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Well I went to see a solicitor today regarding ex suddenly wanting his share of the equity out of the house in spite of the agreement we had when he left. I was fully expecting him to try and get me to go all guns blazing and spend a fortune, but I was pleasantly surprised!
He explained that the two easiest options are to either buy him out or to sell the house and split the profits. He understood why I didn't want to sell and uproot J, but said he had to point out the easiest and least painful options. He did say that there is not a chance that ex will get the 50% share he thinks he is getting, said it would most probably be 70/30 in my favour as I am the primary carer and cannot change my working hours to earn extra as I have to look after J. He also pointed out that if we are going down this route that I am entitled to some of his pension and also the car and motorbike that were bought when we were together. I said that I'm not interested in these, but he said that's how it works. He has advised me to just wait and see. He said if ex gets nasty when he collects J, just to say to him that I am not prepared to do this, I have explained the situation and that if he wants to go back on the agreement we had that he needs to seek legal advice. He said that if I then get a solicitors letter he will then reply and say that we are prepared to take his name off the mortgage and won't pursue any of his pension or any other assets. He has advised me to contact a mortgage broker and see what they can arrange for me, as if I can go to ex and say look I can give you this amount, can we call it quits at that he may take it. He said it also shows that I have tried to make arrangements to give him what he wants. Can anyone recommend one?
I mentioned starting divorce proceedings to him and he asked why on earth I'd want to do that, as that would mean me paying for it. He then told me the fees. I don't think I spent that much on getting married!! He did say that we need to get finances sorted and a consent order put in place, but that we could wait for him to file for divorce. He asked why he hadn't done it already if he was so keen to be rid of me. I wish I knew. The only reason I haven't done so is the cost.
So there we have it. It all seems to make sense to me. Wish it could all be sorted and over and done with but I know that it is not that easy. I know that there is a chance that the house could have to be sold but if that's how it ends up then that's how it ends up. He did say that as there is only a low mortgage on this house and I can quite easily afford the payments on my own, thereby giving J continuity and security, this would count in my favour.
Does this sound right to any of you lovely people who have already gone through it? Is he talking a load of rubbish? He seemed to know what he was doing.
I think your solicitor sounds very sensible, Looby and I hope it has put your mind at rest. As for the mortgage, what he is saying is get an agreement in principle to take over the mortgage in your sole name. Did you ask the bank if this were possible? You don't neccessarily need to go to a broker, just have a look yourself. The Martin Lewis site (click)is good for up to date info on different financial products and has a re-mortgage section. Just take care when applying to anyone that there is no "commitment fee" ie a fee that you have to pay whether you take up the mortgage offer or not. If you get an in principle agreement from a reputable lender then you know where you are batting and that you can approach your ex. Don't forget the info your solicitor gave you about the percentages when your ex starts on about the 50-50 thing and tell him he needs some legal advice of his own.
I had quite a similar situation to you, we had a small mortgage and I took it on, as we got a 70-30 split in court. The fly in the ointment for me was that I had to pay an equity amount to my ex when my youngest reached 17, this was a percentage of the house and of course the house went up in value so the amount did too. What I did eventually was to add this amount to the mortgage. In retrospect I wish I had bought him our earlier so it is definitely worth thinking about this..although as the solicitor says he may decide to forgo any house equity in exchange for the other things.
Hi Looby,
The advice your solisitor has given you is very similar to what my solicitor told me. I was able to buy my ex out with the help of my parents and I think if you can find a way its the best option as you are then financially free from him. We went to mediation to work out the way to split everything as he was very aggresive when I tried to talk to him on my own, it cost quite a bit of money but it was definitely worth it. I also agree with the comment about why would you want to file for divorce. I filed for divorce as it was the only way I could get my ex to leave the family home but as you already live apart there is no need at the moment. I'd let him do that and foot the bill.
Hi Looby, it sounds as though your solicitor was very clear and comprehensive. You know what is what and where you stand.
How will you be communicating all of this to your ex? Will it be via email?
Have had another email from ex this morning. It just said 'well???'. So glad I went and got some advice.
Thanks for that Chocolate, Louise and PQ, glad what I was told was the norm. Anna, I will communicate everything via email. That way he can't twist my words and I have written evidence of what I have said!
