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I am 7 months pregnant and have a 6 year old. My son's father was abusive and withheld money, called me names, threatened me and was persistently aggressive. I left him in Jan 07 but he still threatens me - only this week texting me to hope I die in childbirth. He says I am inflexible. He has my son for fri, sat sun night one weekend and sun day and night the other. if he can see him during the week I fit in. He never changes any plans to meet mine. I work long hours and have no financial support from him. I feel trapped and stupid. His family minimise the issues.
I met a man last year and he told me he was great with kids, loved me and wanted more children. We got on. I fell in love with him and we looked at houses together. I fell pregnant and he was pleased and we talked about our future. As time has gone on he has got distant. He says my son has behaviour problems and I am two people - a stressed mum or relaxed when I am alone. He never visits me at my house and I visit him at weekends. He argued with me about the money I need to pay mortgage and survive during my mat leave and says he wants it to be 'organic' ie I will somehow look after a newborn, my son and work full-time after a short maternity leave. He says I am complex, has called me a liar and have anger problems. He also says I am a decent woman. He can be bias in his viewpoints and I disagreed with him about something to do with my job when I left on Monday morning for work. He hasn't texted or rung since. I work full-time and will work to 40 weeks pregnant. I can't end it because I need his financial support during the mat leave - he is retired and very wealthy. I lose sleep worrying about how I will cope. I feel depressed and full of self-hatred. I have messed up again and so want this to be all right and I humiliate myself by being all smiley with him when he has no plans to live with me. I regret the pregnancy because this baby will grow up in this situation and I will never see her when I am back to work full-time.
Hello franny70
I echo what alisoncam says, you have enough on your plate without all this worry.
Firstly I can see that the most immediate of your worries are financial. Each of the children's fathers have to support that child, if neccessary through the CSA. You also need to sort out what your situation is now and after the birth. We have a fantastic team of financial advisers that can help you sort this out. Click here to email them, it is a free service and confidential. If you get that information from them, you will be in a stronger position to make decisions about the future.
Get an exercise book and make a record of everything that happens with your eldest's father. Every text, every tantrum and every parenting time he has, with dates. Does your son enjoy seeing his dad? You need to receive some financial support from him, and the 1-2-1 advisers will be able to tell you about this.
Regarding your current relationship, it sounds as if this man is seeking to justify his own behaviour by blaming things on you. Don't let that make you take on what he is throwing at you. You will survive, with or without him and so will your children.
It is important to get as much rest as possible right now and even though your problems have not been "solved", you have taken the first steps towards taking control and moving forward, well done. We will keep supporting you, and I urge you to send that email about your money situation: that will start to put YOU in charge. Remember, the Samaritans are at the end of the phone 24/7 (08457 909090) and we are on here every day.
Take good care
Please, don't be hard on yourself.
Strangely enough I had a b/f - who I now call the friend who's pushing it - and in a way the same pattern happened with him.
Somehow, being on your own can be easier as I find I just have me to deal with...
I know money is such a worry, but there are benefits which could well mean that you can enjoy some maternity leave without having to rely on him.
Loads of hugs.
thank you so much for replying to me - I haven't logged on for a while. I told my midwife how I was feeling too. Things aren't much better with the father of my unborn daughter telling me' he loves me but it is complex', 'his 19 year old daughter is very worried about everything and wouldn't appreciate me and my son moving in' 'I am vulnerable because of my last relationship'. He hasn't quantified what 'complex' is exactly but yes he does blow hot and cold, says one reassuring line and takes it away with the next. I am trying to be brave.
thanks - will keep posting to help me and try to stop taking so much responsibility for everything. Feeling worried still and just wish I could start to feel some joy for my unborn child. I am doing my best x
hello Franny70
..and that is all you can do; your best. Good to hear from you. I am glad you had a chat to the midwife.
Did you email the 1-2-1 advisers as I suggested? At least you can get the money side sorted out.
What are your Christmas plans?
Hi Franny70. You're still worrying about the unknown, which is totally understandable, but you have a joyous occassion to look forward too, with or without the support from the Father. You will be absolutely fine, and it's great that you've chatted to the midwife about how you're feeling. For now, just try and focus on your six year old, your unborn child and more importantly yourself.
I'm sure your six year old is anxiously waiting for Christmas Day.
Take care.
Aww, such a lovely post Alison.
I have found the person you can rely on in life is yourself, however daunting that may be. The men who have been in my life have been very quick to come up with excuses, rather than get on with things and focus on the here and now.
Do take care, and I hope you and your son have a lovely and peaceful Christmas.
Hi franny70
I have just read your posts and am wondering how your Christmas was and how you are feeling in the new year?
Both of these men in your life are being abusive, DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY, you need to listen to yourself, you know when you are right. I understand you worry about money and how useful it will be to have extra while on maternity leave, however luckily in this country you don't get left on the shelf, there are benefits to support you. You might have to live in near poverty however YOU will be the one in control.
Please do email our 1-2-1 advisors who have 30 years of experience of supporting single parents with benefits, CSA and debt issues, they are superb and can give you useful information and it is all confidential.
You will be entitled to child maintenance as soon as your baby is born, all of the childs fathers assets will be taken into account. As well as email our 1-2-1 service you could have a look at www.cmoptions.org where you can find out how much child support you are entitled to.
You say you are full of self hatred, what a horrible place that is, I think many of us on here have been there. Don't do that to yourself, you need to see the positive things in you and your children.
Is your health visitor going to offer you further support about how you feel about yourself? Has she suggested you contact Womens Aid?
Hi franny70. Welcome again to One Space. You say you've messed up again, but you haven't. You've been very unfortunate with the men that you've hooked up with. You were strong enough to leave an abusive partner before, (your 6 year olds Father), and I'm sure you'll be strong enough to do the same with the unborn baby's one. Right now though, you're heavily pregnant, worried sick, and extremely tired.
With your son's father and the nasty texts, don't delete them, save anything you have, so if you go ahead and report him, you have evidence. The man you are with now, seems to blow hot and cold. I know you say you need his financial help during your maternity leave, but you don't need the stress that goes with this.
To be honest, I'm not too sure what to suggest with regard to the financial side of things, but Louise our moderator is brilliant when it comes to this. I'm sure she will be able to direct you, so please keep posting.