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Is it just me, or do they still, the ex's still get you? Years down the line, abusive or not, they come back, and bang, they are right where we left off. I don't want to be here, but I am. Thought I dealt with this last year, long story, but then I get a text wishing me happy Easter, and I'm back doing the same thing with him. Wondering, dreaming whatever. Knowing he is wrong for me, he is playing games, but still. Am now sitting listening to music which he and I did, going back in time, and....... Has he changed? I don't know, but doubt it. Has it got to me? Hell of course he has!
Am here hazeleyes - do you want to contact me the other way?
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Good morning Hazeleyes,
I remember the last time this guy had some contact with you and you had almost got to the point where you were thinking you would start seeing him again, is that right, in fact you were expecting something to happen and it did not go ahead? (sorry if I have got that wrong)
You ask when "they" lose their hold over us and I guess the answer is different for all of us but would like to guess that for many of us the answer is that we don't lose our feelings, but maybe our heads change so it becomes less of a "hold". Does that make sense? And of course at times we are vulnerable (eg if we feel lonely...often worse at "holiday" times) then our heads feel less in control.
You also ask if he has changed and is no longer abusive. What do you think? Do you really want to be with someone who has broken your arm, kicked you down the stairs, been repeatedly unfaithful to you ? And C to think of now, of course.
Hope things feel a bit clearer and more settled this morning. We are here for you, whatever!
You've hit the nail right on the head Louise. Through the night I've been thinking the same thing. Loneliness. I thought having a job, making friends etc, our holidays wouldn't be the 'same', doing the same stuff we always do. Before school finished, TA's were saying we'd meet up. I've texted, and supposedly we'll meet up this week. I wonder? Yesterday C went out, and he was expecting Friday friend to be here. Adult came but no son. Of course C was very upset, and admittedly I was upset for him. The friday friend didn't get it. Actually not even sure why I call her friend really, constantly she lets me down, we'll get together in the hols etc etc. She turns up when she has nothing better to do, has had a row with the partner, never invites us there, because the partner doesn't like it. When it boils down to it, she uses me (I think). Last night, once C was feeling less upset, he started showing her card tricks, so he was entertaining us really. He then went into his room to do some reading, and she then said how demanding he was!!! I argued it out with her, because he isn't like that at all, doesn't demand anything. She then said her own son was demanding, always wanting her to do this, that or the other with her, and he gets what he wants. No way is C like that. Just because her son is, why did she have to make a comment like that to begin with? Hurtful silly things I know, but still.... She didn't stay long, and I really wish she hadn't come to be honest. Anyhow, I then put music on, and re-read the texts from the man himself, and the loneliness of it all got me on the track of him again. So so daft, considering everything that went on, years before, last year etc. Guess even though I'm used to doing the same stuff, night after night, day after day, the loneliness never truely goes away, even if you think it does. I'm not saying I'm not content with my life, and I even think deep down I don't want to share it with anyone else, it would be nice to be out of the flat in the evenings sometimes.
Glasses off now Louise, have analysed everything hehe. Going to enjoy my day with my 'demanding' son.
Sending you a big HUG.Glad you have had a think. Sometimes when we understand WHY we feel things then it makes coping with them a bit easier. Life will get less lonely for you as C grows older. At the moment, you are with him practically all the time and this will naturally change as he gains more independence.
In the meantime I wonder if it is a good idea to have a look round for some new friends to add to your circle?
Hi hazeleyes, I just put on the YouTube video, oh my god, just listening to it makes you feel blue!
I am glad you are feeling a little stronger today.
We want our abusive ex's to see the error of their ways, so that we can move on with our lives and know that they were the ones in the wrong - because even after all these hideous incidents we still have a belief that we could have stopped it etc.
However, it is not often that a leopard changes his spots. Your ex might just be seeing how the land lies, they want to know that there still might be an opening if possible.
Did you ever seek professional support after all that abuse?
Hi Anna. Hope you had a good Easter, though of course you're working on a Bank Holiday!
I didn't seek any support after the abuse. You think you've laid it to rest, and then it rears it's ugly head again, if you know what I mean. He does test the waters I think by sending texts, asking 'what's new, are you seeing anyone at the moment' etc. He also told me years ago, after I had moved into the flat, that I was seeing somebody with a white van. In fact the van belonged to my neighbour, and when I questioned M about how on earth he would know a van was parked outside mine, he admitted that sometimes he would drive down here, (I guess to check, I don't know), see the van parked each time, and assumed it was someone (a man that I had to be seeing) Anyhow, am over the blip from the other night 
Good to hear it! Just remember to keep your wits about you for the 'next' time
Still listening to the music. No one to talk too, that knew me and him then! So, here goes, it will be lengthy. Met him when I was 17, fell over heels. He was married. (bad start) Very young he was, 22, 2 children. They split, we got together. My mum and dad livid obviously (looking back). Started dating, my god I was in love! Found out he cheated on me, with my sister. Yep! Forgave him. Found he cheated on me with my best friend. Yep! Forgave him. By this time, don't you think I'd have dumped him? No, well, in love. Fell pregnant. My mum gave me a choice, him or her. Sadly, I chose him. She wouldn't have me back, kicked me out. He kicked me down the stairs, (even though he wanted me to keep the baby, yeah right). Thought the right thing was to terminate, so I did. Long story in the clinic, with my mum and me, and the process with his family and mine! Got back with him, why? Because he still told me he loved me, and I believed it. Idiot! Still against my parents wishes, we arranged a wedding. My mum refused to get involved. my dad, bless him, didn't know what had happened. Everything planned, I was kicked, punched, arm broken, and still I stayed. Why? Because I loved him, and he loved him!! Not sure when the crunch came, and I got the strength, maybe it was when he pulled me from a works gathering, and kicked me to the ground, beating hell out of me, kicking me, and the police were called, by on lookers. Did I do anything? No. Why? Because I loved him, and didn't want him to get into trouble. Lots went on, I really don't know when I got the strength to say no more..
We have met years later, have spoken etc. Over the years, he has commented that he has seen a change in me I've become stronger, and he 'didn't like it'. He knows I have no one now, ie, my mum dad, family. Has played me a few times I have to say. Texted me yesteday, and not even sure why I'm posting this, but he's playing games again, and years later, Im still ruddy hooked. If I play the game, I shall be hooked, but this time C will be involved. Am I prepared for this? Of course not, no way would I involve C. Is he legit this time, would he be abusive? The answer to both is I don't know. Do I still love him after all these years, and after what he has done? Truth is yes. So, what I'm saying is, when after the abusive stuff, unfaithfulness, when does it all come to an end?