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Dealing With Rudeness!!!

hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Has anyone got any tips on dealing with rudeness and attitude issues? My son is 7 and it is now really getting me down. He has a ruddy answer for everything, and is backchatting me. I send him to his bedroom, take favourite things away, but still it carries on. My friend spoke to him yesterday, as she heard it for herself, but last night I had more of the same!

Posted on: July 4, 2010 - 8:38am
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

I'm getting this of the 11-year old.  I tell him he's very rude and not to speak to me that way.  I'm ignoring him when he carries on.  When he's nice then I take notice of him.

It is sort of working...

I hope it is "just" a phase for you.

xx

 

C - STOP BEING RUDE TO YOUR MUM!!

Posted on: July 4, 2010 - 12:19pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello alisoncam

have a look at the suggestions I have put in reply to your post in the Evening Chat section.

Posted on: July 4, 2010 - 12:51pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Thats a good tip Sparkling, ignoring it. I have tried that before, but it is difficult isn't it? I've looked in the evening chat section Louise, thankyou for your tips too. We've had a few setbacks again this morning. I rang my sister, in front of C, so that he could hear. Told her that unless there is an improvement then we won't be visiting her at weekend. I chatted to him later, and made a big point of telling him that when children start these things off, and it isn't stopped by the parents, then the child thinks they can carry it on until they reach teenage years, and then there are all sorts of trouble ahead for the child. He seemed to take it all in, and touch wood, he has been as good as gold, but then that was only an few hours ago!!!!

I hope your 11year old is only going through a phase too Sparkling. I find this is the most difficult part of being on your own, nobody else to really step in.

Posted on: July 4, 2010 - 1:28pm
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

I agree.  It is hard on your own, in that you can't ever be sure it's the right way to do things (good or bad!!).

At the moment, I'm finding it all tiring. 

Posted on: July 4, 2010 - 6:40pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

I really hope you're ok Sparkling. It is very tiring, and I've only the one to deal with!!!

Take lots of care

Alison

x

Posted on: July 4, 2010 - 8:18pm
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Bubblegum
DoppleMe

I have something of the same with my seven year old soon to be eight son. Sometimes I snap, froth at the mouth and start leaping up and down but generally I do what sparklinglime mentions above. In all fairness to him he's just copying my sometimes cutting sarcasm, he just hasn't learnt when it's appropriate and when it's not, which is probably when it's directed at me and one of us is in a mood.

But I'm not going to admit to that : )

Posted on: July 4, 2010 - 9:26pm
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

14 year old has just stormed out of the house for school, and I have to trust he'll go there.  My 11 year old has a clinic appointment at the hospital, so I won't really know if he doesn't.

I've spoken to my friend at the school and she assures me there are 70 still there in year 9.  Just four in his class though, my son assures me.

I've told him if it's too bad I will speak to the SENCO.  Watching him walk away looking so dejected has left me in tears.  His emotions are so extreme and his face can speak volumes.  When he's happily surprised by something his face is like a 100-watt bulb.

Two weeks to go.  Surely I can get through the  next two weeks.

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 8:44am
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Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi there

I think we always punish ourselves far more harshly than 2 parent households, we feel/know, 'on our own heads be it'.  We have a very different relationship with our children and I believe a lot more aware of every little detail as we don't want them to grow up disfunctional deliquents as the media has told us time and time again.

However, rudeness does need to be dealt with, the earlier the better, for them to learn our boundaries of what we will not tolerate and for our own sakes too!

Ignore and praise is a great tool as is 'First....Then', but we have to stick to it.

One thing I regret with my daughter, is making up too soon.  I hated unhappiness in my home, so was too quick to get everything back on a good level.  I think our children need to know when we are not happy with them and it is for them to come to us to make up and behave properly, rather than for us to check that they are ok.  That has been my wrongdoing over the years, so am not saying others do it, just something to mull over.

sparklinglime, I hope your son is feeling better when he comes home, I think we have mentioned it before, but it can create such a sad day for us when they are blue when they leave for school, however they come home in such a different mood and we wonder why we were so worried!

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 12:25pm
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Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I have copied your post Louise from the Evening Chat as it might be useful to others!

