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Hi,
I am having an issue with my ex. He pays me maitenance for our 2 children once a month. The amount he pays is tiny because when we worked it out with the mediator he had a low payed job, he has since got a better job but I havn't persued him for more money as I can't face the hassle. Anyway I work full time and try and make sure that my girls get to do things that they like to do but I can't afford everything. My eldest has started senior school and wants to learn to play the drums, she can do it at school but there is a charge, I already pay for her to belong to a school of arts and I have told her that I can only pay for 1 activity. I decided to ask my ex if he would pay for the lessons but he wont respond to my emails, my daughter then asked him and he gave her a big lecture about how he provides for her already by giving me money once a month and that its my responsibilty not his to pay for all the things she needs.
It was my understanding that maintenance payments covered the basics like providing a home, food and clothing and that the xtras should be covered equally by each parent. Am I being totally niave here? Have I got it all wrong?
Thanks tinkerbell 2,
I find it so frustrating. I haven't asked for anything from my ex. I have paid for all my eldest's new school uniform and now pay for her school bus (which will cost me about £1000 per year 
) I think I would respect him more if he just said he didn't have any money, but to go on about how its not his responsibilty, and push it all back on me makes me so mad.
How can it not be his responsability when his children are also his responsability - what a wally. Gotta laugh at "fathers" like that really, if we don't laugh we would end up strangling them haha x
So long as the non-resident parent is paying the minimum stated by the CSA there isn't much you can do.
In the ideal world the 'extras' would be shared, but then that is an ideal world sadly...
Hi sparklinglime, sadly I think you're right.
For me its not really the money that has annoyed me, I knew right from the begining that he would be difficult about that, I feel like he is trying to blame me for the fact that he doesn't want to pay!
Best thing that happened for me is The Git and Gittess moved away. Far easier for me (VERY selfish). I used to get so wound up about things when he lived a couple of miles up the road and didn't help out. Now I just get wound up if I know he's visiting the island!
I know you're not meant to, but I did used to point out that it was difficult to find the money for all the extras and they had to make a choice. When they'd ask why Dad didn't pay I'd say that didn't want to 
I rarely did anything like that though, but then it was a truthful answer.
Hi pancakequeen, how selfish of their father. I wonder how he would respond if your daughter had said - well mum doesn't want to pay, but I want to learn the drums?
Would you consider going back to the CSA, now he has a higher paid job?
Hi Anna,
I had hoped we could manage the finances between us, but obviously he isn't going to do his bit, I can't see I have any other choice now.
Hello PQ, sparkling is right, he only "has" to pay what the CSA says.
Is there a possibility your daughter could have a group lesson and it costs less?
I was the same as you, my boys could choose one activity, I felt disappointed when I saw their friends having more opportunities but I also felt I was a pretty cool mum, keeping the family together, making a home for us and metaphorically sticking two fingers up at their dad 
If my lot did ask their Father - and they rarely bothered - he'd tell them that he had no money.
They could see that he was having weekends away and a holiday abroad each year, so quickly did twig that they weren't his priority.
Sadly, the children have to learn to deal with things like this. Often at the expense of the parent with care who gives up their lives to make sure they don't miss out on too many things...
I do point out that we do have loads of fun though without the extras in live which, as Louise says, metaphorically sticks two fingers up at the other parent - and pulls tongue while wiggling hands at side of head going neh neh neh neh neh...
Thanks everyone,
I was feeling so angry a few days ago and wanted to scream and shout at him and point out all his failings etc etc....but now thanks to all your support I feel better and am now happy within myself again, knowing that all that matters to me is what I do and how I handle things. I like the image of metaphorically sticking 2 fingers up at him 
I'm eight and a half years down the line and still get angry and frustrated at him... So glad you're feeling happier with things though.
xx
Thanks sparklinglime, he's now trying to engage me in an argument on email. I think he's trying to create a row about this so it will detract from the fact that he won't pay for her music lessons, and then he can feel better about himself. I'm not falling for his tactics this time and am ignoring him.
Still sticking 2 metaphorical fingers up 
Heh heh, well done PQ.
I don't know if you remember what Anna was saying the other day (in Chat, I think) about seeing her daughter use the "create an argument about something else" tactic, which is a very common teenage ploy. I know that we have said before that you have sometimes felt in the past that you have had to parent your girls' dad, so this just rung a bell with me.
Funny you should mention that louise, when I read anna's comment my ex was the first person I thought of. I was thinking of getting the book you recommended, it will probably help me cope with my pre-teen and my ex
Heh heh 
Hey Everyone,
I just thought I'd stop and tell you my thoughts, Ive got 2 kids to different dads. I was married tio first and when we split he said if I csa'd him he would deny our child was his.. I havent had a payment from him for over 5 years now. Then I just split with my little girls dad, he made things very awkward.. I'd said to myself if he misses one payment I'd csa him. Money has been really tight as I've just stopped working. I rang child maintenance and am so glad I did. I've put them onto both dads, I used to have the stick two fingers up attitude but now my son is 9 and wants all the trendy things and going to different activities I think my son deserves it so I've csa'd his dad, Also my daughters dad missed payments so I've csa'd him.. turns out I was getting £40 a week less than I should of been getting. Its totally different how money is worked out so you might be shocked if you went through them. I dont want my ex manipulating me controlling me over money. I dont want him to think he has that power over me so I'm doing everything through the proper channels. you can ring child maintenance and they will do a full assessment, they give you the option to sort it out between you after its been done or they can get involved if hes not cooperating. you children deserve nice things! good luck :)
I absolutely agree sarah catherine that they should pay the correct amount of maintenance...sometimes it does not work out like that, of course, and my attitude was that I STILL wasn't going to give him any power over me. Of course if someone denies paternity, a DNA test can be done although this is long-winded.
