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I'm glad its going online, as I was unable to get a place on it, even though I'm on the waiting list...
Rosedragon, I wish you every happiness in your new relationship. xx
Rosedragon
I am so pleased to hear about things being good for you....and yes it is very exciting to be able to offer the Freedom Programme online, we are looking forward to it
When I met my ex, he seemed so lovely.. we'd go out in London for dates (we both worked up there)... our dates would always end at about 9ish (so I could get home at a decent time), he would then go back into Leicester Sq and have a gamble in the casinos on his own. That made me raise an eyebrow or two, but he rented a room and I figured he didn't like going "home".. roll on a couple of years, and realising he has over £30k of debt and only a T-reg polo to show for it (and of course my engagement ring lol)...
He also came across as a bit of a flirt, but I've never been a jealous type.. he used to have "friends" ringing him up at 1am in the morning - "oh they are in trouble" he'd tell me (him being a copper....). "Urm, I'm 8 months pregnant and they are calling you at this time for what?!?!!" - he would never let me speak to them .... Even the dirty text message he received the night we got engaged (and others after), didn't make me boot him out. What an idiot was I?? My only excuse was the idea of having a baby scared the hell out of me. I was 25, not a kid, but never imagined myself to be the maternal type... The only plus point to this behaviour is he's cheating on the woman he left me for (and I dont think she knows it yet)... hahaha... ;-)
Fact is, he hasn't changed from the little boy that got "cheated on by all his exes" (well, that's what he told me on our first date) and would "never cheat on a g/friend"... Clearly he protests too much..
When I look back from the first few dates, he was this "little" lad that wanted to be loved (I always assumed this was due to being adopted from birth - his adopted mother is a bit cold and calculating, there is no motherly bond) .. problem is, its not ONE person he wants love from, its EVERY person... and its 120% you had to give yourself to him, and there was no room for any other person, he just wouldn't share my love with our son at all.. it was always about him.
I could go on, but I don't think I'd stop... I'm hoping I'm older and wiser lol.. I went on my first date in 4.5 years last week and I picked up some warning signs.. this time I'm taking note of them and not taking the date any further...
Good for you!
Sounds as if he is one of those people who has never really grown up.
Have a look here to see details of one of my favourite books which helps you look at relationships, and your own emotional programming 
Oh nitalie10 you are going to love the Freedom programme! Hold on tight it is coming soon. 
That is great that you were able to spot some warning signs on your date last week. Just remember that there are a lot of 'good' men out there, so don't give up the search!! They just might not be where you expect them to be 
I am just bumping this thread up as it could well be of interest again, especially to newer members
Thanks Louise ;) if I look back there were lots and if I met someone now like that I'd run for the hills....
I was too young then x
early warning signs i ignored or blocked out in my memory-
throwing things in a tantrum
being needy
misunderstanding me, twisting my words/intentions and my family/freinds
being paranoid
chatting/flirting/talking about how he was sooo popular with the girls!
falling in and out with his family and freinds over little petty things
getting upset if he wasnt centre of attention
wanting me to mother him, no actually demanding it as his right!!
oh, so many, and i ignored them all!!! by then i thought all men have problems, and im pregnant and married to him and i cant get divorced, so must soldier on!!!
until few years later when things got much worse...
Oh can I list mine!
Put me on a pedestal
Overgenerous
Lied to my family
Violant from early on
Violent with his ex
Sexaly controlling from day dot
Wanted to spend every day together
Made me look a fool to my mates
Claimed my child benefit and kept it
Moved us away miles told me he wanted another baby after baby
Stole from his family
Took his ex to court
Called his ex constantly
Cheated when I was pregnant
Flipped at hv and housing officer
Took me to hostel twice
I know there not all warning signs as such but there all bad things from early on that should of made me run ...
Hind sight is a wonderful thing.
You did get out, Imdoingthis x
warning signs, where do i start, when we was out, he whispered S**g in my ear in bar we was in and stomped out, then he txt me very nasty messages, when i got ome he was sat on back step smirking burnin old letters from my ex, and chased me down a ginnel and i fell and he laffed at me, and made comments bout my eldest dawter,not nice comments, when i ended it bfore we was goin on holiday yesb the holiday where he put me in hospital abroad, he walked in my housde and took my passport and flight tickets and said to me whose in control now b***h, quote, and he drove off, so i took him bk, we went away and 4 days into hol he turned on me, tht was massive red flag, but i took him bk 2 months later i cud go on and on and on and on
There is never just one thing/sign usually mulitple ones.
