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Hi guys,
The celebrations are well and truly over 
For the past few days I have been racked with guilt about the outcome at court. I know it is what I was hoping, praying and wishing for but now i feel awful.
Suprisingly, it is not littleangel I have the guilt about as I do think not having contact with her dad is best for her but I feel bad for HIM???!! The enormity of what I have done has hit home now I have my ofiicial documents stipulating he can not appraoch his daughter, write to his daughter or speak to his daughter again. As a student social worker and someone who has worked for SS I have seen first hand how much damage it can cause a parent when they are prevented from seeing their children.
I am almost 100% sure my ex is ILL mentally and he needs help (every professional who met him said he was unstable). He was abused by the system as a child and I feel I have just used the system to abuse him further. I dont feel like I can live with what I have done to him because he has NO ONE - no family, no real friends and clearly no professionals are actually looking out for him. I am worried about him. This feeling is haunting me... what can I do?!
Thanks Louise,
I know your right but I just feel sorry for him and I feel bad, cant help it. Wats wrong with me?! Never happy either way lol
Hi Littleangel,
Well done for navigating what must have been a really difficult time and still continuing with your studies. Having been in a similar position there is much I could talk and share with you. You must have great empathy for people, is that something that drew you to your ex-partner?. You show complete compassion for him yet don't even mention your own or child's losses, lack of a stable and supportive partner and father. There must have been real concerns for yourself and the court to make the decision that they have. Maybe your ex-partner's past experiences have been negative but is it right that this should continue into your and your childs lives?. Did your ex try to manipulate you with guilt?. I only got through to mine when I realised that his need to be in my childs life was mainly for selfish reasons and that however hard it is saying no to a father seeing their child, sometimes it is the only way to end the cycle.....
Hi littleangel, I completely understand where you are coming from and its a horrible and confusing emotion.
Part of it I think is that finally he can't hurt you anymore verbally or physically. Because this threat is no longer there. You may just be at the beginning of grieving what once was - because you are in a safe place.
If he was still harassing you, you would not be feeling like this.
You loved and cared for this man and he has been in your life for a long time, so it is natural that after your and your daughters best interests are cared for, that you think of him.
I spent about 10 years regularly dreaming about my ex after it came to a horrible end. (still do on the rare occasion and it is always us getting back together, or getting on really well). I went to some training about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and asked the facilitator to tell me WHY after all these years was this happening. She suggested that I hadn't let him go. I was quite shocked by this.
I have since done lots of other training, but one thing that has stuck with me is that when we become pregnant, we create an image of what it will be like in the future, of course when the baby comes, it is nothing like we imagined it is 24 hour crying, feeding, nappy changing etc and it feels awful as we expected a little bit of bliss!!
I think because I created the image in my mind of us having a family and growing old together, I still found it hard to recognise my reality. I didn't want the reality and was resisting it.
After hearing what the PTSD woman said, I made a conscious effort to - let him go, he had a tough childhood etc, but he is an adult now and makes his own choices and I need to get on with the rest of MY life and he is not in it.
Does this make sense?
Hi littleangel. You did what was/is right for your daughter. Keep on remembering that. Maybe in the future, your ex will change, which in turn will change the court orders. Only he can do this of course. Put all of this behind you, focus on you, your daughter, and your life, and hopefully, he'll have a wake up call, and in the end, do the right thing. You have nothing to feel guilty of. What you have though, is a daughter that is/will be proud of her mum, for protecting her. xx
hi littleangel i agree with hazeleyes you had to do what you felt right with regards to your daughter . you mustnt feel guilt over your ex there people out there that can help him even counselling but at the end of the day it is up to them to seek help not for us to feel guilt . i was like you i felt guilt i know my ex does loves his two sons but he went about things the wrong way and i know that i have gone along with i felt was best for my sons and i listened to what they wanted , yes it is sad but you have to look to the future with your daughter and not dwell on the past x
Nothing to add here, really! :-) You really ARE a littleangle. I understand the compassion thing, but your daughter must come first and you have seen the effect he had on her. Just remember that.
