Hello mousie, good to see you posting ;)
I am so sad to hear that you are going through this :cry: My heart goes out to you. It is early days and many will tell you that time is a great healer. It is, but heck, that's not in your radar right now so don't expect it to happen quickly. It is a bit like a bereavement (in fact I have heard many people expess the opinion that they thought it was worse)-certainly a loss of your hopes and dreams. Many of us parents get the strongest of feelings when we think about how the other parent has let our beautiful child or children down. Your daughter does not deserve that! It's wonderful that she still has her fab mother, though :)
The eventual aim is "indifference" ie when you eventually stop loving/ hating him. This may take a very, very long time and for some people it never happens at all. As a parent you may know that you need to stay strong for your daughter and make things safe for her and some days it will take every ounce of strength you possess.
I would like to recommend a book to you: "Putting Children First" by Karen and Nick Woodall, available online from amazon. The first half of the book deals with the implications of the end of your relationship and is very helpful to guide you through your maze of feelings and emotions. Personally I also found Paul McKenna's book "I can heal your broken heart" very useful when I was struggling after the end of a very turbulent relationship......but I did not have children with that guy and I think it is much harder when you need to maintain some channel of communication because of a child.
It is your daughter and her welfare that are paramount but that does not mean that you are not important. It is vital to think about ways you can take care of you in all this. Would a counsellor help? Can you get some "you" time for a pastime or some relaxation? Lean on family and friends as much as you need to and there is always support here for you on these boards. Just take one day at a time, and in the evening of each day, try thinking of one positive thing that has happened that day....even if it is as small as "I got chatting to that lady on the bus" or "We had some lovely fish and chips for tea today". When you wake, I know that the sorrow and hurt and anger can hit you like a ton of bricks, so have another trick up your sleeve and pick out a positive thought for the day ahead:
again it might be small, such as "The sun is shining" or "I am not looking forward to what has to happen today, so I will look forward to teatime when it will all be over" In this way you will get through these difficult early days.
Take care of you and your lovely daughter
Louise :)
Oh that's hard, mousie, to have lost your Internet access on top of all the stresses you are going through :( I agree the weekends are the hardest time. Some people say Sundays but for me it was always Friday evenings when I saw people rushing back to their houses on my street and all glad to be home for the wekekend and planning things.
Yes, you had better practise with the tent in the garden! ;)
Hi mousie
I'm sorry he's taken the laptop - I would be lost without the internet.
Good luck with the tent!
Sending you both loads of hugs.
happy birthday bubblegum
I'd say thanx but I was actualy trying to forget it's my birthday : )
my new aim is to take my beautiful daughter camping as it is something we both love..but may have to practice putting tent up first so I dont make a complete fool of myself!
Good plan, make sure the tent is ok before setting off : ) nothing worse than getting to your destination only to find you don't have enough tent pegs.
We are lucky enough to live in between some beautifull mountains and the sea and beaches : )
take care.
Hi mousie
I feel that bec gave a brilliant take on how things do change and it is about dealing with the shattering of expectations, but when you take a step back you realise, that it must be for the best and things will get better, we are the only ones on control of our life, whether we are in a relationship or not, so make the most of it anyway you can.
What are you retraining for bec?
I ended up moving three times - if you count the holiday house I rented - I was in there for 6 weeks and it was amazing the stuff I had to move at that time.
You will make your new home just that - a home for you and your son. It won't be perfect over night. Accepting help might make the diy thing a bit of a laugh.
I wish you luck and every happiness in your new home. I hope all goes well with the move.
Hi Bec
It's hard, isn't it, when the reality hits? Although you knew you would eventually be moving, actually doing it is a really big upheaval under any circumstances, but especially as it is a "final" stage in your separation. It will bring all sorts of feelings to the surface and you may mourn the end of your relationship all over again. But don't despair, it is not a backward step. After a short time, you will take a bigger step forward than you thought and you will be firmly on the road to the future. Just be gentle with yourself.
