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Hi All
I meet up with a friend the other night, she's a lone parent too and has had a few disasterous relationships looking for love in all the wrong places sort of thing, and just recently she has started dating again, she has had a few dates but they have never took off, anyway she was asking where i think she is going wrong (this was initially difficult as i wanted to say you need to stop picking such twits) anyhow we got on to the topic of what qualities she was looking for in a man.
It ended up being a really interesting and funny discussion as we debated about different qualities and were constantly changing our minds as we laughingly kept re prioritising different things we felt a prospective new partner should have, which has since got me seriously thinking about what it is i would be looking for in a new partner as this is not something that i had previously put any serious thought into.
I know what i don't want, but have not actual thought about those things that i do want and what about the things that i would willingly compromise on i.e if i really wanted a tall man and found someone i really liked that was not so tall would it really matter.
So i am interested to hear about your thoughts on this and wanted to hear about the qualities all off you are looking for in a partner and what would you compromise on?
I don't want a man hehe.
A must of course, would be he'd have to like kids. Taller than me, couldn't date someone shorter 
clean finger nails
Have to get back to other things later. Coffee time
Like you Sally I am more intune with what I don't want than what I do.
Here is a start~
Someone who is able to laugh at themselves, someone who can have a good time without it involving alcohol. Someone who can listen and hear me when I talk.
Like hazeleyes I would prefer someone taller than me but its not a deal breaker.
Heh heh Hazeleyes, clean fingernails a MUST for me too, always look at those, because what does that show me? that he is a clean person who has good self-care. However, I would rather have a person with long dirty fingernails who was kind and respectful than a pristine bully. I could always convert him to better fingernail care, eg by saying I will only go out with you if you cut and clean your nails!!! haha whereas a bad character trait is harder to amend.
PQ listening is a really good quality too.
One of the things I look for is how he treats others for example his mum. And I always want someone who has been a good dad to his children if he has had any, and has long-lasting friends, showing me that he is capable of sustaining a good relationship. However, I am also aware that someone can be very charming on the surface and NOT so underneath.
What else?
I should be writing my essay! Now I am all distracted!
I don't think the physical side is too important (although it probably plays a big part subconsciously), if all the rest is ok, and it doesn't make up for it, if the rest isn't ok.
The fingernail thing (and other cleanliness) is a symptom of wanting someone who looks after himself, too, because if he doesn't look after himself, how will he look after others? The alcohol is a big thing for me (my dad and uncle and first stupid husband all had problems on that front).
To be honest though, my late husband was perfect for me (and I am not putting him on an unrealistic pedestal - it's not that he didn't have any faults, just not anything I couldn't cope with), and anyone would have a really tough time measuring up. :-/
Respect for himself and other people in his life
Knows how to look after himself and cook for himself
Must show himself as an equal partner
Supportive
Ability to listen
Attentive
Respect for my body
Co oprative
Fare
Must not show intitalment in the bedroom
Wish me look with this
These are all great! I think it is really important for us to focus on the things that are non-negotiable and bear them in mind (heh heh)
That was interesting what you said about the bedroom stuff, IDT, do you mean that they don't just "expect" sex whether you want it or not?
That sex doesn't happen if you say no, that their needs are not all that matters and your not treated like an object that graves and groped in front of your children, that he doesn't 'book you in for sex' your not told that it's happening tonight regardles, that your sexual needs are not troden upon to please him and he doesn't steam ahead regardless of you saying no, that he manages to change your mind with the content put downs and name calling throughout the day that wears you down and he always gets his way anyway so you stop saying anything you give up you just cry, that he doesn't make you feel dirty after he's made you do things you didn't want to,that you feel loved in sex not rejected that he doesn't withhold love if you say no or turn his back on you if you instigate sex, that your not slapped when it's not your fault when your powerless to stop it, that he doesn't make you helpless.
