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My teenager is not coming home at night. He comes and goes as he pleases, doesn't eat food that I have prepared, sleeps late and is generally unco-operative. I know that this is probably the same for all teenagers but what do I do? He is too old to be grounded and anyway just wouldn't be, he is 6 feet tall so standing at the door and blocking him doesn't work anymore. I have told him that the house rules mean he is to be in at 10.30 on week nights (I need to sleep, I work full time) but he rarely takes any notice. Any ideas?
Hi Roxy
Good luck with your teenager, he sounds like my brother used to be, he never did anything my mum told him and cos he was so massive, she couldn't control him physically so she spent hours arguing, shouting and sometimes ignoring him - he just did the same back. i agree with what Anna said, do stuff with him, get him on your side, don't keep fighting him. Just so you know he is now married and has two children and he thinks the world of my mum and is always doing stuff for her!
I have got a daughter and all i can say is thank heaven for little girls!!
hey roxy
i think anna's advice is fantastic. i have a 15 year old that i was having a difficult time engaging with positively for a while but i've dedicated wednesday nights to him, he chooses what we do together and the time is undivided. sometimes he just wants to hang out at home and watch a film so it doesn't have to cost a lot. my commitment to him is that i dont do housework or my own stuff while its his time and our relationship has improved massively. i find if we dont spend that time together then the influence on him from his peers has an impact on his respect for me, in a negative way. so we never cancel but if for some reason we cant make wednesday then i ask him if we can swap it to another evening. its working and communication is so much more positive. i seem not to have to shout anymore and we're enjoying each other again. it is tough but see it as another phase and sometimes it means we have to change our behaviour aswell. good luck with it all, debbie
That's great to hear Debbie, well done, it's sounds like you found a working solution. Hopefully you will find that helpful Roxy, don't forget to let us know how you got on. :)
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time Roxy. There is some excellent advice already been given. I have older step children who are in their 20's now. But when they went through the rebellious stage (I was with their Mum then) even with the 2 of us we struggled with them. They ignore groundings or get out of windows. Sometimes kids want you to react and yell and shout and when you do the opposite of what they expect it worries them. Don't prepare meals, don't let them see that they are bothering you
Thanks so much everyone. I have taken some of your advice and spent time with him. This has meant watching Dr Who which isn't really my bag but it got us together. We are also playing cards a bit. I have realised that 10.30 was too early for a young man (nearly 18) and have said midnight which he is delighted about and has stuck to so far. We are getting on better and he has started hugging me again and saying 'love ya lots' at the end of phone calls. I am trying hard to not sweat the small stuff and not nag him too much about cups and plates and clothes and lights left on so that he doesn't feel that I am on his case the whole time which seems to make it easier to discuss the more serious stuff like safety, coming in etc.
Thanks again. I felt quite alone and don't anymore!
Hi everyone. I am new to this site. I have 3 boys (14,16,18) -What fun! I have found it very useful to have a certain tie each week for our 'family conflab' this means for a short while we all sit down to talk about anything that either of us needs to say. I am very careful to say something complimentary to each of them everyday (even when it means telling a little lie!!). I did this with my daughter (now32) and she remembers how good it made her feel. All individuals need boundries but these can also be a little flexible on certain occations I am very lucky in that my kids love having a houseful of friends round but they respect the house rules and I love seeing them. I am also lucky in that I run my own business from home and this allows me to be somewhat flexible with my time. When my husband left 8 years ago, I had three very disturbed kids. I found out about a year later that they had been physically and sexually abused. this is not a time that is good to think about but I felt so stongly that I could help other people going through these sort of challenges that I am now an NLP/ life coach. By the way, I have now got the most loving, caring and well ballanced teenagers.
vanessa
Hi Vanessa, thanks for sharing with us, it sounds like you have had a very rocky journey over the last few years, but have come to a happy place. Well done you, I hope you acknowledge the great job you have done.
