At first we had the standard every other weekend (Friday 6pm - Sunday 7pm on a school night as youngest was 5 then, 8pm when there was no school) I would take them to his on a Tuesday after I'd been to his dad and step-mum's for tea. He'd also bring the older two home from Scouts on a Thursday.
I got to the point where I had to withdraw Sunday contact from the children's father. By doing that I insisted he had them for tea on a Saturday where they didn't stay overnight, as I felt the children shouldn't have lost out on contact with him. The children loved it this way. Disruptive to "my" weekend with them, yes, but I felt it was the right thing to do. It didn't last long as their father wanted to have the time for himself.
I left, as we had to sell the family home to pay off ex's debts, so I can't really help about him coming in. I think it must be difficult when it is the family home. I know I was calling into the family home, and would walk in (had the key, ex at work), as there was cleaning and stuff to sort for the purchasers, so there was no choice. I've never set foot in any of ex's houses. After an incident here (I now have a housing association house) he is no longer welcome - which was incredibly hard on the children as they wanted him to come in to show him things.
That was the point of anything amicable ending with me too.
It is a no win situation, sadly.
Do you think mediation would help? You could both put your reasons forward then.
I do appreciate how hard it is.
Hi
The first Christmas we were apart, I invited the ex over from 6am, as I didn't see why he should miss out.
He came at 9am, and stayed until 3pm.
The second Christmas he came at about 11am until 3pm.
If things had stayed amicable, then I think that would have continued. (It meant I spent the day cooking the turkey dinner which I bought and then washing dishes though, as he just played with the children.)
Hi Digby
It must feel strange that your ex is now paying a lot more attention to your son. Maybe he has realised how important it is for him to be in his son's life, or maybe his life is feeling rather empty at the moment and he is needing to fill it. Either way it must be weird for you :?
That is a great little titbit from hetty, thanks hetty, I hope that you feel able to state to him that you would like him to knock in future, it is your personal space now.
As for Christmas, I think that you should decide for yourself what you feel you need/want on Christmas day, you seem like you are considerate of your partners needs and your sons, but I think as single parents we often forget to state and stand up for our own needs.
Hello Digby
Firstly don't forget all this is fairly new to both of you, there are bound to be loads of conflicting feelings around. Obviously it is much better for you two to arrange parenting time between you but I will tell you what the "standard" response of a Family Court might be. Not that I think you should go to court, but just to let you know what "the system" thinks is reasonable. The pattern I have often seen imposed is for the other parent to have the child alternate weekends (from Friday evening to Sunday evening) and one evening a week, probably not overnight but certainly until bedtime.
What wasn't clear from your post is when it is dad's weekend whether your son comes home Saturday evening or Sunday evening. If Saturday evening it could be argued that you still get every Sunday with your son and so it might be quite reasonable for Dad to want a short time on the "other " weekend. I do think you need to reserve the right to have this flexible though as, for example, what if you wanted to go away for the weekend?
I also think there is a lot of emotional upset involved here: I know how hard it is to hand your child over to someone else, even the other parent. I remember the first Christmas after my separation, my kids went to their dad straight after breakfast and I was alone for the day, I dont think I will ever forget it. I guess it is all part of the separation process and the heartbreak that can accompany it :cry:
re the house: my instinct would be to keep the door locked with the key inside if neccessary so that he HAS to knock. However...a word of caution, is he still paying the mortgage direct (as opposed to child support?) If so, it could be a red rag to a bull :x to be locked out of a house he still "owns", though it might be better to remedy this as soon as possible! You are entitled to your own space.
Take care
Louise :)