Hi,
six months ago - my wife suddenly passed away (aged 38) - I have 2 children (2 year old and 4 year old)
Just wondering how people cope?
Not to sure how i am coping to be honest - every day as it comes. I do have some support - but, i do not really like to ask. fell pretty alone, but i try not to think about it really.
Hi slavin
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. It must be so difficult for you to have a chance to grieve with your children to care for.
I hope you have family friends around you to be there for you and to help.
I sometimes think that people cope with what life throws their way as sometimes there's little choice.
This is a great place for a bit of company though, even if it is virtual.
So much goes through my mind - the future - holidays - waking up to someone - i could go on!
Good days and bad days really - today is not a good day ;-)
I think that is the best thing slavin, to take one day at a time. Have you had counselling at all? If you have the support, lean on them as much as you need to. I'm sure they would bend over backwards. Saying that though, I do know how hard it is to ask. As Sparkling has said, this is a fantastic support group, so please do keep posting.
Sorry you're having a bad day slavin. Do you have plans for this evening or the weekend?
No counselling - not really that type of person to be honest. Worried how i will cope in the future. I still have my personal dreams - but how i get to those now......... no idea
Sometimes looking too far ahead can make things seem so much harder. At times dealing with today needs to be the focus.
I'm so sorry today's a bad day. Such early days for you too.
Loads of virtual hugs
Plans for the evening (will leave work in 10 minutes)
Pick up daughter - pick up son - then back home by about 7:30 - put them to bed - then cook!
Nothing amazing.
Might open a nice bottle of wine!
Moving offices at the weekend...
what are your dreams?
Ah the joy of moving offices... Where I work, we moved in December. Still can't find stuff
I have allways been very driven (own business etc)
I have sold that in the past 2 months, and invested in another company. My main aim to is buy my farm! (Darling buds of may kind of thing)
Guess its a bit silly now being a single parent and all. No idea where i would fine the time!
That's not silly at all. And being a single parent "just" means that things move forward differently.
I'm sure your children would absolutely love that too. As for time... Sometimes time management needs to change so you can reach your dreams. Perhaps a smaller farm with lots of DIY...
It does make me sound very old - but i have just turned 37!
Just wanted the perfect life - and i was so close to getting it.
Yep - that was the plan anyway. I am useless at DIY - but i know people!
We shall see what happens.
I have to pick up the kids now - but thanks, and i will be back online later!
But you don't need to give up on that when you are so close.
I can only imagine how very hard it is without your wife by your side, but she'll be with you in your heart.
Back home now (a nice 45 mile trip)
Getting the kids a bit settled (cheating watching a pre-recorded cbeebies nighttime program) then will get them to bed.
Kids seem fine with it all - as they are so young.
Dont really look forward to weekends - its very hard going out and seeing families together during the weekend.
I do feel like i am on the "pile" now - and all i have to focus on is bringing my children up the best i can. I seem to think - as soon as i have them married off - then my job is done (if that makes sense) My life now is not about me - its just about the children. Which is fine by me really.
But anyway - who ever reads this - thanks for reading! - sometimes its good to have a little rant now and again.
Done for now
Have to say I understand that one...
Best wishes
sparklinglime - can you tell me about you?
I've been on my own now for 8 years - ex chose a new path in life after we'd been married for 20 years.
We have four children, and the youngest was 5 when we split up.
He lived locally before moving away two years ago. He chooses to have very little contact with the children. My daughter was 18 this year, and was devastated as he didn't said a card (he remarried a few years back). He doesn't do cards which is sad for the children.
I started to become disabled about 7 years ago, and have severe athritis.
No social life as such as ex rarely had the children, and if he did would cancel at the last minute. Now my lot are old enough for me to go out, I don't really have close friends to go out with. Which is fine most of the time... Staying home has become a way of life - but I do a lot with Scouts now, which I do enjoy.
My now 16 year old has Asperger's/autism and at times can make life exhausting! My 20 year old son drives me nuts too!! 
I've been so lucky with the children though. The four are very close, and since they were "new" we've had a lot of fun and laughter.
The Killers and Mr Brightside have got me through many a dark day...
Having said that, what has gone on in my life has been down to choices. And I wouldn't change a thing.
(I hope you're not sorry you asked... I can talk and type for Wales!)
not a problem to talk -
Arthritus is one of the main causes for my wifes death. She started to get it after our son was born - she went onto some new drugs - got ill - all with in 24 hours. So i know how bad this can be. So you have my full thoughts. x
I do feel very lucky to have children, as i know some of my friends cannot have them. So i do think sometimes there is light at the end of the tunnel (and i hope its not a train)
It won't be a train.
It isn't easy when they're so young. In a way I was lucky as their father didn't ever do much with them or as a family, so being on my own was easy.
My Mum had athritis, and unfortunately its hereditary.
There will always be bad days, and somehow the odd bad day can cancel out all the ones that were good.
Hello slavin and welcome to One Space. I am so sorry to hear of what happened to your wife and a terrible shock to you. Lots of emotions for you to go through, not "just" grief, there could be anger, a lack of comprehension, disbelief, guilt...the range is almost endless. You said you were not a counselling sort of person. Are you a reading sort of person? I was wondering about whether we could source an article or two which may be helpful. Anyway let me just say to you that whilst there is wild variation, on average it seems to take a year for the strongest emotions to abate after bereavement and two years for you to move your life forward significantly.
Having a dream is a wonderful thing and there is lots of time to fulfil this. There is no need to think you will always be single, for example, and your life does not stop until you get your children married off! However, these next two or three years ARE going to be demanding as far as being a dad goes, and getting any support you can will be a great help.
