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Ok I'm lost on places to hold daughter & father visits....the visits are for 5 hours every two weeks...last visit i arranged it at the local pool but obv can't sit in there for 5 hours every visit....I could suggest we go to the local jungle gym but they said if it's busy we can only be there for 2 hours so have to find something to do for the other 3 hours, however if it isn't busy it's a good place, even thou buba can't really enjoy any of it because she's so young but then I feel like I'm rewarding him for being such a crap father by taking him some where like that. I know that sounds so stupid but I can't help it,why should he get to go to a place like that if he has never made any kind of effort with her and no txtsbrethren visits to even see how she is! My area has no where else to go, it's boring here lol
I've already asked the contact centre but they won't accept us as her father doesn't always stick to the visit agreement so they said they would rather take on fathers/children who actually turn up, which is fair enough.. I won't have her father in my home now as firstly he stinks and secondly he gets over comfy. I did ask him what he would like to do with her and he saido I don't care, you live in the area so you decide" I could go out the area but I don't know what to do, in summer (if we get one) we can go park but when it's raining there's not many places to go and we can't always go swimming because of bubas skin problems. I will deffo try net mums thou
Netmums is a good idea, but I am guessing that you probably do know what is in your area.
Was it the court that decided 5 hours? I am wondering how he would react if you say that you want to change it to 2.5 hours seeing as he hasn't got any suggestions? Or perhpas you could ask him to do some research on the internet as you you are only supervising and that you will be at the gate at XX.XX time and the rest is up to him. Keep throwing the ball back into his court Tinkerbell2, this is not your responsibility, its his. Yes you are there to make sure your baby is looked after properly, but nothing more. What do you think?
I suggested he looks on net but he said he do t have acess to it , meaning he can't be bothered to! I suggested we go the jungle gymbefor next visit to see how she gets on there becaualloys really for older children who are able to walk and run around, when he said its up to me I did make to clear that it's HIS time with her do it should be his responsability to decide what to do...again I don't mind but why should we go to fun places for him where he's done sod all since she was born, I feel like I'm rewarding him for being a terrible father, of course when she's older we can do fun stuff as she will appreciate it, there's only so much you can do with a baby & I don't want to be dragging her around every where. It would be so much easier if he planned the visit ahead
I already cut the time down (private agreement) and that caused an up raw so cutting it even More will just cause more drama
I would definitely put the ball back in his court - tell him that unless he comes up with a plan for the hours he has her then you won't agree to contact - he can go to the library for internet access
A few people have said about cutting contact if he doesn't start deciding on stuff to do, I think it's very harsh but the only way to get him to FINALLY start taking responsability and making an effort, I have to decide and do everything so if he can't do a simple thing like find places then there's no hope of him doing anything else, as the past has already shown- fingers crossed he pulls his finger out .......ummm watch this space !
Hello Tinkerbell2
How frustrating all this is for you!
Whilst I agree that yes, it is his responsibility and one practical way to tackle it is to cut down the contact time, for me there is something awful about how you are feeling, stuck in the middle of all this and I would therefore suggest your yardstick when deciding what to do is what is best for buba
This might mean you travelling to a a different town sometimes (between your respective homes) where there is a covered shopping centre, a play facility etc, or even letting him arrive in your town then you all get a bus somewhere. Buba is still so small that she does not need all-singing all-dancing entertainment of course, just space and something interesting to look at or play with. It is much easier when the weather is dry, and there are parks and outdoor cafes. Don't worry about rewarding him for being a less than satisfactory father, just do what is best for buba and focus on that
You have already seen that making it his responsibility means nothing happens and as you have to be inolved in his parenting time too, you might as well make it as pleasant an experience for you and buba as possible.