The responses to this discussion have been really supportive and what seems to have come out of it is the need for us to spend quality time with our teenagers and keep telling them positive things about themselves, they do come around eventually!
Are all issues with teenagers very general? Or does anyone have a specific problem that you would like to share and get support from other single parents who have been there or can share pearls of wisdom?
Hi All
You were so helpful last time, I thought I'd give you another go! Once again, I am sure my problem is common and normal for parents dealing with teenagers but I just thought I'd see how other people feel about money and teens. My son tells me that his mates get £25 a week pocket money. I think this is a lot of money and am encouraging my son to find weekend/evening work. I don't mind getting him the things he needs but he seems to need trainers that cost over a hundred pounds and won't have any jeans or tops or coats, they have to be designer. He talks about all his mates parents paying for driving lessons and buying mopeds and cars and phones and mp3 players, sometimes I think yeah yeah course they are but actually I think some of them do. I think my son should earn some money, and if he helps at home I will give him an allowance (I was thinking of the Child Benefit money), what do other parents do?
Examples of what works for other single parents would be great.
Roxy.
Hi Roxy
Everybody lives in balance with their earnings. If we earned £50,000 a year, a £1,000 holiday would not seem expensive, so maybe your sons friends have parents who earn heaps of money and they feel they are giving their children a fair percentage for pocket money.
It is important for teenagers to learn that money doesn't come for free, I like your idea about the child benefit, if you feel you can afford to give it up to him, but maybe he can do jobs around the house, more than just chores, to EARN it. Maybe you have neighbours who he could help out, it would give him a good work ethic and a sense of pride and achievement.
There was recently a programme called Blood, Sweat and Tshirts, it followed 6 students who were into their fashion and designer clothes and took them to India to learn how, where and who was making their clothes. It was very shocking for them and they all turned their ideas around when they realised that people live and work in squalid conditions for pittance, to provide the western world with clothes that we just don't need. Ask him to have a look at the website, so you can have a discussion about it and his NEED for expensive clothes.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/thread/blood-sweat-tshirts/
Good Luck and let us know how you got on Roxy :)
I have a 13 year old daughter and our relationship is very often terrible these days. I've always been on my own with her and we don't have any family nearby, the relatives we do occasionally see have never developed any kind of particular connection with her and her dad is next to useless and non existent in the equation. (Which means that she also does suffer the absent parent syndrome.) So it's always been me and her and in recent times especially, that has become very intense.
I don't think I deal with any of it very well, even tho I feel like I'm always scrabbling round to try to improve our situation. I often make it worse.
Meanwhile her domain as a teenager has broadened out into absurd lengths of time spent on the pc on Bebo (I loathe that ****ing site!) provoking me to set boundaries which she invariably breaks, provoking me to nag/offer ultimatums/get cross which of course fires off another argument. Then there's the lying in bed til late morning, the dirty nickers lining her bedroom floor along with everything else (which doesn't bother me til it comes to her refusing to pick them up so guess what, more nagging and yes more arguments). And along with modern technology comes the texting. So when she gets the opportunity on weekends sometimes to send free ones, that is literally what she does obsessively and for hours if she could. I set boundaries, she breaks them and hey it all happens over again. I reckon it was all a lot easier when it was just arguments over what she could and couldn't watch on the TV.
I think what makes it so chronic is that she's reached a point where she doesn't want to do anything so what she was doing for fun: swimming, pony-riding, she's no longer interested in and there is absolutely nothing I can find short of going to the cinema (which she prefers to do with her friends anyway) that we can do together. Things that I suggest like bike riding (which we used to do) art and crafty stuff (which we used to do) are just off her scale of interest. So basically we do nothing together. I keep throwing the ball into her court so as to come up with something but no. Next week she's off on holiday with friends - I can't afford to go - (and they offered.) I don't know whether this is good or bad. Probably good in that she'll have a fun time - I hope but bad in that I'll not be there to share it with her.
