6 months on.. when does the pain end???
Hi katiegargar
Welcome to One Space. I am so sorry to hear that you're going through so much pain. Time is a great healer, but unfortunately no one can say how long it will take you. I guess it is still early days for you anyway if your ex only moved out in June. Eventually, you will be able to move on, so don't worry about that!!
How is your 4 year old doing with it all? Do you have family and friends for support? Keep posting on here. Theres a great bunch of people around who can offer you loads of advice etc. Theres lots of forums too, so loads to chat about!
It will get better for you, so hang on in there.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Kate
The tears will eventually lessen.
HE needs to stop telling your son that you've made HIM sad. That can't help.
I lost three stone when I got divorced - and without trying! Though most has crept on since I've not been able to walk the miles I used to.
You're doing so well, and have a goal - which I'm certain you will achieve.
This site does help, as it does make you realise that there are a few of us about.
Take care
Dear katiegargar
So sorry to read that you are still going through a very painful time.
It sounds as though everything that you are doing in your life is exactly what you should be doing at this stage ie. friends, housing, good work hours, re-educating , gym, counselling etc, so stop for a moment and give yourself a pat on the back as it has been a HUGE upheaval in your life.
As others have said, time is the only healer. It must be hard to see your ex with a new person and seemingly so happy. I think the counselling will really help with you thinking of him all the time, you have had your dreams/future/stability taken from you, it is bound to have a MAJOR impact.
It is hard when our children start asking questions and we know that they are thinking that it is all our fault. I think our role changes from when we were 'Mummy & Daddy' to our children, to when we raise them on our own. I think we need to become more honest and upfront with them. We can't hide so much from them (which isn't always a bad thing! :o ) The response that I would give my daughter when she was four and telling me that I made Daddy sad would be, that Daddy made mummy sad too, but I think he is crazy for leaving our lovely home and family. It was his choice to leave. I think it is also fair to say that you miss Daddy too and feel sad that he has left you. This gives your son a chance to recognise his own feelings, by seeing that you share them.
may be one day i will be able to support someone through their difficult time????
I am sure you will! Your life WILL change and maybe when you are thinking and feeling sad about your ex, think about how much he has let, not only you down, but your son too.
Have you been watching Nurse Jackie??? ;)
Hi Kate
Most of my friends have money, (unlike me), so I can relate to you saying this. Except of course, I'm moaning about the money situation not any partners :lol: I find myself going to say something, and then think twice. Sooooooo, I get on One Space, and have a little rant ;)
! All of my friends are all happily married and are getting sick of me going on about how crap my life is.....
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi katiegargar
I will try my best with navigation, (bearing in mind, I can't drive, and I definately can't read maps) :lol: If you scroll up you will see Board Index, underneath that or below, (senior moment here) you will see 'unanswered posts', etc. Click on one of these, and then just repeat the process.
You are more than welcome, and we'll look forward to chatting.
Please forgive me if I've navigated wrong, someone with intelligence will be along shortly I'm sure. :roll: :roll:
Glad you've had a better day.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Bad days - I'd just cry... I'd just tell the children that I was sad. I couldn't stop, so they had to deal with it!! :lol:
Hi katiegargar
Fantastic to hear that you are finding these boards supportive, remember too that we have all been where you are in one way or other in the past. So in answer to your topic question, when does the pain end??? Someday soon, is the best answer I can give!!
As for navigating the boards I would suggest that you go to the Welcome to the Parenting Alone Online Group page (click on the breadcrumbs above, where it says HomeWelcome to the Parenting Alone Online Group page ) then click on Mark forums read (which is just below the FAQs Members Logout buttons on the right hand side).
This will then make all the circles next to the group titles normal colour. THEN when you visit again if there is a new message the circle will become red and you can go straight there. Once in the group you can open a topic and click on First unread message (top right hand side) and go straight to first unread message! Easy huh!!
Any probs please ask again!
Bad days.....duvet and telly. It is good not to ignore bad days, I loved it when I was told to really get blue on a down day, don't try and hide it, wallow in it, because then you let it all out and feel better and want to do something else or move on the next day or two. How are you dealing with it?
Hi katiegargar
The poor little fella, he is so upset, and he certainly does need his dad to sit down with him and explain things again, (100 more times if necessary). It is a lot for an adult to take in, let alone a child! Your son has questions like you say, and if you can answer them, then why does the ex brush them aside? Could he be feeling guilty?
Just keep reassuring your son, as you are doing. In time, he will settle down more.
I have never been in your position, my son's father never lived with us, or even saw his son til he was 5, (and only twice since then). My son used to, (and occassionally) still asks all sorts of questions about why his father didn't live here etc etc. That was hard enough, so I can't imagine what you are going through.
How are you doing with the chocs????
Take care, and one day at a time, you're doing really well at the moment.
Sending hugs your way
Alison
x :)
Hi katiegargar
Ditto everything alisoncam just said! You have to find your way of dealing with your son's enquiries as it sounds as though your ex may be a little preoccupied.
Perhaps you can say to your son, I can see that you are feeling very hurt/sad/upset by daddy not being here, lets go and watch Thomas the Tank Engine....make a fruit salad.......get your dinosaurs out.
I think there could be such a mix of emotions for him and if you can nip it in the bud whenever he raises questions, he will understand that you have heard him and acknowledged his discomfort and then be ready to play. At his age I find they are quite easily distracted, so as much as I imagine you want to explain EVERYTHING to him so that he has a clear view of it and can move it. Just keep reassuring him and then change the subject. He will learn what is going on, and you don't have the answers for your ex. Your boy just needs to know that you are there and not going anywhere and I love it that you tell him twice as much. Just try not to dwell on it for too long, or let him dwell on it for too long. In a couple of years time this will all be in the past! :)
How are you doing??
Hi shortie
Some absent parents don't regret it I have to say. My son's sperm doner doesn't regret it for a minute. He also has an 8 year old daughter that he hasn't seen, and doesn't regret that either. He has had enough opportunity, but just isn't interested or remotely bothered to be honest.
I do hope all other absent parents will regret missing out on their children, but not all do I'm afraid, and that is just a hard fact of life.
How's the packing going??? 8-)
Take care
Alison
x :)
hello katiegargar
I have said hello to you on the other thread and now find this one! I have been on hols for a few days so just ctahcing up
I agree with Anna that distraction is the key, and whilst it is great ti acknowledge his feelings, there is no need to go into it in great depth as you would with an older child.
Yes, dad needs to take more interest but one of the most important lessons I have learned in life is we can't make anyone do anything
One way to help would be to "normalise" the situation. Are there any other children he knows that have a lone parent? You could mention them.There are a couple of good books as well: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Two-Homes-Claire-Masurel/dp/0744589258/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263277312&sr=1-1 and http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dinosaurs-Divorce-Guide-Changing-Families/dp/0316109967/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b
Hi katiegargar
There's no answer to that one really. I just feel that you suddenly get to the point where you look back and realise that things are that bit easier to deal with.
I found the hard bit was The Git (my ex) choosing to do what he wanted ahead of having an interest in the children, where as I had to deal with the fall out.
I try to have random madness during the day with mainly me singing - badly (deliberately, of course :shock: ) and dancing around the kitchen as much as wonky legs allow me to.
The people here are brilliant, and hopefully we can offer you some support and some laughter.