I do feel terrible feeling like that and I seriously hate "rewarding" him for being a rubbish father, which I feel like I'm doing....I know he will not change any time soon- if ever but I still give him chance after chance, I imagin I do this for bubas sake! I know she's all that matters but at such a young age she isn't going to know the differance about where she goes but I feel it's always me saying to him "let's go here, let's go there" which makes me feel I'm being bossy and controlling in his visits but if I didn't suggest these things then we would just the there staring at a blank wall, even when I asked him what he wanted to do he just said its up to me, why should I decide what he does on HIS visit and time with his child. I have no problem traveling but only if the day is planned ahead as of course I don't want to be getting on a million different buses with her if she strapped down in a buggy....as I said I do everything as the main parent any way so I just want him to at least take control of his own visit, sometimes I feel like I'm both their mother & I'm dreading this visit to j gym incase it ends up as bad as the swimming visit did and she's ignored by him- I get he may be nervious as I'm there (in the back ground) but that's his own fault and after all I am her mother, its no reason to ignore her....I feel drained by him more as time goes on and feel so sick before visits as I know how bad they will be, I know buba won't ever expect much from him and their relationship will just be what it is but when I see him just sitting their ignoring her I want to just get up and walk away with her forever
I think you have to give him an ultimatum - 5 hours of doing nothing and him ignoring your little one is not good quality contact - if it were me I would say something like
next time you visit it is up to you to decide where you want to take her - I would then take a book with me and sit and leave him to it - if he didn't engage with her within that time I would say contact is going to be one hour every fortnight
You can't go on like this - is the arrangement your agreed with the two of you or has the contact time been imposed?
Can't remember how old your little one is?
She's 10 months coming up to 11.....it's just a little private agreement, I did try to get a residental order but layers said they wouldn't fund it & I had no real reason to get one :(
So we went the j gym and as she was to young for it (like I said to him when he suggested it) we ended up leaving after one hour and had no choice but to go back to mine which I'm not happy about at all :(
then I feel you must change arrangements that suit you and your little one better
Thereason we agreed to 5 hour visits is because he travels roughly 3 hours to visit her so thought it would be a bit lame if he had such short visits (this was agreed when she was a month old and he wasn't as bad with her) I would love to change the visits to shorter until she was older and enjoyed going out etc but it will cause so much drama , he always has to moan about something and make things Uncomfitable so I don't want to add to it, I think I may do as suggested and cut contact if he doesn't come up with things to do...I always take a back seat in visits unless I need to show him something, however buba never wants to be with him and crawls/crys for me so i need to keep taking her back over to hiM. I've always made it clear it's his time with her and sat and told him today that he needs to start taking responsability at his visits and research places to take her & maybe put his hand in his tight pocket and pay for her sometimes on days out instead of expecting me too all the time (after saying this I still had to pay for her lol)
I think if your little one is crawling back to you then there is not much you can do about it - if he chooses not to interact with your little one then I would say you would be within your rights to make contact time less - I would tell him what you want
i.e. sort out the time you have with little one and if he doesn't then issue an ultimatum - its not your problem he doesn't live closer
yes you want your little one to have a good time and if you are present then you also want to have a good time but if you continue to sort it all out for him then he will continue to let you
take a book and let him get on with it - you say you will get hassle if you change things - what do you mean?
personally I think 5 hours with a little one out and about it probably too long unless there are lots of places to go
Gosh I didn't realise he was expecting you to pay as well as organising everything, Tinkerbell2! Poor you, you must feel as if you are hitting your head against a brick wall. I known that everything you have done is for buba's sake and to foster their relationhsip. I am also thinking (and I am sure you are too) the the arrival of the new baby may put a different complexion on things.
I feel he goes out his way too P me off every time! Yes sadly I have to always pay for her on his visits, he has never once put his hand in his pocket. I feel this "new baby" will drive him further away, if possible....as I said, since the news broke his contact between visits have gone from every other day to nothing at all, which already shows he is losing intreast (he's only sent 1 txt and that was to tell me the sex of baby and when scan is-weird) I know people say every child needs a father but in some cases this just isn't true! Maybe his fading out will be better to do now when she's too young to remember anything! I've tried my hardest for them to have a relationship but I can't force it and it's only his loss, buba will just always see the visits for what they are and not expect much but I know theses so much more he can give and don't think any human should love one child more than the other, I feel she has been robbed of a parent which stupidly makes me feel guilty for chosing him to be her father
Don't feel guilty - it is a wasted emotion
Hi Tinkerbell2, you really have done everything that you could, I am really impressed at your consistency.
I am wondering if he would actually prefer you to cut contact, so that he isn't seen as the bad guy and then he can always lay the blame at your feet.
