Hi Pansy
What a horrible shock for you all and it's great that you have your daughter back with you now and she did not have to witness it. You're right: the kids will go through all sorts of emotions so just let them express their feelings. You also say that you will have to think carefully about him seeing the kids.
It is unlikely he will go to prison but he will now have a criminal record. You will have to see what happens with the GF. You only know one side of the story.
Just stay as calm as you can and defuse any high emotions from the kids. They need you to reinforce the idea that they have one parent who is still their rock. But feel free to come on here and let it all out!
How upsetting for you and the children.
I hope the cinema helped to calm things down and that things are more settled today.
So glad your children are with you, and somehow not surprised that one of your daughter's is supporting her father...
I don't know what to suggest pansy, but I'm sure there will be some brill ideas put forward.
From my view point...
Don't bother with mediation. I can't see what there is to gain when he's drinking. I think the point has come to stop contact and let him take the matter to Court. You can then give your reasons for not letting the children see him ie, they'll be in danger in his care.
Your youngest daughter. Now that she has a diagnosis surely to goodness you should have access to children specialist services? Here they're linked to social services. You should be able to phone the social services and demand some respite care for your sake and the sake of her siblings. I know how hard things can be with my son - had his review last week and talking in front of him too - so hard.
I have no idea if you can demand an emergency visit from the social services. I'm sure your GP would give support to an application for respite and help?
Change the locks. I changed mine because the keys wouldn't fit and got a new barrell from the local key cutting place. Even I managed to change it. You'll have more peace of mind too. If he calls, any hassle dial 999. Don't hesitate.
My brother told me to think of The Incredibles (sorry, but I'm sure I'm repeating myself here) where my home is my protection bubble. The Git is not welcome and knows it. As hard as it was for the children to deal with this, they had to learn to stop inviting him in too.
I honestly know what it's like not having the energy to know where to start. My heart goes out to you.
As for a peaceful life. I'm still waiting. I still have fear each time I feel I'm being assertive with him. Classic going on again this week. So, in my view point a peaceful life is possible not available for a while yet.
Hi Pansy
I hope you've had peaceful night. Firstly I would get the locks changed. To avoid trouble,, if your ex doesn't contact you, I wouldn't even bother getting in touch with him about not being able to see kids. If however he does make contact, then I guess you are going to have to tell him, but please make sure you are safe when doing so. God, he sounds like a nasty character and I know he wasn't violent or anything toward you in the past, he could well be now. You never know Pansy, so keep yourself safe, and the kids of course.
Don't feel bad about telling your daughter she'll have to go into foster care. Social services are put in place to help, and like Sparkling says, they should be able to offer respite care. I don't know how it works, but if she could go away every once in a while for a week or two, then you'd know at least you'd get respite too, along with the other children. Its extremely hard on you right now, but you're a strong woman, and you'll get through this s...
As for the BF, like you say, he has a bad week coming up and perhaps a lot more issues to deal with. Its great that you have someone, but if you're both dealing with stuff, then it might also make your 'newish' relationship a bit fraught. I hope that makes sense, and I'm not interfering honestly.
I'm sure you're going to be on tenderhooks, but try not to worry about BF. Take care, and hugs coming your way
Alison
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Hello Pansy
Some great comments there from sparkling lime and alisoncam.
I agree change the locks, as soon as possible. You can call the police if he makes trouble. Wait till he approaches you re the children. No point in stirring up a hornet's nest by making a big declaration that he can't see them, until you have to.
As for your daughter, I understand your desperation. It is affecting all the family. I do not think you can demand an emergency visit by Social Services but I do think that respite care is a distinct possibility. She would probably go to a foster family rather than a children's home and they might offer you alternate weekends for example (that's a pattern I have seen a few times). Sparkling suggests going to your GP and this is a good idea. Also, you can ask Social Services what provision there is for "children in need". By that phrase, I mean families where the child or parents have additional support needs, but it is called child in need. If accepted onto this scheme, funding is provided for school holiday activities and to give you a break.
