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hi im new and i realy need some friendly support.
basicaly.i was a single mum for 5yrs after leaving my abusive boyfriend at 19.then married married my best friend(we were happy)and had 2more children close together.my eldest was a hyper baby and it was hard for husband to go from mate to dad with him.anyway,my mum died and we moved house at the same time i had my yungest thru c-sec.it caused him to go mad with anger and sadness(only 6 at time)me and hub couldnt handle it so when social servs contacted us about an incident at a friend's house i broke down and told them evrything.they are there for the children realy,so simply told my hub to leave the house as he wasn't coping with my boy well and i was over stressed.
months went by and even tho i insisted my boy needed a psychotherapist they decided it was all my fault and put me on loads of parenting courses as i wasn't realy listening to thier(crap)advice on how to handle him.they wouldn't have him tested for adhd or anything i said he might have developed or be suffering from(i was suffering ptsd).meanwhile i wanted to resume my relationship with hubby but when he got angry with my boy one night and bruised him wen he pulled him out of our baby's room(he was trying to hurt them!)social and police told us to end relationship and put kids on the protection plan.....
since then i have felt so lost and pointless.i resumed my relationship with his dad again which only lasted 7mnths(he became abusive again,shouting at us and being 10yrs old)i did everything they wanted and now thank god they can see im a good mum through my youngest kids,but my eldest has become so difficult,defiant,violent,that i actualy want him to go to care now.he is being aggressive with my others,myself,being naughty at school with the girls,screaming in the night to wake evryone up,hurting me,etc etc,i am using all the tactics i have learnt and nothing works.he is loved and he knows i want the best for him,but something's gone in him!he is finaly seeing this psychotherapist,but im afraid its all too late,as im at my wits end and about to just drop him off at school and not pick him up.i want the best for him so maybe that's with a family who can give him the discipline and attention he needs,im so busy with the little ones and when i have time for him he doesn't want to know!!
heeeeeelp?
i only get proper time with him on certain days in school holidays,and late at night(when he shud be in bed!)so it's not enough.my ex husband has little'uns a few days a week but won't do me any favours for my boy.my dad has him when he can but wont babysit little'uns,i dont have anyone else.
he's had lots of work on grief and we talk a lot about her.
i just feel so fed up,and i cant give him the time he needs to feel better.i don't want him doing this to us anymore,and the others are now following suit and it's unbearable to think they'll all end up that way.how am i supposed to sort them all out all by myself??!
When your ex husband has the younger ones, is it then just you and the older one? If so, then this would be the perfect time for you and him time. What sort of discipline do you set for him? Sorry, did you say he was now 10?
Hi miminum, you have been through so much you must feel exhausted!
I am also unclear as to how old your boy is now, perhaps you could let us know that?
As hazeleyes says, times when their dad has the younger children are perfect for you to spend Special Time with your eldest. What techniques did the parenting course recommend? Some of them might not be helpful for your boy but others might, so please do not dismiss them because they do not work straightaway, your son sounds as if he needs a lot of extra support.
What does the psychotherapist say?
he is 8.the thing is that most of the tactics dont work because he has underlying issues from everything that's happenned and until they are sorted out nothing i do gets him to listen,behave,do things with me(even the fun stuff now).
and to be honest i am so worn out and with my others now going through terrible twos and threes..i dont drive so cant get out to do anything interesting for myself either,im not the type to go for coffees or listen to other mums being spiteful gossips(the ones ive befriended so far that is).
he is not a bad boy he can be his old,caring,extremely sensitive self sometimes but not much anymore.little one's dad has them in the day only so we have to wait til holidays and by then he's so worked up he explodes and we cant do anything.
So what has the psychotherapist said?
Do you get any time on your own with your 8 year old, or can you think of a way you can get that time on your own with him?
the person hes seeing hasnt done any assesments yet but so far thinks hea a normal boy with a couple of problems going on inside.we all already agreed a long time ago that hes got jealousy for the others but i dont get it because other kids would adjust to it when their mum moves on.i always spent special time with him and talked at length about his feelings,helping him.suddenly since his dad left hes completely out of control and im too emotionaly exhausted to deal with him,making it worse.
i would of course have the ex have his kids certain days,nights etc to have time with him again,but ex is a workaholic taxi driver and lives with his parents,so won't do it for me.my dad doesnt want him much either anymore as hes started being aggressive to him and stealing money and running off.i think i need a break as much as my son needs me right now but that won't happen either.
im not getting much advice am i....perhaps there is none for me and just end up with nothing cos i'm not far from a breakdown.
It is hard to give advice without knowing all the finer points of details.
You can and will find support here.
You have been through an awful lot and there is no quick fix no magic wand..
anyone in your position would be nearing a breakdown.
The parenting courses - if lucky and willing, should introduce you to parent support advisers who should be able to help you especially.
Your eldest... seeing therapists so young is not a great sign. It is easy not to tell them whats going on truelly, and to give just enough for them to leave you lieing in the cracks.
