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HI everyone, i need help here.
I have a close bond with my mum and my son is close to her too. But from day one, she's been of the opinion that ' i brought my son into the world, therefore its ME who needs to look after him'. I absolutely agree with this, and im very proud that i do solely look after my son alone and im proud of the relationship we share.
However, i feel that my mum is very reluctant to be flexable and help us out more. She doesnt work, but does have the responsability of a teenage daughter (my younger sister) She helps out once a week for 3 hours (very minimal in my opinion, although something im very grateful for) so that i can do some work in peace. She's dead set that she CANNOT help out wnymore than this. Furthermore, when i ask perhaps if she could help out, so that im able to have a night out, she's initially quite reluctant, which makes me feel awful for asking. It makes me feel as if i shouldnt be feeling as if i need a break and that i should be strong enough to do more work and more and more, but i just cant, I need a break and it seems as if, when i ask for one, im frowned upon.
The psychological reason behind all this, is because my mum lost her mum at the age of 7, and so she knows how much my boy needs me yknow? And when we were children, she was very protective (infact overly) and we were absolutely sure we were loved. My mumk has given everything for her children and nothing for herself. In a sense, im learning from this mistake - i know how much poarents need their time away from the kids, to develop their own inidivudality and own path, away from being a parent. My mum is of the opinion, that this needs to be sacrificed so that my child feels the love he deserves.
Im not sure how to deal with this. My sons dad has never taken responsablility and so this is a no go area (in terms of him helping me out).
please help :)
I'm very close to my ex-step-Mother-in-Law (my FiL died in the spring), but however close we are, other than tea on a Friday, that has been it.
My Mum died when my oldest was 5 (he's now 21).
Do you have friends who would be able to babysit every now and then? How old is your sister - perhaps she could babysit?
I'm sorry I have no answers...
Hi pink lilly, I hear your frustration and I can empathise with your situation. When my daughter was small, I had very little help or support. I saw other grandmothers offering to take my friends children to the supermarket, or wanting to take them on holiday. I was soo jealous.
However my mum felt that she had done her time and 'I made my bed so I should lie in it' She often says now that she did an awful lot of helping me out when my girl was small, but I beg to differ. Your mum is already having your son for 3 hours a week and by sounds of things you rely on her to do this.
I know it's tough and feels unfair, but it is not her job to babysit/look after our children (even though we might think it is). In an ideal world grandparents would be free and willing to have our little ones at the drop of a hat, because they have nothing better to do, but your mum is still a parent and could probably do without the added pressure. She probably would love to have some time to herself, someone else carry the load for a while.
My daughter is now 18 and I can understand my mums reluctance it still saddens me that she wasn't how I wanted her to be, but I have a poster on my wall that says:
'I am thankful to all those that said 'No' to me, it's because of them I did it myself" - Albert Einstein.
I know this doesn't help the situation however rather than be annoyed with your mum, seek help elsewhere, then your relationship with your mum can be free of that. What do you think?
I know how u feel, I am the same, but it may be that our mums are just human and unable to do more. My neighbours child goes to nannys every weekend to stay the night and she has a husband, with us its every few months! i am jealous of those families who are always together, i am sad it feels like she is doing a duty when she helps, rather than wants to be the doting grand parent. and that the babysitting gets shared with my sister who has a husband and lots of inlaws, I dont begrudge her I just dont think her need is as great. The best thing is just to accept it and look elsewhere for support, if thats at ourselves, it only makes us stronger and its ok to not manage that, we are all only able to do our best( and do that not all the time, unless your'e super woman!)
wow - thats really intersting what has been talked about. My mum is nearly 50, so yes, she does need time to herself and she is very tired. (after this post, we had a conversation).
And i love the idea of simply getting up and on with things (although at times, this is easier said than done) and i didnt think of looking for help elsewhere, i dont know whyl. I guess then, i have relied on my parents (particularly my mum) too much. Ive made my bed, and i will lie in it. I can only do what i am able to and i will opt for help elsewhere, where i can :)
thanks guys :) x
Wooow! Nearly 50 and is very tired????? I am sure you didn't mean this to be offensive, but please be careful! I am almost nearly 50, am studying fulltime, and have three teenagers at home. (one of the students on my course is 57, and she doesn't say she needs a rest). I don't think nearly 50 is a reason to be tired, thank you very much. I do think though that your Mum has the right to say I want some me-time.
Sorry to throw my rattle out of the pram, but this just got me. (I am not usually like that).
Good for you though, that this has helped you look at things from a different angle and trying to find alternative solutions. 
x
Hopeful you certainly have a full agenda, whether you are 20 or 50.