Finally. get in touch with your local Connexions service.(See http://www.connexions-direct.com/index.cfm?go=localServices) and find out whether there are any local mentoring schemes in your area. This would match your daughter with an adult supporter. I have seen brilliant results with such schemes.
Keep posting so we can keep supporting you
Hi Pansy
I have been off for a week and just come back on board and seen your post. Poor you.
Please remind yourself not to blame yourself. You do what you think is best and I know that you think everything through thoroughly. Also remind yourself that you are in a better place than perhaps you were a couple of years ago. You are the queen of your castle and you are much more in control of your life than before.
Is there any further news? Did you change the locks? Has he been round to bother you? How are you feeling? How are the children?
Did you ever contact www.cafamily.org.uk? As I believe they offer some sort of respite? How is your middle daughter coping at the moment?
The 40th dinner seems to have been very positive with moving things forward with your daughter.
I hope your son's op will go well. It's good really that ex will be close by to offer him some support too.
Loads of hugs Pansy.
Hi Pansy
Glad to hear things have calmed down, and although it was bad, in the fact that your ex had been arrested, it wasn't as bad as what you thought, is what I'm getting at here, (in a roundabout way). Really pleased that your ex also sided with you regarding your daughter's behaviour. Its good that you had his support, and I think it's really nice that you and daughter went and celebrated his birthday together. You are very good for doing that.
There aren't many people on board at the moment, and the only crisis I'm having right now is to do with a laptop, but Bubblegum is on the ball. :)
Take care of yourself.
Alison
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Hi Pansy
Well done for all the progress you have made and I am very glad that things have calmed down. You have got a lot on your plate at the moment and it's important to look after yourself in the middle of it all.
Keep us updated and we can keep supporting you
Hi pansy, what a turnaround from your last post! It sounds as if it might do your future relationship some good, him just being around and showing the children that he cares etc.
Echoing Louise here, but remember to take care of you and try not to become reliant on his support just yet.
How is your daughter enjoying living with him close to you?
Hope things are going ok pansy.
Is ex still with his mum?
I'm so very pleased that things have worked out - even if it turns out to be for a short while. Nice sometimes to have the space to breathe...
Your poor son - loads of hugs there.
The Gits present and cards are still here. Children haven't asked to go up, and I've not offered. I've spoken to ex-step-mother-in-law this morning and she was very jolly, so I figure things haven't got back to them - that was making me feel sick too, as we're off there this evening for tea.
I won't be reminding the children again. After all, no one reminds them with me! The text should have been about having the children over for birthday cake. Perhaps I've been rather harsh on The Git. I somehow think The Gittess could have been the one blocking the contact - not that it matters now. Youngest is 11 anyway, it mattered more when he was 8.
Hope the sun is shining down on you, and things remain at least ok!
xx
Hi sparklinglime
Please do not question yourself. In your last message you said..."Perhaps I have been too harsh on the git". Um, from all that you have said, I don't think so at all, so take it back!!!
Hi pansy, sounds like you have had a bit of a break, phew! It must be such a relief your ex not drinking and behaving normally. It sounds like you are keeping strong.
Good luck with your boy at the hospital, I bet he will need lots of TLC when he comes home.
Look after yourself :)
Hi Pansy
What a nightmare, and how extremely lucky that your daughter wasn't still there. You can't beat yourself up though at the fact that she did spend time there, you needed a break for god's sake, and you truely believed that he had changed. The kids are obviously going to go through different emotions, and the first is that they don't want to see him, (perfectly understandable) Your middle daughter is protecting her dad, (also understandable).
Perhaps the GF is just as bad as your ex, temper and drink wise, and the two together finally exploded!
Has your ex got a record? If this is his first offence, then he'll probably get off with a warning wouldn't he? (don't know much about the law)!!
It's such a shame that it all had to happen on your daughter's birthday sleep over. A trip to the cinema is a good idea, and hopefully take their minds off it for a few hours.
I hope you are all ok, and enjoy the film. What did you see?
Take care
Alison
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