I was at my friends last night and her new fella since January has given her a small book she showed me it's tital is 'dont's for wives' :-o
I told her I don't like I'm sure this is a warning sign of a controlling man ?
I think I know the book you mean, it has a sort of old-fashioned cover, I think it is things that women were told "not to do" in the 1950s and is really quite ridiculous. Now, it all depends on the spirit of the thing, it could be a joke and he would be quite happy to receive a "don'ts for husbands" book in return. However, my own answer to any chap who bought me a book like this would be "Sorry, mate, there isn't anything I can't do, if I want to" What do you think about their relationship in general, IDT?
I feel he's trying to change her things are on his terms, he's happy for her to do things when he says so/ is with her
She gave him her freedom book so could be a joke I wouldn't of given him that but on a whole I don't like it bits stand out to me
Good thing is she's done freedom p I met her there.
Hello IDT, so she has previously been in an abusive relationship. I would suggest you stay friends with her no matter what happens, so she has someone to turn to if things are not good. So often, an abusive partner will isolate their victim from friends, as you are aware
Its so true about the warning signs I had so many so early but... ignored them...
he told me he was on probation for assaulting his sons mum, but his version of events made him sound like the victim of a vindictive ex
Another ex of his approached me in the street and told me to be careful... again I thought she was a bitter ex.
I have quite a loud laugh and whenever we went out and something made me laugh he would always say "wow you just love drawing attention to yourself dont you"
on second date I wore a skirt he said "do you like putting skirts on so men are looking at you?"
we had the usual "how many have u/I had in the past" conversation and he said "wow are you easy or something dont you feel ashamed?"
I was in a store with him and saw a male coleague who said hi and and I smiled back and he said "have you always flirted with men in front of your boyfriends?"
The final sign was when I notided him removing a condom during sex I had always been tipsy before I asked him what the hell he was playing at and told him he could make me pregnant his response was "so what?!" at that point I wanted to run but a pregnancy test confirmed he had won and when he saw the positive result he said "your mine now"....
I should have been gone from the second he told me he was on probation... you live and learn i guess.
We do lern don't we
Why don't we run for the hills ? We chose to ignore things don't we?
yeah its a shame but then again these perpetrators are very skilled at manipulating.
I can only regret so much despite everything he gave me the greatest gift ever littleangel so if I had my chance again i would do the same to get her but id run after the pregnancy was confirmed.
One thing I know for sure now though is I wont be taken in like that ever again so thats a good thing.
I think Louise has made a good point IDT, try and stick by your friend. One thing that we always say to women on the FP is 'do not share the info or the book with your partner' as they could give them ammunition and also can use it against you in an argument.
However it does depend on the person reading it, it may bring up some interesting conversations and hopefully your friend will feel strong enough to challenge her new partner, if he has any of the old male dominating beliefs, which wouldn't be unusual, as they are raised in the same society as us.
littleangel, the warning signs seems so obvious now don't they! It is lovely to read in other threads that you are now in a long term relationship with a chap who totally supports you.
Every woman/man who has experienced abuse is determined not to get themselves into that position again, however, sadly people do not always take enough time out to learn about themselves and/or the abuse they have experienced, so often end up in another relationship where there may not be the same type of abuse, but more subtle controlling behaviour.
Hi everyone
I was ment to meet up with this man last night but cancelled it, I'd texted him to say don't come over I'm not in ( I was )
He turned up ringing door bell over ten times and his calls have been mad through last night
I feel like it's big alarm bells?
Am I right to think this?
It's not normal behaviour I don't think hmmm x
Hello IDT
I have to say I agree with you, that is not Ok behaviour. Alarm bells indeed! The Ok thing for him to do would be to reply to your text and say that was a shame and could you get together some other time....and wait for your reply.
How do you think you will handle this now?
Thankyou I'm trying to trust myself and should of listened to myself sooner ;)
Today he's been to my house left a bottle of wine, I think I need to completely ignore him every time iv tried to explain things in past to him he's weedled his way back in won't take no for an answer and I need to think about my kids too.
