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I am currently 33 weeks pregnant.I left my partner because he was emotionally abusive to me and a drug user. He was not interested in my unborn baby until i left him,now he is threatening solicitors once my baby is born. I left because he is not a stable person to have around me or my son, I do not want my son having any involvement. Is it worth speaking to a solicitor about family law before the baby is born? I want to be prepared and keep myself and my unborn child safe.
hey i emailed and got an answer back the other day that was helpful.yes ive got a large very supportive family.i get worried when he makes these threats as i left so my baby would have a better chance of being happy without him in our lives. im trying my best to enjoy my pregnancy and am in the process of decorating my flat to get ready for the baby's arrival.
A very busy time for you. Will you be putting the father on the birth certificate? That is your choice, and it also means that he won't have Parental Responsibility, but can of course apply to the courts for it. As he has a drug problem, then I'm sure you're within your rights to ask for supervised contact. Others will be better to advise you though.
I'm glad you've got plenty of support from family, and of course everyone here will give also give it.
No im going to keep him off it, to be honest i think he is only threatening me with solicitors as a way to hurt/scare me. Well that's what i'm hoping,i guess only time will tell.
Hi SamanthaJayne
Not long until your baby is born, you must be feeling a real mix of emotions!
You have had some legal advice from our expert on here. If you decide that it is inappropriate for your ex partner to have contact with the child then it is for him to take legal action against you to get some defined parenting time. At that stage you would need to see a solicitor so try not to worry about that at the moment. The toher thing to say is that if he did want to see the baby then I presume you would also be present while the baby is tiny, especially if you are breastfeeding, and at that stage you will be able to make a judgement as to what is going on.....if what he wants to do is frighten you then he won't take it further
Yes it isn't long now. My head is all over the place, I know it was not a healthy relationship to be in. As the time goes on I have been questioning myself, asking was it as bad as i thought, have i made the right decision and what if he really can change and be a better person? In experiance i do not think that he can and that it would be more damaging for me to attempt it. I have to hold on to that, as i am feeling a massive sense of guilt for taking my unborn child and myself out of his life. The strange thing is that he was not interested in the baby until i left. I think he is saying we can be a family , I need you and the baby because he knows that is all i have ever wanted marraige and a father to my baby. He knows it is my week spot and when that did not work, he went on to threaten solicitors. I can not breastfeed due to a medical condition, I am hoping he does not take anything further. The reason that i left was to keep myself and my unborn baby safe, it will feel like a kick in the teeth if he gains access after all that has gone on.
As I say, wait until the baby arrives, he may well want to visit a couple of times and maybe then he could change the nappies or do the feed and he will get a clearer idea of what caring for a baby entails.
If i let him back into my life it will be very hard to get rid of him. He has a 7 year old son who is diabetic that he sees a couple of times a week for 6 hours in total. He has not learned to do insulin injections because it would be inconvient for him to have him stay for longer,"his mothers words." He does not pay for this son, his mother does and there is no court order that i am aware of reguarding access but he was married to the mother.
im 34 weeks pregnant and ive been emotionally abused by my (now ex) partner. we split up last week and ever since we have hes been texting me saying he hates hiself and that he loves me. i dont think he realises that hes emotionally abused me and made me clinically depressed. he made me that depressed i went through a stage of not wanting the baby anymore :'(. he wants to see the baby and be at the birth. i really dont know what to do, his family arent very nice and i dont know what to do regarding access to the baby when hes born, as i dont want him to take him away (which he has said he would do).
im sorry to hear that,i know how you feel as i am in exacty the same postion.it's been nearly 2 weeks sience i left my ex and ive had the loving messages and the threats,sometimes in the same message. There seems to be no pattern to it. No my ex does not think he has done anything wrong either, think he finds it easier to place the blame at my door. As the law stands if the father isn't on the birth certificate he has no parental rights, he can go to court and fight for visitation and to be put on it. If the man is deemed unstable and not safe i.e alhohol,drugs, abuse then he has less of a chance of geeting parental rights or vistation. He can't take the baby away, you don't have to have him at the birth. Save what ever messages you have recieved for once the baby is born, you can then see a solicitor reguarding family law once the baby is born.
