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Having a teenager or two in the house can be a stressful time for any parent, especially one who is managing alone.
We can no longer tell them exactly what to do and how to do it and we want them to learn by their mistakes but at the same time we don't want them to make the same ones as we made.
They can be adorable and they can be incredibly infuriating! The other day I was feeling frustrated about my teen and then I had to stop and check myself, what was I really like at her age?! So here is a thread for us to remember the pains that we put our parents through!
What were your highlights? What were your low points? What things did you do that you would you never tell your parents, even now? 
Hmmm,
I think I was probably a nighmare! My mum was VERY over protective and a massive worrier being out after 7pm was literally forbidden before age 16. I would occassionally stay out later than this but as I knew what a worrier my mum was I would ring her every hour or so and simply say "hi mum im still alive but not coming home yet" and then hang up before she could scream at me. When I eventually strolled in at around 10pm I would inevitably be grounded but it always felt worth it :o)
My mum also had really strong views on alcohol - I was forbidden to have it until I was 18 - of course I had it often on the park etc. and would douse myself in perfume and chew a whole packet of gum before going home. Suprisingly no matter how drunk I got whenever I came face to face with my mum I would become stone cold sober and never got busted!
The worse part of me was by far my "give a damn" attitude. At that age i had no real concept of anyones feelings but my own. I would often come home to a home cooked meal that my mum had slaved over and be like "im not eating that, im going chippy" or if my mum treated me to new clothes there was no appreciation, she would usually get something like "I wouldnt be seen dead in that".....
Lord help me, I have a mini me in the making.....
Anna i was a good girl and never did anything that my parents would not approve off NOT.
I was horrendous in many ways, back chatting, coming in late, hanging out with the older boys, smoking, i suppose the usual teen stuff, littleangel the comment about clothes that your mum bought brought back memories of arguments over what i wanted to wear.
Interesting, thanks for sharing!
I think it is good to remember, so that we can discourage our children from doing the same, and also IF they do the same we don't rant and rave at them, but actually find some common ground for conversation.
littleangel you don't want your littleangel to be behaving like you did behind your back, how could you ensure she doesn't?
Imdoingthis, how can you encourage confidence in your children, but also the wisdom to listen?
We do hold the answers to these questions, as we know what kind of parenting we would have needed back then to ensure we didn't misbehave.
At 15 I decided that my parents didn't know how to parent me so moved out our family home (obnoxious huh!), I had nowhere to go and ended up in a squat! I think because of this, my daughter is a complete home girl and I am surprised sometimes that she still lives at home at 18 and a half! (I have to say I am thankful though!)
I'm really Have no idea I'm rubbish
The only thing I think and it's probably not great is to be open and give them as much info as u can
If u arm them with info and they mess up least u told them but then they might not listen ... Ahhh I don't like this ;) going to sleep on this one x
Smoking by the age of 12, 1st cigerette given to me by the vicers daughter at a guides 'bring and buy' sell (Yes-constrictive, religious up-bringing does make you rebel!!).
Drinking alcohol, listening to 60's music with the bohemien neighbours aged 13 (this I have never seen as a negative).
14/15..pretty much the same. 16-17 trying to navigate the adult world and feeling grateful for having met the bohemien neighbours!!
Oooh what an interesting thread, Anna.
IDT, yes, keeping the lines of communication open is always a good thing. What I found was that as I was a single mum of boys, I had to be very open so that they could talk to me about "growing up stuff"
It sounds as if all of us had things going on in our teenage years. I was very sneaky. On the surface I was a right swot: good at lessons, went to church youth group etc This enabled me to get away with all sorts of stuff; I was good friends with the wildest girl in the school and we had such parties! Not going into TOO much detail but whilst there were no drugs there was absolutely everything else. The wild friend lived in a posh area and the sight of us all drunkenly dancing on the front lawn whilst wearing VERY little did not go down well with the neighbours, haha.
I suppose it brings my son's somersaulting off the sofa into a bit of perspective.......
I used to swim competitively and then started to play badminton, so I was always at our local sports centre.
I was a good girl. I had two foster sisters who were so aggresive and sometimes violent that I had to be.
I do find now that I am all grown up that I wish I had been a bit more rebelious.