Sorry
MODERATOR: no need for sorry, you explained it very well, IDT
Does any one have any musts on looks ? I know hazeleyes said about height
Hi all, this is an interesting thread!
IDT, I don't have any 'musts' on looks. I used to have a bit of a 'type', but not anymore. Do you have a must on looks?
After a great discussion a few years ago I realised I only noticed, or paid any attention to guys who paid attention to me and only then if they were drop dead gorgeous with oodles of charisma and charm! Basically the ones, I realise now, who needed attention and their ego stroked, that hang around bars or clubs just looking for attention.
So I started taking notice of men who weren't 'looking' for a woman. Ie, the guy in the butchers, my mums window cleaner, the bloke who helps out with teaching music to the infants. Although these people weren't necessarily your typical Beckham or Haye, they were decent, kind, good hearted people, who in the past I would have completely overlooked. So once I started building up a rapport with these guys, I noticed they became pretty 'fanciable' because of their good/nice personality!
So I challenge you to take note and be pleasant to the guy who works in your local charity shop or the friend of the handsome guy who is always trying to chat up all the girls, as he is the one who will be interesting. It doesn't mean that you will fancy him, or him you, but I bet he would make a better evening out!
I'm attracted to a bit of a 'bad boy ' look shaved head muscles to look like 'a proper man!' to protect me ... Only iv realized that that is not good, some big muslcly men are gental giants but not all, and I can protect myself now :)
I can be independent and I want to be I won't except gifts or drinks from men, because then I don't owe them anything in return it's nice to be spolit sometimes but I'd not dependent on a man, that's when I will be interested in men again when I am 100% stable and independent emotionally and finanacaly so he couldn't 'take' anything away from me if that makes sense x
It makes loads of sense IDT, it is best if we enter into a relationship when we are in a good place within ourselves otherwise we take all our baggage from our previous realtionship into the new one which can then cause us to have problems within that relationship too.
I used to be into the "bad boy" image too which caused me no end of problems, since then i have thankfully matured 
I agree with you Anna about looking at people you may not otherwise take notice off, you never know when you might find a diamond in the rough.
I would like a man that accepts me for who i am, but will also stand up to me (in a good way) because if he was to nice and accommadating i would probably walk all over him and become bored rather quickly as i like a bit of a challenge.
You just made me smile with 'dimond in the rough' I can see what Anna said about a butcher, covered in blood and guts chopping away grining from the back room at me as I stand at the counter ! But he's got a good heart though ...
truthful, trustworthy, loyal, supportive, good dad, appreciative, 'normal!!!!' a friend
Chocolate81 that is a great list! I liked it that you said "a friend". If we think of relationships in the long term then there are lots of aspects to consider but being friends with each other is pretty important. I remember going out with this guy for a few dates and I was meeting him, so I drove to where we were meeting, he was there first and his mobile rang and he answered it and at the same time I thought "blimey who would want to ring HIM?"...and that made me laugh because I thought WHAT are you doing dating a guy that you think will have no-one that wants to speak to him!!!???
IDT your butcher sounds very colourful! the fellers in mine are usually pretty clean haha.
But looks, now that is interesting. The different chaps I have dated have all looked quite different, once I went out with a bloke who was really large with a larger than life personality and rather flamboyant (tho it hid his insecurities) The next chap was very slim and quiet. Sometimes I think we choose a partner in "reaction" to our last one?