Some of the issues would happen under whatever circumstances you were moving house, such as realising what a gargantuan amount there is to pack (and unpack) Can you do a bit of a declutter at the same time? When I moved in here I did all the major stuff then unpacked one box at a time. There was a huge stack of boxes in the lounge and it gradually got smaller.....but there were three boxes I just couldnt bring myelf to unpack, honestly, they stayed there for months. In the end I thought "well I obviously have not needed this stuff for months" and threw them away :lol:
I know the feeling about everything taking twice as long when you get help, that's quite frustrating and annoying. Maybe the answer lies in what sparkling says....to make the DOING the whole point of it, rather than the gettng done. So maybe you will have to accept that it is not going to be perfect and that any improvements will take time. If you take a step back, really all you and your little one need is a place to sleep, a way of cooking food and a way to keep yourselves clean. It might even be like camping to start with! And a touch of "Girl Power"! :shock:
We will all be here for you, Bec, as you take the step into your new life
Louise
Hi Bec, we may not 'know' you, but we have all been there.
I so understand that thing of being invaded when he comes to get the last of his stuff, is it possible for all his stuff to be packed and by the front door or is he doing his own packing?
Moving house is in the top five most stressful things in adult life, so don't be hard on yourself, it is supposed to be stressful!
When I moved into my place with young toddler on my own, it was actually quite a freeing time for me, I was dreading it, but once I got the telly set up and the new kettle plugged in, I sat down and chilled out, there was no rush to unpack anything. Although to be honest I didn't have much, my ex wouldn't let me take it, ie, washing machine (which I bought), fridge freezer (which I bought), duvet & covers (which I bought) etc etc :lol: :lol:
I did a bit of what Louise said, I actually camped with brothers sleeping bag on a borrowed mattress with my little girl. To be honest I look around now 10 years later and wonder why I have SO much stuff, that really isn't necessary! I also look around and think its still not perfect as I don't have the money for a new carpet all the way up the stairs and hallways, I could do with a new cooker etc, but it is home and it is MY home and I love it and I am queen of my castle!
Have fun doing what you are doing, I wish I was helping, it gives me a sense of new beginnings. Louise is right it is a chance for a (maybe) final cry for the ending of an era. But tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life and who knows what that will bring!
As for DIY, I bought a drill, put up shelves, sanded down paint, changed plug sockets, painted and even wall papered. None of it is really that hard! I did ask a male friend to wallpaper once and he did such a bodge job, I thought if anyone is going to bodge it up its going to be me from now on! :lol:
Hello Bec I was just putting a quote on the Positive Thought for the Day thread when I saw this and I thought of you, with your new home and maybe struggling along at first. It is a quote by Aesop, I suppose the same one that wrote the Fables :)
A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety
Not that I expect you to be eating crusts (not unless you want extra-curly hair :lol: ) but you get my drift..........
That's really kind of you neighbours!
God, I remember it as if it was yesterday, and my heart goes out to you. If your son is anything like my lot, they were so excited. They were sitting in the car yelling at me to hurry up, while I just stood and stared at the house... Tears now, and it was over 5 years ago.
I wouldn't change a thing though - other than my bank balance!
Sending loads of hugs and strength your way. Have a wonderful evening with your neighbours.
Look forward to hearing how things go. If it gets too much, you could possibly log on at a library...
My very best wishes
Oh Bec, I don't envy you, those boxes seem to go on forever, don't they? I think it's a good idea to have some company today as it will help you "keep going".
We will all be thinking of you and as the others say, you can log on at a library if you want to check in.
Just remember, tomorrow is the first day of a whole new chapter. You can do it, Bec!
Hi bec, good luck with the rest of today, the clock is ticking! It will all be fine, I hope you buy yourself a treat for your first night tomorrow night. Its going to feel weird, but I am also hoping for you that it feels positive and good.
How lovely that your friends and neighbours are holding a farewell meal, how far are you moving? Will you still be able to see them?
Have a good day today, put some music on, it is a day for saying farewell to the old and welcome to the new.
It is a shame we are spread out around the country, because I think we would be at your house otherwise, helping you! :)
I hope you get online asap and let us know whats happening for you.