And look where being good and working hard has got me 
Ooh this is interesting I have to say!
IDT I think you are right, being honest and informative has been great with my daughter, as she got older I have shared some of my experiences of boys, drugs, smoking, friends, parties etc and (maybe I scared her 
) but she seems to have her head screwed on. My daughter has had her scary moments, but she has been able to talk about them which I believe is positive.
A friend of hers drinks far too much and often ends up in inappropriate situations, however she wont' talk to her mum cos she thinks she will go mad.(little does she know her mum was a wild child too! but probably would go mad too!)
Hi Poppy10, it sounds as though your Bohemian neighbours opened your eyes to a different world, would they let you smoke in their home? Would you let an underage teen smoke in your home?
sparklinglime, do you think your children will follow in your footsteps? Perhaps your wild child within may yet have reared its head, its never too late! Although a friend of mine started to rebel in her mid twenties, after many years of being 'good', she may have fun for a while, but she says that she regrets it now as she became addicted to cigarettes.
Louise, I am glad that it put your sons bouncing on the sofa into perspective! I think sometimes we need to think about our own actions, before feeling completely let down by our children!
OK, so how would we have preferred our teen years to have been?
This is tough I grew up thanking my mum for giving me the freedom she did and being the 'cool' mum my mates wanted Then I resented the lack of caring as she let me do this So I think the same freedom but to feel love and boundaries with the freedom So she let me stay out late brill ;) but she didn't know if I was in the house till 9 ish next day she didn't care to much She later said I knew u were doing drugs it was obvious but at the time she said nothing let me stay out etc just no conversation about anything She laughed at me said god the men are passing on the path one leaving one arriving I was 15 FFs so men not boys but mum u let them and it was to much going on to young Just to feel a bit loved a bit protected and with no dad then no siblings it was not a nice feeling x I blame my mum for a lot f*ck knows how I don't get my children blaming me
No they won't cos I'm not like her x
Hi everyone
Interesting reading your threads. I spent my whole childhood striving to please my Mum. She gave love conditional on living life her way. It was a very tense household with very little fun and spontanaeity. I struggle to create the opposite in my home.
My Mum didn't allow me to grow up. She used shame based methods to keep me dependant on her (sort of gaslighting) and pitted me against my rebellious sister. As I had spent my whole childhood being "responsible" for my Mum's feelings I didn't cause any problems in my teen years.
I hardly ever went anywhere and when I did it was to friends houses (all good girls) or the cinema if I got dropped off and picked up by my parents. I do remember wishing we could do things as a family. Some of my friends were close to their parents and would go bowling, swimming, iceskating together. I felt totally disconnected from my family as in the evening they watched TV and went to bed and at the weekend/holidays we would go on organised semi-educational days out.
I have no interest in clothes or make up and I don't know if this is my personality or my Mum's influence. Although she always looked nice, had her hair done, make up on, wore the clothes she wanted, I had to wear everything she wanted me to. Up until I was 14 I wasn't even allowed to have a say in my hairstyle it was a short bob and that was it.
She was so controlling but the worst of it was I went along with it and made up a whole story that she was the best Mum in the world. In reality my childhood was painfully lonely and disconnected, with no unconditional love and little effort made to understand my personality. Certainly no allowances were made for my emotions. I was considered too sensitive when I got upset - no attempt was made to help me deal with it.
I do feel sad that I missed out on teenage life but I also feel sad that my sister when the opposite way but for all the same reasons. Neither of us had the family life we deserved, although at least she had a father.
The main thing I concentrate on with my kids is validating their feelings and helping them deal with them. My plan is to keep talking to them and to not make any judgemental comments or try and manipulate them. It takes constant vigilance though, although much easier now I am more emotionally healthy.
The worst thing my Mum would do would ignore me if I upset her. She wouldn't accept an apology or talk to me about what had happened. Eventually she would just go back to normal. It was very stressful living like that and of course as a child I thought it was my fault. Now I am a Mum I can see it was all down to her issues. A lot of the things that upset her were not even real problems.
Wow feels good to get that out! Thanks!
