Hi themusogardener
Stressful times.....what you are going through is not unusual when parents are separating. Louise has given some excellent, honest information, but I especially wanted to focus on, is he doing all of this to deliberately hurt you? If this was all about him seeing his daughter, then his behaviour suggests that you are completely unreasonable. However from your post, it sounds as though you have been sensible and considerate, not only of your daughters needs, but of his as well ie: "i've also stated that i will do all the driving to enable this if we can come to an agreement"
So my point is, you need to protect yourself and recognise what he is doing, by recognising this, it can make us stronger. If you decide that his actions are no longer going to hurt you, you may find that you put on a coat of armour and prepare for battle, because going through the courts, can often feel like a battle. I think as good parents, we question our every decision, reason, motive and try and do what is best for everyone, but the gloves are off now, it sounds as if you have tried to be reasonable, but its now time to start stating what you really want, within reason (!)
You ask if you are doing this right, you can only do as your solicitor advises really and trust that they will put forward a good case and the Judge recognises the power games your daughters father is playing.
As I said earlier, going through the court system is very harrowing, so keep looking after yourself, don't let it consume you. It is great that you have the chance to have a couple of weeks off, keep trying to take little breaks, even if it is a film you've always wanted to see, or a walk in the park. You have to keep yourself sane and happy.
Keep us in the loop and let us know how things are, as I said many many parents on this website are going through, or have been similar frustrating circumstances.
I would just like to add my best wishes for all of this. What a nightmare time you're having.
I would just like to add my best wishes for all of this. What a nightmare time you're having.
Having been through courts and CAFCASS my self over the last four years ! I too would like to wish you the best.
CAFCASS seem to get a lot of bad press, but my experience of them has been nothing but fair, they do seem to have the best interests of the children at heart and I think this is where some of their bad press comes from as there is always going to be at least one side in any situation that doesn't agree with any decision they make.
The staff at the Llandudno office in North Wales do an incredible job in what is always a difficult situation.
Just thought I'd give CAFCASS a plug here : )
Glad you have had a good experience of CAFCASS, Bubblegum :) You're right: by the law of averages there will always be at least one party that does not agree with their decision. My own experience of them (working with many families) is that they tend to favour the mother unless there are fairly significant mitigating circumstances....but I think that is because a lot of the Family Court system has that inclination too. However I would love to think that each case is considered individually and I am always delighted to hear of good outcomes.
Louise
I don't think my X thinks CAFCASS are very good, in fact I know she doesn't.
It's never going to be happy all round when families break up and too often all the adults forget them selves and it becomes a war of bitterness and hate with the children as something to be won. And that is why I think CAFCASS is good as they are an independent third party who concentrate on the childrens well being.
Of course I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be saying this if CAFCASS had given my X residency : )
And yes the whole system does favour the mother as you say Louise although apparently this has been changing over the last couple of years, or so my CAFCASS officer once told me, but then maybe she was trying to make me feel better : )
I always thought that CAFCASS was an excellent idea, it focussed on the children and therefore it meant that both parents could take a step back a bit and let the professional make an informed decision.
HOWEVER, (my time to get my two pence worth in!) in my own personal experience and the experience of many of the parents I have worked with, CAFCASS is still in the dark ages when it comes to access with violent and/or abusive ex partners. They still seem to think that the child should see both parents, even if the child is scared witless, it unnerves the resident parent and the absent parent is only doing it to keep power over the family. Agghhh :evil: it makes me so MAD.
AND if you do manage to get the CAFCASS officer to hear what you and the Police are saying, that it is not a safe environment for a child to be with other parent unsupervised, they graciously arrange a contact centre and you feel relief.........HOWEVER that can only last 3 months and if said parent has behaved according to the little old ladies that 'run' those places, he then gets unsupervised access and all you can do is 'write down everything that happens in case it has to go back to Court' Our children are not pawns in a game and lets see how 'good daddy or mummy' can be, this is their lives we are talking about. :oops:
Phew....apologies, a little rant from me there. If there are any CAFCASS officers reading these posts, I would dearly like you to contact me, so we can work together and support and explain to people on this site, why certain decisions are made.
Thank you all for listening, I am off for cup of tea.
the musogardener, how is it going? Any news on what will happen next?
CAFCASS is still in the dark ages when it comes to access with violent and/or abusive ex partners. They still seem to think that the child should see both parents, even if the child is scared witless, it unnerves the resident parent and the absent parent is only doing it to keep power over the family.
