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As ordered by the court the ex has to be allowed telephone contact once a week with little 'un. That contact is taking place as we speak and I feel anxious, not sure why. She was reluctatnt to answer her phone but she has and is speaking with him in her room. For some reason she felt uncomfortable speaking to him in front of me?!
She has come off the phone now. She came in the living room after about 10 mins and kept mouthing to me "tell me I got to get off the phone" and I was like I cant. There was no set time agreed for the phone contact but I decided half hour would be sufficient. She was rolling her eyes while he was talking to her and pleading with me to call time on the call so after 25 mins I said "right sweet, your dinners done" which was a lie and she said "oh my mum says I got to go" and he said can he have 5 extra minutes and she asked me while shaking her head telling me to say no but I said yes as i felt half hour is fair.
When she hung up after the 30 minutes she said "i dont want to speak to him again" It doesnt sound from what she said like he was pressuring her too much but she did say he kept snapping at her a bit saying "will you concentrate on what I am saying" or "are you listening to me or what?" But I think that was because she werent listening she was too busy trying to tell me to get her off the phone so I cant really complain about him being a bit short with her can I?! My god this phone contact is gonna be a mare every week.
Hi littleangel, well done. It is difficult isn't it. I think children find it hard to talk on the phone anyway. My daughter at 17 still doesn't like it (although I remember being 15 and no-one could get me off it!!)
I think you are right, at this moment, you can't be interrupting the calls, half an hour is fair, but it is a long time for a youngster. So expecting her to be concentrating for that long is a big ask I feel.
Anyhow I think you just have to play it by ear. Maybe she is going to have to be the one that says 'it was nice talking to you, can I go now I want to play'. Perhaps you could give her some phrases that she can arm herself with.
Dont launch into a discussion about it this evening. Let her do the talking tonight and then come up with some strategies.
When she says she doesn't want to speak to him again, it is important that she knows that daddy wants to speak to her because he misses and loves her. Although you may find that if she is not very responsive on the phone, he might give up.
Thanks Anna, She keeps talking about it I not had to ask anything. She told me he asked her "is mum in the room" and she said yes so he told her to go in to another room. I feel a bit better that it wasnt her that felt uncomfortable talking in front of me and I cant blame him for asking her to go in another room really it is the only half hour he gets each week.
She did tell me he was goona ask her address but then quickly changed the subject. A bit annoyed about this as he knows full well he is not to know where we live and he used to try it on supervised contact visits too. He very manipulative about it coz she said he went " so its ***** road you live on isnt it?! Erm I mean what did you have for tea?" The road he used isnt our road but a road he has seen me on.
I dont think little angel has the confidence to cut him off, she very timid around him and if she did try he would just act like he didnt hear her and carry on.
He has told her that me and her need to come up with a plan for her to meet him as he has lots of presents for her, again his attempt at manipulation, but she told me she doesnt want to meet him and isnt bothered about the presents anyway.
Hi littleangel. I've forgotten, but how old is your daughter again (sorry). I remember C speaking to his 'father' on the phone, and the twat got really annoyed because C was watching his programme and was very unresponsive hehe. I think half hour call is an awfully long time. Hope you're okay, you're handling things well by the sound of it. x
Hi Hazeleyes, Little 'un is 8 - old enough to have her own voice, but not to him tho as he scares her. Yeah she been complaining about how long she is on the phone, she told me next time she 2 minutes lol But I need to be seen to be fair aswell and half hour seems reasonable to me and I have told her over and over again if you want to come off the phone just tell him but she wont coz she said he will shout 
( I dont personally think he will shout but he will probably start saying things like "why dont you love me im your dad" "stop being mean to me I am trying to do my best for you" etc and that will make her feel guilty.
It funny coz when he asked her to ask me for 5 more minutes she said "mum he said can he have 5 more minutes" and she said he went " no no its dad, your to call me 'dad' thats what I am and what I will always be dont forget"She werent happy about that as she says she doesnt 'feel' like he is her dad. Possibly because she is so close to my partner (she doesnt call him dad tho) and him and her are like two peas in the pod and even have 'father/daughter days' together.