Gem
x
Hello IDT, no you are not her, you are you and the way you parent is your choice. You have recognised the "boundary" issue as being problematic for you during your teens. Lots of parents do try to be "cool" as you say, and be their children's best friends. Of course you need to keep talking and keep the communication and love flowing but also the structure you create are the boundaries, they keep your teen safe as you gradually let go, at the pace they can cope with and in the meantime, teens secretly love boundaries as it gives them something to kick against.
I love the way you are thinking about everything nowadays...you're creating a new you!!!
Hello Gem
It's your relationship with your Mum that carved out the way you were in your teens as you are very aware. In my counselling work, I have noticed that this sort of conditional love often leads to the child finding it really hard to get in touch with their own emotions and in particular to be able to make choices which are beneficial for them. Just as the child of an alcoholic may have learned to be their parent's carer, so the child of a parent who uses these passive-aggressive tactics to control things will have got so used to squashing their own feelings that their sense of self can be quite hard to discover. Hence the people-pleasing!!
I know you have done a LOT of work to move past this, Gem, and one of the decsions you have made is to be different with your own children. As thet get older, don't be afraid to put those boundaries in place as teens need these to feel safe when everything in their lives feels scary
The things with me and my mum go deep beyond what I can understand,she resented me and I grew up resenting her because of a lot of things
But I don't know why I grew up not being a stable adult I don't have any childhood memories before age 7 well a few but not nice ones probably a good thing.
We don't talk now she supports my ex partner and iv been told she's with him.
I carnt figure out why I grew up feeling so insecure so needy really, met him and I was sooo insicure why??? What creates that in a 16/17 year old
hello IDT it makes a lot of sense to me, she did not make you feel safe and you were also not sure whether/how much you were loved. Along he came and all of a sudden this was someone who was so focused on you, and even as the relationship became restrictive, this felt "safe" to you at last...but as you had not had those boundaries set in the first place, it was hard for you to tell what was abuse or not. You can tell the difference now though!!!
Are you saying that you think your mum may be in a relationship with your ex now?
Thankyou Louise it's hard to see exactly yourself x
Yes him and my mum in a relationship together puts a few things into perspective like why she gave a statement agansr me in court to get my kids etc
I want my kids to grow up balanced and happy and secure I liked that triangle on other thread x
Yes I agree it is hard to see things for ourselves, that is one way that counselling helps.
How shocking for you that this has happened with your mum now.
Your wish for your children is wonderful and I really take my hat off to you that you are working towards this 
as a teenager i stomped around alot in the house , slammed doors, said i hated my parents, felt really alone- dont know why! hormones i suppose
outside of the house i was a real angel! my mum always said ur own kids will treat u the same way as u treat ur parents- i hope mine dont stomp and slam as much! :-0
Hi all, I am liking this thread!
IDT, I think our children will always blame us, regardless of what we do, however if we do right by them, they won't notice until they have their own children! I can understand you feeling so furious with your mum, when you were a teen and also now, but I hope now you are a parent you can recognise how strong you are. She found it difficult to lay down rules, she finds it difficult to stand on her own and make her own decisions, whereas you are independant minded and know in your heart what is right and wrong and for you and your family and will fight till the end to make things good.
Hi Gem, thanks for sharing, it sounds as though you are working hard to keep spontaneity, I hope that the more you do things light hearted and fun, the more natural it becomes. Do you ever feel yourself behaving/or wanting to behave like your mum? Or do you find the opposite, that when your children are cross, you revert to behaving/feeling like you did when you were small?
Hi chocolate81 - it sounds as though you displayed all the typical teenage behaviours, yet blame it on your hormones rather than your parents (although you probably saw it very differently then!) It sounds pretty healthy though, so when your teens do it, you can have a secret giggle as you know what they are doing rather than be shocked, upset and worried about their future!?
I kinda know what your saying Anna I except she is different to me and things I reckon the thing I carnt except is her lack of maternallness is that's a word she never protected me never stood up for me she basically didn't want me and spent rest of her life resenting me because she f***ed her life up. You just don't reject your kids turn ur back on em I'd come in from school shed not make dinner etc no effort
Hi IDT,
It can be difficult to try to understand why some people do the things that they do, thats probably because we are not them or had their experiences, your mum may not have been taught how to be maternal or there could have been issues from her childhood that she has struggled with as an adult.
