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Hello, I find it really difficult talking about myself so bare with me!
I'm a divorced single mum, I split from my ex almost 3 years ago and last heard from him about 6 months ago.
He was an alcoholic, very abusive and mentally unstable (I think this is because he was in the army) but I still think about him, I miss him just being there, he's not good looking, he's not rich, he's not nice but he was still my husband who I thought I would be with forever and I can't seem to get over him however nasty he was.
I'm really lonely and would like to meet somebody new but although I get asked out I don't meet up with anyone because I don't like anybody enough to get to know them and I think the reason is because I still love my ex, does anybody have any tips for getting him off my mind or feeling able to give somebody else a chance?
Hi Colie,
I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same. I was with my partner for 16 years and have a 15 year old son by him. He was always very abusive and my son hates him and to be honest any love I had for him died over the years because of the abuse. He was very mentally unstable and I think it went back to his childhood.
We plodded along and it just became my way of life and thats how I thought it would always be I finally left 21/2 years ago, and I have actually met someone else who is the total opposite to my ex and he loves me to bits and I love him, so why can't I get my ex out of my head. He seems to be on my mind all the time, but I think its because I miss the comfort of me knowing him so well and him knowing me. Starting new is so difficult getting to feel that same comfort all over again.
I so want to move forward and on with my life but I have to let go of the past first and I am finding it so difficult. He has begged me to come back and the reason why I haven't is because my son hates him so much. But I know if I did it would only be a matter of time before it was as it was before and I regretted it. I think and hopeing it is just time. Please give someone else a chance. There are some lovely men out there and we deserve to the happy and treated right and with respect.
It might not always work for everyone, but I too felt very lonely so I went on a dating site and my evenings were filled with chatting to differant people. It became a bit addictive but it kept my mind occupied and I chatted to some lovely people. I never wanted to date any of them because I didn't feel read and I only ever arranged to meet one person and that it the man I am with now. He is the nicest person I could ever wish to meet so maybe it's worth a try!
Hello Colie
You're right, it is a case of moving on with your life. A counsellor can help you do this but this is not everyone's cup of tea. Some of our members have been helped by this book (click to see)
Hi ladies, thanks for sharing. I have just started a book called Attached, that I am finding very interesting. It talks about how it is natural for us to want a partner (almost a biological necessity) and although in todays society we are supposed to be happy on our own, we are healthier in every way. However we do need to Attach to the 'right' person.
It is natural that you are both thinking of and missing your exes, they are who you know and how to behave around, however they do not know 'how to love you as you need loving' best. That is why you are not with them anymore.
Colie, you created your future when you married your ex, you could see it in front of you, that is why now you are finding it hard to create a new future as it is so unknown. Think about things that you would like in your future relationship, holding hands, cuddles when you want one, knowing that he adores you and would hate it if anyone hurt you, including himself?
That is the type of person you need to be thinking of. They are out there! Have you ever been to domestic abuse support groups?
hi,my name is snowball26,i can symphalise what your going threw i myself have had a boyfreid who i ended for good not too long ago and i worry if i can eva really get ova him.
He's lied,cheated on me with my best mate and after my daughter only being 3months old took her from me and refused to give her back i spent my birthday on my own without her whilst going threw court to get her back,he accused me of being a unfit mum and having mental health issues. he likes his cannibis and he does have a temper but takes it out on doors or objects but after all that i kept taking him back,its like he had a hold over me.
but my sister who got dumped by text,out f the blue by her long term boyfreind,she hasnt has a physical relationship with not one person for four yrs and not even one date,she put off all boys and only pointed out the worst in them.like she wasnt ready to move on,only just recently she grew quite fond of a guy me and my other sister knw to be really nice,shes been on a first date which went great she even kissed.she really likes this lad and its weird to see her have any interest in anyone because she normally turns everyone down but i think its about getting out of the hole thats stopping you from finding someone else or atleast leaving your x in the past,but only you can do that,i told my sister that its her barriors not letting anyone in and to just ignore the no go signs that flash up and take a chance.
its early days for my sister,my sister and the lad are both quite shy people and have both had their heart stamped on and shes quite nervous oening u to him physcailly because its been four yrs but shell get there and so will you.The thing that made my sister go ahead and take a chance was that the lad said that even if nothing becomes of this date at least he can show her good time out as my sister never really goes out.all she needed to know was that this guy was nice and thats how we knew him so she took a chance.Just fight your barrirs a bit and by letting the right person in and open your heart to a few good risks it might lead to something great.good luck!
Good luck to your sister, snowball26, it takes courage to try again when you feel hurt but it is good to pick yourself up.
What about you? You are finding it hard to recover from what has happened. What support have you had? I am wondering if you have been in touch with Women's Aid or have had some counselling. Have a look at the course we have on here,The Freedom Programme as it has helped many women to move forward after abusive relationships.
Hi Colie
I don't think there is an answer to this one, other than time. And perhaps as your child gets older and you have more time for you (sorry, I know that sounds so easy) and meet more people, I think that's when things perhaps fade.
I did meet someone, but have to say that I have found it easier being me and the children...
Good to 'see' you here. Its a good place for advice and virtual company.