This was exactly my situation, made all the worse by that fact that I was the male and it was my wife, both smaller and younger than me who was the "violent and/or abusive ex" despite her being arrested, despite family protection officers and social services, despite all this many people didn't believe me and contact was arranged. And then I had to go through all the bellow you mention...
they graciously arrange a contact centre and you feel relief.........HOWEVER that can only last 3 months and if said parent has behaved according to the little old ladies that 'run' those places, he then gets unsupervised access and all you can do is 'write down everything that happens in case it has to go back to Court' Our children are not pawns in a game and lets see how 'good daddy or mummy' can be, this is their lives we are talking about
That is more or less how I feel about contact centres, staffed by ill equipped people, all nicey nicey woolly social worker types. I had to deal with a private company whos basic motivation was to keep us on the books so to speak, so despite what bad behaviour my wife displayed, if she didn't turn up or was late, spoke inappropriately to the kids, constantly questioned them about me, despite all this their reports would always show that contact was going nicely and according to plan. The plan being that after a year it would move onto a more relaxed contact centre staffed by volunteers, thus showing how wonderful and successful their system was. I complained all the way through but still it went ahead, and then in the new contact centre it all fell apart with my wife turning up wasted late or not at all.
If I sound bitter it's because I am and just thinking about them now makes me angry, angry at their complete incompetence and the damage their incompetence has had on MY children by allowing contact to continue when it clearly shouldn't have.
Luckily for me my CAFCASS officer came round to seeing my X for who she really is, and when my wife recently said she no longer wished to see the children and then a month or so later, after I had told the children, she changed her mind, then CAFCASS said no.
Sorry for going on and sorry for hijacking, despite all this though I still think my CAFCASS officer is amazing : )
Bubblegum, that's an awful experience and especially of contact centres, the very people we need to be able to trust. Glad the CAFCASS officer came up trumps in the end. Sadly it can be a subjective matter.
the musogardener it all sounds like a flipping nightmare :shock: You seem to be covering all bases and your solicitor will help you in this. You said yourself the most important thing of all: your daughter will be fine wherever, as long as she is with you. :D
Hi the musogardener
Happy Birthday to your little girl! I hope you and she have a wonderful day, wherever you are and however you spend it!
You mention that you wrote the letter, I think that is great start to clear your head and know exactly what you think. The solicitor cut out all the irrelevent bits, so that it was only about your daughter again, that is great, so that he recognises that your relationship and his relationship with his child is two separate things. It might have given you a clearer picture too. Now you are wondering whether to send it, only you know the answer to that, whether it would help or not. What I want to ask you about though is:
i sort of want to placate and show i'm not evil or trying to take her away altogether.
I so know that feeling from my own experience, I wanted my ex to recognise that I wasn't a bad person, that I was always trying to do the best for our daughter, for him and also for myself (eventually), however 'they' just don't hear it. Some people have made up their mind and they are not prepared to accept their part in the break up. Its sad for them, because it means they won't grow and learn from the experience, they will only come away with negativity.
So what I am trying to say is, if you feel that you want to have one last shot at trying to reach his rational side, then go ahead and do it, but be prepared to be ignored or be on the other end of a "crazy reaction". But maybe you will then find peace of mind that you did everything you could before you let it go once and for all.
Hello themuso
You're right it's so damn well NOT FAIR. My blood is boiling! :evil:
Glad you have been in touch with Women's Aid. One of the hardest things to get your head round at the end of a relationship, in my opinion, is that however badly the other person has behaved, not only can we not change them but also they will never see how badly they have behaved........so in one sense we can waste our precious time and energy in trying to "convert" them. It's blummen frustrating too. You and your daughter deserve far, far better :( so make sure you get it!
best wishes
Louise
Hi themusogardener
I am SO glad you have got in touch with Womens Aid, I hope you are realising that your ex has been abusive. Its not always that obvious, but he is definitely controlling how you feel about yourself and your decisions.
I have to wonder why, if he didn't ask to see his daughter on fathers day, why you requested it? I know the answer actually, because I have been there myself, many years ago!! but why do we do it? From your posts it seems as if he is making no effort, don't try and create something that isn't there. I know you want a daddy for your little girl, but what kind of dad can he actually be? He seems to think he entitled to all this.... no one is entitled to a childs love, you have to work at it.
