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Hi,
I am new to this site and came to search for some help/advice. I am a single parent of two teens (girl-16, boy-15) and I am really really struggling with them at the moment. They aren't bad kids, they go to college/school and to be honest they are doing ok, they don't bunk off and the only problem is occasional lateness.
My problem is thier behaviour out of school; my 15 yr old has started drinking to get drunk on most weekends and has been in trouble with the police for causing a nuisance on the street. I do not condone him drinking, I do not drink much myself and I do not buy him any alcohol. Since the last incident a couple of weeks ago, I have tried to monitor who he is with, where he is going and what time he is coming home but when he is out, I am constantly worried about what he is doing and it's causing me a lot of stress. I text and call him but he doesn't answer me so I can't sleep or rest until he is at home safe and out of trouble. He doesn't go out on week day nights because I have insisted on this but I can't control him any more than I already do. Its so hard giving him the freedom and yet trying to monitor what he is upto.
Now to my daughter, who is 16 and doing A levels at college. She has two part time jobs and again, is generally not bad, did well at school and I know it is probably just a phase. Weekends are a nightmare though as she too is drinking and behaving inappropriately. As far she is concerned, my main worry is the opposite sex, even though I've spoken to her about the risks of drinking and losing control etc. She also doesn't seem to think about her actions and the consequences; for example (this was without being drunk), her friend gave her the keys to her car to 'sit in' and my daughter decided to drive the car and ended up driving it into a lamp post. The car belonged to her friends mum and she decided to get the police involved; the outcome is yet to be known. With her, I am worried about the binge drinking with friends at weekends and the potential trouble she could get herself into.
My problem is that it seems to be one thing after another. I thought I had taught them well, I thought they had good heads on their shoulders but its all getting too much and I am struggling to cope with the constant worry and stress, especially at the weekends. I don't relax, I don't enjoy my weekends after working all week. Sometimes I feel like just dumping them with my ex husband and telling him to sort it all out but he is a waste of space and doesn't want to get involved.
Sorry it's so long. Has anyone been through similar ? Has anyone got any advice please?
Hi dee751. Welcome from me also 
I'm not at the teenage stage yet, but my heart goes out to you, as I know when my son hits the teens, I'm also completely on my own to deal with whatever is going to be thrown at me. There are many parents here who'll be able to identify with what you're going through, so do keep posting as others will be able to offer you support and advice, as Anna has done.
Hi,
Thank you for your reply. My close family don't live nearby but I do have friends that I can talk to and they have all said, like you have, that unfortunately alcohol is a part of teenage culture. I work in health research and have even researched alcohol and adolescents!
We have always been a close family unit, even after I split from my ex-husband. I talk to them regularly about the dangers of alcohol, I try to make them understand that other than it being bad for their young bodies, there are the social (or anti-social) implications etc etc. We still go out for meals and spend time together in the evenings. They are very open with me and don't even have a bad attitude towards me. It's just I am worried about the trouble that seems to be reocurring, the frequency of the binge drinking, and I am also worried that they are going to end up in some very serious, crime-related trouble.
Their friends are welcome to come over anytime and even though our house is small, I allow their friends to stay over sometimes but more it's more usual for my kids to sleepover at their friends houses. I also have a 20 year old son who still lives with me and I didn't have an ounce of bother with him and he doesn't drink unless it's a special occasion like a birthday party or wedding.
Thank you for the telelphone numbers, I have noted them down and will be calling. Any further comments would be really helpful, it helps to share all of this.
Do have a read of the article too dee751, it talks about ensuring that your children have outside interests, hobbies, sports.
Do either of yours do any clubs?
Well my daughter works all day Saturday and 2 evenings per week after college, so that takes up some of her spare time. I'm going to try and keep talking to her about her health and I am also joining a new gym in October so I'm going to try and persuade her to come with me. At the moment it's just Saturday nights that she seems to go a little 'crazy' on the booze and stupidness but like I said, it didn't even take any alcohol for her to pull the silly stunt with her friend's car.
My son is really into football at school and is part of the school team but that's it really. I am going to try and persuade him to do something at weekend, maybe a Saturday or Sunday. He isn't really into anything other than football though.
The article is really good, thanks. I am going to keep re-reading it and thinking about things for him to get into doing.
Hi dee751
good for your daughter though, having two part time jobs. I'm trying to get my 17 year old daughter to find a job, but she won't.
My 19 year old (my eldest) does cause many challenges. I'm lucky as he doesn't really binge drink, but seeing him drink a can of cider one night here has left me a virtual tee-totaller. Difficult somehow seeing them drink. He's at college and jobless at the mo, having not been kept on at the end of his summer job.
Well she only decided that she wanted more money and would therefore have to work for it a few months ago, when she turned 16. She knew that she would want clothes, make up etc for college that I couldn't really afford to buy.
It is really difficult even thinking about them drinking and it breaks my heart because I was really healthy during my pregnancies and have always promoted health to them, fed them their fruit and veg etc etc. On the odd occasion I have smelt cigarette smoke on my daughter but it's as though my hands are tied and all I feel I can do is preach; I get sick of the sound of my voice :-(
My eldest smokes!! I was so shocked and incredibly disappointed. He was so, so against it.
He asked for petrol money - and as he does need to get to college, I gave him £10 and asked for the receipt. I will not pay for his tobacco! The fact that he smokes roll your owns actually worries me more.