I dont want to put my ex on the birth certificate or for the baby to have his surname, if i told my ex that he would hit the roof and so would his family. ive been told that if i dont let him see the baby im selfish and making the baby suffer by not letting him have a relationship with his dad. ive checked all the laws and the law is on our side not our exs, i just feel really guilty not letting him see the baby even though everybody says its for the best (apart from his family). im so stressed out i could cry, hes broken every promise he ever made me and he basically waited for me to end it so i look like the bad one where his family are concerned. i couldnt believe it when i read your post i thought i was the only one
Then don't,im not informing my ex when i go into labour or registering the baby with him so he can't be on the birth certificate. As i see it it is best for the babies dads not to be involved as they will only screw them up in the long run. All the promises made to me was broken and i know how heart breaking it is. luckly i have a supportive family helping me, have you got any family or close friend to help you through this? I think that there are lots of pregnant women that go through this, and a lot more that leave once the baby has been born which i believe must be even harder to do. I completed the freedom project online here to see if my ex was as bad as i thought he was and he ticked all the boxes. It's probably worth you having a look at it too. I am going to do the proper course once my baby is born as i think it will help me further.
thats true it must be really hard for a child to have a useless dad or one that comes as an when he pleases. my family and friends are behind me 100% which makes it a bit easier dont you think? i was going to wait until after the babys born as i was undecided as to whether to finish the relationship or not im so glad ive done it now. where is the freedom project thing? i hope everything works out for you and your baby are you having a girl or a boy if you dont mind me asking 
Hi stanleys_mommy. Just wanted to welcome you along to One Space. Click on the blue link here and it will take you to the freedom programme. Got to collect my son from school soon, but hope to 'chat' to you soon.
That's it my dad left when i was 5 and the vists to see him didn't help me at all,in hindsight i would've been better off not seeing him. I think it definatly helps to have supportive people behind you,to take your mind off things and to speak to when your feeling low. I thought about waiting until my baby was born as he promised he would change, but it came to the point when i had as much as i could take. Realistically i knew he would not change and was saying it as a way to keep me with him. There's a link above to the freedom project thing. I have found it really helpful, yet i also felt stupid for putting up with him. It is easier to see it in blck and white and to answer the questions on it. Yes i hope it will, I have got my family helping me to decorate and get my home ready for my baby, I'm having a little boy my first baby :) .
Hello stanleys_mommy
I have just sent you a lengthy reply on the Ask the Expert service but please d not feel guilty, yes it is great for a child to have a relationship with both parents if appropriate but not, if it isn't!!
Hi to samantha jayne too
Both of you could have a look at the Freedom programme...the first thing is a bit like a quiz: click here and come back and tell us which category your ex fits into (it could be more than one) as it lists the different type of abuse. I would just point out that not all abusers are men, and it works for abusive female partners too. Anyway have a look.
I have already done the online freedom project and my ex ticks all the boxes,that is why i suggested it to staleny's mummy as i thought it could help her too. I realise that not all abusers are men but in this case and stanleys mums case the abusive people are men, thanks for your support and advice.
Thanks samanthajayne, sorry I didn't quite pick that up before....
The reason I put that about the gender of abusers is merely because there is a tendency for those not in the know to assume it is always men, and as a site in the public domain we need to correct that....I was not assuming or implying that you thought that yourself of course! 
Hope you are feeling more settled in yourself for us having discussed this, you and stanleys_mommy are at about the same stage of pregnancy so it wouold be great to support each other along and we are all here for you both too.
thankyou for the help ive looked at the freedom programme :) i am also having my first baby which is a little boy :).
thankyou louise for the email it has helped a lot i do feel selfish and nasty for not letting him be part of the babys life and its going to cause me problems with his family and friends, as im going to be made out to be a very selfish person and probably a bad mom. i am going to change my phone number and if i have any problems if they come round and theyre abusive i will ring the police.
my ex has some of my belongings, only stupid stuff like my hair straighteners, body lotions, some clothes and other stuff and hes very reluctant about giving them me back, i would go and collect them myself but i really do not want to face his parents as they pretend to be nice to me. i asked him to bring it round today and he hasnt, im going to the doctors tomorrow and need to some shopping and im going to a christmas lights switch on on saturday so he cant bring them round when theres nobody in so he said monday if he can
ok so he bought my stuff round, gave it to my dad (i didnt know he was at the door) and went without asking to see or speak to me :/. i checked all of my stuff was there and there was a note saying he loves me and wants me back - he was with his friend (who doesnt like me) when he came so he obviously values his friendship more than me. it really annoys me that the situation is the way that it is and if i take him back im making myself more vunerable than before. he text me that he had dropped my stuff off and then asked if im ok and i put 'ye' even though ive got problems with my blood which im not telling him as its not any of his business. he then asked me if i wanted him to buy some boots i wanted - i declined. i just want him to leave me alone now, but i bet he wont.
im sorry for going on btw i just need to get it off my chest
hey im glad he brought your stuff back, it's best that you didn't see him as are vunerable at the moment and need time to heal. When i left last time i had notes in my stuff and went back, this time i am sending family to get my belongings and am trying not to speak to him as it makes it harder. The horrible messages are easier to take, it's harder when he is saying all the things i want to hear but know won't come true.