It so often feels like she feels, because of our situation of one to one, that she is on the same level as me rather than on the parent child scale (unless it's to do with the way I dress which she's frequently critical of!!) and to soem degree, obviously lesser, it's always felt like that. I'm getting so tired ans fed up with it. She's quite an introverted girl too so it's always hard to get her interests up on anything or to get her to share thoughts about things. I invariably find out more about what's going on in her life when her friends come round as they're far more communicative.
Flip this is such hard work. Anybody have any thoughts/ suggestions??
Hi Suzan!! :D I am smiling because although you sound at your wits end, it is like i just wrote your message! It is making me laugh and i really haven't been in any mood for laughing recently! My daughter is also 13, we do have a bit of family nearby, but there is no connection, (not like some grandparents who want to take their grandchildren out, just because the sun is shining!) We see them at Christmas and Easter but where is the bond, i often wonder?? We only see her dad when he rings my doorbell for about 5 minutes - like an idiot, we look out of the window and he is hopping up and down and waving his arms like a lunatic, luckily my daughter is just not interested, but actually that seems her point of view generally these days!
My daughter is also quite introverted and it is difficult to get her to talk about stuff, friendships seem to be a massive issue, she never invites her friends over, she only visits them when they call her, i don't get it, i ask her why she doesn't and she just squirms around and says there is nothing to do at our house...... so the Xbox and the video player and the cd player in her room, never get used, she spends her whole time hanging around me. My friend says that its because we are so close that she has no need for friends, well on one hand thats lovely, but on the other hand, where did i go wrong, i am like you we are very much on an equal pegging, i do have the control, just about, but the mother child thing went out the window years ago.
One thing that my daughter does like to do is go shopping! She has been twice with friends and hated it and won't go with them again, but we genuinely have a good time going to Primark and then eating a pastie! Cheap and cheerful!
I hope you enjoy the week your girl is away, do lots of YOU things, have a hair cut, go out in the eve til midnight! She needs to have her time, to enjoy her space, let her, you might miss her, but you will soon be getting on each others nerves again!
God its great to meet you, let me know how its going, my kids supposed to be going camping with my friend and her 10yr old today, but we haven't heard from them since last week?? Dunno if she will go now, but i can't wait for that meeeee time!
Ciao for now 8-)
Hi wiseowl
Have only just now read yr reply. Thankyou! It is lovely to hear from you and sorry about the late reply. I'll have to make this brief tho as things are happening for me which I must attend to. I just wyou to know that I'm here, still alive and kicking! We've had a great summer - ever since my girl went off to Portuagal. She came back (during which time yes, I went to hairdressers and went walking in rain for crop circles - wonderful!!) we then went off on a couple of trips one to Wales and the other to our old haunt of Tribe of Doris where we both got into our own things and only glimpsed each other for a couple of minutes each day.
Right now things are good. We've had people to stay with their kids this week, so many distractions. It really does make a huge huge diffenrence to our own relationship when it isn't just me and her alone. If only there cld be more of it.
Stay well
Suzan xx
Hi Suzan
Your lucky girl having a holiday in Portugal!! And lucky you having time to yourself! I know what you mean, me and mine get on much better when there is other people around, but i think that's normal, it would be the same with an adult, even a best friend,spending all the time under the same roof, in each others pockets, but it makes it harder because we are disciplinarian as well as sole provider and companion.
I worked most of the summer and had to arrange stuff for my girl to do with friends of mine and their kids. The best thing tho, was when she started senior school she learnt that at the end of year 8 they go to Alton Towers, when the time came she had glandular fever so couldn't go.......one of her school friends took her last week for 2 nights at the on-site hotel with water park and was completely spoilt! She hasn't stopped talking of it since! :)
I guess you are back to school and all, how is it going?? We just found out that she has to do another half an hour of homework a night, poor baby, i hated homework and very rarely did it, often copying other peoples work the morning it needed to be in, but although she was devastated, she has knuckled down and got on with it.
