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Ok so here goes.. My two boys 8 and 10 years old, see their Dad every other weekend - Sat afternoon/eve and Sunday and returning to me on a Sunday eve.. Ex used to see them Fri eve through to Sunday eve, but i changed this..
I chopped out the Friday evening because my Ex said he wouldn't be able to take my oldest to his footy matches on a Saturday morning (which i pay dd per month for)..
My boys like seeing their Dad, but don't like staying at his house.. My Ex has 2 dogs, 6 puppies (at present), 2 cats and 2 bearded dragons, he and his wife smoke like paratroppers in the house, my boys tell me that dirty washing is piled up in the bathroom and fags are stubbed out in coke cans throughout the house.. Last weekend he had our boys cleaning up his and his wifes bedroom along with their half sister, whilst his wifes two kids (11 and 15 respectively) sat about the house and their dad cooked dinner.. My oldest said he felt like throwing up, it was so smelly and messy in there (his words).. When they are there they do nothing except play on computers/consoles and watch t.v. or walk to the pub, although my ex promises them they will go to the park, it never happens.. They sleep on a sofa bed in the smallest bedroom (belonging to the ex's wifes 15 year son) and can't get to sleep because the 15 yr old stays up listening to music, playing on his playstation and watching 12+ rated movies!.. (the half sister, 8 and stepsister 11 share a room -the larger bedroom).. My youngest loves his dad but is very angry and frustrated with him and often takes this out on me.. My oldest is angry too but is fortunately a little more understanding of it all and will tell me whats happens, but doesn't take it out on me..
To top it all off, the Ex doesn't make any effort to come to pick them up from mine or bring them back home and always says he didn't have time to sort out transport or ask someone to help hiim, yet he is able to find a car (he doesn't haave a car at the mo) to transport his wife to work and his mates about the place!.. So its my parents and i always make the journey's.. He pays maintainance though i had to involve the CSA in the end because he kept stopping and starting his standing order to me when he felt like it. Payments have just recently started coming direct from his employer to me which he is not happy about and has now said he is going to be leaving his job and finding a new one.. He sees them only every other weekend and makes no effort to speak to them or anything inbetween time despite having a mobile, home phone, email and skype! He pays nothing towards any of their school uniform/clothes/shoes/clubs etc and makes no effort to attend parents eves, award evenigs, special events etc despite me giving him plenty of advance notice.. What also upsets my boys is that their dad regularly attends school events/parents eves; footy matches with his stepson; gymnastic/karate events with his daughter and step daughter and so on..
He's always moaning at me how much he misses his boys and constantly has a pop at me about money and the CSA saying he can't afford it!
I don't know what the hell i am doing anymore, i've spoken to him numerous times about all the above, not all in one go but over the last 9 years and have kept the connection between dad and his boys, but for what? why? so he can't let his boys down, so he can ignore them and enjoy the company of his 'new' family.. How is all this fair on my boys, i feel a rubbish mum when i think how i have kept the contact going with their dad..
So what do i do now? The boys love their dad, they just want him to come to their things and pay them a bit of attention, is that much to ask? But they also are fed up with the above mentioned..
Sorry to go on, but seriously, i've had enough and somehow i want it to change.. I want to make changes to ensure my boys are happy..
x x
hi midgeymoo im in bit of same position as you with my children with visits to their dads its like what louise has said you cant make a person change their ways or how they live i have 3 children and my ex has a dirty house by what the kids say resulting in the 2 elder ones not going up to visit him at all now. middle one who is 14 told him at christmas that his house freaked her out as she as a phobia to muck and germs his reply to that was he cant help it he has no money she was quick to reply that you dont need to have money to be clean just bear with it and wait for your kids to decide that no longer want to visit dont let it wind you up you cant change the situation at the end of day its his loss that his children no longer want to see him because of the living conditions
Hello jam11, thanks for sharing. It's good that your daughter was able to speak out to her dad about how she felt. What a shame if he does not take it on board!
Hello midgymoo
Sorry to hear that your boys are having problems in their contact time with their dad. I know that not only do you feel sorry for them, you feel frustrated with his behaviour and his lack of interest in them...and this leads to you feeling responsible for what is happening and wanting to fix it as your boys deserve so much better.
Let's look at a few truths:
We cannot "make" another person do anything
You have no legal remedy unless the boys are being really mistreated or exposed to a dangerous situation
Their dad will continue to complain about not having time with the boys, even whilst abusing the time he does have.
The money may well remain unstable and you will need to take that account in your own budget. If he is paying the CSA recommended amount then you have no way of making him pay more towards uniforms and activities.
The family home where their dad lives sounds pretty overcrowded and it would be hard for him to accommodate them better.
So, having said all that, what can you do?
It all boils down to one thing: playing your part. This is what you already do...you let him know re events, you provide him with the information and the opportunities and it's up to him. The ones who are hurt by this are, of course, the boys. This is a really tough thing to accept but in the end they will see all this very clearly for themselves, in fact from what you have said, they are noticing already. You need to be there to listen and console as they express their feelings about him. As they get older you can encourage them to say this to their dad themselves and certainly by the age of 13 or so they are old enough to speak up about it. In the meantime, although the family situation you describe is unsatisfactory, it will change as all the children grow. Having said that, it is not fair for the boys to take things out on you and you need to make that clear. There is a difference in encouraging someone to share their feelings and tolerating being that person's punch-bag, emotional or otherwise.
The only other practical step you could consider at this point is writing a letter to their dad, making sure you are not accusing him of anything, more along the lines of "The boys love you and would like to be able to do more things with you when they come and stay. In between visits they would really enjoy hearing from you or chatting to you as they want to share their news with you. Could we arrange a regular weekly chat time?"
But in the end, you are fairly disempowered in this situation, midgymoo. There is definitely something about them making up their own minds and in time, they may vote with their feet but it is something you need to sit with for quite some time.