I personally think its terrible court has made your daughter do telephone calls if she is t happy about it but it's good she sticking it out, must be hard that she feels she can't voice herself to her "dad" . And well done you for being so good with her :) 30mins does seem like a long time to try get a child's full attention but he might learn this as time goes on. It's very bad that he is trying to get your address off her, children shouldn't be used in that way and what would be his intentions if he did find out where you lived? At least she only has to put up with him once a week via phone :)
You right Tinkerbell, it is the worst feeling in the world to force your child to do something they dont want to do especially when you know it isnt even in their best interests. From what I hear about CAFCASS they are gonna recommend contact anyway as they apparantly always do so at least she is getting some kind of starting point but I hate it and so does she.
I aint a clue why he so keen to know where I live tbh. I am no longer scared of him and have been very clear to him about this and even met up with him once to collect little 'un presents while she was in school and he was like "didnt think you would come alon?" and I said "why not? Theres nothing YOU can do to me now" his face was a picture. I reckon he would just watch the house, he a bit obsessive like that likes to watch me whenever he can - eurgh! Weird!
Hi littleangel. Your daughter won't say anything to him, because she doesn't feel comfortable telling him she wants to go, etc. C was exactly the same. He used to think it would come across rude, his father might be cross with him. I tried to explain to him at the time, that if he didn't want to do something with me, or that I was asking him too, he would quite freely tell me he didn't want to, but he still said he couldn't with his father. I realised that he didn't know his father, so just didn't feel comfortable, as he wouldn't know what this man's response or reaction would be. Hope this makes sense.
Hi littleangel, please write down all these things that your daughter is saying, so that you can report it to cafcass when you see them.
He is not allowed your address, you might ask our legal advice team or CAFCASS, whether if you were to tell your daughter that she can say she 'is not allowed to give him it', if that would go against you in court.
I did wonder whether he had told her to go in the other room, my ex used to do that too.
Yeah thanks Hazeleyes, you are dead right. And also her dad has a more agressive approach than me I think he demands something to be done where as I ask ( well after the 2nd time I scream lol). I dont think her dad quite gets the fact that she doesnt 'know' him. Even when she went contact centre last year she hadnt seen him since she was 2/12 and she was nearly 7 but he seemed to expect her to run up to him and tell him over and over how much she loved him, of course she didnt and he would get frustrated because even to this day when he tells her "I love you" she says "ok" or "aw thanks" and it winds him up a bit.
Yeah I should have guessed he was the one who said it too. He used to do that with his son when I was with him. When he phoned he would say to his son "go in the other room this is our time not for your mum to hear he he"
C's father used to say, 'Hi c, it's your Dad', and C would reply 'Hi T'. This silly man used to say to me that like it or not, one day C would call him Dad. I doubt that very much, as he no longer contacts C, and C is well aware that yes, he is the dad, but he hasn't played any part in his life whatsoever, and he is adamant 'at the moment', that he'll never refer to him as 'dad'. I also used to remind C not to say what school he went too, although it wouldn't have been difficult for him to find out really, as he knew my address.
Littleangel- To me it sounds like it's your daughter dads begging to be loved Instead of giving it! How very sad when an adults life Is like that!
Your 100% right Tinkerbell, my ex is desperate for love, that is 90% of his problem. He grew up in care and has a sad story (no excuse but explains a lot) and when he tried to reunite with his mum she very cruelly rejected him. So when he loves someone he loves them in an obsessive way and is over paranoid, over needy and needs constant reassurance - so draining!
Hi littleangel just been reading this post and have to say half an hour is way to long for a 7 year old, my youngest girl is 7 and she can probably manage about ten minutes on the phone to her nan, before she runs out of things to say, and they have a pretty good relationship. Could you suggest keeping it to 15 minutes or would this go down like a ton of bricks?
Hi Sally, Thanks. I could suggest 15 minutues but I reckon he would probably kick off. I imagine he would make out like I am being deliberately obstructive or request two calls a week instead. I am waiting for CAFCASS (but I hear they take forever) to come and discuss it with her so she can tell them and then hopefully they will suggest less time (or hopefully no phone contact) and that way he cant say it is me being obstructive.