One other thing the solicitor mentioned was that if we do agree to defer buying him out, we can fix it at what the house is worth now, which sounds ok. I wish I didn't have to go through this, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?
i had a look at the info thanks Louise and the Martin Lewis site actually recommends a fee free broker. I've done a bit of googling of them and there are some good reports. It's all done via phone or email at times to suit, which will be good as I don't really want to take more time off work. It has to be worth a shot and I don't think I can then do anymore than that.
according to all ive read and been given advice on - once you decide to sepearte its best to get financially sepearte at the same time rather than defer until children are older or any other reason- as you want to cut ties as soon as possible including financial ties
that way later on after many years theres no ghosts coming back to haunt you for your money :-)
Atta girl, Looby 
Yes we will be getting all the financial things in order now. I would sooner be able to pay him off and get him out of my hair, but unfortunately that is not always possible. That is why I am going to a mortgage broker to try and get the best deal I can.
I've emailed him today and told him what has happened so far and that I have an appointment with a mortgage broker in a weeks time. I have also asked that he doesn't continually email me wanting to know where things are at, that I will let him know when I know.
I await his reply!!
HI Looby good plan keeping all of this financial/legal stuff done via email. I hope that you were able to rise above the 'Well??" comment?!
Keep your messages factual, simple and to the point. It sounds as though you already are
Unfortunately these things can take a while and can take up a lot of emotional headroom, do try and keep days free of thinking about all this. It sounds as though you are on top of things but be wary of it wearing you down.
Got another email from ex today saying this is the last time he will ask me what Ive done about the situation and next time it will be from a solicitor. He told me he's going to see a solicitor and also the bank as it needs to be sorted.
My reply. Yes he should see a solicitor, that I am doing as asked, that we specified no timescale and that I will not be bullied and that threatening emails are not the way forward. And breathe.....
Spoke to the mortgage broker tonight. He needs a few more details from me then can give me some idea of the amount I can borrow. At least this will give me an idea of what I can offer ex. Obviously then my application would have to be accepted. I get the feeling ex will say the amount is not enough though. He can pay for solicitors at that point!
Well done, Looby, that's the way. Keep the messages unemotional and businesslike and, as you say, let him pay for a solicitor if that's what he wants!!
I just want it all sorted now. It's draining me as I am constantly worrying about it. Not sleeping at night, the feeling of dread when I check my messages. I don't want to live like this
Sorry to hear how it is unsettling you. Just remember that you are doing everything you can, and the cards are in your hands!
Hi Looby,
Sorry to hear you are feeling drained by all the hassle, I do remember how that feels. The thing I focused on was that things will improve. I also tried to keep myself occupied with things I liked to do to try to stop thinking about it all the time. I bought some box sets of my favourite TV programmes from ebay (Sex and the city was my favourite), dug out my favourite music I hadn't listened to for years, talked to friends on the phone. You are strong Looby and will get through this x
Well mortgage broker rang me this morning. Told me that after he'd done the availability it came out that I could borrow less than my current mortgage. Asked him if he'd included maintenance, tax credit and child benefit etc. Deathly silence. But he had taken off that I pay childcare each month. Pointed out to him that tax credits pay child care. Bless him. He did apologise for overlooking this as I had given him every detail in an email. I had to tell him to stop apologising in the end. He then re ran some figures and it turns out I can borrow substantially more, couldn't afford to pay it but could borrow it! It just depends if they can find a borrower that will take them into account. He said that my lender at the moment is the best one for doing this, so not sure why they couldn't help me? Thinking that it may be worth going back in and speaking to them again. I have to go back to him when I know what sort of figure I want to borrow. So now I have to ask ex what the minimum he is prepared to accept is. Someone also mentioned that I could perhaps give him so much now, which makes it easier for me to borrow and afford and agree to give him another payment when J turns 18, and agree that I will leave his pension alone. Any one had any experience of this? If ex has done as he has said and seen a solicitor then surely he will know by now he isn't going to get the fifty per cent split he was expecting.
Other good news, my boss noticed I've been a bit down this week and called me in for a chat. I explained the situation and that I was worried that if we ended up going through solicitors I would struggle to afford it, but that I was trying to remortgage in my name only. He then blew me out the water and told me that the company would pay my solicitors fees, provided I use our solicitors!!!!!! He did say within reason,but what a weight off my mind. Obviously I would only consider it a loan, but to know that I don't have to worry about the immediate costs is a big help.
So how do I ask ex how much it will take to make him go away?
That was fab of your boss!
I did not pay the ex anything until a few years down the line....the catch was that it was a percentage of the equity and by then the mortgage was less (as Muggins here had been paying it all those years) and the house had gone up in value so what I had to pay him was double what I would have had to pay at the time of the divorce if I could have afforded it.
So first you have to get a percentage agreement, then decide how much of HIS percentage you want to borrow now and how much to defer. What does your solicitor say?
