Hi
Congratulations from me too.
Personally, I feel that crossing each bridge as you come to it is the way forward. There is time for things to be sorted before the baby is born. It would be sometime to before you would need to consider contact alone, by which time it may be possible to see how he will be with the child.
Hello again mcduff 2622
It sounds as if there are lots of different strands to this situation but the simplest way to look at it is to consider only the safety and well-being of the children and to keep only that in mind, no matter what the emotional dynamics between you and the father. You have had a letter from Social Services about being in a relationship with him, and you have stated that you are not going to do this.
AS for the families, it sounds from the messages you originally posted as if both families are fairly obstructive, in which case you could rise above this and just do what you think is best for your children.
Stay strong :)
Dear mcduff2622
I have been where you are and from what I have read, this most certainly is domestic abuse, his whole way of being is about controlling you and his child....I did not read the text messages, but i can imagine what they were like.
I understand you telling him about the baby, you want things to be smooth and all ok. I don't mean to be pessimistic but I really doubt you will get anything that YOU wish for here. If he wants to be at the birth, he will do everything he can to get there and kick up a fuss if anyone stands in his way. The same goes for access etc etc. He may a have a new girlfriend, but he will be using this situation with you to manipulate her as well as you.
Everything you say to him, you are giving him power. I know this sounds harsh, but trust me, you need to know that even though you feel you are being fair and telling him everything, from what you have said in previous posts, he will use it against you. It is completely understandable that your family are against him.
My daughter is now 15, my family had no time for her dad and although I used to hate them for it, now I think if my daughter was in the same position (I would deal with it differently) but I would have absolutely nothing to do with anyone who laid their hands on her.
I have so much I could say to you mcduff2622, obviously your post has touched a chord with me! Please go back to Womens Aid, the refuge staff and get someone to work through this with you.
Find out about a Freedom Programme running near you (a course for women who have survived DV) as although you don't think your relationship fits the bill, it SURE does. Have a read
Also have a read of the article in our Abuse and Violence section of our Info Library: http://www.onespace.org.uk/articles/abuse-and-violence
I have just seen this article that suggests you ring NSPCC Child Protection helpline, they would be able to answer any queries you have about what the Social Services may or may not do regarding your children and your ex.
You are in a horrible place right now and you need all the support you can get, please go out and look for it. How is your little girl? Is she excited about your pregnancy? Are you looking after yourself? Do you have any good friends around you?
HI mcduff2622
I am wondering how you are? How life is treating you?
I think Claire-Louise made a valid point, the people in your life, whether it is your boyfriend or your family, should be asking what do YOU want. Anyone that is asking that is a goodun and you should put some faith in them to help you through this.
Have you had your 5 month scan? Was it lovely hearing the heart beat, do you know what sex the baby is, or is it too early to tell?
Oh my! Do they video scans now? In my day it was just a black and white picture that you had to pay a fiver for! :)
:lol: :lol: :lol:
I was in the Xray department last week and there was a notice up saying that DVDs of baby scans could be purchased. I forget the cost, think it was about a tenner.
Talking of grannies, lindsaygii, I am guessing you have had no reply to your letter to paternal granny?
Well firstly welcome to One Space and many congratulations on your pregnancy!
What's done is done, and there is little point in wondering whether you should have told the baby's father. There are two issues here: social services and future involvement. On the first issue, have you had any contact with social services? If you tell the midwife then she will update social services and they may then come and visit you and do their own assessment and your child may be put on the at risk register, though there would be a case conference first. Children are only taken away when they are in danger or being neglected. If you are the caregiver then you can show them you will not expose them to that. That may well mean that the father does not have the child unsupervised, if that is social services' assessment.
Apart from these safety issues, there is no reason why he cannot attend scans etc as long as you are comfortable with that. I understand why your family feel as they do but the fact remains that your baby has a right to know his/her father and as long as the child is safe then the very best thing for the child would be if the two families would co-operate. Hopefully their love for their grandchild will be greater than their hatred of its father. But try not to worry about it just yet; once the baby arrives things can seem very different to all concerned.
There is lots of support here so do keep posting