That's a shame, it's hard for her.
That's a shame, it's hard for her.
My ex has a son from a previous relationship, he is 13 now and he has him every weekend. I have no problem with him having contact with littleangel and said this in court (I was very close to him when was with ex, and got on well with him when saw him at contact centre).
Problem is little angel's phone has been ringing from him non-stop all weekend. little angel didnt want to answer it so i said she didnt have to. I am pretty certain it is my ex's way of trying to contact her because I know his son would have been with him this weekend. I dont want his son to think we are ignoring him as even littleangel said she wants contact with him but she doesnt want to speak on the phone with him. I told her to text him today and just say her phone was playing up and she did and he just text back saying "no worries sis, ope your ok x "
My issue is I am convinced it was my ex trying to ring her off his son's phone, because why would a 13 year old be so determined to speak with an 8 year old? Plus during the week all he did was send 2 texts checking she was ok which is more like the teens i know who prefer texts to calls.I have no way to prove it and even if she answered it Im sure it would have been her brother on the line but her dad would have been somewhere in the background.
Littleangel ended up turning her phone off as she felt harassed and Im a bit annoyed by this.
Yes, I bet she was upset.
Idea: 
I know it is more expense but how about angel having a daddy phone that she turns on at specified times and another phone with another number that she gives to everyone else...unfortunately she will have to NOT give the new number to the lad but I am sure you can figure out something she can say to him....maybe "don't worry if you dont get a quick answer from me as my phone is sometimes off"
Lord help me!!! 
It will shortly be time for another phonecall, I have just managed to find little angel's phone - after she hid it, and claimed she couldnt find it! Now she is on my case about not wanting to answer it and she has told me that i have got to get her off the phone after 2 minutes.
Im ripping my hair out here, just dont know what to do. Im scared of interrupting her call as I think he will start if I do but at the same time i dont want her subject to half an hour of his "I love you, always remember I am your dad, no one can take my place blah blah blah"
A friend of mine has a sister who is a solicitor and she gave me a free advice session and she told me that I have to ride the storm with the telephone contact until CAFCASS come along and then I can show them the effect it has on her. Thats all well and good but Cafcass are running to a 16 week back log and in the meantime I am gonna have to force these calls on my poor little girl
Hi littleangel, I suppose one thing to consider is that it is not physically hurting her and if she is really hating it, she will tell the CAFCASS woman as such.
Stick to it, the law has agreed that this is what should happen and so you have to support her through it.
Any chance you can contact CAFCASS yourself this week and ask their advice??
Hi anna,
Luckily we were saved by his own stupidity. Come 5.20 he still hadnt rang so I let little angel turn her phone off. I am sure he will send me a hateful text soon but I feel justified so its all good. He cant expect her to wait around all night he was told 5pm so he can blame himself. He is doing me a favour anyway as this will be brought up in court only his second week and he fails.
Cafcass am afraid to say, have been utterly useless at returning any of my calls so I have given up trying it just stresses me out more. I will just wait until they show their face.
And so the harassment begins....
Been ringing my phone since 7.30pm not answered. Sent a text saying his electric went and he had no phone till 7.20 pm and asked how little angel was. I give it an hour before his texts turn nasty, well at least I am hoping they do so I can use them as evidence but he probably not that stupid. Really wish he would take a long walk off a short pier...
Hasn't he heard of phone boxes? There's plenty around or even a quick txt to u to say his eletric had gone maybe he could of used his mobile seen as he's managed to txt from it???? Your right this will not look good on his part as its only the 2nd week and I bet your daughter was happy. Maybe just txt him back saying she is fine and well. That way court will see that you have friendly replayed, if his txts carry on then just ignore them and rise above it :)
Cheers Tinkerbell, Im not going to reply to him though, I have made it very clear that he is NOT to contact my phone. Like you said if he was that interested in knowing how she is he would have gone to a phone box and im still not 100% sure how having no electric effects your mobile phone?! And he said he had no electric all day so he knew well in advance and should have made arrangements to go to someone elses house - simple when you are determined to have contact with your child, unfortunately he would prefer contact with me, funny how his electric came back on at exactly the same time his daughter goes to bed?!