Not seen solicitor yet, just been speaking to a friend who went through this. She agreed to give ex an amount now and take him off the mortgage and then had it written in that she would give him another amount when her daughter turned 18. She says she saved every bit she could to raise the amount sooner and then get him taken off the deeds well before daughter was 18. They have one of the most amicable relationships I have ever seen, so something must have worked for them.
Have decided I am going to go and see my current lender again and see if there were crossed wires somewhere. My broker said that it would be easier with them, as I bank with them as well and they can see accounts and might get a person to look at my case rather than a computer. Also helps now that I know I don't have to come up with fifty per cent of the equity!
Yes indeed. That does sound a good plan, to check out the lender again.
Hi looby.
There should be a solisitor in your area that will give a free 30 minute consultation. That's what I did. It was really helpful. I also got 3 different estate agents to value the house and took the average to calculate the equity. Add up the value of all the other joint assets you have and thats the figure to start with. Work out a split 30:70 or 40:60 and that's the amount you're dealing with. You can then make him an offer, bearing in mind any rights you may have to his pension. If he doesn't accept it then he will have to get his own solicitor.
good luck with your lender
I have a plan!
Thanks for your advice PQ. I have decided I will get the property valued (really will have to sort my ironing pile out!) as you mentioned and take an average of the figures. Did you tell them you were thinking of selling, or just needed it valuing? Not sure if there is a difference. I am making an appointment with my bank tomorrow to go in and see them again, with a clearer head and more facts at my disposal. Once I have these figures, I will then go and see solicitor and see what they think. I have decided I will not ask ex what the minimum he is looking for is, as he will try and convince me that I owe him half. I'm going to tell him what I am prepared to do, making sure it is fair. If he doesn't like it, then through solicitors we will go, which will just waste time and money.
Am feeling a lot brighter about the situation at the moment!
Good morning Looby, it sounds as though you were feeling strong and back in control of the situation yesterday.
You might be interested in looking at the Money Advice Service website that has some clear and useful information on What do do about a mortgage during separation.
Good luck today, I hope you manage to get an appointment sooner rather than later.
Hi Looby, sounds like you have a plan of action.
When I got the estate agents in I told them I was thinking about selling as I'd heard that if you ask for a valuation they may charge. Not sure how true that is though.
Ooh yes good tip, PQ. I was too honest with my agents and some of them would not even come and see the property.
Spoke to the bank yesterday and they did a quick affordability over the phone and they think they may be able to help!!! They will take all my tax credits and maintenance into account. I cant raise a lot, but uts something. I have an appointment with the mortgage advisor in a couple of weeks. It means me taking the terms back up to 25 years and I lose the excellent interest rate I currently have, but those will be part of my bargaining. The only thing is she said that ex would have to sign to agree to change of terms, even though he would no longer be named on the mortgage. Anyone have any ideas why, as she wasn't the most helpful?
I'm not sure Looby. Maybe because even though you will owe him some equity the house will be yours and therefore the mortgage too?
Brilliant news that the bank have said they may be able to help! Sorry can't help you with why your ex would have to sign to agree to the change of terms, maybe because currently he is still a shareholder? You can call Shelter on 0808 800 4444 for further information.
That sounds really hopeful, Looby! if your ex will still be named on the house deeds (because you will not pay him out straight away) even though he is not on the mortgage then he would have to agree to ANY mortgage on the property. Whenever you take out a new mortgage, the lender would do this, as the "usual" situation is for anyone named on the deeds to be party to the mortgage
Hi Looby
I have just had a quick read and just to make you aware my solicitor cost hit £5k I had a low mortgage, he went off with someone else, He moved in to my house with nothing and the court awarded him 30k he never paid a bill or mortgage payment and part of the reason was I was seeing someone not moved them in (he on the other hand had moved in hers had a child and on her mortgage (possible going to have her over too)
Please be careful dont start a relationship with anyone else and where possible ask for regular updates on the cost of your solicitor x
I remortgage, kept my house, and have a good life much to the dissapointment of my ex x
HM
Happy mamma, you fought long and hard for the life you have now and you derserve every bit of happiness!
Thanks Louise it just goes to show no matrer how bad things are the do get better. I never believed anyone when they said it will all be ok but they were right and i dont think you realise you have been to hell and back until its all over
That's so true happy mamma it is really difficult when your in it to see the light, thats why we need great people around us telling us it will all be o.k.
Hello all.
Thought I'd update on the situation. Can't believe it's been almost ten months.