So it is Saturday. What's on the agenda? And what did you cook last night?
Hi,
Well - last night did a boring pasta (i used to do alot of cooking anyway) - so i find it easy to be in the kitchen cooking with a bottle of wine!
I need to move my desk this weekend to my new office (i need a large horse box as the desk is 8ft by 6ft)
I think i am a strong person, i lost my father when he was 52 (i was 25) - so i have been through this kind of thing before.
I cant believe its been nearly 6 months - time has gone by pretty quickly for some reason. seems like yesterday that my wife was with me. I think about her every day, but then if i do not think about her for a 8 hours or so - i feel guilty! - So many things i miss - but i wont go into that (as it will start off as a bad day!)
I am pretty practical about things. I am pretty lucky (in a strange way) that i looked after the children along with my wife - so i am not a stranger to changing nappies etc.
Good luck with the move. I remember when I sold my piano, what a devil that was to move, and the new people took it away in a farm trailer
Well you know we are here if you want to talk about things now, whether that is how your day has been or a request for information.
The cooking sounds good! Have a look at the Food Glorious Food section (click), have a read of the recipes and you might have a suggestion or two of your own to add
Good morning slavin. So, today you're moving your desk! Do you have someone to help you?
Don't feel guilty if you don't think about your wife for 8 hours or so. I'm sure you know she wouldn't want that. She is around you all of the time, through the children, and in all of your memories.
Have you someone to look after the children today, as you're 'on the move?'
Slight change of plan - Desk move is tomorrow, as someone is using the Landrover! - I will take the children with me - as no option really.
Need to go shopping for nappies etc (something i never used to have to do!)
Food already on for tonight (Braised Beef Cheeks) - so they will need a good 8 hours.
I will take the Children to Burton Dassett - Its a good outdoor space so i can control them easily! -
wow I'm impressed. Braised Beef Cheeks!! You sound like a natural in the kitchen slavin.
I allways find slow cooking is easy. Takes 5 minutes to prepare this kind of food - then you can go out and leave it to cook. Freeze what i do not use - so i have meals for some other time.
Beef cheeks are so much nicer that Fillet - everyone should try it!
As long as i do not tell the kids its beef cheek - they love it!
You've definately got to put it in the food section slavin. Louise gave you the link I think. You'll make cooks out of some of us ladies yet, hehe.
Got loads like that. Some nice and easy fresh pasta dishes (i work with an Italian) great French food also -
Kids seem to enjoy it all (so far) but we shall see!
I find time in the kitchen takes my mind off things - put on some music and have a quick glass of wine. I find TV brings back to many memories at the moment - so prefer to block it out.
and to me - slow cooked beef cheeks with mash and a glass of merlot verses eastenders? - no contest!
I use the slow cooker a lot.
I hope you enjoy the day out with the children. When my lot were small I joined the national trust as there are two places close to me - plenty of space to run around and a good playground.
Now they prefer to do their own thing :-)
Good luck with moving the desk tomorrow.
Hi Slavin,
I've not read all of this, but I understand what it's like. My husband died four and a half years ago from cancer. My children are older than yours though.
You cope by just getting on with it, trying to keep 'normality' for your children. I didn't read whether you're working? I took a year out after my husband's death and am now almost finished with my BSc in Adult Nursing.
It gets easier with time, not that you miss that person less, but you get used to missing them. I was terrified at the beginning that I'd forget anything we had done together or that I'd stop loving him, but I haven't and sometimes some really fun memory comes back and that's really a nice warm feeling, especially when there's someone I can share it with who knew him.
Hi,
Yes - i am working. Its something i have to do - as i employ people, it also helps me focus on things. I have a fantastic mum (and mother in law) who help me with the children on the school run.
I try to speak to my wife just to ask if i am doing things right (nothing back yet!) i also try to make sure the children speak about their mum also.
On another note - (the post above) - i have cooked the beef cheek - but have decided to put it in a suet pudding and steam it.
So - total cooking will be about 12 hours (no not at all practical)
Tomorrow is another day - lets see what it brings.
Hello slavin,
How has today been for you?
Bereavement is such a strange thing and such a personal experience. Everyone seems to be affected by it in different ways. From reading your posts, it seems as though you are managing with your loss in the best way you can. It sounds like your support system is really robust too; my friends were unbelievable during my darkest times.
Do let us know how you're doing.
Mary
Cherish your memories
My children and i were catapuleted into a parents worst nightmare last year
All i can say is how i feel and what i choose to do...
How would you wish your children to cope in a situation? Give yourself time and the advice you would give your children.
Allow for the feelings to come and go.
A support system is vital, no one is there when the lights go out,six months is not so long ago, Counselling? Well sometimes they can cause more harm than good.
Do you not feel you owe it to your children to give it a go? You make the choices ultimately, as much input, will help you take a deep breath and carry on.
There is no guide or scale or limit.
Little steps, deep breaths and only ever smile from the heart
Hi slavin and welcome to One Space from me too
I am sorry to hear of your loss, life must seem to be rushing by in one big blur, but with every moment a difficult one.
I think your dream of a farm is a fantastic one and something you shouldn't give up. It sounds like you are a hard worker and a pro active person.
As others have said, take each day at a time, or each hour at a time on difficult days. You will feel blue and that is ok, be kind to yourself. You are not expected to be super human.
It is great that you have supportive people in your life, as although this feels like a lonely journey at the moment, life must go on.
Did you get your offices sorted?
Hi slavin. Welcome along. I'm so sorry to hear about your wife. What a shock for you all. How are you managing? Do you have support around you?