This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
at min im so upset the more i think through it all i was in terrible violent relationship and eventually got out but then certain agencys walked into life and it resulted with me feeling the one being blamed or considered that all i had gone through was trival enough to be passed over as nothing.
thats how i felt course help and support my ex received on release prison was in abundance due to his debt being paid his reformed charater title omg he was playing the game they wanted to get all he wanted proffessionals were unable to see this and in meantime i was just pleased to be away from him years it taken for me even start talk people abit bout stuff that went on i still feel shame at how i was weak and couldnt go in beginning which mentally was damaging for my babys despite that being very last thing i would done intentionally and i realised fast it best not to discuss it all course despite many claims of proffessionals being more sympathetic towards victims violence abusive relationships there still was so many that would look and speak to you as if the blame lied with you as you did remain there i beleived over the years that things did seem to have progressed in that way there was more help for familys trying to flee the person harming them and it was felt good to think at least people wasnt made feel like i was years ago i think the reason i stupidly saw these improvements as more than what they are is dwn to not being able talk bout it so i didnt come across the same stigma and distate of some but last week i sadly ended up in family court where my time giving my statement was met with so called proffesionals that are thought be supportive caring duty care etc etc it turned out still thought fit to bring up past and situation had been in and what damages it had resulted in how my inability to do things to resolve it how my kids were damaged course i had kept us in relationship so parenting skill were nonexistant with me and basically i was unable to blame anyone for things except myself and some things currently an issue may not be directly to do with me but course it was connected to my son i was still at fault for not forseeing it poss i am at loss as to how i will ever feel the past is past and cant return to be used against me in anway my ex went prison his debt society paid hahah but clearly mine cant be considered same if i had been one to stab him and gone to prison id have had the oppotunitys hes had maybe just no i wont be happy til i have tried help change the way victims are treated
Hello IDT, I would say you were one of the very best people mandyleelee could talk to about this topic!!!
Hi again mandyleelee, you have been through the mill, haven't you? Left feeling that everyone else had taken over for a while but wasn't there when you needed them. I am not surprised you feel bitter about the support that was given to your children's dad, it felt like a reward although he was the perpetrator.
I do think things are changing but very slowly, and not enough in my opinion. You were devastated when you went to court recently that your past was still brought up and you feel you can never escape and that you were being judged as a parent. How totally unfair! The "system" can feel so powerful, sometimes, compared to how small we feel as individuals.
So where are you at now? What happened at the court?
Hi Louise well I have a strong view on the so called 'professionals' carry on problem is I'd hate it to put anyone off leaving an abusive twunt so I was biting my tongue so to speak but if I'm free to voice my opinion and let rip then great ;p I will be back shortly with my view x
Hi mandyleelee
I took part in a study for a a student studying at uni she was looking at how dv impacts on the relationship between mothers and their children,and her focus was on how professionals can step up to the mark and improve their services.
My daughter was interviewed too, i was introduced to her through wa and the stronger famys program could this be a starting point for yourself maybe?
I thing gp's could play a big part in helping women and men, mine was just informed enough.
There's just so much lacking in understand the behavior of both the male and the woman and how you feel under attack from these people.
Ss actaly enabled my abuser to continue his abuse they fed into things, they couldn't see through him sadly, I was trying to leave him, he'd moved into the house next door I was in so much turmoil and was desperate for help bit I didn't get any, I could go on and on about how I tried to reach out to so many people including wa too,and was let down by a system that's ment to protect us, it took over a year for me to get onto a freedom program, the police well the CPs dropped a case when he broke a non mol that I had, police failed to arrest him it just went on and it's too hard to fight it when your faced with the failings of these people, one worker took hos side and took it to child protection never bothered to tell me why but it was his lies.
There a lot of work to be done with a long list of professionals
They just are not trained enough they lack so much knowledge it's aparling.
It's judges the police gp's hv's SW's fsw's it's all of them they need training I know wa run freedom p for such as above.
In an ideal world a woman would have one person one worker throughout the process of leaving her abuser, from start to finish I lost count of how many different sw etc I had at my door judging me and my home my kids when they knew nothing about me.
At one point I was hysterical at 3 am on the phone to children's serves begging for help they said sorry we carnt do anything, called me about a month later eh?
I have had some very good support from I think two supportive people so wasn't all bad.