Louise wrote:

"Hello alisoncam

Sounds like you had a bit of a night of it all round. It's so frustrating!

You're right, praise is something they seem to thrive on and you do a lot of this already. I have been thinking about some suggestions to help you. The first thing I am going to say is based on how I know I have been with my own boys. When they were cheeky, I used to feel more and more annoyed and want to up the stakes and shout. I found that staying really, really calm was the key to success. Easier said than done!

I suppose it is quite hard for C to judge what you might deem cheeky and what you don't. How about a star/sticker chart at home and he wins a sticker if he behaves in a respectful manner? Maybe you need different sections of the day, before school abd after school on weekdays and morning, afternoon and evening at weekends. You could think of a reward that he could have after a number of stickers.

It's also about the terminology. Instead of "cheeky", you could say "respectful" or "disrespectful".

If you don't like star charts or even alongside it, you could use the "First/then" method. This means that instead of saying "Don't be rude", you do not reply to what has actually been said, you say "First I need you to speak in a respectful way, THEN I can listen to what you're saying". Repeat in a calm voice as often as it takes (which will be a lot of time at first and then much less as this new ground rule is established)."

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 12:29pm
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

I always find the word disappointed with them works better than cross (which I know you use with C).

I use with the Scouts, and their faces are pictures.  You can see that it does seem to have more of an effect.

 

Anna, I know I make up too soon with this lot too.  I used to have such stronger boundaries when they were younger...

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 12:53pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi Anna, that is exactly how it is here, me making up too soon. However Saturday night and last night, I wasn't too quick to do this! 7 year old was sent to bed with a very angry Mum, ready to cry at the drop of a hat! So frustrating, but all was well again this morning, he went to school happy, and I left him happy, looking forward to a quieter day! Thing that gets me, is when they think they have to have the last word. Oh heavens, that is sooooo maddening, but I won't back down. We'd had such a lovely afternoon, with cake baking etc, and it really was heaven. Can't always be a bed of roses I guess!!!

Sparkling, I hope your youngest gets on ok at the hospital, also your 14 year old. I'm sure you were worried sick about whether or not he did indeed get to school. Hope all is quiet on the western front for you later. :)

Going to school earlier today. Its an afternoon of viewing the work. Won't take long, as I've seen most of the work at Parent mornings, so hopefully be home by 3!!!

Told the Head this morning that C won't be at school as we're going away for the weekend. That was fine, so still depending on his behaviour determines whether or not it'll happen.

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 1:16pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi Bubblegum, I so agree with you. My son is doing the copying thing too. I yell at C 'don't answer me back', he replies, 'if I don't answer you back, then you tell me I'm ignoring you'. He hasn't quite got the understanding of backchatting and answering me back, when I want a decent reply. Does that make sense? Or perhaps, he does understand and is trying to pull the wool over my eyes!!!!

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 1:21pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I think the boundaries are harder to keep when you are parenting alone, there is no-one there as a back-up, no-one on "your team". However it is worth sticking to your guns and not making up tooooo soon, as Anna suggests.

One thing that I have found helpful as well is to remember that if I shout then it is likely they will shout back as well as being disrespectful. The answering-back thing that C does, alisoncam, you could look at him reproachfully and say quietly "you are answering me back again. FIRST you must speak to me respectfully and THEN I will listen to you"....but of course we have to be respectful to them too. I certainly fell foul of this with my youngest boy so maybe my experiences can help others. If I shouted, he would say "why on earth should I be respectful when you are shouting at me?"

Sparkling lime it is extra hard with a child with special needs as his emotions are more extreme. I know you worry about him and it is about staying as strong as you can, reminding yourself it is only two weeks to go and only a few days till his friend is back in situ. Fingers crossed.

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 6:28pm
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Bubblegum
DoppleMe

Alisoncam.. I don't know what yours are like but mine are always trying to pull the wool over my eyes, the buggers. I expect they will just get better and better at it as they get older, that and twisting me round their little fingers with their, pleeeeease daddy pleeeease, but you never let us, blah de blah de blah.