hi im attracted to bad boy,shaved head,muscles, but it asnt got my anywhere, ym ex like tht. bad boy stroke thug, not goin there again, i want a normal fella this timex who isnt a criminalx
wow this thread is brilliant but shaved head and muscles does not make a man a bad boy I think we are too quick to judge looks some times. Take me for example...... I had 2 children to a pretty boy but too far up his own backside and chasing other woman to have ever cared about me or the children so i went for the local rough and ready kinda guy - what a mistake behaved like my ex but stunk of oil didnt care about his looks or the house just his own hobbies. They both thought domestic violence was part of the relationship I now have myself a 6'5 muscley shaven head (shaved daily never a day missed) only goes to the gym 3 times a week - when he finishes work (self employed manual job keeps him very fit) He looks the type that would knock you out at a glance but OMG he is a complete softy. Oh and a toy boy - well 6 yrs. My grandsons love him my children get on great with him. My eldest daughter always jokes with me that hes ugly but then i remind her to look at her boyfriend. I dont think he is ugly at all and the ladies I work with ask if he has a brother. I feel sorry for him that he is judged by how he looks. I have never known anyone so caring, kind and thoughful. My car was on its last legs he went out and got me a new car, my laptop died he got me a new one. He gets a phone upgrade I get his phone (he has ocd so everything is like brand new, he washes my car, he runs my children about. Its not about what he gives me as I have spent my life saying no thank you when I meant yes please he doesnt give me a choice. Tonight I will finish work and he is coming to pick me up about 6.30 and we are going out for something to eat. The thing for me is commitment - do I want to> Does he want to or are we just happy as we are. So the answer to the question what do we look for in a man is dont have a list, dont go looking, just let it happen - I gave this advice to a friend who was on a man hunt - everytime we went out she almost ran around the pub checking out what was on offer. Once i told her where she was going wrong she took a step back, went back to a girls night out, she met her new perfect man in Asda x (wow i waffle) HM
Someone who will be a friend first and foremost, who will put our needs first before others, yes please. 
Physically strong is always attractive, but mentally strong is even more of a turn on!!
So kiera, what constitutes a 'normal fella' for you?
lol Anna is there 'normal' out there wonder what he would look like x
Hi happy mamma, our posts crossed, I will have to read yours tomorrow, as I have to dash off right now! I will look forward to it!
I think mentally strong is important, a bit of insight into themselves is also good.
Happy mamma yes some muscly big men are gental giants and can be very kind and caring don't you think?
Anna I think your right about mentally strong if I met a man that showed a strong mind I'd be interested ( challenge!) and looks are Not the most important thing for me but there is a point where you cannot be attracted to Cretan features for example I was out in a club before exmas got dancing with a great guy nice funny polite good job etc but I'm sure his waist was skinner than mine!! I'm a 12 and as lovely as he was I just couldnt be atracted to such a skinny man.
I think what you said Anna about Chosing a partner in reaction to the last ones interesting as I was offers the world from a guy but I didn't want his money gifts ( he did give me a bunny) but I wanted him to listen to me, respect me etc because I'd not had it from my ex
X
How many of us would decide a further partner on materialistic things ?
Not really what I'm interested in material things IDT. My ex was, and still is, obsessed with image and having the right clothes, cars etc, all fur coat and no knickers as my friend would say!
I would be much happier with a bunch of wild flowers picked from the grass verge than a bunch of the most expensive roses for example.
Well I agree up to a point, money is not important in itself but on the other hand one of things I look for is someone who is financially responsible, ie not wallowing in debt (whatever his income) but I also dislike people who are ridiculously mean with money eg the fella who used to get the SAME poppy out every November!
Funny isn't it, we are saying "looks don't matter" but they do, in that we need to fancy them, I don't mean look across the room and think "eeeek" but at least attracted to them as we gt to know them, I would not want to think a chap I went out with was not attracted to me.
happy mamma your partner sounds fab
kiera, now you say you would go for a different sort of chap, what do you think that would be?
happy mamma, I did the same with a friend of mine, we would go out and she would spend the whole time 'checking out' every guy walking through the door, I told her to stop looking so desperate and they will come....and they did, she is now in a lovely relationship, who knows where it is going but at the moment they are both enjoying having someone to meet up with and go for a meal or cinema! :)
pq - wild flowers, spur of the moment, so romantic, they have seen something and thought of you.
Another very important point to note on this subject is that too many of us are looking for our 'soul mate' or our 'other half'.
A healthy relationship has 3 elements to it.