So are you wanting to try help change things mandyleelee ? tell me more ;)
Some great points there, IDT 
Mandyleelee, have you done The Freedom Programme?Click the blue link to see
my oldest boy hes 15 tomorrow he has came home to me when he was 12 he had been living with my aunt with ss recomendation but the period time he was there he was mentally physically abused till he ran away he was eventually returned to me after i had another baby he was 1 at time since my oldest returned he has shown continueing level of behavior problems which on tryin get help with by ss as last option i was left to deal with alone when they did get involved it was cause he was in court and i got judge to order ss help initially it looked like finally any problems my boy may have would be sorted out which was releif as he was getting into things that could endanger him bottom line is they didnt do much to help whatso ever except take hard line with me as he was getting more uncontrolable he even ended up taking drugs when told social worker her input was lend me her phone and a drugs advice num which turned out totally useless as kids wasnt there area plus they were scotland based eventually i managed get him off them with help of couple friends where we live but there was not a week passing where somthing was happening with my boy as rule not good things i was continously pulled over coals for lack control with him and due to having to basically watch him or look for him when he went missin my youngest was missing alot school etc not easy dragging boy 14 who wants to be doing anything but down school in mornings etc to take younger 1 in i didnt feel i could leave oldest alone til got bck cos he would dissapear until such time he chose to return police attitude was he will come bck when hungry and that didnt help so i have been dealing with trying keep him safe from himself and others and trying get to bottom of what was making him behave this way i beleive it is down to things he witnessed as youngster and it been suggested he suffering post traumatic stress but the list for assessments puts him num 200 or so and that gona be bit of wait in jan he ran away after a social worker had chat with him telling him he was going prison and the effects had on me his little bruv would be down to him he dissapeared for what was 2 weeks in total authoritys picked him up in london after i traced where he was he was in custody d=for 2 days while authoritys here and there worked out what be done with him i was told by social worker here at 3.30pm 1 day to travel there collect him by 5pm he had been taken from the court building by a yos worker to the nearest social services dep to wait me collect him where the worker allowed him to tie his laces whilst he carried on walking my boy ran then so 5 10pm s worker here rang me say he was gone again i rang the met police but had no info on person accompanyin him rang s worker bck at 5,30 he had clocked off work which left me tryin deal with it without details needed few day later he returned on his own but while he had been missing someone known to him and my neice burgled my house then saet it alight completely destroying everything we had all this gathered together was what led to the authority taken me court residence order for both boys saying jus fact we technically homeless was facter which we have somewhere stay til i can sort out new residence anyway it took 6 weeks for court date where in that time the rare visits conversation with s worker was pointless in fact nothing was directed into helping our present situaion i was one researching avenues that coulf assist us and then going to s services bout it only to get it not acted on once court day come 2 week ago thur they had chose to only request my younger boys removal on grounds he wasnt gettin all attention etc to meet his needs due to me having to concentrate on other child so much basically the caffcass person had been on our side til it come out prior involvement with s services and my mental health at time he then chose to agree with removal which was awarded i was given 2 hours pack my baby stuff say bye he was taken by two strangers to us from s services and left with foster carer it took whole week before get them to arrange contact or even give me info as to how he is already they playing bout with contact sessions cutting them dwn and in meantime not once has anything been mentioned as regards my oldest he been left with me to cope with cos now he got the guilt he feels for his brother been taken on top af his problems already dealing with so things at min seem to be going from bad to worse and i am finding it almost impossible to stay possitive
Hello mandyleelee
I am not surprised that you are finding it hard to stay positive!
So as I understand it, you have your 15 year old living with you and your youngest boy is still with foster carers? Where are you living now?
I was wondering whether you had had anything to do with the local Youth Offending Team? You are right: you and your boy need so much support and no-one seems to be giving it. One Helpline that I think genuinely COULD help you is the Family Rights Group. Click on the blue link to see their website and their Helpline details.
So..it is your boy's birthday today, are you doing anything to celebrate? it would be nice if you could let him know that despite everything that has happened, you want to celebrate him being 15
Hi I really connected with how you were made to feel by professionals and it certainly ant nice, I was belittled by social workers who just didn't understand or get it, I did meet a few very good ones but the bad outweigh the good ones.
It's at that time you need them but I got pointed the finger at etc we had meeting but it was him I was trying to leave.
There's so many sad things in your post going on, but you were really not to blaim for staying in a relationship, it's really not that easy or simple to leave an abusive relationship there is just lots of factors that keep us from leaving x don't be hard on yourself.
So I don't have answer to your question, I can say I believe there are changes happning but they are slow, they will take time to kick in
Someone will be along to answer your question better than I can x