You do need a break. You're not going to get it. in the next 7 days find 2 minutes when things are 'right'. when theings are going well, when thing's almost seem like a movie. Capture that moment. smell it. breath it. listen to it. feel it. remember it. speak it. smile.
Don't be surprised when after the 2 minutes are up, the world goes grey again.
(I did this one a sunny evening after going out for desert - we'd run out.) it was magical. but of course it meant bed time was pushed back etc etc.
not driving is a total bane. but if I drove that would be my nightmare. Keep meeting other mum's. I go to coffee mornings just to focus and play with my kids in a different environment - it seems easier without a laptop nearby, or the dishwasher beckoning, or the tv humming. This is my break in it's strange way. it can also cause stress but... do you never cross a road for fear of being knocked down?
Back to your son... I've said it a couple times elsewhere, self-defence classes?
meditation? someway of getting him to learn about his emotions, focus on his breathing and body, to control himself, and learn acceptable behaviour - to learn respect?
If I didn't think your load was already full enough I would suggest a pet maybe for him? somebody for him to look after and care about? nothing bigger or more long term than a rat tho.
does he help you with the house chores - taking bin out / in, loading washing, tidying / dusting with wet wipe? - things which can easily be rewarded. Special treat's for him because he is eldest?
It is so hard. it is so easy to come up with a million ideas and peices of advice, but putting them into practise consistantly is night impossible.
I am having trouble with my youngest believe it or not... laughing when I tell her off and actively hurting me or her brother or others - scratching/pinching. it's so hard when a one year old is showing this maliciousness and then laughs and turns it into 'tickling'. I am praying all it is is terrible 2 stage and she'll come out of it in... 2 years or so??? but there is a journey between here and there and if I do nothing it doesn't seem to go away - somedays gets worse... so I have to do something - but what? and even with a plan or idea or advice, you then have to inact it. and that's where I become unstuck. tired, wanting a break, wishing these other difficult people (my mum n their dad) weren't in their lives, but when they're not, I wish they were!
please keep looking for support. speak frankly with children's centre staff. tell them specificly what help you want from them - visits to the house? an actual break for a couple nights? childcare help? etc etc?
Don't give up. an 8 yr old in care is unlikely to find the appropriete family to adopt them. you know your son best. you need to commit to him. Do it your way. make time with you your little peice of the world where he feels there is space for him, and find a way to do this when the toddlers are there too.
good luck.
Hi mimimum
I am sorry you felt you weren't getting advice, for myself I was asking a lot of questions so I can make sure I can understand the issues before I bowled in with some suggestions 
PLUS there are no instant answers, if there were then you would have found one long before now!
Jane Hope has come up with a range of great things. These, and other things that have been suggested, fall into two broad categories: firstly things into which you can divert your son's energy such as acitivites, responsiblities with rewards, and secondly things which you as a parent can do with him.
My take on it, for what it is worth, is that your son feels an awful sense of abandonment by his dad. It is "normal" for him to be angry after this, at his age. The psychotherapist can't see any major problems, that is wonderful!!
I feel that that absolute key to it is time spent with him on your relationship. I know you have spent time talking about his feelings, and that is fab, but how about adding time spent with him when you are just having fun, you are giving him loads of attention and telling him you love him, without any need for him to talk about his feelings or have his behaviour discussed. What does he like to do? (at this stage your heart might be in your boots as you realise that it might mean a day fishing on a riverbank, or going to watch a football match 
)
The challenge for you is to find out how to achieve that time alone with him, and that is another reason I was asking questions, to try to fathom your family circumstances. Maybe, if there is no alternative, one way is to get the little ones into bed and for him to have "grown up" time if you cannot get care for the younger children for a whole day?
Hi minimum, what a lot you have to contend with. People have given some brilliant suggestions, I just want to add a few more!
It would be good to contact Womens Aid, you can find your local one on their website. Tell them about your ex ex and hopefully they might have a childrens worker who could visit your son. They are extremely stretched, but they do excellent work.
You may be interested in attending a Freedom Programme course, where you can learn about the effects of an abusive relationship on the children and perhaps get some more ideas about what your son is facing.
It sounds as though you have been through lots of professional services, but I would encourage you to keep going. It sounds as though you could do with all the support you can get at the moment, sometimes it doesn't feel like the people who should be helping you are, but you will make steps forward and as they say Rome wasn't built in a day!
I love parenting programmes, there is no shame in attending them, you can learn so much about yourself, your children, your own upbringing and by attending them, means that you can get support with certain behaviours during your time there.
Would you consider doing another one?
It is good that your son is having help now. It's going to take time, and patience on your part. His behaviour could also stem from what he has seen. Your son has witnessed violence, and he is maybe thinking this is 'normal' behaviour. Can you ask someone to have the other children, so perhaps you can spend some time with him alone, really talk to him. Do you both talk about his Nan? That was obviously an upsetting time for the pair of you.