Your Life, ie your interests, your friends, your individuality etc, must carry on and thrive.
Their Life ie their friends, hobbies etc and then
YOUR (both) Life, decisions that you make together, where to go for dinner or which film to go and see etc.
All three elements have to be equal, so that we spend as much time doing our favourite things as their favourite things. It is important as well when starting a new friendship/relationship to try and keep all things that make you 'you' alive and continuous, it is all too easy to fall into their patterns. (That has been one of my mistakes in the past )
Reviving this thread as I was watching a TV show last night about dating. It was showing various "first dates" and the couples then deciding whether to have a second meeting.
One woman really stood out for me as she said she had a long tick list. She was asked what was on it. Lost in there somewhere was " a man who makes me laugh" but other than that it was a recital of height requirement, build, bigger arms than body, good teeth, fit physique,hairstyle....and it reminded me of this thread. I thought to myself "so if you were ill in bed with the flu, it would not matter whether he would look after you and see to the kids, or abandon you to go clubbing with a pack of other women....as long as he had a nice hairstyle?" DURRRRR!
Ha ha, that made me laugh Louise!
I really think society has pushed down our throats the importance of appearances and neglects to celebrate manners, kindness and down right decent human beings.
I have a new item for the wish list, if I had one! He needs to be a feminist. I read this article this morning and even though this still sometimes feels a world away, it is sooo important. Have a look at 5 reasons to be a feminist man and let me know what you think.
hi well id look for total opposite of my ex,i defo need change my type cos i aint got anywhere with bad boys i go for
Great article Anna, 5 points well made by the 'dude'.
Interesting! Had to snigger that he talks about society not encouraging women to "have it all" yet encourages men to go and get what they want. For me, it starts not in the workplace but in the home....how do we bring up our boys to respect women and to treat everyone as equal? One of those ways is to encourage them to see their family unit (however that is comprised) as a team which supports each other and where everyone pulls their weight. This is also true of girls but even more so for boys, in my opinion
Yes Louise good point and good idea too, about being a part of a team.
pancakequeen, I wanted to 'Like' your post, then remembered this wasn't Facebook!! It was a great article wasn't it, I wonder who Jonathon is?
I realised now that I am 40 something that I am far from perfect so now I don't have a list anymore. When i changed my way of thinking what " Mr Right" should be like and just decided that he will not always be " Mr Right " he may on occasion be " Mr Wrong " but sure he could say the same about me. I decided a tall handsome man, with a child(ren), in his 40's, honest, kind and hygenic....was the minimum ! the rest I can figure out on the way. My son has never been introduced to another man since his father and I split , so ultimatley in the first 6 months I can decide if the most important thing is there... which is can one day this man be part of my family and WE will be a THREE.
I think that remembering that we aren't perfect is definitely a good thing!
I have some terrible habits that a potential partner would have to get used to and accept!
I agree, Anna - I am a total neat freak and that's just the tip of the iceberg! By my own admission, I am very difficult to live with. I think even A struggles 
My taste in men has historically been eclectic - and I'm pleased to say that I'm still friends with a few of my significant ex's (although tellingly, not A's dad). The ability to make me laugh is probably the most important factor if I'm considering having a relationship with a man.
Having been on a few dates recently I have realised if you don't have that 'chemistry' the wish list is futile. The last guy I went out with was lovely, a gentleman, funny, clean! financially stable, but there was no spark. I went on a few dates because I really wanted him to be 'the one' but he wasn't.
I think you have hit the nail on the head pq, you just don't know who you are going to 'click' with do you!
However on that point, we have to love ourselves sufficiently and openly to ensure that we are not attracted to the bully, controller or philanderer.
I am sorry to hear that you didn't find that spark with your the chap you had a few dates with.
What about arranged marriages though? This works for a lot of people and when sharing a home, your life and your family, love can definitely grow, along with respect too.
It's interesting I think and yes I agre too about the spark
mary I think the ability to make someone laugh is so powerfull it carrys weight !