I don't think you are alone when you say you feel guilty for choosing him to be her father! But as lrh says, guilt is a wasted emotion. If he wasn't her father, she wouldn't be here. We live and learn!
I think as she is still so young and he has so far to travel, I would think it perfectly acceptable to change contact to once a month for 5 hours. Then the pressure is off you a bit (and him too) OR you can say to him, that this isn't working for you, what does he want to do about it.
Anna you hit the nail on the head when you say he will put blame on me, he already tries to make people think he's the good doting dad and any changes would be made out that Im stopping his contact and trying to get rid of him.....he already said a few months ago in a txt that "I want him gone but it's never going to happen" so as I explained to him if I wanted him gone I would never of put him on birth ceft or let him meet her in the first place!
I honestly think this is a situation where time will do its work and you will see a big change when the new baby comes. In one sense, you can be sad on behalf of your buba but you are also coming round the to the point of view that she is not benefiting from this relationship at the moment.
I agree with Anna that you could cut down to once a month, however I would be more devious and say "You must really be busy and under pressure with the new baby coming. How about we cut down the visits to once a month just for a little while to see if it eases things for you?" You know him and I don't, but you say he is totally self-focused so that might stroke a chord. If he says no to that proposal THEN you can say but this isn't working...and open the can of worms.
Hi Tinkerbell how are things going for you and buba?
Hello Louise, myself and buba are good thank you. She hasn't seen her father in a month (he didn't attend last visit as he said he had to work) he is due this weekend so wondering if he will even bother to txt saying he has arranged a place to hold the visit at! he has had no contact during the time he hasn't visited and has missed so much as buba now walks, has 2 teeth and says more words. When people mention him in conversation i kindly say that im not intreasted in knowing or talking about him. When it comes to him now i have no intrest but would always be polite to him on visits. She has now stopped two of her reflux meds as its now gone (so happy) she is getting her allergus retested to see if they have gone/calmed down . On a whole all is good :)
Hi Tinkerbell2 glad to hear that buba's health is improving, and WOW she is walking too, i loved that stage in my childrens development.
I would try not to worry to much about how much your ex misses out on, as it is up to him to maintain contact, he only has himself to blame for what he misses out on by not maintaining more regular contact. Thankfully she has a great mum that is always there to see all her milestones.
Thank you Sally W, I don't worry I just as a loving mother can't understand how someone can be like that when it comes to their own flesh and blood. I don't see how A parent can come on visits and not ask one question about their child or what they have been up 2, like/dislike etc? how a parent can choose to have no contact between visits to see how their child is.....How can someone claim to love a child that they know nothing about and show no love or affection to? Its like loving a total stranger, his visits are purely to make him self look good to people, he tells stupid lies - example, he's not allowed her over night due to his past behaviour however he tells his family he don't have her over night as she's too poorly to stay at his and she's not allowed to travel far, I get why he don't say the real reason but man up and be a father then you could have her over night. I had to tell them the truth as we often go on a 4 hour trip to our holiday home, then I hear that people are saying his lying about his girlfriend being pregnant (i told them the news not him) as they have met her and there's been no mention/sign of a baby (she's due in 3 months) of he is lying about such a thing do I want a person like that around buba...sorry it just annoys me, I know she won't ever expect a fantastic time during visits as he never shows her love etc when with her so she won't know any different but we all want the best for our children and sadly can't protect them until they are old enough to decide for themselves.....that's the 1st time I've let all that out in over a month, good to get it off my chest lol
You let it out to us whenever you want, Tinkerbell2! 
You're right, it is just so puzzling about the lack of parental interest. I somtimes think that is one of the hardest bits about single parenting, that we cannot share the day to day achievements with someone else, it is not too bad if we have helpful family around us but if not then it can feel hard. You will just have to see what happens at the weekend. Good luck (gulp!)
I am so pleased to hear that her tummy is a lot better and oh-oh walking. Sally said she loved that stage but I can remember suddenly you are run off your feet because buba really will be into EVERYTHING, she will love exploring. I wonder if she will sleep more as well, now she is rushing around everywhere?
could you do something like an hour at your house then off to the local jungle gym and then an hour at the pool.
What about your local library?
Have you checked out netmums to see what others do in the area
Could you go further afield - say a short bus or car ride
Do you have a local contact centre that you could use?