Sounds like he is just full of lame excuses...it's his loss , glad your little one didn't have to go though that tense half hour in the end
Just stay calm, littleangel and keep a note of everything that happens< I know it is infuriating but you have to show CAFCASS that you have played your part even thought he has not played his.
Did you read my suggestion of your daughter having another SIM card?
yeah, sorry Louise I saw your suggestion and I am in two minds about it because I have always tried to be positive to angel about her dad and I dont know if giving her another sim will send her the wrong sort of message about her dad. I mean, I will be kind of letting her know that she has to avoid him in a way. She already sees me blanking his calls and if I give her a new number that her dad doesnt know I worry what that will be saying to her, if you know what I mean?!
Hi littleangel, does your daughter talk about her dad in between phone calls?
Very rarely, and if she does it is usually negative. She says things like "is there something wrong with **** (she never calls him dad)? He acts weird" or "why is **** making the courts say I have to talk to him, it should be up to me" "You wouldnt get back with **** would you? he always says he still loves you but I like (my boyf) more"
I just dont think she has any feelings for him either way really, she doesnt dislike him and she doesnt like him - she is just content with how her family is now. Also we know lots of children who have absent fathers and she sometimes complains that none of their dads make a fuss about seeing them so why does her dad.
Hi again little angel
I know it is hard but I truly think that all you can do is keep things as level and steady for her at home (which I know you are doing)
Little update:
Contact this week went ok. I called time on the call after 15 minutes (because little angel insisted) and he asked for 5 more minutes which I allowed and there was no problem. Little angel seemed better after this contact although she has told me she is gonna ask CAFCASS if she can stop the contact (bless her, but doubt they will). But both of us were much happier with this weeks contact so hopefully things will improve and I can keep the length of call down.
I'm still so baffled at how CAFASS still let the contact happen if your daughter is so unhappy with it....i know shes young but she still has a mind of her own , Surly it's up to LittleAngel if she wants a relationship with her father or not, It must be so hard and frustrating for her :(
I know Tinkerbell, its not fair but I think they like to try to give children a chance to know their absent parent and her dislike could be influenced by me (which is not I never bad mouth him) as I do know some parents do poisen their kids minds against the other parent so I guess they insist on just giving it a go.
That's exactly it, little angel, there is an increasing awareness of something called Parental Alienation Syndrome. This is where the child is poisoned against their parent without day to day care. It does not all have to be bad-mouthing, it is also unspoken signals the child receives, and as the child depends on its main carer for survival, it soon learns what behaviours are "acceptable" to that parent.
As a worker in this field, I have seen a few cases of it and I have also seen instances where a parent will ALLEGE this is what is happening, sometimes without foundation.
So, for you, it is indeed about going along with the court and showing CAFCASS that you are facilitating that contact.
If anyone would like to read more about Parental Alienation Syndrome then there is lots of information on the Internet but please bear in mind that things are written from different standpoints (often "action" groups) so it is important to retain a balanced view.
Grrrrrr!!!!! He still knows how to wind me up!!!!!!
So contact took place today and after 20 mins I said it was time to end call and HE told littleangel to put mummy on the phone (he did same thing last week but when littleangel passed the phone to me i "accidently" got cut off) so I came on the line as felt awkward in front of angel and he immediately started on about what my problem is and why I keep cutting the calls short. I calmly told him if he has any issues with it then please ask his solicitor to get in touch. He then started with "aw come on babe, why are you doing this , I dont want to go running to my solicitor, I dont even want to drag you to court can we just talk like adults and sort this mess out between ourselves, I know this is stressing you out. I know you are saying I was violent but I have had to be honest and tell them how anxious you get and how you have over exaggerated some of our little tiffs. You know I love you and you can always come back just say the word and all this is over" I KNOW I shouldnt but I just could help myself my response began with "are you ****** kidding me?!..... " I had a very quick rant but stopped myself and said "actually I have no desire to communicate with you so I am going to hang up and if you have any issues please ask your solicitor to call me"
Could he possibly wind me up anymore?! Why do I even let him?! grrrrr!