And I think you, pq & Anna are right about 'chemistry'! I also think it is difficult it is to define what that is - but if it's not there, it's not there.
I'm sorry to hear that was the case with your last 'datee', pq. It must have been really disappointing for you. But well done for putting it down to experience (it sounds like a relatively pleasant one?) and moving on x
Reviving this thread because...
My eldest, who is now 24 (eek) was talking to me about his relationships, he had a serious one a couple of years ago and is still in touch with the girl, who is four years younger than him, stunningly beautiful but very emotionally needy. He said to me "she has changed and has become more sensible, however she will always be the sort of person who goes to pieces when trouble comes"
That set us talking about finding someone with the same values as yourself and I said in a long term relationship, troubles are bound to come and you need someone who will pull together with you and even be strong FOR you, if needed. That led onto a talk about his dad and eldest said what a weak man he is and how one of his motivations in life is to NOT be like his dad.
I reckon you do have to look for this strength but of course the chap PQ met seemed to have this quality whereas you do have to really fancy them as well!
For me, it needs to be laughter, but also strength of character. Not necessarily to be strong for me, but someone who won't avoid a situation, if that makes sense?
My oldest often says that he doesn't want to turn out like his Dad, but seems to be going through life angry and not achieving much.
For me, I know I don't want to be in a situation of living - or perhaps that should be relying on someone? I like to think I'll have my own place (my mother-in-law keeps saying never say never when I say that!).
Perhaps having similar interests and intelligence so you can sit and watch and chat while feeling comfortable with each other. And I do think you need to fancy them, there needs to be that tingle when you hold hands.
Your MiL is right, sparkling, never say never though I do understand the independence thing. Doesn't stop you having fun though heh heh
Sometimes our children will say they don't want to be like one of the parents and actually they are being EXACTLY like them....but I reckon they sort that out in the end. My view is that young men in particular really struggle in our culture to know where they "fit" now we don't have the closer knit communities where a role was more clearly modelled.
This is a great topic! It's fun thinking about what my perfect partner would be like. I don't really have a type at all to be honest, but there are some things that are important to me.
-Intelligence is a big deal for me. Intelligence, creativity and uniqueness. I want to be with a man or a woman who inspires me and makes me laugh, and who makes me want to better myself as well.
-I like older men. I'm 26, and I don't really find myself ever interested in men below the age of 35-40 (obviously it's not like, a rule or anything, haha. Just a general preference.)
-Passion. There is little more attractive than when somebody has a true passion for something. I remember meeting a girl at a party once, a friend of a friend, she was talking to me about her career aspirations (she wanted to be a librarian) and I found myself absolutely hanging off of her every word. She was just so incredibly passionate about her goals and the things she loved, I found it magnetic. Doesn't even really matter what the passion is for as long as it's there, that fire in their belly.
-Looks aren't all that important to me. I find myself attracted to brains and personalities. Although having said that I am a sucker for dapper gents in retro clothes, and cute hipster girls in converse and tights.
Ah but that is something about their style, just_immi, that appeals to you, that is a bit different to looks. For me, that huge heading of "style" can also include things like clean fingernails and hair that isn't too long. We can choose our own style much easier than we can change our original looks so therefore it involves more choice.
Funnily enough I was just thinking about this thread last night and about how much easier it is to focus on negatives rather than positives, as in "I would never go out with anyone who was...." I think this comes from past bad experiences, that we sense a danger with anyone who reminds us of these.
One more positive question could be "can I respect you?" (which then involves a wide range of points such as how they conduct themselves, whether they have behaved well to any children they have had, are they consistent, do they appear to be honest etc)
I think thats a great question to ask Louise. I shall remember that.
That really is spot on. "Can I respect you" kind of encompasses everything you need to know.
Yes.....closely followed by "do you respect ME?" 
What a great post, Sally, I will be realy interested to hear what people think about this!