I think you may have mentioned in a previous post that your mum had abusive relationships (apologies if i have got that wrong) this can also be a reason that women don't parent their children how they want to and after a while it is difficult to try to re connect with their children even when they are no longer in the abusive relationship.
I'm not trying to make excuses for your mum as we all have choices to make, i was just trying to help you understand that there may have been reasons behind the choices or things that she has done.
On the plus though your experiences have not all been great it has meant that you are in a better position to make the right choices for you and your children.
Sorry for crashing this thread but it is related to teen behaviour.
Thought i would share something P said at the weekend after reminding her several times each day to do her chores (there still not done!!) I thought it was classic!!
She said "mum you know when you get one of those days when you don't want to do anything" So i said "yeah i can understand you having one of thoses days, so what about yesterday" her "well i was having one of those days then too".
I think all her days are one of those days especially when it comes to doing her chores.
Hi Sally
I think you put it well and I get it what your saying, it doesn't excuse something's she's done in my book but I do understand what your saying.
X
It's good to understand our parents' point of view, even if we don't agree with it....and one of the most helpful aspects of it is we can decide to parent OUR children differently to how our own parents were with us....as you have decided IDT
Back to teens, Sally your story made me smile. My son went through a phase of "eurrrgh I soooooo tired I really don't want to dooooooo my jobs " and I would say "yes I totally understand, I feel like that today too. So I am not going to the shop to buy any food and I can't be bothered to make any tea, let's just chill instead" That soon shifted him, heh heh. I always thought this was a bit of a gamble, in case he said Ok then!! it probably only worked with him because he is such a hungry-nose.
But I wonder how remembering how we were as teens will help us in our parenting? I can remember being really rude to my Mum cos she had not done the laundry, she was moaning about being tired from work and I said "but the washing is YOUR JOB" She was furious. I understand that now but when I was a teen I really believed she was not pulling her weight heh heh, so that is one reason my boys have always had jobs so it is very clear whose job is whose
I think there's great skill needed to be able to communicate well and get through to teens ha ha I was a nightmare cos I thought I knew it all and thought I was invincible too x
Ah but we all thought we were invincible, IDT! But remembering what it felt like to be a teen has definitely helped me with mine.
Can I ask everyone when they think their "teen behaviour" really started in earnest? I still have a diary from when I was thirteen...good grief, what a little madam I was!
Ah interesting Louise you have got me thinking, it probably started about 11 - 12 years old and escalated as i got older.
14 me I reckon
I'm just wondering what it will be like when my lots teenagers
Any ideas on either sex being harder or easier to parent ;)
I just think they are different IDT. In the teen years, as a general rule, girls will try to engage more and provoke a reaction whereas boys can shut themselves away, equally concerning as you dont know what is going on for them. Then throw into the mix different personalities and wow, the parent has to be on the ball, but luckily there is lots of support out there.
Have you found things different with boys/girls in your own family?
Yes I have so far boys being more loving
My daughter can be hard very mentally tiring but her being more reliable and mature than the boys so I guess just different like you said.
I was a bit nieve and years ago thought my kids would be more simler and was shocked at how different they all were ( don't know what I expected!) iv got a real mixture and it's nice.
So I guess that will be in the mix of the their teenager behavour too x
Having 'a' teenager in the house must be a doddle. Having 3 at the same time is a whole other kettle of fish! ... 
I was always good. When I say so in front of my mother and children she will confirm this.
(Without the children she says I was horrible, but I don't believe her. Yes I always contradicted stuff, but then my parents have brought me up to think for myself and just follow the group. Also - as I point out to her - I didn't smoke [everyone did it, including my parents. I was rebelling], I didn't drink, I didn't take drugs, I didn't go with the punk style that was so hip in the 80s. Therefore, I maintain I was the model teenager!).
Ah Hopeful, bet she can think of some other stuff, mums usually can. I did not smoke either and drank very occasionally but I can tell by looking at my diary that I was a nightmare, heh heh. Mainly in my attitude and my total "I hate everybody" ingratitude.
IDT yes you have ended up with a mix of personalities it seems, my boys are like chalk and cheese.
High points overconfident didn't give a damn ;)
Low points not learnt to listen to wise people
Didn't see danger
X