Don't worry too much, You'll get there x
Thank you for all your responses guys x
@Poppy10 yes I think it was my empathy side that drew me to my ex. I knew him from school and never liked him and when he told me what was going on for him while we were at school and I was busy hating him i immediately felt guilty and the rest went from there... it is really ironic my relationship started based on guilt and now finishes with guilt. I am not sure if he deliberately used guilt to manipulate me (maybe am in denial?) I would say he used fear but now my fear is gone maybe he has used guilt??!! My little girl is happy with the decision ad I dont/wont change it.
@Anna - yes you speak a lot of sense. I remember my doc once talking to me about PTSD but I immediately dismissed it because although there was violence I didnt feel I was a 'battered wife' as I was never put in hospital and wasnt beaten on a daily basis. Now I see things very differently and am clear I was abused. I definately am sad that I couldnt help him when we were together (lord knows I try) and I think I am grieving for the nice/normal side of him that I did see on lots of occassions.
@Hazeleyes thanks hun, I know it is right too i just hate that it had to go this far and need to find a way to stop feeling bad when it was him who caused it all. I am working on it.
@shaz 5 thanks I think the biggest part for me is that i KNOW my ex loves his daughter. I am hoping i will pass through this faze but I think I am still in shock that I am free and I am not used to not having some kind of pressure so as he isnt causing it I am causig it to myself maybe.
@ Hopeful thank you sweet x I am trying to put all my eergy in to my daughter and as you say I will get there x
Thanks for all the understading everyone as this is not something I could dare say in front of my family and friends as they just wouldnt get it and would immediately be down my throat.
That's what we are here for, little angel 
Hi littleangel,
You seem to me to be a very caring person, and it is not surprising that you are feeling sad for your ex as you can see his final position from his side. But you also know what he has put you and your daughter through. These feelings will pass in time I'm sure.
Thanks pancake, I like to think I am a caring person but i havent always had caring thoughts about my ex lol
it will pass soon i hope its that bit harder when I have to sit through lecture after lecture in uni on empathy, compassion, social injustice, mental health etc.
yes I know exactly what you mean, with having done training in some similar things.
its true Louise on one hand I am saying what is best for me and my child and then in uni I am being taught we shouldnt be so individualistic and should think about others and give them chances and opportunities. We regularly get guest speakers talking of their awful experiences within the system etc and always makes me think. Its all just crazy timing I guess.
Yes, a supreme irony. I guess if it was a friend of yours and you saw what she had been through, things would be a lot more clear-cut. Harder when you are the one doing it.
I do sometimes think that those who write the books don't really have an idea of how things can be.
Its like the difference in my health visitor once she had children.
Hi littleangel, I am so glad that you can come on here and express/air those innermost feelings, as it can be confusing, when they are going round and round in your head.
Hopefully you are beginning to find some peace with it all?
It is interesting what you say about guilt. He has had a very difficult time in his childhood and maybe found that using guilt worked for him as a youngster, so carried on with this manipulation tactic ('The Persuader' in the Freedom Programme).
If you can recognise this as a tactic it can be another step towards your freedom, I think we carry enough guilt around as single parents, you do not need to own this guilt towards another adult that has been forced upon you. Empathy yes, but not guilt.
You are right guys. I know it deep down but... arghhh!!! emotions just arent that straight forward are they?!
The Pursuader probably is my ex too I recognise most the characters in my ex but for some reason I still feel unable to see/accept that my ex has used his childhood to manipulate me. It seems so blaringly obvious on paper and in rational thinking but I just feel that no matter what his experiences are real and I would naturally feel bad for him about that. I suppose we all hate to hear of any child suffering in anyway and for some reason I cant seem to fully separate the little child he was (that I knew in school) to the monster he became. I guess he has manipulated me to feel like this somehow but I cant see it??!! I get angry with myself for this as I have learned enough about DV to know better...
Don't be too hard on yourself littleangel. There is a big difference between being a professional involved in these situations and being the victim. You are entitled to feel the way you do x
Hi littleangel, i think it's not always so clear cut, you have known your ex since he was a child which has given you a different perspective to others whom may have met there abusive ex's as an adult.
I also think that sometimes our own programming (childhood experiences) can make us empathetic towards someone else who has suffered. I do have to say though that he may have suffered as a child, but he is now an adult and responsible for his behaviour and the choices he makes.