Take care and
Welcome to Your New Home :D
Good Luck bec, I hope the sun is shining for you and the day goes smoothly, look forward to hearing all about it!
I actually feel quite excited for you!! :)
Yes indeed, Bec, welcome to a new adventure :D (not that it will neccessarily feel like that at times!) I was very moved by your thoughts as you looked up at the sky. Moments like that need bottling, don't they? and uncorking again when we need a boost. Good luck with everything, get in touch again soon!
I'm so glad you're in your new home.
I wish you every happiness for the future there. I'm sure it will be a very happy home for you and your son.
Funny how things end up in our bedrooms - my fan is stuck on top of a tower of three boxes that are still unpacked - I know what's in them though! Maybe these summer holidays we'll get somewhere! :lol: :lol: :lol: The children assured me earlier they were game 8-)
Where would your son like to start? I'm sure he'll enjoy "helping" :shock:
Good luck, and enjoy the chaos.
Oh WOW Bec, welcome to your new home! Sy has some good info for you there and I notice he has found some flooring tips which he has put in the General Interest section.
So,,,,it's all yours and the boy's. A new start. Daunting but exciting. Could you take some pictures now so that when eventually you have things how you want then you could do a before and after?
it's great to have you back on board too, we have missed you :D
Hi bec
Welcome to your new home and welcome back to One Space!
Its lovely to see you, its also lovely hearing that you are in your new home, I feel excitement!! I moved into mine 13 years ago and I am still doing bits and pieces!
I am looking forward to going to sadsy's new post as I like to think I have become a bit of a DIY whizz! ;)
Have a look at our Family Fun section in the Info Library for things to do over the summer, I love the family capsule, if you did take pics, as Louise suggested, then you could add them and in 10 years time, you realise that you don't recognise the place!
Also keep an eye out on the Local Info group as I am hoping people will post things going on in their area, to share the information!
In reply to the thread title.. and I may have done so already, so please excuse me if I have.. but anyway.. I'm happy to report that yes it does get better, always, better and better, there are days maybe when it may seam like it Isn't, but for the most it does and you can look back at all those moments from the beginning that seamed at the time rather intense and particularly negative... and laugh, or chuckle at the very least : )
I do anyway.
I am slowly feeling able to cope now.
Paula
: ) good : )
yes, Paulasgems you have made fantastic strides, be proud of yourself! :D
It's good your daughter felt able to ask for her dad though.
My older two have mobiles - they had them far too young really so that they could speak to their father - he never answered the phone to them though. Sad. They don't often phone him now. Ex has never phoned them - even though he knew he could phone them direct on the mobiles.
He told mediators that he was scared to phone incase I answered. I was angry then though, so maybe I did come across as hostile. Heck. Can't imagine why. :roll: Then again, who knows how he perceived me back then. And who cares. :D
A lonely and bored evening! Even though a couple of friends phoned. Nice drive getting my son from work though. Evenings are closing in - I don't like that. Never have...
Paulasgems,
Sy is right, it would be good to establish some ground rules around contact. You could phone "her" if you like but you don't have to. You could ask him to make sure that she doesn't answer his phone as it upsets the children. Actually, her answering his phone at all implies insecurity on her part (in my view) .You could just suggest that you have a system where the children can text "please call me" and he has to get back to them when he can. Of course, any established system runs the risk of one of the parties not sticking to it, but maybe there could be a regular time and day eg 7pm Thursdays?
Hi mousie
Yes, it does and will get better. But heck, that's ok for me to say when I'm 5 years down the road.
Focus your energy on building a new life for yourself and your little girl. It is your daughter who will keep you breathing and taking those baby steps forward.
I still have angry moments towards my ex, but I now accept that this is how he's going to be. Accepting that he wasn't going to change and that this is how things are (it took me about three years to get to that point) have helped me calm down a lot.
I'll never forgive and I'll never forget what he's done to leave the children and me in the situation we are. But I can generally live with it now with just blips!
My confidence isn't what it used to be still. It's better, but I'm not the person I was before I got married.
Keep posting. While the board may be quiet, it does offer tremendous support.