Rant over
Oh no what a horrible conversation for you, he shouldn't be saying stuff like that and ESP when he knows yr child is there in the room - what a disgrace :(
I know, he is so irritating. I actually sent angel out to play with her friend because I knew there was a risk of a kick off. Just wish I didnt play in to his hands, I dont know why i let myself get wound up, so frustrating.
I have emailed his solicitor to kindly remind him that his contact is to be with his daughter only and that it is not appropriate for him to ask his daughter to pass the phone to me. This will really anger him but has to be done.
Hi little angel, I know you had a rant but then you said a very firm and assertive thing, well done.
Suggestion: write a couple of those assertive sentences on a piece of card which you keep handy on phonecall days. If you have to speak to him just keep repeating the sentences on the card and do NOT answer any questions, as in the famous broken record technique.
Hi little angel, I know you had a rant but then you said a very firm and assertive thing, well done.
Suggestion: write a couple of those assertive sentences on a piece of card which you keep handy on phonecall days. If you have to speak to him just keep repeating the sentences on the card and do NOT answer any questions, as in the famous broken record technique.
Cheers Louise, I am hoping not to have to speak with him ever again but I will keep my responses handy just in case. My trouble is, not reacting to his nonsense which even now after 6 years apart still seems to draw me in!
I know....some people will always press our buttons, I guess 
Hi all,
Todays contact was unusually pleasant but I think I have unwittingly started something...
When ex rang today at his designated 5pm angel had left her phone in the house and nipped over the road to her friends and left her phone, so I answered it (to save me getting a solicitors letter) and just politely said angel has nipped over the road can you call back in 10 mins and he said that was fine.
When he called angel they were having there usual chats and got on to subject of singing, my ex then told angel to ask me if I remember one night years ago when me and him sang on a karaoke, I said yes and laughed and angel told himI was laughing. Then angel was telling her dad about a dress she wants for a party and he said he would give her money for it but he asked her if it was long and angel said "ewww no I dont like long dresses only short ones" my ex then told angel to tell me he was having a heart attack I laughed again because I got the joke and angel told him mummy was laughing.
This is probably the most communication we have had without screams in years and I felt ok until an hour ago... He sent me a text to my phone which said "good night, sleep tight xxx" I know it was meant for me as he also sent a seperate one to angels phone. Now I feel that because I laughed at a couple of things he has said he thinks he can start texting me and we are gonna be best mates or something - I just dont get why he alsways does this?! If I dont scream at him he thinks I am giving him a green light. I know that text isnt saying much but I know him and he is definately thinking something inappropriate and I just want him to leave me alone unless I am forced to communicate in front of Angel!
aah littleangel just ignore his text - that way he is clear it is unwanted - stay strong
Don't respond...
If you can get to the point of sharing memories with your daughter though, that will be so lovely for her.
My lot love it when I tell them about things that "we" did in the past. I think it sort of makes them feel a bit more secure.
Agree with the others. Do not respond to any texts whatsoever. He will soon get the message that you will be pleasant during the contact (for angel's sake) but that is that.
You can do this!!!!
your right guys. I have always told angel funny stories of her dad but have been reluctant to do it 'with' her dad but she is so anxious lately (still awaiting counselling for her) that I am trying to keep things as normal as possible for her. Even though I dont argue with her dad in her presence I do completely ignore him so this must have an effect on her which is why i am trying, I just dont want the ex to start trying to open communication with me away from angel, especially while i am trying to sort out myself for possibly cross-examining him in court. Its all so draining
it is draining littleangel but we know you can do it - stay strong
Hi littleangel, I am not surprised that you are feeling anxious, I think that is completely normal. Has she been talking to him for long?
Thats ok that she wants to speak to him in her room, we have to remember that they are separate people to us. Although I am sure you want to make sure that he doesn't fill her head with untruths.
Don't pressure her when she comes off, perhaps ask if she wants a drink and then you could just 'be' together for a while, so if she wants to talk, then she can. If she sees you are nervous or anxious, she may not say anything. In fact if you can think of something interesting to talk about completely random and upbeat, she will feel safer. Let us know how it is going.