Communication issues
It seems that the most common difficulty that people have with teenagers is around communication during that period of time when they can often become moody and unco-operative.
What has been your experience of communication with teenagers?
Do you think that 'teenage' behaviour is starting earlier in young people?
How have you coped with a moody teenager and do you have any tips for others?
If you have more than one child/teenager, has the experience been different? Has it got easier with the next ones?
How have you managed your own anxieties about their behaviour?
Hi Jude
What you say is so true, making sure our kids know that we love them is really important, particularly when they are teenagers and are severely testing us! And yes, of course, it is so helpful to remember that it doesn't last forever. Many of us here on One Space I'm sure were not model teenagers, but we've grown up into (mostly!) responsible and self-sufficent adults. It's often hard in the midst of difficult times to see any end to it all, and even worse, that things are just going to get worse and worse and our children are going to end up badly scarred, delinquents or dead. But statistically that just isn't the case, most young people come through teenage years and move on safely into adulthood.
In terms of feeling guilt about things, I think it is safe to say that you are not alone there! :) There is so much as parents, particularly as single parents, to feel guilty about and I think teenage years are where we can often feel that the things we feel bad about are linked directly to their behaviour. However, we only have to look at ourselves and the things we have done to know that what motivates us to do the things we do and make the choices we make are incredibly complex. We are all doing the best we can at any one time with the knowledge and experience we have - and that goes for our children and young people as well.
It sounds to me like you're doing a fantastic job with your two and thanks for sharing.
Lin
Hiya
I always thought i was good at controlling and discipling my child, but as she's got older, i feel less like a mum. When she was small i was always shouting at her and loosing my rag (my poor baby) times were hard and my emotions were all over the place trying to deal with ex. But one day i heard myself really ranting on and she looked so small and helpless, i realised i had to change. That was years ago, but what i am beginning to notice now is that i never shout, or lose my rag, i find that i can't raise my voice at her, this doesn't mean that she gets away with stuff, she's pretty damned good on the whole, but it does mean that i can't release my frustrations, a friend said to me recently that i am easy on her, i think what they meant actually is that i am really patient, they want me to jump about and scream blue murder. When anyone does shout around her she gets really upset, the thing is tho', I am not expressing myself properly, she's not learning how to deal with other peoples temper and sometimes it feels a bit rubbish.
I know its good not to holler and scream at people, but it is normal to, isn't it? When i was a kid we weren't allowed to show anger, temper etc, so now having real issues with it, maybe that is how i ended up being victimised by an abusive *******.
Hi wiseowl
I think what you have described here about the situation with your daughter is very interesting. I would be interested to know why you say you 'feel less like a mum'?
I don't think there is any such thing as 'normal' and certainly it is not right or wrong to raise your voice or show anger to children. I think there are two things to bear in mind.
Firstly, it is important is to be honest in your communication and express clearly how you feel to your children - whether that means raising your voice or remaining calm. If they see that it is ok to express how they feel then they are more likely to be able to do that themselves and this will help them to foster healthy relationships in their lives. It is by experiencing honest communication that children learn to deal effectively with their own and other people's, sometimes erratic, emotions.
Secondly, if we feel we need to shout or get cross then it helps to try to remember (not always easy in the heat of the moment!) to remain respectful - what I mean by that is not letting anger, temper etc lead you to saying or doing things that are hurtful or not relevant to the issue. Often it is not the anger itself that upsets children but what is said or done as a result of it. It comes back to that age-old adage: criticise the behaviour, not the child. I know well enough though that this is easier said than done, and often we end up having said things we know weren't the best thngs to say. When that happens, the best thing is always to have the humility to apologise and talk to your child about it and why it happened - by doing this you show your child you are human and will be teaching them vital lessons in communicating in their own relationships.
Punching a few pillows could help with your own frustrations - it's a bit of cliche.....but it works!!
Lin
Yeah, Lin - I agree about the respect thing. I went through a phase when I lost my rag more with my kids than I do now (I think I was having bad PMT issues just after having had a Mirena coil installed!) but I always apologised if I felt I'd been out of order because a) it showed concern for their feeling but also b) it modelled the behaviour that apologising afterwards is the grown up thing to do! Fi x
You've hit the nail on the head Fi! Apologising is the grown-up thing to do. And to me that's exactly why men find it so hard!!! (Sorry to all you single parent guys - I'm sure you're all lovely ;) - just speaking from my experience). I mean I'm no angel, and don't always get it right but yes, I do try to apologise. But the men who have come through mine and my son's life just don't seem to get it - apologising is like backing down, admitting they're wrong, mean they'd lose their power......or some such thing. "Don't see why I should apologise first" I've heard many times. So I've now decided I just want to stick to having the one child in my life..........so no men for me for the time being!!!! :shock:
Hi there
I communicate with my kids brilliantly - I just shout loudly!! :lol: Just joking!! Although I have been known to lose my rag - particularly with my 14 yr old son when he starts making demands on me having ignored doing everything I've asked of him.
My daughter (17) and I get on a lot better now than we did during the earlier part of her teenage years. She was very angry with me for splitting up with her dad and starting a new relationship, also she used to get very hormonal and would just have periods where she was so volatile you didn't dare speak to her. She also went through a phase of going out with a gang of kids who were drinking and then she would be very aggressive, angry and moody. So all in all it was difficult a lot of the time.
I think the main thing I have always tried to do is to tell both of them often, every day really, that I love them. In fact it's probably the only thing I have consistently done. Even when my daughter was lashing out at me or climbing out of the window with me trying to restrain her (!) I would still tell her I loved her regardless of anything she did. I like to think it was this that helped her come through her bad time more quickly than she might otherwise have done - of course, I've got no evidence of that, just a feeling really.
I guess the only other thing I've done consistently is remind myself that, in the words of some wise person or other, 'this too will pass'!
My son has only recently started getting less communicative - later than my daughter - but I do find it easier to communicate with him generally than I do with her - but I do feel really guilty and disloyal for saying that, especially as I always thought I'd be closest, have more in common with my daughter. Oooh, but get on to guilt and I'll be here all night......back to what I said above about splitting up with her dad and my subsequent relationship - is it all my fault.....
Not going to go there just now as it's time to go.......
Jude :)