As Anna says, I do think you need to listen to what others say, but take time to consider it.
In a way, as I have no family close by - my brother is 13 years older and my sister 11 years older than me and live hundreds of miles from me - I think I was maybe fortunate. I've lost both my parents. I just wonder, had they been close by or alive if I would have the relationship that I have with my ex-in-laws (which is a good relationship). As it is, muddling through on your own, I think you do work things out - just in my case its taken years to! :roll:
As for friends. I have been shocked at friends I have lost, since my divorce. Not that many, but when you have a small circle of 'friends' it can be an eye-opener. Your true friends, what ever they may say, will be there for you. I may have a very thin address book now, but I know if I said 'help' they would. When I left The Git, I sent out new address cards to everyone, saying we'd split up. I then sent Christmas cards with a short update, and again, my address. All those I didn't hear from didn't get put into my new book! Funnily enough, a couple of years ago The Git told me one of them was wanting me to phone them. I didn't though - what could I have said?
It takes time to build this new life, and working your way through things a step at a time is the way to get there. It has to work for you, so you can cope with life and start to be happy again. Those you may 'lose' along the way, simply can't understand what you're going through.
Hiya
Glad you found the post hetty, I forgot to tell you that I had moved it, sorry :?
Thats very interesting that he is going on the course in Essex, that will be really interesting, did you know that they quite often want the female partner to have done the programme and go along too? Just in case he decides that he needs you to go with him, forewarned is better prepared!
He might be genuinely considering changing his behaviour, recognising that he can't live behaving the way he has and if thats the case, hats off to him. Just keep remembering the persuader as it could be another of his tactics. I hope for your sake and his that it isn't, that he really does want to change and that your relationship, whether it be partners, friends or just co-parents can work itself out.
Just keep an eye out, there is no rush for anything.
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You might have been used to your ex making all the decisions and you are not used to trusting your own decision-making process, but take that brave leap hetty, because life is full of decisions and no-one has the right to make them for you!
Think you hit the nail on the head here. Sad but quite possibly true :(
I had my second session on the Freedom programme yesterday. Its bitter sweet....my ex is "the persuader" to the letter. Quite shocking how accurate it is...he's never hit me or had any sexual control. All mental, financial and slight jailer tactics. That was the positives, recognising that HE is the one in the wrong and his behaviour is not normal. But the bitter part was seeing woman from much more horrendous backgrounds...unfortunately started to make me think "god my ex wasnt THAT bad". But i know if i went back to him, he could be THAT bad given time?
Anyway, he has a knack of finding out what im up too and subsequently has booked himself onto the mens course in Essex....i know what he;s hoping to achieve. I am pleased he is doing it...if not for me then for general knowledge and future relationships for him.
As you can see...battleing on and still confused!!!! But absolutely sure im doing the right thing, for now :)
Thank you both for your replies, they mean the world,
x
I was volunteering with a housing association group for vulnerable women. They helped me when I was homeless, and were fantastic. One of the courses we did was domestic abuse, and we were doing "the persuader" one. As they were talking about it I got more and more upset, tried to hide it and had a panic attack in the session. It was my ex. Just until that point I hadn't realised it. It was a tremendous shock. The girls were brilliant and had seen me getting worked up and weren't surprised when I did get in a state! Silly bat that I am! It really did open my eyes to such a lot. I feel when you're living this lifestyle, you don't see how it is...
My ex tells the world I was abusing him mentally. In a mediation session, he told the women running it that he was afraid to phone my children. Thinking back though, the way they questioned him - as in do you want to reconsider that statement you just made - and the way they were supportive with me, I think they possibly saw him in a different way to I did.
I'm so glad you're battling on Hetty. Seems to me you're doing brilliantly.
Yes the relationship was well over by then. I left him in 2004 - we were married for 20 years. It was in 2007 I did the course. I learnt a lot. I learnt a lot on the child abuse course too, which is why I will never be heard being in conflict over things with their father.
He would always "demand" money from me as he would want to hire videos to go and watch with "friend" - never with me, which never registred. I would work more and more hours to get overtime - in the end I was working 6 nights a week in Tesco (stress free compared to running my own business), Sunday afternoon (Tesco) and a day and a half doing admin work (I'm sort of accounting back ground!). At that time he was earning £2000 a month. Other than the mortgage and electric, he didn't pay anything else...
The controlling aspect has continued with issues around the children. I think with making contact change to 24 hour notice that I regained some control - and happier children - although he did have a crying session over this telling the children I was totally unfair and he was doing his best not to cancel contact time... His now wife was comforting him throughout. Going through the agreement point by point with the children helped them realise that it was reasonable. Probably maintenance too, as he chooses to admit to 12 hours a week to the CSA when he works full time. CSA don't seem to be interested in addressing that.
I'm trying to stop the CSA payments as they're the last part of him that winds me up! It would be something if he helped in other ways, with Scout subs, or football boots, but he chooses not to.
Although the last 5 years have flown by, it seems to have taken me a long time to have got this far!
Yes I think you can never leave a relationship and be instantly "better" and sorted. The well-known agony aunt Anna Raeburn has a rule of thumb that says that for every year you were with that person it takes a month to recover from the split. That may well be true when there are no children involved but I believe that the timescale can be much, much longer when there are. Apart from the emotional fallout (the children's as well as your own!) there are all the practical things to sort out.
Sparkling lime, considering what you have told us about your children's father, it is a job well done that you can manage not to be in conflict with him in front of them! :roll:
Hetty it is early days so don't expect too much of yourself. Try to shut out what everyone else is saying and concentrate on you.
Louise :)
I am a firm believer of being true to yourself. Be honest with yourself at all times. I used to get advice from as many people as possible and then take time out to consider their advice, nit pick my way through it and come out with my own updated version of what was best for me!
It wasn't always right, but at least I only had myself to blame. Some friends tried to manipulate me like putty in the early days of my splitting with ex and I was quite maleable until I did something that I regretted after advice given and I behaved in a way that just wasn't me.
We are at our most vulnerable after a break up, and friends and family want to help and fix your life for you, but just remember only you know what is right for you and your family now. You might have been used to your ex making all the decisions and you are not used to trusting your own decision-making process, but take that brave leap hetty, because life is full of decisions and no-one has the right to make them for you!
Does that help?!