Hi Eeyore
I guess as the whole thing has come totally out of the blue, and there weren't any rows or anything, then it's hit everyone really hard. You're doing the right things, and I'm sure given some more time, your daughter will be ok. This is her way of handling things, bless her. I think kids adapt to things much easier and quicker than us adults.
Alison
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Hi Eeyore73
Loads of hugs coming your way. I had a lot of anger from my lot when their father started cancelling contact time, but not the violence...
My son had the help of an NSPCC counsellor at the school which helped him a lot. He could talk things through and knew it wouldn't get back to me or his father.
He was 15 at the time.
Have you spoken to the school about how affected she's been? They may be able to offer additional help and maybe go and see her rather than leaving her alone.
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this on top of all the heartache.
Hello Eeyore73
It might help (a bit!) to know that her anger and violence are because she is is sad and afraid. Most of all, she is scared that you will go too, so she constantly tests you out by behaving badly to see if you will still love her and she wants attention all the time to reassure herself. This is absolutely exhausting for you as you have your own processes to go through and yet have to be this Superwoman for her.
I know she has some support but it sounds like something more formal would be helpful. Get in touch with your local Relate, who offer a service for young people, find them here www.relate.org.uk/Find-Your-Nearest-Service/index.html
As for what you can do at home, wait till she is calm and then say to her that you understand she is angry but that to lash out at other people is not the answer. Ask her what else she could do to vent her anger? Inanimate objects are good (punching a cushion, kicking an outside wall) but explain that any damage to the house will be her responsibility and so you want to help her express her feelings SAFELY.
Hi Eeyore73
It sounds really tough and I bet her behaviour is breaking your heart.
She is obviously going through all sorts of emotions at the moment, but ultimately she is being disrespectful towards you and that is not on.
Have a look at this link from Parentline Plus: http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk/default.aspx?page=viewtip&module=tips-view&id=10 there are some good tips there. They also have a telephone helpline you could use to get direct information.
I wonder if you could have a family discussion around the table when things are calm and talk about boundaries and new rules now the household has changed. You mentioned that you need to control her when she loses her temper, but she needs to learn to control her own behaviour.
I wonder if you have considered a parenting programme? I am not saying that you are a bad parent, far from it as you are looking for answers, but doing a parenting programme can be confidence building for you and ongoing support whilst you get through this patch.
Thanks, yummymummy, some wise words there!
Glad things are improving, Eeyore 73. Interesting how you have found an extra way of communicating ie the letter-writing. When my eldest was 13, he was sooooooo uncommunicative that I sometimes sent him emails...and he REPLIED, lol.
The praise is a great idea!
You will all get through this together. Glad that you have neighbours' support too.
Hi Eeyore73
How are things? It sounds as though you have had a bit of a break through, it is so important that our children know and trust that they can talk to us and say whatever they are feeling.
Keep it up and going strong. Our relationships with our children change after a break up. You will get through this and your relationship will grow. :)
How has you rdaughter been this week?
Hats off to you, Eeyore73, when you already have so much to deal with, to cope with your daughter's anger this way sounds a really fab idea. Although you and your daughter being similar can cause problems in some respects, on the other hand it enables you to understand her more deeply.
Hi Eeyore73
Thats brilliant that you recognise that you are similar, therefore maybe that is why you clash sometimes.
It would be good to share that with her,perhaps share a time when you have felt the same, whether from your childhood or just recently.
It'll be great to go to your parents, hopefully this means you can get a bit of a break, good for the children too.
It will feel like a bit of normality for them. Do they get on well with their grandparents?
Oh Cheshire is lovely, try and get out for walks, at least when you are outside the children can run on ahead or behind!!
I wonder if your mum can tell your daughter about some of the tantrums that you used to have when you were younger!!
I hope you have a lovely time, please let us know how it went.
Hi Eeyore73
It sounds like your children must have had a whale of a time!
I am glad that you managed to ignore parenting digs, good for you! Its our way or no way. I used to really like it when my friends would tell me what they thought I was doing wrong, sometimes I would listen to what they had to say, but mostly I would mull it over and come to the realisation that I was right my way after all!!
