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Hi Everyone
I have just joined in the hope I can find some sanity!
I am at the point where I don't think I can stay here anymore. My husband had an affair with a very close family friend 4 yrs ago and served me with divorce papers. I was distraught. After counselling and much talking, he decided to give us another chance. Now, I know I am not perfect and have faults, but don'r we all? At the time I was relieved.
The friends closest to me could not believe I wanted to try and work it out - they have seen the kind side of him, but they have also seen the angry, unreasonable side that will think nothing of shouting at me when we have company or are out in public (and I guess that's the bit I struggle with the most).
4 years on and I find I have grown indifferent to him, I miss not missing him if that makes sense? We have a teenage daughter still at home and I have stayed for her benefit, but I am mid 40s and another 5 yrs will see me approaching 50 - I want a life where I can be happy, right now all I feel is sadness and suffocation.
To this end, I have had an affair, which I am not proud of and I know there will be a lot of people on here who will condemn me for doing so, which I fully understand. It is that which has made me realise I still have a caring loving nature about me,and I want to be free to share my life with someone who doesn't make me feel useless and miserable.
He is a brilliant father and I think we will end up sharing residency of our daughter - she still needs two parents. It saddens me that she thinks we should split and she is seeing a counsellor at school to try and cope as the rows are frequent and horrendous.
I guess my question is ...... where on earth do I start and how do I take my life apart? I am not making this decision lightly, but I even think that we will get on better apart, after all, we did love each other once.
Thank you to everone for any support and advice and I apologise if I have caused hurt or offence to anyone!
Hi
I think if you can focus on the practical side of things, as hazeleyes has said that will help.
You will need somewhere to live. In my case I lost the family home as he had massive debts that needed to be paid off. Luckily the cottage sold quickly and I was able to find somewhere to rent with my children.
We've never looked back.
I've never missed the house or him - but then the marriage had been over a number of years before I left - finding the courage wasn't easy for me.
I'm sure life will be quieter for your daughter too, as they can get bogged down when there's conflict.
Do you have family or close friends who can help you through this? My wonderful best friend was a rock at the time - left over seven years ago...
This board is a tremendous place to come for support and advice too.
Thank you to both of you for your advice and words or support.
I had the affair afterwards - but this was not done out of revenge. Someone showed me respect and affection - how can anyone reject that when it's missing at home?
I think his affair and consequent divorce proceedings irretrievably broke the foundations and, however much I wanted to rebuild everything, I guess some things are just impossible to put back together without significant cracks showing.
The friends I listen to are grounded and have my best interests at heart - funnily two of them are on their own and have said they would always advise friends to stay as long as they could but I think my marriage has been tolerable at best for a very long time and they have seen how it is slowly draining the positive out of me.
I have a part time job and a small business which doesn't make very much money, but keeps me focussed - I guess work is what keeps me sane, but there has to be a balance, yet at the moment, the scales are weighed in favour of work over living!
I used to love my home, now it's just a house where I live and actually the thought of a fresh start with something that is a blank canvas is so attractive - even if I merely rent it. His affair took place here - it is littered with unpleasant memories.
Hi JuliG. I've been trying to get you the link to One Space's 1-1 advisors, so you could e.mail them regarding money etc, but I can't seem to access it. I know there is work going on with the site, so maybe that's why. Perhaps Louise (our moderator) will be along later, and hopefully she'll know.
No wonder your home doesn't feel like home, as his affair took place there. It does sound as if you've more or less made your mind up about leaving. Have you discussed it with him? I'm glad you have friends that can help support you with whatever decision you choose, and we'll all do our best too.
I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do but my dh and i have just split and it has been very painful - having said that i really do believe if you don't want to be with someone anymore then you have to do something about it. Does he have any idea you feel like this? I asked my dh to leave as he told me he no longer wanted to be with me and as it wasn't working also i thought he was having an affair (unproven). He has left to stay with a friend but we are meeting soon to discuss money. I just sat down the other days and wrote down all the outgoings and money coming in so i know where we are at when we meet up. I am sure you will get lots of support - its not easy for sure but you deserve to be happy - everyone does.
Knows I am unhappy, but don't think he knows to what extent.
We will have to talk, but once it's said, it can't be unsaid, hence, I will discuss once I have a plan and a timescale.
I have been a single parent before (20 yrs ago), before the wonderful www so no support networks such as this!
Thank you to all those reading and passing on your advice - I hope I can be supportive to others as well.
Hi JuliG
Welcome to One Space. The others have given you some brilliant ideas, but I have a couple of links for you
Firstly to our Money Expert who will be able to tell you what your situation would be if you separated
Secondly The Couple Connection, a website which helps you look at your relationship and decide if you want to work things out.
Hope this helps......stay with us as there is lots of friendly support here
Hi JuliG. That sounds like a good plan to be honest. Make sure you know what's what, before you bite the bullet so to speak. This site is great, and you'll find everyone is extremely supportive. As it's a weekend, it does tend to go quiet, but keep on posting, as others will welcome you once they are on line.
How did you find being a single parent before? I've never known any different, as I've been on my own since the beginning of the pregnancy. I have a 9 year old son, and on the whole, he is extremely well behaved, so I count my blessings, though of course we have our days. I don't have support as such, so One Space has been an absolute god send for me.
Hello JuliG,
I agree with what the others have said...it's so hard when you are trying to consider what will be the best thing to do...
I feel like you, that where I live now is no longer the lovely home I once loved, but now just a house with bad memories, so I wanted to leave as soon as I could...the thing is, I don't think I'm emotionally settled enough just yet to make those big decisions, so my daughter and I are staying put for a few months..( after all it's still only three months since we split)...
This site is so great for friendly support and good advice...
Hello JuliG
This is a tough decision that you have to make, everyone on here has given you some great pointers, and it's good that you have some friends for support, though that has got to be difficult if they are encouraging you to stay and you want to leave!
You have said that he is a great father, and you are right wherever possible it's good for children to have two parents, but you have also said that your daughter is seeing a counsellor, so this seems to be affecting her as well, and she seems to think that you should end the relationship. Have you considered taking her opinions on board?
Hope you make the discision thats right for you 
Hi JuliG and welcome from me too!
I have a friend who has just left her partner of 25 years, they sold their family home (boys had grown up and out) and she has moved into a lovely flat that she has painted and made her own, it is gorgeous and I have never seen her happier!
People always say the grass is greener on the other side, however I think from you messages you know what you need to do. Forget the affair, that's irrelavent and in the past and if anything it showed you what you still had to give and what you were missing.
You still have a whole future ahead of you, NOW is the time to make the most of it! What is holding you back at the moment? Is it sorting out accommodation or money? Or is it the actual saying it out loud to him?
Hi JuliG. Welcome along. Don't worry about offending anyone, as no-one is here to judge you
Your first paragraph I found interesting. You say he had an affair, and yet 'he decided to give us another chance' It's like he was doing you a big favour, when it was him that was in the wrong (reading between the lines, did you have an affair after his?) He is the one that shouts at you in public, which no-one should put up with. No one can tell you what to do, as it's your life, but it does sound as if friends are very much for you leaving him, and even your daughter. It's obviously affecting her as she is now seeing a counsellor for what is going on at home.
Is it your own home, or do you rent? If you were to leave, you'd have to think of where you would live, or would you be able to stay in your home? Do you work?
Please keep posting as others will be along at some point, who can advise you.