Hi pink lilly, it IS good to look for support from elsewhere, I think you are very perceptive when you realise that you tend to look to your parents first, I think we all do that naturally, after all they were our main source of support when we were younger. Anna has explained it very well as she went through the same process. As single parents, my thought is that we need a support NETWORK around us, whether that is friends, organisations or family, or perferably a combination of all three. I also think you're right that your mum has a particular idea of "motherhood", which is probably why you naturally turn to her
hi hopeful, thats really interesting how you raise the point of how much work you do, and i apologise if you felt offended by what i said, this was not intended at all.
My mum does complain that she is tired a lot however, and irrelevant of other peoples circumstances, this is what i have to accept and deal with in my context, which in one way is unfortunate, as i know so many grandparents who help out so much more. In another way, as discussed above, i will be thankful one day that i did it myself :)
thanks everyone.
I am 51 and I can honestly say I'm shattered most of the time. I only have a 10 year old, and work 20 hours a week. I guess we're all different, with different circumstances.
Hi pink lilly, I really admire the way you have taken what has been said, on board and going to look at alternatives, good for you!
You said that you had a conversation with your mum after posting on here, how did that go?
hi anna, yes i had a conversation with my mum. She basically told me, that she is VERY tired and has other commitments (e.g. the dog, her teenage daughter, staying with my nan in the week so that my grandfather is free to do things - hes my nans carer), but she doesnt mind helping out when she can and if its planned, everyt few weeks or so.
I am very grateful for this. I think to be hoinest, part of me is still bitter that my childs father does not step up to the mark, the doors are open so to speak, but he doesnt take the responsability and raise his child. I have to accept this :) and im learning to, but that situation is not my parents fault ... i try to palm some of his role onto them, without realsing i think, but ive understood that now :)
its just a case of being stronger (didnt think i could get there) and finding other avenues, thank you.
Hi pink lilly, it sounds understandable that your mum is very tired it would appear that she has quite alot on her plate too.
It's great that she can help you out with some notice on abit of a regular bases to. You are stronger than you think and you will get there it just takes time.
Do you have friends that support you?
funnily enough, a friend has appeared out of the woodwork so to speak recently, he is a single dad and its nice to have someone (of the opposite sex aswell) to relate to. I ahve other friends, although they dont have kids, so its hard for them to understand, although they do on the whole, support me and tell me that im a good mum.
im scared to reach out to others to askf or help, thats my trouble too. I feel really hard on myself, as if im my child mum, therefore i should beable to do it all and not need anyone (i,e. baysitters) to help me.
x
We ALL need that network of support, pink lilly, you don't have to be Superwoman. You know on telly, there is that portrayal of the ultimate cheesy self-sacrificing mother? Well it's not real and I have yet to meet the woman who is really like that!
Glad you have been in touch with an old friend again.
And be proud of yourself that you are so perceptive about all the things that are going on in your life right now. Other people can give advice but it is you learning about yourself that will be the most help to you on your life journey (ooh sorry I sound like one of those awful greetings cards now, I hope you know what I mean!)
hi, my mum babysits for an hour every few months or so, she says ''I bought my kids up, you bring yours up'' which is fair enough but she and my dad are the only family I have near me so I get no help and it is very frustrating, I haven't been out in teh evening since before I fell pregnant. I wish I could help but I've just learned to live with it lol
Hi, youve hit the nail on the head - youve described my situation pretty much and youre right, it is a matter of accepting it and getting on with it. I do have friends however, that say 'yuou should get out more' or 'try and get a babysitter' etc, which re-inforces the difficulty of staying at home with your child continuously without a break most of the time - almost a feeling of being trapped.
but yes youre right, simply accepting what you have a getting on with it, is prbably the best attitude. thanks.
My son started nursery in september which gives us both a break, it's 5.50 for a 3 hour session but I know private nurseries offer 15 hours free if you get income support, might be worth seeing what's in your area. Even after he goes there I do still get upset and have that trapped feeling and I think it's because I have no one there to say give me five minutes and on top of housework, shopping, cooking, finances it does get tough
yeh, very true!!
Hi pink lilly. I'm not quite sure on this one I'm afraid. I can't say why your Mum won't help out so you could perhaps have a night out on occassions, but could it be because she helps out for a few hours in the week, and also maybe it's something to do with having a teenage daughter at home too? She might be too tired, or just simply, like you say, think 'you had a child, he's your responsibility' Which of course he is, but an evening out once in a while would be nice. Do you any friends that could babysit for you, and in return, you babysit for them?