Hello Eeyore73
It's good for you to stick to your guns and parent in your own way. Many of us choose to keep some values from our parents and reject others. Some people even decide to do the exact opposite to their parents!
I really feel for your son. I don't know if it helps but having worked with separated and separating families for many years now, his anger is totally normal and understandable. Have you said to him that it is Ok to carry on loving his dad? sometimes children can get mixed messages so we tell them it is Ok but the show them by our behaviour what we really feel. I do understand cos I have been there myself.
Here's a link to an article we have about this: /parenting-alone/giving-your-child-permission-love-other-parent
Also you might find this helpful: http://www.separatedfamilies.info/families-1/about-your-children/how-will-my-children-feel/
Bless him, Eeyore 73, it is so confusing for them sometimes.
Yes it would be great if we had a magic wand but we don't. You said about brushing up your parenting skills, I was wondering if instead of that, it could just be a case of keeping the boundaries to try to rebuild his security. Sometimes, being too relaxed can make them feel a bit unsafe, I am just speaking from experience as this is what I did myself. Once I became The Enforcer once more then they knew where they were and felt safer. Easier said than done when you're all over the place emotionally though, isn't it?
That is so true Louise, when we are struggling emotionally, we let things slide and children need/want boundaries.
Eeyore 73 - I am glad that your son recognises that his dad was wrong to do what he did, but I wonder if you can support your son by saying how hard it must have been for daddy to do what was soo right for him at the time? As although he hads let the family down, he strove for his own happiness (aside for the fact she seems to have cooled down and he may have made a major mistake). Daddy did what he thought was right.
Of course this job is always left down to us, we have to be diplomatic for the sake of our children. How are your anger levels towards your ex at the moment?
It probably will eventually, Eeyore 73. At the beginning there is shock and disbelief and then sadness and then the whole business of getting on with real life and seeing to the kids.
Sadly we cannot make someone else do something and although I agree that it would help for him to talk with them, he won't if he doesn't want to.
How are the children doing in general at the moment?
Hi Eeyore73, it must have been so strange when he turned around and said he couldn't come home, especially as the children mentioned that there was no arguing or animosity between you.
It is amazing how wise and logical our children can be especially when we can feel so out of control.
As Louise says you can't make your ex do anything, hopefully one day he will talk to them on a level, if he doesn't it will be his loss. I personally found that there was only so much 'covering' I could do. We have to let our children see their other parent for who they are, although we instinctively want to fix their pain or distress, they have to re-find their own relationship with their father now the situation is different. Otherwise we emotionally exhaust ourselves.
I don't know if you sound like a screamy shouty person, so maybe that will never come, but time and circumstances change us, so who knows how you will feel towards him in the future. Hopefully as you grow in your new ways, you will make more sense of your feelings towards him, have we discussed counselling?
Hello Eeyore73
It sounds to me as if you are doing a fantastic job and, as I have said before, it is not easy when you are going through all you own emotional processes. Just keep the boundaries firm and that will really help,
When Anna mentioned counselling I think she was meaning that it may help YOU a great deal if you saw one, in sorting out your feelings and the "new you", rather than involving him in the discussions. There is something about you having to let go the responsibility you have had for him all these years which will be a new way of behaving for you and maybe some support with that would help?
Spot on Louise! Yes Eeyore 73 I was wondering about you. It is not because I think you are weak or unable to handle the situation, more of somewhere where you can sort out your feelings and emotions and see how to move forward.
I found it fabulous to have someone all to myself for an hour where I could just talk about me!!! I found it very beneficial for sorting/clearing my head and seeing things clearly.
What do you think?
Hi Eeyore
I've never had to deal with anything like this, but understandably your daughter is very angry and hurt at the moment. Have you sat her down and told her that it isn't just her that is hurting, that you and your son are too. Perhaps if you've been putting on a 'brave' face for the children, then she isn't actually seeing your emotions. It won't her to see you break down either!
I guess you just have to keep reassuring her that none of the break up is her fault, that both you and her father love her very much, and that YOU'RE not going anywhere.
Others will be along later. Take care
Alison
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