Hey, Dee,
I have similar worries with my 15 year old (No3 son) although he seems settled at the moment. There recently was a phase when he'd been seen smoking and doing weed and drinking. He tried to deny it - because really, deep down he's a health freak - but then I found tobacco in his room. He then said he didn't do it 'that often' which of course wound me up rotten. After a lot of toing and throing he said he'd not do it anymore and whenever I said something about it to him he'd get really upset because I didn't trust him (still don't really, to be honest). As he didn't binge but also had behaviour problems at school (swearing at teachers, running off when they wanted to talk to him about stuff he'd done in class....) I took the advice from Louise and Anna and tried to let go of the smoking/drinking thing for now. We live in a small town, and I've not had word that he's been seen doing either since the summer holiday, his attitude to school is better, so I'm hoping it was just a phase.
I guess I'm saying hopefully it will just be a phase for your lot, too!
Hang in there!
Hello dee751
I totally sympathise with your situation. My son is now 17 and last summer, coming up to his 16th birthday, was a terrible time for me as he was also behaving like this. The key to it with him was the company he kept; as soon as he had a new bunch of friends it improved. His friend at that time had parents who were quite happy for their son and mine to drink themselves sick. Now, you can't pick their friends, and in fact showing disapproval of a particular friend is more likely to push them towards that friend. The thing about keeping them busy is an excellent idea; I had a schedule for my son which hardly allowed him to breathe, following this bad time in his life.
I have to say that I also decided to come down like a ton of bricks on him. I drew up a consequences grid. Stage one was something like "be in every night at ten. 48 hours off Internet", stage two was "as above plus no pocket money"....you can make up your own grid as to what would affect your teen the most. The teen then needs to understand that cetain behaviours mean they move to stage one of the grid, etc
However I do believe that it would be better to draw up a Family Contract before resorting to this draconian measure. This would enable you to set firm boundaries. Boys in particular love boundaries, even while they are telling you that you are "pants" for setting them! Read about the contract and have a think about how it could work for you.
I also always recommend that any parent of teenagers reads this book. It changed my life. The new ones are expensive but there are plenty of second hand copies on offer.
Keep posting; we are here for you
Hi,
Thanks for all your comments and suggestions; very helpful. Just an update - my son has managed to get himself a Saturday job which will keep him occupied and maybe make him realise that he must go to bed early on Friday and get up fresh for Saturday. He is also talking of him and a few of his school mates developing their own football team, with one of the dads helping them out, which would be good.
I took note of who he is hanging out with and it does seem to be that there is more worry about him drinking depending on who he is with. He went to a party last Saturday with a couple of what I would call 'approved friends' (I haven't told him this!), he didn't drink and was home by midnight. He has one friend who I don't particularly approve of and his parents let him drink in the house, I hate it when he goes round there as he comes back smelling of cigarettes and I know they drink. At first I made it clear that I didn't like him going round to that particular friends house but, like someone above said, this pushed him to go even more so I stopped commenting. As yet, its not really made that much difference because he is still hanging out there. I am hoping and will push him to start this football team up and hopefully the Saturday job will make some difference. Thanks again.
I do hope it helps, and that he enjoys the job. Seeing their own money can help too.
Glad things are improving, dee752. Do order a copy of the book I suggested
Hi dee752, just remember to keep commenting on the positives. Whatever age our children are, they still want to please us (although they won't show it!)
I hope that you got the chance last weekend to say something like 'I loved it when you came home at midnight the other night, you seemed to have had a great night too'
Try not to mention the drinking, rather discuss behaviour, if it needs to be said.
My daughter is coming up to 17 and she still can't find a job, thats great that your boy has found something. Good for him!
Hi dee752
Just read your thread and am so glad things are improving for you. It seems clear that if you are not funding money for the alcohol it will be friends who are influencing them and i do believe it is a phase where they are experimenting.
I have two teenage girls, 15 and 13 years, and already my 13 year old had had alcohol at parties! We try and do our best but the influence of friends can often sway them off the rails. Both my daughters are in and my eldest has two of her mates over, i do prefer it that way as you know they are safe and not doing something they shouldn't!
My elder daughter went through a phase of having parties which she advertised on facebook and yes they were drinking and some smoking! It was the worse experience i have had and fortunately friends and neighbours helped in getting rid of a lot of them as we had a few trouble causers.
Well, she didnt learn and had the audacity to ask to have a Halloween party and had a spoilt tantrum outburst when i said no, i said have as many parties as you like when you have your own home. On Halloween, she had a few mates over and they wAtched a scary movie and then went home, no alcohol but boy did they munch through sweets lol
The funniest is that i dont drink that often and when i had a few to many on my birthday, my eldest hated it and even started thinking i had a drink problem!
Hope things continue to go well and sounds like they will both be too busy to have the time to get drunk. Commendable they have both got jobs.
Hi suzziesuze, long time no see! How are things going? What happened with your daughter and her friends mums car incident, did it go any further?
Hi dee751, welcome to One Space.
It is so worrying when our children turn to drink and drugs, however we must remember that this is all part of teenage culture these days.
Have a read of our article Drugs and Alcohol - Teens for some tips on how to broach the subject with your children.
You might be interested in calling a helpline, Young Minds offer excellent support and advice for parents on 0808 802 5544.
This is a stressful time for you, do you have family or close friends that you can confide in, or perhaps will talk to the children?
Do you spend much time together as a family, meal times, leisure time? Do the children enjoy being at home? Do their friends ever come over to yours?
Sorry lots of questions, I hope that in the short term you will call the helpline, but I look forward to hearing back from you.