Thanks again. I am trying to be easier on myself but at times I am my own worse enemy.
You must be right Sally about me knowing him as a child and then as an adult. Never really saw the significance of that before but I have never spoke to any one else who had known their abusive partner as a child. And I wasnt very nice to him back then (no one was - he was the weird kid) and I guess that can be where his manipulation comes from because he would mention how horrible I was to him when I was a child and that used to sting me once i knew what he had been going through. The whole cycle of our relationship was very messed up, Im amazed littleangel is doing as well as she is!
Well she does have YOU, and hats off to you that you have kept things steady for her
Hi littleangel, I think you can acknowledge that you have a lot of compassion for anyone in this situation, however this doesn't mean that you have to feel guilty. The poor chap has obviously had to deal with a lot in his life with little consistent love from caring adults. And we wouldn't wish that on any child. So I can understand your sense of sadness for him.
However you poured love into the man, you tried to support, hold and help him, which he was unable to accept with open arms and an open heart.
Like you said it is easier for others to say when their heart isn't involved. I know that it feels as though emotions aren't that straight but in CBT therapy it is known that our emotions create thoughts which create beliefs. So in this instance, you feel guilty, which is making you think you should beat yourself up and you believe that you have let him down.
How about recognising the emotion as compassion, which shows that you are a generous loving soul and believe in yourself that you did all that you could in the situation that you were in.
Over time your feelings about your ex will change, I am sure of it, everything just feels particularly intense at the moment as it is all so fresh.
Thanks guys,
I was considering textig him yesterday (idiot I know) but I just felt I needed to know he was ok and funnily enough (must be an angel up there) as I am typing the text the woman from Womens aid called. I told her my intention and of course she talked me out of it. I was arguing that he has no one and I am worried he will do something (to himself) but she told me he is still on probation so now I feel a bit reassured because I at least know he is seeing somebody. I just hated the thought of him being absolutely alone as he has no friends/family even after all he has done nobody deserves that.
She suggested I go on the freedom programme which I have done on here but she thinks that I would do better in a group setting. I am thinking about it.
I think that sounds like a great idea if there is one running near you.
hi ope u are ok,. ive dun freedom progarmme and im doin it again, i recomend it, really do, it went well for u in court pleased for u , i av court in nov, tryin not to think bout it, please dont contact ur ex, u av done nothin wrong, he is responsible for his own actions, he as done this to himself hun, thinkin of uxx
It is really bizarre isn't it littleangel, how these feelings are overwhelming you.
Thinking back to when you were in a relationship with him, did you feel like this after he had kicked off?
I can't remember if you have said that you have seen a counsellor, but you might find it beneficial to understand why you are feeling as you do.
Yeah it is bizarre. I hated him with a passion until I saw him in court on his own no support and making a fool of himself without being aware of it. My family and friends think I still have feelings for him when I say that but I dont. I really would be happy if I never saw him again i just wish that he had someone then i could go on without him on my conscience that is all. It is weird I know.
I did have counselling a few years ago but I just didnt find it helpful. I am not good at talking about feelings I can describe incidents but not how they make me feel. The counsellor said I was detached??!! I have always been this way though so not sure how to change it.
As for being "detached", little angel, I imagine you have found it to be a good coping mechanism over the years. Getting in touch with your feelings is something a counsellor should be able to help you with, but one step at a time, the Freedom Programme sounds like a good next move.
Oh little angel, what a generous spirit you are. There really is very little you can do, he is an adult and even if he has mental health problems he is still free to seek or reject treatment. BUT it is not your fault, you were in an abusive relationship and all you were doing is protecting your little one, which is what all parents want to do. It shows me that HE still has some of the child about him, that you feel like this. And the professionals clearly do not feel he has enough of a problem to be sectioned, which is the only time his choice would not be paramount.
HOWEVER, having gone through the trauma of court, it would be absolutely wrong to act against what has been decided and, let's face it, so very hard-won. I do understand, more than you know. My children's dad has severe mental health problems, the way I have rationalised it is that those problems are not his fault but my first concern was to make sure the children were ok and safe....Hope this helps