It's very hard. Stay strong
Glad you have got your stuff back. You're not being nasty if you judge that things would be better with a complete separation. The main consideration as well as your own safety must be the wellbeing of the child. Changing your number is a good idea if you are getting a lot of hassle.
Thank you, I feel like im getting stronger each day,its the messages that set me back. That is the reason i left to put myself and the baby first. I will ring my network provider and see what they can do.
I agree that the so called "nice" messages are the hardest to deal with. Good luck with the number change
Stay strong.
thanks but he isn't due until 2nd of jan,i wanted to get out of the relationship before he was born as couldn't see anything changing after.
That sounds like a really good idea, before the baby comes
That's what i thought, I knew it would be harder afterwards and i want to enjoy the first few weeks with my son when hes born. I have my family supporting me, whichis helping out massivly.
Me reading posts to quickly 
I'm glad you have your family supporting you though. I'd lost both my parents by the time I split up, and boy have I needed them.
It would be nice if you can enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy too...
Hey that's ok, i'm sorry to hear that,must be awful for you. I am enjoying it now, my baby turned due to the stress when i left but have seen the midwife and he is back in the head down position again now.
1st day with no contact from him, feel on edge waiting for the next call or message. Sitting here alone in my flat missing him so much. I know leaving him was the best choice. I'm grieving for the man that he promised he was or could be. I think it hurts more not hearing any messages or calls, wheather they are the nasty messages or the nice ones. Feeling very sorry for myself :(
Sorry to hear that you felt so down last night......hope you are feeling brighter this morning, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said grief for what might/could have been. Separations are indeed a form of bereavement. I am sending you a poem by a writer called Edna St Vincent Millay, which I think is very true:
"I can't forgive you. Even if I could
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you.
And yet I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were, before I knew you"
I wonder if that has a resonance for a few of us. What are your plans for the weekend samantha jayne?
I'm not feeling as bad today, I find the nights harder than the days. I know my relationship wouldn't be a healthy one if I went back but I still feel hurt over all the broken promises that I recieved. Yes that poem definatly makes sense to me, thank you for posting it. Spending time with my family this weekend, as it is the best thing for me to do at the moment.
Yes it is......glad you have them to support you
Sorry i havent replied for a few days theyve been rather hecktic. my exs parents came round earlier without warning which irritated me. his mom came to the door (hir dad stayed in the car) she asked why i hadnt been texting her back so i said ive changed my number, then she kept asking me to write it down so i got very annoyed and said exactly what i felt: i dont see the point, me and ***** arent in a relationship anymore so i dont need to talk to u. she said i care about u, ur carrying my grandson.
i said (well shouted) thats all u care about. and shut the door. i went into the kitchen i was so angry (im not sure why :( ) my mom let her in and she was pretending to cry (no tears) she stood the other side of the table and said my sons made an effort everytime he asks to come round u say no. my dad told her he has made NO effort at all which she didnt like. then she said we need to sort this out so we can prepare for wen the babys born and he comes round mine and stays!
Hey that's ok,i did wonder how you was getting on. Bloody hell, what a cheek her turning up like that! Your angry because you've left him and she is interfering. How the hell does she think your baby will stay with her? She can try court for rights as a grandparent but i doubt she will get very far. I'm lucky as my ex mother in-law doesn't give a sh*t. I've had a*sey voicemails on a spare sim card about picking my stuff up from hers and ignored it. I changed my number and blocked my ex on facebook and it feels so good not to constantly be on edge waiting for what he is going to say next!
i was so angry, i said hes not going to urs. she im getting (my exs dad) i got up and said hes never going to urs thats it. she went outside to him and my mom and dad went and spoke to them. his dad doesnt care tbh he looked like he was going to laugh. if i said ur never seein him i dont think he wud care. ive never been this angry at somebody ever, i think its because i blame my ex and anybody to do with him i dont like. i dont want them to take my baby away from me :'( im dreading when hes born its causing so many problems i was fine til they turned up and all my negative feelings have came out i keep crying. its not fair nobody deserves this, especially a baby
Exactly, i would go off my head if my exes mum turned up. I left to protect myself and my unborn son, there is no way I am letting them anywhere near him. If I did then I have failed and what was the point in me leaving if they are still in his life? It's a waiting game for me, I am already worrying that he will go for parternal rights and access and it scares the sh*t out of me! Well his parents brought him up and helped shape him into the man he has become, so i can understand your anger. When i was spoken to like sh*t infront of my exes brother, the brother complained to their mum about it and her reply was she is used to it!How could I let a woman like that in still values into my son,that it's ok to speak to women like that. I found it disgusting!