Sorry this soes not sound very impartial or professional, but I have been where you are and it took a long time to let go and see the situation for what it was, my daughter hasn't seen her father for 7 years, half her life, except for when he wants to send the random letter professing undying love and how the universe holds their souls together :?
Things will turn themselves around, I too was also homeless and now I have a roof over my head, my daughter is doing well and I am very proud of both of us. It is hard when you have to move away from your friends, however, you will meet new people and good friends will always be there at the end of the phone.
How are you feeling today?
i feel sad at the frustration that it must bring and deep sorrow. your pride and your sanity tested by the oppressive and violent actions of 'a woman'.
It wasn't quite like that, not for me anyway, when you are there you just get on with it and adapt without knowing, because people like that don't just suddenly turn one day it's slow and gradual and in the end you think it's maybe you, and you still love them anyway.
...the feelings of injustice in your case must have been horrendous.
Horrendous made me laugh :) Again, I don't know, I think I've learnt so much over the past few years, previously I'd had a pretty happy care free life and never had to deal very much with emotionally damaged people, or the 'System' so to speak, social services the police and all that. There are some nasty people in the world who do unspeakable horrible things to other people, children, and get away with it too and the system set in place to help the fall out from all this is so bogged down in it's own bureaucracy and fair play and staffed by people who just don't know and live with their heads in the clouds in a happy world of Tescos 4x4's and organic wine. They might as well not be there and just let it all happen anyway they end result wouldn't be much different.
It is all very frustrating and I find it difficult to put into words the idiocy I've had to endure over the past four years.
so glad that it's all worked out for you now.
me too : ) but it's still there hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles (I've oh so for ever wanted to fit that quote in some place) due to the complete (read above) of it all she can at any time decide she wants to see them and we have to go through all that crap again, there is no one to stop and say, one minuet haven't we been through all this before?
And if you've read this far thanx : ) would have been too long for me : )
Hi bubblegum
when you are there you just get on with it and adapt without knowing, because people like that don't just suddenly turn one day it's slow and gradual and in the end you think it's maybe you, and you still love them anyway.
Great quote, well said and well encapsulated! So share with us the 'Sword of Damocles'
Quote that I have on my fridge, that I love, because it takes away all the nastiness for me and means I am a valid, loveable human being, not some empty head who doesn't know what love is:
Better to have loved and lost than live with the phsyco for the rest of your life!
themusogardener
Write that radio play, perhaps we could put it on the site. :)
Hello themusogardener
Firstly you are welcome to One Space and thanks for sharing what you're going through at the moment, traumatic though it is. I hear the pain and panic in your post and my heart goes out to you and your little girl. However, I am going to be as straight with you as I can be, from my experience of supporting families through similar situations, as I believe you deserve no less.
I am glad you have got some legal advice. If you are on Income Support then you are entitled to Legal Aid unless you own a lot of property equity, and you should therefore take advantage of this Legal Aid to use your solicitor in court. One possible outcome (in fact a fairly likely one) is the case will have a very short "hearing" and that it will be adjourned pending CAFCASS reports. CAFCASS is the family welfare organsation attached to the courts and they will speak to all concerned on an individual basis. This is your opportunity to voice your concerns about his track record, although I have to say to you that his mother being an approved fosterer and on hand during his parenting time is a strong point in his favour as far as the court is concerned. CAFCASS may well recommend to the court that you both attend mediation (again). It is vital that you keep written copies of, for example, the offer of parenting time you gave to him. The courts in general tend to favour the mother (not always correctly in my view, but they do) and this is another point in your favour.
Another couple of points: if he has not been a consistent parent in the past then either a. he will give up this insistence and revert to as and when contact or b. he WILL be consistent and this will be better for your little girl. it sounds very much to me as if his "insistence" is because he knows it is the best way to hurt you, would you agree? If he doesn't know her like you do then he soon will do!
It is unforgiveable that he has walked away leaving you with money worries and this is something you need to address with your solicitor. However, money and parenting time are completely separate in law, however his inadequacies in either or both of these areas infuriate you. I would definitely check with the solicitor whether you are within your rights to change the locks, as I have heard mixed views on this topic.
So my suggestions are: be as strong as possible, take heed of legal advice and please know that whether you like it or not, you are going to have to accept what the family court says....which is why it is much better to sort these things out without involving them. Whatever the outcome, you are the Mum to your lovely girl and it is vital that you remember that you can make a great deal of difference to her happiness and security.
very, very best wishes
Louise