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my almost five year old came back from contact today and said 'dad says he cries when he goes to sleep because he misses me'
what should i have said to her?
i was in an abusive marriage to him where it was mostly emotional and psychological things he would do or say, he walked out on us over a year ago and they have weekly contact
i dont want her to hear this from him especially at this age :(
I would suggest doing as seriouslyannoyed has said acknowledging what was said and giving lots of reassurance, you are not going to be able to control what your ex say's to her.
If it escalates or becomes really upsetting then you maybe able to seek legal advice as to what you can do. Is the contact an informal arrangement or arranged legally?
hi, thank you for ur replies,
the contact is through court order
when we were married he constantly emotionally blackmailed me and me me feel awful with some of the things he said
i dont want her feeling guilty or at fault - shes only little
she told me this just before she went to bed and then later i cudnt get to sleep as i was worrying that she would be lying in bed thiking over what he had said
Hi Chocolate81
I'm so sorry to hear this - it must have completely confused your LO. It's so inappropriate - so what's new???!!
It's obvious he has said this to her so it would get back to you. He's still trying to manipulate you from a distance, but how cruel to his daughter.
It's awful he's put this on her and made her responsible for how he is feeling. With my eldest I get a lot of this sort of issue (him taking on everyone's feelings) and I have worked a lot with who's responsibility is this.
I love what seriously annoyed said about how wonderful she is etc. I would just add in that Daddy is a grown up and she doesn't need to worry about grown ups. It's the grown ups job to look after her and that Daddy will be fine.
My eldest has just got a place for free counselling for 8 weeks because of this kind of issue. I'd keep an eye on her reaction and if this sort of thing is ongoing and it affects her badly, I'd consider that.
Main thing is she has you and you are not a crazy person!
Love Gem
x
thank you, thats reassured me
can i ask- is the free counselling from school or gps?
I asked the GP for a referral to CAHMS. CAHMS referred us on to a local charity (Surrey Family and Mediation Services) which has funding for child counselling.
DS1 is going for 8 group sessions in a structured programme for children who come from seperated homes/have experienced loss, and then there's a break of a couple of months before 6 individual sessions begin for those who require it.
There might be something similar near you?
x
Just realised it's CAMHS not CAHMS!
x
thanks, thats really useful for future ref
hope it benefits ur little one
This is a tough one. I would suggest just acknowledging it. Eg. 'I'm sure he does miss you, you're wonderful! Mummy and daddy can't live together anymore but we both still love you'
If he's not going to play the game you want him to, there's not alot you can do, just be there for her and make sure she always knows how much you love her.