Thanks sarah Catherine, it is always interesting to hear other people's experiences and points of view.
I am still undecided as to whether the CSA is the route I want to take. For me I know it will unleash a tsunami of c**p from him, I'm not sure I'm ready for that, even though I know he should take on his responsibilities. At the moment I am enjoying the victories I have (even though I am the only one who knows about them) and sticking up the 2 metaphorical fingers that I am sooo enjoying.
I don't always think the CSA brings satisfaction. The Git managed to not declare a second income, and by the time they did catch up with him, he was a full time student...
The 2 metaphorical fingers is a good route to take.
Thought I'd share this with you all....I'm trying really hard not to blow a fuse!!
Girls have been with their dad this afternoon, they have shared with him the news about the money they have been left in their great grandads will, which is fine, however he then asked if I got any money!! Luckily I had already told the girls that the amount of money I got was private and not for discussion, but they did tell him that I had been left some money. He then turned round and said that now I had money I could pay for A to have her music lessons .
Oh good grief, I gasped when I read that! Why is everything about money? I know that we were chatting about the music lesson situation before but it never occurred to me that there was a bandwagon to be jumped on there.
What are you going to do? Obviously ignore the remark but are you loath to raise the subject again?
Hi Louise,
Its caused a great upset in our house as A seems to think that her dad has a good idea! We had a frank discussion about money last night and the money we have all been left by Grandad. She seems to have a better understanding now but I know she's disappointed.
Its always been about money with my ex, it was a big factor in the breakdown of our marriage. I shan't ask him again for help, its just not worth the hassle 
I also asked him this week if he could help out over the half term holiday, but only got a very sarcastic reply and a NO!
Wow PQ could not believe he said that about you paying for the music lessons, glad that you have managed to sort it with your daughter, sadly sometimes they will be disappointed by the decisions that we may have to make, but i suppose its part of learning about life.
Do you have anyone else that can help you out at half term?
Hi Sally,
My mum will help, but it means sending them up to her house, there was also a bit of a problem last time they went in June, so was trying to sort something else out. The ex will make a fuss too because it will mean he wont get to see the girls that week, but he can't have it both ways!!
Its just one more thing in a long list to sort out....hey ho !
You're right, PQ, either he cares for them so they can be here while you are at work or if they have to go to your Mum's then he won't see them. Does he realise that that is your alternative? (maybe now you are a millionaire he thinks you will retire? HUH! 
)
He he, like that lousie.
Yes he does, he just likes to have a moan about everything, and be awkward, and difficult etc etc....
Sorry to be a pain here, but he might try to get a percentage of your inheritance. I know my ex would have like a shot, but now he has re-married he has no claim on any money I might win (no inheritance due this end )
The same applies if he was to come into money too.
Just with The Git being so money orientated, I see so many similarities...
I do hope you're ok. Its so horrid and tiring when everything is a challenge.
What stage of things are you at with the divorce, PQ? That will affect the financial position.
my grand son pays his ex girlfriend £200 amonthis that to much for his daughter
Hi Graham,
I think it depends on how much your grandson earns. There is a calculator on the csa website to check how much he should pay.
Louise/sparkling, I have been divorced since last November. Can he still have claims on an inheritence??? I hope not.
Hi PQ I wouldn't have thought so as you have already sorted out the money side, phew, but do just check with the Legal Expert as I am not a lawyer.
Graham burton I have replied to you on the other thread in Dads Forum
In our case we don't have a clean break, which is why, in theory, we can claim against each other - until re-marriage. I refused a clean break for two reasons:
1) he wanted to give me MY car that I had worked 6 nights a week and 1.5 days a week to pay (a reason why The Git is an appropriate reference)
2) Knowing how awful he is with money I wanted to be able to put a claim in for anything for the children (I wouldn't want a thing for me).
Hi, we had a clean break, which was fine by me, but its the reason I struggle on a monthly basis as I had to extend the mortgage in order to pay him off.
After saying I wouldn't ask him for anything else....A and H need football boots and have asked him to go halves with me...listen out for the screams
That's ok then. You can win the lotto this week and not have to share
Good for you pancake queen, you keep on asking him to go halves with you, it shows him that you won't take on any guilt and use up your money that your Grandad left you, for you.
Thanks anna,
His response was, he had read through the consent order and as it didn't state he was expected to go halves with me for extras...he wasn't going to....quelle surprise!!!
Anyway, I have had quite an in-depth conversation with my solicitor and she recommends that I should go to the CSA for an up to date review, especially as he is reluctant to contirbute towards anything other than his child support. I must admit that I am worried about rocking the boat, because if he were to decide to stop giving me money altogether I would be in difficulty.
Yes, when he hears from the CSA he could in theory stop your money for a while and that is something you need to take into consideration.
Hello pancakequeen, you are correct CS pays for general things such as food, clothes etc that a child needs for day to day living.
All extras should be split payment(s) between the parents of possible.
You say your ex pays "little" so how on earth could he expect his payment to cover basic needs and extra activitys! very silly comment from him :/