Theyre a joke! she knows i have a short fuse so she pushed it too far. she mustve known how he treated me i basically lived with them the b****. i really do hate her with a passion. she didnt want me to have the baby in the first place she didnt speak to me for a while then she wanted to dictate to me how it was guna be. she wanted me to get 2 moses baskets, 2 car seats etc for wen the baby stays there! in her dreams
Well if she didn't she must be f***ing stupid! Before i left she was going to but bay bits for his as he doesn't work. I got 3 babygrows!Apparently that's all you need for a baby!Yet she spent £7,000 making a tattoo studio and sending him on a tattoo course, I know where her priorities lay!
*buy baby
Thats more than what ive had im not 'allowed' anything until the babys born, shes meant to have bought nappies, wipes nd clothes nd a bouncy chair and 2 bin liners of 2nd hand clothes off sumbody she works with. i dont want 2nd hand but my ex wudnt say no. my ex has bought a pack of baby grows, a snow suit, 2 hats and the first moses basket and stand that he put in his nans house which has got fleas so I had to buy a new one. he gave me the clothes and had no intention of giving me the moses basket til after the birth :/ i told him to shove it up his a**e lol
I've left the few bits there i brought,nappies baby toiltries,milk and cheap bouncer. F*** it i'm not dancing to their tune about picking it up.Wow at least he brought some things I got a teddy and the stupid thing was that I was greatful and thought finally he is taking an interest in his son and wants him. I did but daddy loves me babygrow set from mothercare,changed them for farmyard ones, as if my sons going to wear things that say that. Because he has never cared until I left. I think after saying he would change, he loved me, then gained a interest in our unborn child, which is a load of b*llocks! I found a song on youtube taylor swift, your not sorry. It explains how I'm feeling! lol when he kept going on at me about the stuff getting picked I i told him f*** it i would buy more for my son, seeing as i am the only one who gives a sh*t.
their parents make things worse by encouraging them to be tw*ts. my ex text me about an hour after everything happened asking me for 1 more chance i thought f*** off u had ur last chance and didnt text him bk. he doesnt deserve anything ive told him we arent ever getting bk together but he doesnt listen his parents encourage his idiocity so i cba
Well it's acceptable behaviour for them f***, my ex is 43 and still gets everything off mummy or sulks!I changed my mobile number,the texts were getting to me. I know he won't change,i've given chances in the past and he hasn't stepped up so why do it to myself to be hurt all over again!
Exactly im 19 so i get stick for being young and my ex is 18 and went immature as soon as he found out about the baby. his dad encouraged him to try to control me and look at other girls. they slagged off my college work cuz i got distinctions and basically tried to turn me into his mom. i look back and hate myself for being so stupid. i cant just walk away hes always going to be there
I'm 24 and ended up giving up my college course just before I had finished :(. He doesn't sound worth it, if he does what his dad says. That is no way to treat a woman. As for your college work you should be proud of what you have achieved. I know how you feel, I feel so stupid for being taken in by him and treated like it. He may not always be there, he could loose interest.
:( i nearly failed as they broke my memory stick. i want whats best for the baby theyre bad influences the type u dont want ur kids by. people say why did u get pregnant? it was cuz i cudnt see what was happening to me and now im an emotional wreck. with any luck they will back off after today. my ex doesnt understand if he wants contact its my way or no way. im glad ive got counselling on the 13th i need to get a grip before its too late
Bloody hell that is not on at all. Yes that it what i want for my baby too, I didn't realise at the time what a horrible man he was. I think I was in love with the idea of a husband,family and a man who loved me and the way it was, was so, so different! I'm not doing contact unless forced by the courts and even then I will fight it all the way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I can see all the signs now and was so stupid for putting up with his sh*t for so long.
My ex and his parents want contact their way, my feelings dont matter to them. i really do think that my ex thinks a baby is to hold and push around in a pram and when it cries its my job to sort it. hes got a childish attitude towards the whole situation, i really wouldnt be able to leave the baby alone with him even for me to go for a wee i would be worried. if he hurt my tummy what if he hurts the baby? i never wanted or imagined being a single mom but i dont have much choice, if i give him another chance he wont ever let me go and everything will go his way even if im not comfortable with it. i really hope my exs dad tells him to cut his loses and leave me and the baby alone. i know his family are going to say im a b****, but then if i let them see him its guna be shes not doin it right she shudnt be a mom. i dont know what to do for the best :(
Hi samanthajayne. Welcome along. Firstly, congratulations of the pregnancy. Not long to go now. Secondly, click on this link here it is free legal advice on One Space. Give as much detail as you can, and there'll e.mail you back as soon as they're able. In the meantime, don't worry about the ex. Enjoy the rest of the pregnancy. Do you have any family and friends to support you?