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 7:28pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Oh my goodness, that is exactly what I get Bubblegum from my son. The other one is 'you've never let me..... not in my entire life'. 7 years old, and talking about his entire life hehehe

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 8:12pm
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HelenT

'disrespectful' 'respectful' and 'disappointed' are big words in our house. We have a whole house rule about respecting yourself, the family and our home which includes being rude to each other, this means that I have to try (very very hard) to model the behaviour I expect from the children. Soemtimes I am more successful at this tha others! I find it particuarly challenging with my eldest son (nearly eleven), the majority of children he goes to school with are very spoilt and privledged (my opinion) and the way they talk to thier parents in shocking!

Its really hard for my son to understand that being rude is not acceptable when his friends are so appalling to thier parents. We have talked frequently and at length about how childhood is the time for learning to function in adulthood and that adults who are rude don't get to where they want to be in life...its difficult though, how to explain to a child that life isn't fair and that his school friends will probably do alright despite thier rudness because they have thier parents money behind them!

None the less I stick to my guns on this and rudeness has consequences such as; if your rude about coming off the trampline then you have a day long ban etc. I always try to make consequences relevant and to remember that time is experienced differently by children, if I banish tv for a week by the time the week is up my seven year old won't remember why it was banned.

 I too hate sadness in my house and find it really hard not to just cuddle and make up. Anna your advice is very useful and I will try to remember it when I'm struggling with my resolve.

The worst in my experience is when they are so rude its almost funny and you have to hold in your laughter and continue to follow through with discipline.

I used to boast confidently that my children didn't lie, this was until I caught one of them out in a whopper! How does everyone else manage lying?

HelenT

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 10:09pm
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

The lie I really enjoyed proving I knew was when my eldest was about 4.  There was crayon on the wall.  He'd never drawn on the walls before.

He assured me it wasn't him, but his two year old sister.  I took them both to the wall and showed him how high his sister could reach. 

I then asked who had drawn on the wall.

"me" said this little voice - my son's voice.

When they are truthful, I do not get angry.  When I find out, I'm afraid I do tend to blow up.

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 10:19pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I like that story, sparkling lime:-)

Don't know about the lying thing, I do try and make it out to be the most heinous of crimes....and the "disappointed" thing kicks in there, too. I would defintely punish a lie if I discovered it, though.

What does everyone else think?

Posted on: July 6, 2010 - 8:07am
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

My son has started telling lies, and I don't get care whether they are small ones or whoppers. From an early age I always told him that it was far better to tell the truth than to be caught out in a lie. I've told the story of the 'boy that cried wolf' endless times and Pinnochio. The other day I said that I could probably sit on his nose, and slide all the way to school!!!!

Does anyone have a magic wand I could borrow???

Posted on: July 6, 2010 - 1:18pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I have lent mine out at the moment....

My 15 year old just went past and so I asked him what he would suggest for lies and he said that he thought removal of things he likes to do is a good idea, I know you have already thought of this. However, one thing he did say is that as he is only seven, he (my son) would give him an extra chance and when you are told something that is clearly not true, say "I am giving you an extra chance here to tell me the truth because if you are lying then X will happen" I don't know if this teenage perspective is useful to you at all?

From my own point of view, I would be a bit sneaky and wait till there is a lie you can use to your advantage, such as if he tells you someone has done something and although you know it is not true, pretend you are taking drastic action about it (a drastic action he would not like) and when he asks you not to, act the innocent and say "But darling, you told me X" I used this on 15-year old when he got a detention and said it wasn't his fault and his teacher "hated" him and victimised him. I knew this was not true, but pretended great outrage and said I was going straight to the school and getting the newspapers involved as well as it was against the law. He was horrified and backed down heh heh.

Posted on: July 6, 2010 - 2:34pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Your lad is very clever Louise. Tell him thankyou for his input, and I will certainly follow his lead. :) I've been chuckling over your tale of the teacher and the newspaper. I'd love to have seen your 15 year old's face at the time. Good one, I shall remember that for a later date. We mothers are very cunning aren't we?

Posted on: July 6, 2010 - 2:48pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

We have to be one step ahead all the time, in my view :-) Sometimes it feels like being in a detective novel!

Hope you get a more peaceful day today.

Posted on: July 7, 2010 - 7:33am
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