Our divorce is now going through. The nisi has been pronounced so now we just have financials to sort out. House has been valued and I've been to see a mortgage broker to see what sort of mortgage I could afford. Unfortunately I have some debt from when ex first left and I was adjusting to being a single income household, so this has to be paid off first, but I have been told I could potentially get a mortgage providing I pass credit checks. Gave all this info to the ex and have been waiting for his proposal. He contacted me a couple of weeks ago and said could did I have any thoughts on what his proposal should be and could we sort something between us to save on solicitors bills. I told him he had all the information as to what I could get him, but I was not averse to sorting things out between us. He emailed last week outlining his proposal. He had a dig about my debt, 'how could I possibly have run up this much in three years'. It's a lot less than three years of the salary he took with him! His proposal is pretty much him getting half the equity of a house he has not paid towards for three years, while I still have to house our child. He wants so much money now, which is more than I could get him, plus more money when our son turns 18' which would be put away for our son for when he needs it. What about the needs he will have for the next 12 years? He's also said that if I don't like this then it's full disclosure and the solicitors can sort everything out. It came across as sort of a agree to this or else type statement. Friend who has been helping me through this has said that it sounds like he needs money.
Don't get me wrong, I am not denying that he is entitled to something from the house, but he doesn't seem to realise that I will be the one housing our son for the next 12 years when he only has himself and girlfriend to think about. He always pays maintenance without fail and it's ever so slightly more than csa says it should be, but he seems to think that this covers everything and is indeed providing our son with everything that he needs and that I don't have to get anything for him. If only! He really seems to have no idea what the costs of bringing up a child are. I think he's forgotten that children grow rapidly.
Right I'll leave it at that as can see me going off into a rant. I have an appointment with my solicitor tomorrow to go through things, so we'll see what her thoughts are.
Oh looby, so sorry to hear he's being such a plonker about money. Of course he should get something from the house, but I'm in no doubt that the solicitors will see it in the same way that you do. Half and half isn't necessarily fair, especially since as you say you'll be housing his son for the next 12 years.
Good luck with your solicitor, I hope she has lots of encouraging things to say.
Hi Looby thanks for the update, let us know what your solicitor thinks of his proposal and what she suggests. Good Luck
Solicitor said that his proposal was laughable. She said that the bit about money for our son when he turns 18 was purely to make me feel guilty if I turned down the proposal. She said it was just sent through as a tester to see exactly what I was going to agree to. I went through the figures that I thought were fair and she told me I was being more than generous. Pointed out I'm not actually trying to rob the man lol. Just waiting for her now to draft up a letter for my approval before sending it on to him. She is going to point out that this is all we are prepared to offer, in fact all we can offer. We shall wait and see his response. Then I just have to get myself a mortgage!
She also surprised me and pulled out my decree absolute and informing me that I am divorced! Ex has said that he wouldn't file until financials had been sorted so I was very surprised!
Wow that must of been abit of a shock Looby, how are you feeling about it?
Woah! This all sounds scarey to me. Have just decided to separate after 20 years of drama and debt. Have had enough. I think there should be some kind of law that says if you constantly play away you should walk away!!! Why should I and my 3 children have to lose the roof over our heads. Have a £100k mortgage that I can't pay on my own - even though I work 4 jobs. Have been told so much conflicting info about tax credit entitlement that I feel like my head's been put in a liquidiser.If I can't keep the house on my own - we have to sell up. He gets his share then I get mine (£100k). In the South of England this gets you a garden shed. So couldn't afford a house big enough for me and 3 large teenagers. This means private renting, which I consider to be lining some rich person's already well lined pocket. Also, with £100k basically sitting in a bank account, no help likely until all the money is spent and I have nothing left. This means a rosey retirement in expensive rented accommodation, working until I drop and relying on a winter heating allowance. Not at all what I dreamed of. Does this all sound accurate to all of you others......Frankly, the future is bleak - other than the peace of mind that I don't have to live with a secretive liar any more.
Hi purplepen and welcome to One Space
I am sorry to read that you feel that the future does not seem rosy. You have made the first biggest step, you have had enough, acted on your instincts and now free to move forward with your life.
Divorce can be complicated however I recently found a really useful list of Divorce Questions and Answers
You can contact our Debt & Benefits Expert to get help with benefit entitlements Legal Expert and also our Legal Expert for any family law queries you have.
Your fears are all completely normal purplepen, we are here for you, keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on.
if u do the divorce urself it wont cost too much, the application is about 250 pounds, fill in form , give to court with fee, get decree nisi then sort ur finances / house before applying for decree absolute
ive done most of it myself, its a hassle and alot of asking questions for advice on websites! but saved money
if ur not in hurry to get divorce u could leave it wait to see if he applies
myself, i wanted to sort divorce and fnanaces at same time so applied one after the other