Speak soon
Hi,i left my long term partner 5 months ago.... It was a very controlling relationship.
I am much more relaxed in my home now....my 2 daughters left with me.... my 6 yr old sees her daddy every day,the 13yr old goes maybe once a wk.I am having a nightmare at present with my 13yr old!! she is becoming very spoilt and selfish and very disrespectfull towards me!!
I feel like we are at logga heads all the time.... i only ask her to do a couple of chores to help,but it's like i ask the world!! she shouts,laughs at me!!! argues about everything possible.... she says so many hurtful things to me......... i need some advice on how to deal with her!! I cry at times with guilt and often doubt myself on wether i have done the right thing in leaving the family home.... I left for myself and my girls.....my 13yr old was so sad living with him,he used to shout and put her down too,so i got out and feel a failure now....... HELP PLEASE!!!!
Hi hunny
Welcome to One Space, I have moved your post here so people can chip in with ideas rather than it getting lost in chat and daily updates.
All 13 year old girls are a real challenge, believe me, and want to test your boundaries at every touch and turn. I hope you have got your "reading head" on as there are some links to articles here and here.
Also, please please please buy this book, which will explain a great deal about the world of the teenager! It is about STAYING CALM and CHOOSING YOUR BATTLES. Do the reading and see what I mean, and gradually, slowly, we will help you get the control back 
Do not feel guilty, feel proud of yourself that you have escaped from what could have been a very destructive relationship!
Hi
I'm sorry your daughter is being so challenging. She may be 13 but even "ignore" can be effective rather than trying to come up with a response.
Also keep repeating what you want to get through to her. In theory she'll get fed up of hearing it and will then do the chore - probably in a temper, but it could well get it done.
I know its tiring...
Hi hunny
Well done you! Big clap on the back for leaving a controlling relationship, its not an easy thing to do, especially as he will have tried to use all his power to keep you there, probably undermining you all the way.
Your 13 year old has a lot of healing to do, although she may not understand that yet. If her father was a confidence destroyer, she is probably feeling on rocky ground, not liking herself very much and you are getting the brunt of it.
Spending quality time with her and giving her lots of praise will help. Slowly slowly at this point.
Perhaps you could say to her, that the last 6 months have been really difficult for all of you and you would like to spend some more time with her, perhaps once a week and has she got any ideas for what you could do. It might be nail painting or face packs, or going ice skating. Find something where she knows you want to spend time with her.
Then she also needs to hear lots of positive affirmations. "I love the way you put that top with those jeans, it looks great" "Your hair is looking fab" "Its cute the way you always have a charm on your keyring" etc
Another thing, I am thinking is that she may well have seen you at your lowest and weakest and that is difficult for children to see. She needs to see that you are strong and back in control. So be firm with her. Don't put up with her silliness or rudeness. I knkow you have it in you. Children need boundaries and I am sure she is crying out for you to take control. (Even if they do act as though you are unreasonable, uncaring and mean, secretly they love it!!) 
How is it going with your youngest daughter? Visiting her dad every day? Is that him being controlling or is that an amicable agreement?
Hi Roxy
Thanks for joining us.
You are right, it does sound like most teenagers, nonetheless it is a really tricky time, especially as you are dealing with this alone.
Here are a few suggestions:
- Involve his Dad if you can or other family members or friends that he respects, get them on board to support you with the house rules.
- Try to reconnect with him, do something nice together, this may involve compromising (listening to his music, going to his favourite place or doing something that he enjoys) and when you have made friends again and relaxed, this is the time to discuss house rules.
- Be prepared to negotiate with him, an extra half hour allowed out at night might be all he needs and this would be better for you than not knowing where he is or when he is coming home.
- Teenagers may behave badly, but they still need boundaries and they need to know that you love them. You need to express that you don't like their behaviour, but you do love them.
For further suggestions and ideas look in our info library on the home page, there is a section on teenagers and how to communicate with them.
Good Luck, let us know how you get on - apparently they do turn back into human beings eventually!