ex staying at my home during contact - how long for?

spacefairy

Hi! three years ago i moved from London to Cornwall to start a new life for me and my two daughters (now 6 and 9) My ex (he left me for another woman completetely out of the blue when my youngest was 6 months old) was furious about me moving so far away so i agreed that he could stay in my house once a month to hang out with the kids and maintain contact. Three years on, it's been a difficult situation to manage. At first i made him breakfast and made him feel welcome when he arrived because i genuinely (and still do) appreciate that he travels so far to visit the children.But over the past three years he has made it clear that he is still really angry with me for moving to Cornwall and will always hate me for what i've done. At times when i've raised difficult conversations with him about money (he gives me hardly anything) he's shouted at me, called me names and scared me in my own home, he's told me recently that he's suicidal because he missed the children so much and that i'm an evil person and runied his life. Now i feel so uncomfortable when he arrives i just leave as soon as he walks in and stay out for the whole weekend coming back at the last minute before he needs to leave to catch his train. At first i didn't mind him staying in my home because i felt i had nothing to hide. Since he's told me he hates cornwall, all my friends here, hates everything about our life here, i now feel really uncomfortable that he can look at my things, photos on my walls, letters etc. personal things in my home that he can pass judgement on (especially now i live on a boat which is a smaller and more personal space than a house) I've told him that i don't like him staying in my home anymore. I don't want him to know my business or speak to my friends or know much about my life here, i want to move on with my life. I don't know anything about his life in London now or what his home looks like or what his friends are like and i don't want to! It's none of my business. I want my privacy now but he says he can't afford to stay anywhere else and if i stop him from staying in my home, he won't be able to visit the children any more. My friends and my boyfriend think that his insisting on staying in my home is a cheek and now that he knows the area he should be endevouring to find an alternative place to have the children whilst he's here, like renting a caravan or staying in a b&b. Whilst i understand he's skint and trying to improve his earning potential so he can one day have the money to afford a B&B , and that the kids really enjoy him staying in their home where they are comfortable - at what point do i put my foot down and say it's no longer appropriate?? When the girls are 10? 15? 18? What happens if i move in with my boyfriend? What started out of respect and love for my ex and my kids has turned into a situation where i feel bullied and trapped. But i just want to do what's best for the kids so i just put up with it. should i just still keep putting up with it? I'm confused!
~

Posted on: November 11, 2009 - 10:48pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi spacefairy
In an ideal world, what you have been doing is a really great solution and causes less disruption to the girls. However, it does depend on both parents co-operating and respecting each other, and it sounds as if your daughters’ father is not playing his part. It is very sad that he continues to be so hurt and upset by your separation but this is not your responsibility, he is a grown adult and responsible for himself. Moreover, you are entitled to your own space.

I would suggest a letter to him saying that whilst your own relationship is over and can never be revived, you do want him to have a good relationship with his daughters. To this end, you have allowed him to stay for the last three years as an interim measure. However, now the girl s are getting older it is time to make other arrangements. You could then mention the money issue....up to you how you want to play this one, options include offering to forgo some of your (scanty) child maintenance so he can afford a caravan, gently pointing out that the usual financial arrangement would be for him to pay 20% for his children’s upkeep....or you could decide not to mention the money at all and leave this up to him. Would it also be possible for you to suggest that the girls go to London a couple of times a year (and you take them?) Don’t forget that if he is not tied into a firm work arrangement in London there is little to stop him moving nearer to you to try and find work.

Yes, he can take court action but it is unlikely that the court would think it reasonable for him to stay in your home

Posted on: November 12, 2009 - 9:19am

lindsaygii

If you feel bullied and trapped then you *are* bullied and trapped.

Don't lose sight of the fact that, although it was you that moved away, it was him that was seeing another woman. How dare he run off with someone else and leave you with a tiny baby, then be 'furious' at your reaction!! He sounds like he is good at reminding you of your faults, but not great at recognising his own. *

So now, it's just you making all the effort...

Three years is plenty of time to sort himself out, especially since he is not paying maintenance! I think Louise has given you very good advice. You might suggest to him that three years is long enough, but you are very happy (lie!) to give him a further six months to get himself sorted out, and that after that he can't stay any more.

Presumably his life is moving on, well, you have to have space for yours to move on, too. Feeling bullied and trapped is *not* the way forward.

Good luck. :)

------------------------------------

* Actually, it sounds like he's a bully and a s**t, but I'm trying to be tactful!! :lol:

Posted on: November 12, 2009 - 9:58pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi spacefairy - like the name!!

lindsaygii is right:

Quote:

If you feel bullied and trapped then you *are* bullied and trapped

You do not have to put up with this, you have supported him through all of this, where is his support of you?? You feel terribly guilty for the break up, and the move it seems, (and he has taken advantage of this and continues to do so) it is now time to hang that guilt up, you have been MORE than fair and he needs to now to work out how he will deal with his relationship with his children in the future. You are not his nanny, you can not hold his hand or tell him what to do. He is a grown up and needs to take control of the situation, that he actually created.

Would you be happy for him to have the children in London? Would you share the travel arrangements, you take them up, he bring them back or vice versa? I know you have little ones, but you need to be getting on with your life now, not worrying about him. We are all coming up with suggestions here, but actually it is for him to come up with them, what is HE going to do.......

I think we all wish that the other parent would see their children, but we can not control this, this is their job and within their power to sort it out.

How gfrustrating for you, I am glad you have a boyfriend who I hope is supporting you through this. Take Care. :)

Posted on: November 13, 2009 - 12:39pm

Bubblegum

lindsaygii wrote:

If you feel bullied and trapped then you *are* bullied and trapped.

+1 to that.

lindsaygii wrote:

Actually, it sounds like he's a bully and a s**t, but I'm trying to be tactful!! :lol:

+1 to that too.

Emotional blackmail warning!

spacefairy wrote:

he's told me recently that he's suicidal because he missed the children so much and that i'm an evil person and runied his life

It's all your fault? bloodie hell!!me too as I'm one of those, evil you ruined my life type of people also. My wife used to give me all that, blah de blah de blah... and I believed it for a while as some people are very good at dragging you down into their own little worlds and blaming you for everything and making you feel like s**t!

spacefairy wrote:

should i just still keep putting up with it?

No.

Posted on: November 13, 2009 - 1:21pm

Claire-Louise

Hi Spacefairy
Nice to meet you and soory to hear about your predicament. I can see your point of view on this and these situations that involve ex partners and children are never easy and never clear cut, black or white etc. That is why it os reallt useful to get other people's opinions on it who are not emotionally involved. It seems that most people that have posted so far agree that he is out of order and that you should not have to put up with his comments. I agree too that you have done more than your fair share of making things easier for him and being understanding of his situation but you should not have to take his comments on your current life, friends etc.
I agree that for the children to visit him in London would be one solution and for him to find a B&B if he comes to cornwall would cover the other end of the deal. You should not feel trapped in your own home or threatened.
Good luck - a letter could be the best way to go about it.
C-L

Posted on: November 13, 2009 - 3:43pm