15 yr old daughter estranged from dad

Prairie

Hi,

I'm new here and have enjoyed looking around all the friendly posts. I'm hoping someone can help me.

My daughter is not speaking to her dad and hasn't now for about 8 weeks. He and I are divorced, partly because of his affairs and partly because he worked really long hours and was never around. I had never told my kids about these affairs, but my daughter found a letter which was hidden in my drawer a few years ago. She maintained a relationship with her dad, but a couple of months ago, decided that she preferred to be with her boyfriend than to go and see her dad on his birthday, which hurt him, so he put lots of pressure and a guilt trip on her. She finally wrote him angry email telling him that she knew about the affairs, and was hurt that he was always working and didn't have time for us. He wrote back but didn't satisfy her need for a proper answer, so she has chosen not to see or speak to him. He still sent emails about how much it was hurting him.

Then we found out she is pregnant. Well, she told me and I had to tell her dad. He took it stoically, but thought she should have an abortion, even though he claims to be pro-life (?!).

Recently he sent me an email telling me that he was at the end of his tether with her not speaking to him and she had to realise that her behaviour has 'consequences', but didn't spell out what these might be.As he asked for my advice I wrote back saying that she is not a child any more and won't care about consequences. I have tried to encourage him to seek a professional advisor on how to handle this situation, or talk to someone he knows, but to my knowledge, he hasn't. It is frustrating for me, as it has been nearly two weeks since I replied to his email and he hasn't responded. My daughter is adamant that she doesn't want to speak to him. I had hoped the pregnancy would bring us together as a family. Her boyfriend's family is very supportive of both of us and my 18 year old son is also which is nice.

How do I get my ex to see that teenagers are a unique species who have moods we can't take personally and that they just need to know we are there for them whenever they need us, without expecting anything in return?

Sorry this is so long. I just want to hear someone else's take on this. I don't know what else I can do.

Prairie

Posted on: June 13, 2010 - 1:21pm

sparklinglime

Online

Personally, I do think you've done all you can.

As you say, your daughter is old enough to know her own mind when it comes to her fahter, and he needs to appreciate this.

I can understand how devastating this must be for him, but it would be good if he could be supportive and not start to be negative, I feel.

I'm sure all this has come as a shock to all of you. I am glad the boyfriend and his family are being supportive here.

I'm afraid I have no idea what to suggest, sorry.

Be kind to with this as well. I'm sure it's a lot to get your head around without having to be worrying about this.

Posted on: June 13, 2010 - 2:38pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello Prairie

Firstly welcome! it is good to see you here and I do hope that you will become a regular poster and join in with the chat and get support and information here.

Thinking about your daughter, she is almost grown-up now and at 15 is old enough to know her own mind. of course it has come as a shock to you all about her pregnancy. She may well feel that her father has no right to judge her when he has behaved in the way he did during his marriage to you.

However annoying it may be that he has not responded, the fact remains that you cannot make someone do something they don't want to. He asked for your advice, you gave it...now it is up to him. Your responsibility is to your daughter and not to him. Has she got some support in place, through the school or through Connexions? How are you feeling about this? it will change your life having a new baby in the family. Do let us support you as you go through this situation.

Posted on: June 13, 2010 - 3:54pm

hazeleyes

Hi Prairie, Welcome to One Space. I'm glad you've had a chance to look around so you can see how friendly and supportive we all are here :) The pregnancy must have come as a shock, but you're handling it really well, and it's great that your daughter's boyfriend plus family are also rallying round. As for your ex, I do feel your daughter has every right to be angry with him. She is old enough to know her own mind, and if she doesn't want to see or speak to him, then that is her choice. I'm sure once things are calmer, and maybe even when the baby comes along, things might improve for them. As for him not replying to your e.mail, I wouldn't worry too much. You've done your best, and I think that is really good of you by the way, considering the reasons for your divorce.

I look forward to chatting some more. Please keep posting so we can get to know you a bit better and vice versa. (Have you got the knitting needles out yet, hehe)

Take care

Alison

Posted on: June 13, 2010 - 6:54pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi Prairie

Welcome along, I ditto what everyone else has said. Something someone said to me years ago when I used to worry about my daughters relationship with her dad. ....It is not my responsibility.....It is their relationship.

As sparklinglime said - you can only respond to him when he asks, you can't fix anything and actually you shouldn't have to listen to anyone tell you about your daughter, it is his issue, not yours. I think you can firmly and assertively choose ot keep well out of it, he made his bed etc. It is not your responsibility. Of course you wil be there for your daughter, however again it isn't your problem, you can listen and advise but thats about it.

My daughter is 15 so I imagine you are going through a whirlwind of emotions at the moment. How so you feel about her pregnancy? How does she feel? Has she made a decision? Is she able to talk openly about it?

We are right here to support you Prairie, lean on us we are are for you.

Posted on: June 17, 2010 - 5:38pm