that obviously doesn't matter. Quite honestly it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other but son always seems to end up with the blame.
We always get the kids together and discuss things with them like this, not sure what else we can do.
You're handling it as it should be handled, getting the children together and discussing it all. Well done too for not texting your partner's ex back. Not sure how I would have re-acted in those circumstances. I'd like to think I would also have ignored. Take care
Hi there,
Very difficult for me not to have texted back but I'm glad I didn't. Everything was sorted here as far as we were concerned, my son was dealt with and he apologised, but I knew the minute he was dropped back home things would be said and she would be texting. I didn't think she would text me though, she's never done that before!
I've decided it might be an idea for my partner to have his children somewhere else for a while, may at his mum's where he used to live before he moved in with me. I think we could all do with a bit of space after having them all for 3 weeks of the summer holidays!
A bit of space might also be a good idea for a while. Do you think your partner will be in aggreement over this? Why has she actually got your mobile number anyway? Did your partner's son also apologise to your son?
He won't be happy about it but at the end of the day we need to do what's best for everyone.
She's got my number for emergencies just in case she can't get hold of my partner as where he works he doesn't get good reception. I'm thinking of changing it though.
No he didn't, I must confess I was so concerned about my son apologising to him I didn't think to get him to apologise too. Mind you if you had seen the look on his face when J apologised to him I don't think he would have anyway.
Hi BuggzyB
I wonder if your partners son is a little jealous of your son, because his dad is with him all the time? That is why he feels the need to go home to his mum and tell tales. He might be envious of his dads relationship with your son or just the amount of quality time they get together.
We all want our parents to have undivided attention for us, perhaps your partner could take just this son out on his own for some 'special time'??
Hi Anna,
I did think that a while ago, he tends to do stuff with his oldest son who is 15, taking him to football, rugby, cricket etc, but the younger one and the daughter don't do anything. Perhaps I should suggest he takes his youngest out somewhere, just the two them. It usually works out that he takes his oldest to whatever activity he is doing and I am left taking the others out so perhaps you could be right.
Thanks so much
Hi BuggzyB, that would be great if you could manage to sort that out, your partner should also spend quality time with his daughter too, it is soo important for all our children to get one on one time with a parent. It gives them value, self worth and identity.
Good luck, let us know if he thinks this is a good idea.
Hello BuggzyB. Welcome along to One Space
It does sound like your son retaliated against this boy for locking him out. Does your son realise that he shouldn't have lashed out? I'm sure you've explained it all to him. I do think the other boy has to be told not to keep playing pranks, although all kids do this of course. I don't really know what to suggest, but others here will be able to offer advice. Try not to worry too much about your partners ex. Take care.