He's told me how his ex was possessive over him ha ha well I think it's him that's possessive
Sounds as if you have got the measure of the guy, IDT Often in life, the things we say we dislike in others are characteristics we have ourselves, it takes a heck of a lot to face up to that so the guy probably does not realise that possessiveness is his too. HOWEVER, you need to look after you and the children, not psychoanalyse HIM! and remember you are the important one here so keep your boundaries.
One thing I wanted to say to everybody...when you meet someone and get chatting to them, often they will tell you about their ex and what went wrong. Be interested in this and get them chatting a bit. Your sympathetic listening will pave the way for them telling you what their ex said to them such as "you are too controlling" or "you are very dull" Now, of course different people have different views but it is a good bet that what the ex said had a lot of truth in it. Just another way of finding out what is what
well i met a man, but i get very defensive, like he went on bout my eldest dawter probably avin sex woith other lads at the age she is, she is 19, and she prob egt pregnant next,u no my ex said tht, fella said im bein defensive and he is only jokin, so im wonderin is it me, am i bein defensive, not sure, we get on really well, but i dont likje sum his comments, so im confused and he said pity they dont av kennels for children like we av with dogs, tht comment i thought was awful,i said i wudnt put my dawter in kennel dont b stupid, he said why not, please tell me im not overreactin, wot does anyone else think
It does sound a bit worrying kiera, I agree. How does he treat you, apart from these remarks about your daughter?
I think its down to how else he is
Does he do or say anything else you feel uncomfortable with ?
? Yeah what Louise said x
well bcos i said i want to take it slow and best he doesnt cum rounbd when kids are ere, he laffed and said is he a dirty little secret, he says es jokin, but like my ex said similar and look wot he was like,
i think hes dis respectful, he showed his mate txts ive sent, which i think is wrong,or is it me, am i overreactin,
i do like him, but already he sayin we shdu spend weeekend together,and ask my dawter cud she babysit, i said well bit to soon, i said i cud go for a nyt sumwhere, i av kids and he now this, i told him wot appened with ex,and my kids cum first, i tct he sorry for comment he made bout my dawter , i avnt txt back, he doesnt av kids, he just doesnt av clure really wot i bin thru, not sure if its me tho
Hi kiera, thanks for sharing some of what has been going on for you with this guy.
Good for you for not texting back. You have given yourself some space to think about what kiera wants. It is nice to receive some attention and be made to feel wanted, especially after what you have been through, however, you feel he has been disrespectful and regardless of who agrees with you, it is what YOU believe that counts. (and I do agree with you!)
Warning signs are all about things that you notice in the beginnning of a relationship that we choose to ignore, but are tell tale sign to someones future behaviour.
Hi IDT, I think it was great that you made the first step of telling that chap that you didn't want him to come round, even if he did make a drama out of it. You will find in time that you won't need to lie to these people, you will find the strength to say outright what you do and don't want.
safest thing is that if u r in doubt or there are grey areas u r not sure about then dont commit or get to close!! i know it means u become over protective and its hard to trust, but gut instincts are soo often right!
Absolutely chocolate81 and as my mother always says
"don't know means No"!!
watching 'first dates'
she said she wants to be kept in line likes to be kept in her place she said she's walked over her
ahh Im interested in this
Carnt edit u know what I mean
Yes, and when she said it I expect what she meant was to be with a man who wasn't a wimp...not that she wanted to be in an abusive relationship (obviously quite far off her radar, eh?)
isi what's there a difference or where's the line?
control
kept in your place
angry
violent
told what to do
can any above be non abusive ?
It's all levels of the same thing from my point of view, IDT - apart from anger. I believe anger can be expressed within a relationship (better that it is than keeping it bottled up) in a way that is not violent or explosive, but which lets the other person know how their partner is feeling.
Control, being kept 'in your place', violence and being told what to do are all factors in a relationship where the balance of power is unequal.
But that's my opinion. What do you think?
Well I'm a bit unsure
i think it's confusing from the program first dates when two women have told men they wish to be kept I'm their place etc ..
can that be non abisive ?
I feel it all rolls into abusive
is an angry and controlling man always abusive ? I think yes prob
Your opinion is just as valid as anyone elses, IDT.
I agree with what you are saying about 'Dates' - a lot of the media plays down how control in a relationship is a form of abuse. And I would say that a controlling partner (no matter to what degree they 'control') of either sex is denying their partner freedom of choice, let alone anything else.
That sounds wonderful Rosedragon...and great news too about the Freedom Programme Anna...