hi there...newbie here in need of advice...
To cut a long story short my girlfriend has an abusive ex who (after a quiet period since our relationship began 3 years ago) has recently turned up to collect his kids and decided on throwing verbal abuse at her along with his wife who also joined in. This was after a short burst of nasty texts to her saying what a bad mother she was etc etc..of course all lies..
This was in front of the kids and we had witnesses...the police were called and (finally) turned up to interview my GF...we have been informed that both the ex and his wife were asked to attend a police station and not arrested, although we were more than happy with that as since the incident we have not heard from them since. At least she has made a stand...
During the incident my GF refrained from shouting back or making it worse (I was at work) and neither of us have ever reverted to sending back nasty messages or getting involved in tit for tat...we have all this as proof on our respective phones...and as a boyfriend I have never got involved in bickering with him..we both hold down responsible jobs and dont have criminal records or anything like that.
The advice we need is relatively simple - we wont stop him from seeing the children, thats not the issue, we just dont want them collecting the kids from OUR house in future...how can this be arranged..? He has NO parental responsibility, so we are in control legally, but obviously to stop them from seeing them completely might turn the kids against us which we dont want - it could also make him worse..
He has this idea in his head that we are stopping him from seeing the children, which is totally untrue...in reality, he has been offered them for weeks at a time, the whole schoolholidays etc etc and a previous agreement in which he had them every other weekend stopped around 3 years ago (his choice). To make you aware of the sort of bloke he is, he refuses to pay CSA or anything else for his kids...he uses any excuse in the book to get out of having them overnight or for longer periods, yet is quick to criticise the way in which my GF brings them up...often accusing her of the most ridiculous things such as not feeding them properly etc etc...
Also, because he wont have the children overnight or for longer than a day at a time, to arrange to see them, he goes through the 11 year old daughter via text..making the arrangement then taking it as confirmed and "nobody can now change it"..he will then often send my GF a text saying he "WILL be collecting them Sunday" regardless of whether we have already made plans..this is when the abusive texts start eg "why are you stopping me from seeing the kids?!"...its almost like he is using the children to feed his desire to have power over my GF...(during their relationship he was very nasty to her..)
As a neutral (not my kids) it is ludicrous, because how can you critisice the way in which your kids are being brought up when you dont pay for them and dont want them to stay with you..??!! To me, it seems all about having a hold over my GF and making her feel scared and unsettled. It's also like he's using the kids for this purpose.
Anyway...this is the advice we need?
1) After what has happened, can we stop him from collecting the kids (not actually seeing them) from the house in future..? We really dont want him or his wife near us...
2) How do contact centres work? We need a neutral pick up place where we dont have to meet in the interim..will that cost money?
3) With regard to him seeing the kids, do we need to go to a solicitor? Remember, he doesnt actually WANT the kids for longer than a day and he only wants them when HE feels its time to.. so would not be keen to make a legal agreement as he couldnt follow it through...
4) How do we explain to our 11 year old daughter, without upsetting her, that in future SHE cant make arrangements with her dad to see them..? Remember, he has got into her head a bit and she still has a blind sort of loyalty to the guy...it is possible she could resent us for this, if her dad manipulates the situation when he sees her...eg: You see? I told you mummy was stopping you from seeing me...!
Any help or advice would be fantastic
thanks..!!!
Hi TheGRIP. Emailing the legal expert is a good start. Littleredhen is given you the link. I'm not sure though if your partner will have to do this, rather than you, as she is the parent. Louise, Anna or Sally will know more about this. As for the contact, is there a relative that could be asked. Your partner could arrange a pick up from there perhaps? Has she been in touch with CSA regarding money for the children? It's a great idea to keep records of the texts that she receives also. As for the older daughter making arrangements. This should be stopped, and it should be explained to her that she is too young to be doing this, it is her Mum's responsibility, not hers. Of course, she'll be angry or upset, but it has to be done. If he has no PR, then I'm assuming he isn't named on the birth certificate? He could however apply to the courts for it.
Hi TheGRIP, interesting name! Are you a wrestler?
I am sorry to hear about the troubles your girlfriend and you are experiencing with her ex.
Firstly as we are only funded to support the single parent with majority care, may I suggest that your girlfriend emails our Legal Expert, rather than yourself, so that she may get a fuller response.
Secondly, the ex needs to be paying CSA, his children are entitled to maintenance, regardless of whether he sees them or not, so I would try and support your girlfriend to look into this further. Have a look at CMoptions, which has a calculator and lots of further information.
After your girlfriend has heard back from our legal expert, you may find that the next step would be a solicitor, but see what they say.
I think it is perfectly fine to say to her that you will be taking the responsibility of contact off her and that in future you will be dealing with it. Tell her it is an adult situation, she is still young and may well feel unstable about her fathers behaviour and be glad to be relieved of the responsibility, however loyal she wants to be, if you are taking it out of her hands, she might play up, but secretly I think she would appreciate it.
Gosh he sounds like my crazy ex! why do they use their own children to get at their victims!!! and demanding dates they should see their children then saying you're being unreasonable if you have plans.
Your GF is a very lucky lady to have someone who has accepted the situation and tries not to get involved in the shouting and texts. Sounds like she has a solid and supportive partner in you.
I'm sorry I'm not experienced enough in my journey to recovery to be able to offer you advice but I hope everything works out for you and your family. xx
Afternoon the GRIP
I am afraid that if as it sounds he is going to be unreassable the way forward is solicitors they may sugest mediation first then if that fails you can go to court and have the judge hear both sides, then try to reach a compromise if thats not possible the courts will decide whats best for the children and a court order will be rasised.
If the order is not set in stone and can be adjusted but if any of the order is broken then legal action and aresst can be enforced !
It can be expensive and a draining experience i know been through it my self but was well worth it.
Stuart
You can email the legal expert
here
It is very difficult but if you are not able to use a contact centre then I would agree on a neutral place like a local leisure centre for pick up and drop off
I would also explain to the 11 y/o that all arrangements have to made through your girlfriend because of pick ups and drop off - it can be done in an easy going way
I would say on the basis of not paying maintenance etc and other things you have said that you must sort this out legally